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-ASH-
What did I do to deserve all of this?
Nothing feels okay anymore. It never did anyway; but this time, it fucking hurts. It hurts like it never did before.
And I don’t know what’s worse; that Mike said what he said, or that I was stupid enough to trust him?
Maybe, it’s not meant for me to be happy. Maybe, I just don’t deserve it after all.
Was I that stupid to even believe that I had made a friend? I don’t even want to think about him anymore. I really believed in him. In us. But, he just decided to destroy everything with one fucking sentence.
He causes me so much pain and anger, and I should put him out of my life. He’s not worth any of my time.
I let a loud groan come out of my mouth as I shake my head, trying to distract myself from all of this. But, I’m really curious what he’s thinking about right now. Has he any sign of guilt or regret? Or he pretends like it never happened?
“I hope you know what you’ve put me through.” I mutter to myself as I barely move in my bed. I don’t feel like getting up. My legs are just so weak to make any kind of movement.
::
“What’s the matter, honey?” Ms Daria asks concerned. She came earlier to my apartment, to help me make some lunch.
Well, it’s not like I can’t cook, but I hoped that I could keep myself distracted for a while; but obviously that didn’t last long.
“You’re so zoned-out today. Does something bother you?” she asks, looking straight in my eyes.
“It’s not really …” I start saying, but I could never lie to this person.
I take a silent sigh and rub my left eye.
“Well, it’s just … so hard.” I say, biting my lip so my voice wouldn’t crack.
Ms Daria pays full attention to me, giving me a worried look.
“What’s so hard, Ash?” she asks and I immediately get chills after hearing her calling me like that, just like Mike did.
“It’s Mike.” I manage to say. “We had some argument the other night, and we don’t talk now.” I finish.
“I hope it’s not serious.” she replies.
“It is. Very serious. You can’t imagine how furious he made me.” I say while trying to calm myself. My pulse starts to race.
Ms Daria rubs her hand on my shoulder, preventing me from losing control.
“He said something that I just can’t forget. He hurt my feelings.” I say after pausing at times, because of my unsteady breath.
“Maybe he didn’t mean it.” she tries to make me believe her, but she doesn’t even know the half of it.
“I think he did. Because if he didn’t so, he wouldn’t say something so heartless like that.”
I don’t intend to tell her exactly what happened.
She doesn’t need to know. She doesn’t deserve that pain. She barely knows Mike anyway.
“Maybe it was at the heat of the moment. Maybe he just spitted words out without even thinking. Who knows? Maybe, he’s going through a lot, too; and he wasn’t thinking straight.”
“I trusted him. In a level, I never thought I would reach. I told him everything.” I say and then realize that my hand has formed a strong fist.
“Here.” Ms Daria takes my hand and gives me one pill and a glass of water, to my other one.
I stare at this small pill for a while.
“No! ” I shout and throw the pill as farthest as I can, and place the glass on the table with force.
“I don’t need the damn pills.” I yell, spitting some saliva in the process. “They can’t control me anymore.” I kick the wall next to me, without caring about the instant pain that gives to my foot.
I let a loud moan of pain, making Ms Daria freeze in front of my sight. I’m pretty sure she wants to scream, seeing me like that; but instead she tries to make me stop.
“I can’t take this anymore.” I say in a shaky voice.
The next thing I do, is making my way to my room in big and heavy steps, slamming the door behind me. I hear Ms Daria mumbling something, but I don’t care right now.
I just want this to stop. I want to stop thinking about him.
I make my room a mess, throwing stuff all over the place. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. He doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve my tears or whatever after what he said and did to me.
I press my lips in a thick line, trying to take that memory out of my mind. Why did he even press his lips on mine? I just don’t get it.
::
“One glass of whiskey.” I mumble to the barman, until he simply nods. I don’t even know how whiskey tastes like. I have never had any experience with alcohol. But, I’ve heard lots of times that alcohol can help you forget. And that’s all I want honestly.
“Enjoy.” says the barman, giving me my drink.
I make a grimace at the instant burn that gives to my throat, as I take the first sip. I never thought that it would taste like this, but I take a second sip anyway.
I let my thoughts go away, while I focus on the music that’s being played. I notice that there’s a small stage on the corner of the bar, for amateur musicians.
Suddenly, I pay attention to that singing voice, that’s really … familiar.
I turn my head to see Mike on stage, singing a rock ballad. I wonder where’s his band. He’s all alone there singing and playing his guitar.
“That was a cover of one of my most favourite songs, I miss you.” he says looking above the crowd, but not exactly somewhere.
My pulse starts racing again.
“And I’d like to dedicate this song to one person, that has been the closest to me.” he continues.
My fist has been tighter around my empty –now– glass, feeling like I’m going to smash it in a million pieces.
