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Jacob’s POV
It’s official, Shawn and I are officially boyfriends. Well, not really because we’ve told Jenna and Michele and soon my mom who was at work but no one else.
Jenna, Michele, Shawn and I were currently watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
“Who’s your favorite Kardashian sister?” I asked randomly as a commercial went on. I looked at my friends, Michele was on her phone, Jenna was watching, but seemed uninterested, and Shawn just looked at me as I spoke.
“I think I like Kendall the most.” Jenna said unsure looking over at me.
“I don’t like any of them.” Michele spoke finally looking away from her phone.
“Khloe is the best, obviously,” I said as I fast forwarded through the commercials.
“Since you like Khloe I like Khloe.” Shawn said as he grabbed my hand, and I pretended to gag, but Jenna and Michele laughed.
“I regret asking that question because of you trying too hard.” I mumbled under my breath, and Shawn just laughed, but his phone started ringing. He took his phone out of his pocket and answered it.
“What’s up? Wait, when? This was supposed to be my break, not-” Shawn said annoyed, he got up from the couch and went left the living room.
“What just happened?” Michele asked confused, looking at Jenna and I.
“I should go check on him.” I said getting up from my spot and walking to my room, which was next to guest room Shawn was supposed to be staying in, but he preferred staying with me in my room.
“Don’t worry about it,” I heard Shawn say in my room. The door wasn’t closed, but opened just a crack, I feel bad for eavesdropping but I don’t want to barge in while he’s on the phone.
“Jacob is just a friend, and nothing more. Nothing is happening between us.” Shawn spoke into the phone, and I’m pretty sure my heart broke a little bit. He said he wanted to tell everybody, this clearly isn’t telling him. Maybe he’s just embarrassed of me, of us. A gay relationship, that would ruin his career. I could ruin his career.
“Nothing will happen between Jacob and I, I’m straight.” Shawn said into the phone, and my heart broke even more. He is embarrassed of me, or this whole thing is for pity, he could clearly be straight and this whole ‘relationship’ probably isn’t anything real for him.
“I got it, I got it, tomorrow I have an interview okay okay bye.” Shawn said ending the call. I quickly walked into the bathroom, to make sure he wouldn’t see that I eavesdropped, but me closing the door quickly, also made me close the door in a not so subtle way.
I put my back against the door, and just closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears, what he said could probably just help keep us secret, so he won’t get a bad reputation for being gay, so fans will still love him. I’m probably being overdramatic but I’m not going to lie, hearing those words hurt. He told me he wanted everyone to know I’m his, it was so genuine too, but what I just heard a few moments ago is making me question him, question us.
“Jacob, is that you?” Shawn said softly knocking.
“Yeah, it’s me.” I answered with a shaky voice, trying not to break out into tears.
“Are you okay?” Shawn asked concerned.
“Yeah, yeah I’m okay.” I answered, but Shawn didn’t buy it. He opened the door that I forgot to lock and looked at me, but I avoided eye contact.
“Jacob, what’s wrong?” Shawn asked concerned walking up to me and grabbing my hand.
“It’s nothing Shawn, don’t worry about it.” I said trying still avoiding eye contact, and trying to move past him, but he moved as well to make sure I don’t get past him.
“Jay, I know something’s wrong, you can tell me.” Shawn said, putting his finger under my chin and lifting my head to look at him.
“Shawn, look it’s just I heard something that’s not so great, and I’m kind of hurt by it.” I simply answered trying to evade answering the question.
“Jacob, this is the second time you’re not telling me what’s wrong.” Shawn said sadly, and I just shook my head.
“It’s nothing, I can move past it, I’ve done it before and I can do it again.” I answered.
“But I don’t want you to do it again! I’m supposed to be keeping you happy, not standing in the sidelines confused on why you’re upset.” Shawn said raising his voice, annoyed but I know he’s just worrying about me, but after hearing those words, he did the opposite of keeping me happy.
