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Are you insane like me?
Been in pain like me?
James
From my 5 hours of sleep, that’s he most sleep I’ve gotten in weeks (I don’t sleep well), I wake up to see Thomas gone from his earlier position. In my search for him, I begin to walk through the kitchen, and it reeks of alcohol? What the actual fuck. Now I’m mad. Pure anger pulsing through me, as I realize, Thomas betrayed my trust. He stole my alcohol, which I never drink but still. I walk over to the cabinet, and see my vodka is gone, this isn’t gonna be good. Panic ensues, as Thomas isn’t in his room, but I realize the balcony door is open.
Considering I’m on the 16th floor….
Making a beeline, I see Thomas sitting on the balcony, the once full bottle of vodka, now half empty. It’s dark, and raining, so he’s soaked to the brim, and wasted. I’m mad. In fact I’m extremely pissed, I trusted him.
“Thomas what the hell?” I yell, before I can even stop myself.
He looks up at me, his green eyes swollen red, his cheeks puffy. He’s been crying.
The rain masks his tears, but I can see, as I stand there, crouching down to sit my the younger boy. His breath reeks of vodka, as he coughs.
“Why is life-why is like just so fucked up James?” He cries, his words drunkenly slurred.
“Alright, we can talk, but I need you to give me the vodka, and get off the balcony.” I assure him, my voice soft, attempting to soothe him.
. Picking him up, and grabbing the vodka, I walk him to the bathroom and put the vodka in the cabinet, reminding myself to get a lock for it. As I go back to the bathroom I see Thomas, and in light. His facial expression is completely changed, his aurora being one of dark and gloom.
“I’m cold.” He mumbles shakily, grabbing onto me.
“I know.”
I start the water, letting the bathtub fill, as he starts to get undressed. As he takes off his shirt, it’s then I see his still very prominent rib cage. He still looks thin. I see him eat a bit… please tell me he isn’t purging. I look at his knuckles, and no scarring or anything. Yet. As he crawls into the bathtub, his thin body looking like it could crack over the pressures of the world. For laughs, and comfort, I grab a blue bathbomb, tossing it into the bathtub, while he watches it in a drunken fascination.
“So…wanna tell me why you drank half a bottle of my decent vodka?”
“My mother died.” He blurts out sadly.
“You could’ve talked to me Thomas, I help people with this stuff all the time.” I sigh, putting my head in my hands.
He pulls his knees to his chest, in the now blue water, and puts his head at his knees.
“Yea but there is a difference, you’re a psychiatrist but you’re my boyfriend.” Thomas mumbles.
“Still, look this relationship won’t work if you don’t tell me stuff. Please Thomas, I never purposely try to analyze you or anything, I don’t want to act like a psychiatrist to you, I want to be a boyfriend, one that is there for you, I didn’t save you because of my job, I saved you because I saw hope in you, and I continue to see hope in you.”
“What if I don’t see hope in myself?”
“Then I’ll make sure you end up doing so.”
I set my phone on the counter, solely paying attention to him. His bloodshot eyes, a tell all sign. He reaches his arms out of the bathtub, pulling me into a hug, soaking my shirt, but I don’t mind. He lets go of me, and suddenly I’m freezing, so I do what a normal person does. Taking off my shirt on one swift motion, and tossing it in the pile of clothes, I notice a shocked expression on Thomas’s face. His eyes trail right above the hem of my jeans, ah my tattoo.
“You have a tattoo.” He sighs with a drunken slur. Causing me to laugh at the drunk boy.
“Yes I have a tattoo, now I’ll be right back.”
I get up from my cross-legged position on the floor, going to Thomas’s room, grabbing him some clothes. Yes, I’m a somewhat decent person. I grab the pale pink oversized hoodie, and some sweatpants, laying them out on the bed. His closet is the complete opposite of mine, with mine being shades of black, his is pink, blue, green, mainly pastels, and lots of it.
Going back to the bathroom, I grab a towel, as he steps out, staggering. He takes it quickly, shivering, while we walk back to his room. He changes quickly, the oversized hoodie basically swallowing him whole, but it’s my favorite hoodie on him…and I picked out his clothes…. what do you expect.
He’s an emotional drinker, I realize, as he starts to sob,standing in the middle of the room, knees bent in, hands conversing his face. Well in his defense his mother died. Standing there awkwardly for a second, do I hold him? What do I do with this boy? Yes I date him, but what do I do? His mother died, and he probably doesn’t even wanna see my face right now. He grabs onto me suddenly, burying his face into my collarbone, hair brushing against my neck. I was wrong apparently, he does want to see my face.
“Hey 아름답다, 사랑해.” I coo softly.
“I’m not beautiful, but thanks. I love you, too.”
“You’re beautiful to me, now how about I get you some water so you’re not completely hungover, you lay down, and we can talk.”
He nods, before letting go of me, as I venture to the kitchen, grabbing him a water bottle. I could just break down right here, right now, but I don’t. Considering my own mother, well isn’t talking, I really want to. Something stops me. You’re not alone anymore. I actually have somebody now, somebody that yes, has some issues, but that’s just his illness, not who he is.
I go back to see Thomas, blanket pulled up to his chin, muffled sobs echo the room, as I feel a pang of guilt. He didn’t feel like he could talk to me. As I crawl into bed next to him, taking his thin body into my arms, his little sniffles and choked sobs starting to die down.
“She’s actually dead.” He mumbles, as I gaze at him sadly.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Thomas, I truly am.” I sigh, hugging the boy to my chest.
“Why did she have to die?” Thomas pokes his head up to ask me.
“Everyone dies Thomas, sooner or later, it is imminent, the only thing we have control over his how we handle it.”
“She was always there for me, when I came out to my family, nobody supported me, she was the only person who actually supported me when I came out, and for that I am grateful. The worst part of it is, I’m not allowed to attend, or arrange the affairs, my family doesn’t want me, nobody really wants me.”
“Are you forgetting me? I want you, and you are loved, trust me, your loss would break my heart, come on we are both gonna get better together, which means, do not believe the negative thoughts.” I remind him.
“One day you aren’t, one day you aren’t gonna love me, one day you’ll find someone better, someone who can be a decent boyfriend. One day you’ll realize that I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t think that day is gonna come, love.”
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