“There’s not a day that passes, that I’m not thinking about you.” he keeps talking, even though nobody pays attention to him.
“And I regret making you feel like I don’t appreciate you. It was the last thing that I wanted.” he says, looking at his guitar, but I can’t take it anymore.
“Just one song won’t give you my forgiveness.” I shout at the top of my lungs, and watch him as he widens his eyes in shock and searches the crowd for me. He petrifies as his gaze stops to mine.
At this point, I don’t even care about the strangers’ curious looks. Mike quickly jumps off the stage, and runs to me.
“Ashton! Wait! ” he says, as I have already turned my back to him, ready to leave.
“Leave me alone, please.” I say, trying not to be very loud.
“I’m sorry.” he responds in a shaky voice. I never thought that I would ever see Mike crying this much.
“I’ve never been more sorry in my life, Ashton.” he says and blinks quickly his eyes but, I notice another tear running down to his cheek.
“You should have thought about that earlier.” I say sharply. I already feel like I’m going to explode. Memories start coming back again and my stomach drops.
“But I was stupid enough to even believe that I could trust you.” I add and I can see that my words make him upset.
His cheeks turn red and wipes his eyes, looking around if there’s anyone looking at us. Fortunately, there’s no one and the music that’s being played makes us not being very able to be heard.
“Please, don’t say that.” his lips start to tremble. “I didn’t mean what I said. I don’t even know what made me to act like a jerk.” he says, avoiding eye contact.
I just shake my head, because of my disability to find an answer.
“I really am sorry, Ashton.” he sighs. “Please, believe me.” he almost begs.
I inhale for some air, before opening my mouth.
“That’s not enough.” I snap. I want him to feel worse than me. I want him to know that just one ‘sorry’ won’t make it any better.
“That’s not enough for what you’ve done to me.” I add as tough as I can.
Mike bites his bottom lip, but it keeps trembling. He finally nods.
“You’re absolutely right to be mad at me.” he says while looking at the floor.
“I’m not asking you to forgive me.” he says and raises his head up to face me. His eyes are a bit red and watery.
“But, I was hoping if you could give me a second chance.” he says.
“A second chance?” I ask with a bitter laughter.
“Let’s start all over. Please. I can’t stand a day without you.” he mumbles and I notice that he has started blushing a little.
I swallow the lump in my throat and open my mouth.
“A second chance must be won. And I think, it’s too early to do something like that.” I tell him.
“I’ll do anything to make you believe that I deserve it.” he says making another chuckle escape from my mouth.
Mike looks embarrassed but I keep laughing.
“How can you ask me to forget something like that?” I ask all serious now.
“I’d never ask you to forget.” he replies and crosses his arms to his chest.
“Just believe that I have regretted it since the moment I said it.” he continues.
I realize that he hasn’t mentioned anything about the kiss. Has he completely forgotten about that? Or didn’t it mean anything to him? I hope so.
“Well, I believe you at this point.” I admit.
“Thank you so much.” he immediately wraps his arms around me in a tight hug, giving me chills down to my spine.
“Okay, not so fast.” I say pulling myself over.
Mike takes his hands off of me and rubs the back of his neck.
“Sorry.” he says and I swear to God, I’ve never seen him blushing so much.
I just shrug and I’m pretty sure that I’ve made a big mistake.
I had sworn to myself that I would never talk to him again; but now here I am. Almost forgiving him after what he did to me. What the hell is wrong with me?
“But, thanks again.” he tells me one more time.
“Yeah, anyway …” I try to change the subject, because it has really gotten to my head and I feel like I’m going to explode.
“Where’s your band?” I finally ask him.
“Oh well … ” he starts saying. “We’re on a break for now.” he replies sadly.
I scratch my chin. “Why so?” I ask.
“Our drummer left” he admits. “So now, we’re screwed.” he adds with a fake chuckle.
“I thought that you wanted him out of the band anyway.” I remind him and he nods.
“Yes, I know. But now I realize …” he pauses for a second. “that we’re nothing without a drummer; and we can’t find anyone good to replace him.” he says.
“So what are you doing now?” I ask.
“Uh, I’m trying to find a job.” he replies with a small smile, probably happy that I’m not mad at him for now.
“I’ve played in some bars now, and I’m saving money so I can live somewhere alone. I can’t stay to Calvin’s anymore.” he adds.
“I see.” I reply and nod understandingly.
“What about you?” he asks, suddenly seeming like he cares about my answer.
I run my hand through my hair and look at him. “Nothing really.” I admit with a shrug.
“Nothing has happened these past few days.” I say.
Except for some anger attacks and a lot of crying, I think. But I’ll leave this to myself. I really wonder what happens now.
//
thanks for waiting for almost three weeks. thanks for voting and getting this to 3k. wow. the comments really make my day
as soon as the christmas come, i guarantee that i’ll be updating sooner .
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