“Shawn, I said it’s nothing, let me just move past it, you don’t need to get all up in my business about it okay?” I said, now starting to get upset as well but Shawn just scoffed.
“I’m all like up in your business? Jacob, I’m doing my best at keeping you happy, you’re sounding so ungrateful because I want to know what’s wrong but you’re refusing to tell me when I’m clearly trying to help.” Shawn said, the concern no longer in her voice.
“Keeping me happy? You think you know what’s best for me Shawn, news flash, we haven’t even known each other that long, you don’t know me fully, you don’t know what’s best for me, but do you know who does? Me. So I’m saying I can move past this, now how about you help me and just ignore it.” I said raising my voice as well and Shawn just shook his head turning around.
“Yeah because pushing someone away is totally what’s best for you huh?” Shawn said, but turned around right after, “if that’s what you want Jacob, if that’s what fücking want I’ll listen because I’ll do whatever I need to do to please you.” Shawn finished and walked into the guest room, slamming the door.
I tried to steady my breath, and I don’t know how I feel right now. Upset? Sad? Annoyed?
“I think it’s best if Jenna and I leave. I think you both need some time alone.” I heard Michele say and I looked up to nod at her not saying anything, “text me yeah?”
Her and Jenna left the house, so all it is right now is just Shawn and I, and let’s just say we aren’t on the best of speaking terms.
I walked into my room and laid down, closing my eyes tears forming and this time, I don’t have any reason to hide them.
“Jacob, why are you such a screw up?” I mumbled wiping my tears, but they just kept falling.
I feel like an idiot, he was just trying to help, that’s all he was doing. My life is so private, I hate being so open, I hate explaining my feelings, I hate it so much. I know I should trust Shawn with how I’m feeling, but why I’m upset involves him and I just didn’t think he needed to know.
I don’t know why I got so mad, so annoyed. He was so persistent on wanting to know what’s wrong, and usually you’re supposed to be grateful for those type of people in your life. But when he started raising his voice annoyed, that just made my sadness leave, and it was replaced by my own annoyance and I don’t understand why.
I closed my eyes, wanting to sleep and forget that this ever happened, but I know that the pain in my heart, and the conflicted thoughts in my head won’t allow me to forget it.
-=+=-
Today is the day if the interview, but Shawn has yet to tell me about it, but after what happened yesterday, I wouldn’t want to speak to me either so I don’t blame him because he hasn’t even left his room.
I’m currently cooking eggs and spam because I don’t know how to cook anything other than that, and I’m hungry. Also, I’ve invited Michele and Jenna over because I don’t feel comfortable being in the house alone with Shawn after the events that occurred yesterday.
“Honey, I’m home!” Michele yelled and Jenna just laughed.
“I’m in the kitchen cooking food.” I answered smiling, Michele and Jenna walk into the kitchen smiled in their faces, but it faded and I know what they’re gonna ask.
“So Jacob, what happened yesterday with you and Shawn?” Jenna asked, and Michele nodded.
“Yeah, it sounded heated and we didn’t want to just leave you, but I know you need your time alone, especially after you get pretty upset.” Michele added and I just sighed.
“Just stuff, I heard some stuff that wasn’t pleasant, he wanted to know but I didn’t tell him and then he got annoyed at me for not wanting to tell him and then I got annoyed at him and here we are now.” I briefly explained, but I knew they weren’t pleased with my answer but thankfully, or not thankfully I don’t know yet, Shawn walked into the kitchen and went to the fridge. It became so awkward and tense in the kitchen I almost wanted to cry because I know I’m to one who caused this.
“Good morning Shawn, sleep well?” Jenna asked trying to ease the tension, but Shawn just shrugged.
I put the last on plate and brought it to the dining table.
“Breakfast is served.” I said quietly and went back into the kitchen to grab plates spoon and forks. Michele tried to help me, but I shooed her away.
“You’re the guest, in the host, please just let me.” I told her and she just rolled her eyes smiling which caused me to smile with her.
“You and your Asian morales I swear.” She mumbled and went into the dining room.
I went back to grabbing the utensils, but Shawn went to grab plates.
“No, Shawn I can do it, I’m serving you guys.” I spoke quietly as I went to grab the plates from him, but he refused.
“No, Jacob, please just let me.” He said quietly as well, and I just nodded. Once I finished grabbing the utensils and placing them on the table, I went to grab glasses of water and I set them down on the table as well once I was finished.
We all began to eat, still in a pretty awkward silence because the tension was still there but I’m thankful that Jenna was pretty social and started conversation.
“So guys, what’s the plan for today?” Jenna asked looking around at us, and Shawn was the first to answer.
“Um, well I have an interview to go to today.” Shawn answered and took a sip out of his water, and I know I do not want to be there for that interview, so I quickly made up an excuse.
“I have to go to work today, I promised my boss I would start going back again because school is ending soon.” I quickly answered and they all nodded, except Michele who was looking at me strange, but I think she understood why I said that and spoke up.
“I can take you to your interview Shawn, and then Jenna can come with.” Michele said, and Jenna nodded in response.
“I should go get ready, you guys can just leave the plates and I can take care of it later.” I said and quickly got up and went into my room.
I don’t have to go to work, but I needed an excuse to leave. The tension in there was so bad I couldn’t stand another second in the awkward silence.
“Hey, you busy?” I heard Shawn say softly through my door.
“No.” I simply answered and he walked in, and I started to panic.
“Jacob, I’m sorry for what happened yesterday, I just felt so sad and upset when you wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I hope you know that I truly do care for you and I really want to help you with your problems. Whether it be you’re feeling sick, or you’ve gotten mean tweets from my fans which I’ve read by the way,” Shawn started and I had a small laugh at that part which caused him to smile, “I hope you’re not mad at me anymore.”
“Shawn, it should be me saying sorry. I’m the one who was over reacting, I’m the one who messed up, and I’m the one who you should be mad at. Yesterday just wasn’t my day, and I’m so sorry for taking it out on you, and for having weird mood swings.” I apologized and Shawn smiled again, opening his arms and I gladly went toward and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
I felt safe again, I felt content again, I felt happy again, but I still remembered what he said and I’ve been doing all I can to move past it but I’m just so sensitive that I can’t. I didn’t bring up the interview, because I know I wouldn’t be able to hear it from him again without crying.
I have to keep telling myself that is being kept a secret is what’s best for us, it’s best for his career, and it’s best for my well being in general so I’m still not fully in the spotlight.
But do I truly know what’s best for myself anymore? I’m so indecisive that I don’t trust my own choices.
But whatever happens will happen, and I’ll just go with it.
-=+=-
Word Count: 2,284
Updated: 08/11/2017
A/N:
I’m back, and I know that this update was really late, but school is coming up and I’ve been a bit stressed with back to school shopping, my anxiety with school so I haven’t really felt motivated to write.
But because this update was late, I made it pretty long so hopefully you guys forgive me!
That argument was a bit of tea being spilt, and idk how I’ll have more tea being spilt but only time will tell.
Also, Shawnie is 19 years old and he got real lit. Shawn is living life to the fullest, and I’m so proud of how far he has gotten in such a short amount of time :,)
Anyways, yes school is coming so I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update during that time but don’t I should be able to update a few more times before school comes back.
Real talkkkkkkk. So, my current plan is , to end this book around 45 chapters because some of the ideas I’ve had wouldn’t fit into this book, but they would fit into ANOTHER book. So my plan is once I finish this one, I would start writing the second one ASAP.
Idk I might change that whole plan and just have this as long as it can be but we’ll see I wrote this at 3AM last night so my thoughts are crazy and not complete 🙂
As always, your votes and comments are always appreciated!
And until next time, I don’t have a sign off!
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