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-ASH-
Shit. One word, that can explain my feelings so damn well. I’m in such a plight condition right now, that the last thing I need, is people’s empathy.
I don’t think I have realized that, yet. I don’t want to think about it, either. I end up with tears in my eyes, every damn time. I can’t believe that I will never get to meet them, or ask them why they left me. But, that doesn’t really matter anymore. All that matters is, that I can’t see them. But, I hope they can see me.
I wipe quickly my last tear, with my finger before I go out of my apartment.
::
“Ashton, we need to talk.” Mr Roger says silently while I’m reading a random book I found, just to distract myself.
“Oh, okay.” I reply and put the book on the table. I hope he’ll give me more work to do. I need to keep myself distracted all the time.
I’m heading to his desk, where he’s sitting with one leg to the other, with his head resting in his hands.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask him.
“Sit down Ashton. I don’t want you to do anything for now.” he replies, and I follow his instructions by sitting on a chair.
“Your friend came here yesterday. What was his name?” he says and sighs.
I feel my heart beating faster. “Mike was here?” I ask with widen eyes.
Mr Roger nods. “He was looking for you. He said that he was trying to contact with you, but you kept ignoring him.”
“I did not ignore him.” I interrupt him quickly. “I just didn’t know what to do.”
“He also said that as your father I could talk to you.” he continues and gives me a frowned look.
“And what did you tell him?” I ask while I can already feel cold sweat dropping on my forehead. I should have talked to Michael earlier.
“I told him the truth, Ashton.” he says and looks in my eyes.
“What truth?” I ask trying to keep calm, even though my cheeks are heating up.
“That I’m not your father. I know, I shouldn’t .. “
“Why did you do this?” I ask loudly and stand up. Mr Roger gives me a concerned look and stands up, too.
“I’m sorry Ashton.” he says and tries to tap my shoulder but I pull over.
“No. You knew how hard this was for me.” I say. I can feel my face burning from anger but fear, too. How much does Michael know?
“Does he know about my parents?” I ask.
Mr Roger shakes his head. “No. I think you should be the one, to tell him all about you.”
I run my hand through my hair, feeling like I want to rip all of it off.
“How am I going to do this? He must be so mad at me right now.” I say.
“Take it easy. I’m sure he’s not.”
“Don’t tell me to take it easy, because I can’t. You shouldn’t say anything.” I shout in an uncontrollable voice. A tear drops on my cheek.
“I’m sorry Ashton. I really am.” he says trying to comfort me.
“I want to leave. Excuse me, I can’t stay here anymore.” I say and turn my back at him. As soon as I step outside the library, I slam the door behind me.
I make quick and heavy steps and take my cellphone out of my pocket and search for Mike’s number. But, what would I tell him?
I press call anyway, and wait for him to answer. But he doesn’t. I try again and wait.
Pick it up Mike. Pick it up.
But instead, he decides to reject the call. Dammit. I’m so damn stupid. I should have told him the truth before. Before any of this shit would happen.
I take quickly a pill from my pocket, and then swallow it so I can feel a little bit better for now.
::
I’m heading to his bandmate’s place. Fortunately, I still remember where it is.
I knock the door two to three times, until a boy with dark brown hair opens it.
He gives me a confused look. “Who are you?” he asks.
“I need to see Mike.” I respond quickly.
“Oh, he’s busy.” he says, ready to close the door.
“No, wait. I need to talk to him. Please, tell him to come outside.” I almost beg him.
“He doesn’t really want to talk to anyone. I’m sorry.” he says and closes the door to me.
“NO!” I shout as loud as I can. “Mike, I can explain.” I say on the top of my lungs. I am not going to leave without seeing him.
“Please, come outside and let me explain.” I shout and then I see the door open.
Then, Mike shows up but he doesn’t look at my sight. He stares at his shoes, while he’s walking closer to me.
“I’m so sorry, that you had to learn it like this.” I say in a shaky voice trying to stay calm.
“Why did you lie Ashton?” is all he says as his eyes meet mine.
I feel my cheeks heating up, as I’m trying to find the right words to say.
“I thought that we were friends.” he adds.
“I know that I should have told you the truth since the beginning, but I didn’t think that I was ready.” I say.
“But, I told you about me. Why was it so hard for you?” he asks, while crossing his arms.
I don’t know how to answer to that. I just can’t find the words.
“Do you want to know the truth?” I ask while looking down.
“If it’s going to be the real truth, then sure.” he replies.
“Okay then. I’d like you to come with me, to meet my real parents.” I say trying my best not to stutter as the thought of their graves comes to my mind.
::
-MIKE-
“Oh shit. We should have taken the bus or something.” I say almost out of breath. We’ve been walking for at least half an hour, and still we’re not there, yet.
I know I should be mad at Ashton for lying to me, and I am, at this point. There must be a really big reason to lie about something like that. And I’m really curious to find out that reason.
“Yes, it’s pretty far but we’re here eventually.” he says sadly.
I look up to the place, and something’s not … right.
“Ashton, I thought that you would take me to your parents.” I say.
“That’s what I did.” he says and takes my hand. I feel a little bit strange at that, but he drags me to go faster with him.
“But, that’s a cemetery Ashton.” I say, and then he lets go of my hand. His eyebrows are furrowed and a big frown takes place on his lips.
He doesn’t say anything, as he keeps walking around the graves and I follow him. Oh shit, I can’t believe that I got mad because of this. I can’t believe that his parents are dead.
After a few seconds, he suddenly stops. “These are my parents, Mike.” he says with red eyes, the tears ready to run.
I feel my stomach aching, and a lump catching in my throat. “I’m really sorry, Ashton.” I say.
He shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. You told me everything, and I didn’t.” he whimpers.
I just can’t stand and watch him with tears on his face. I raise my hands and wipe them with my fingers. Then, all of a sudden he wraps his arms around me and embraces me tightly.
“Don’t be sorry, please. I know it’s hard to lose your parents.” I say, while rubbing my hands on his back. I really can’t just get rid of that stupid feeling I get.
Even though, it was me who left my parents, I know how it is to feel alone.
“Mike,” he whispers, as he pulls over to see me. His eyes just a few centimeters away from mine.
“I don’t even know them. I found out about them, only just yesterday.” he says quietly.
“What do you mean?” I wonder.
“There’s more about me, that I have hidden from you. I don’t know how to start.” he says, while rubbing his eyes, to prevent the tears.
“You can tell me.” I reply. I really want to know about his story. But, I don’t want to seem curious. I’m really just concerned about him. I want to know him.
“My parents left me when I was a baby.” he says suddenly, leaving me socked. Before I even say anything he continues. “They left me at an orphanage, where I spent all of my life.” he adds, but he doesn’t make eye contact with me. He looks at the graves of his parents, with crossed arms.
“And now I see that they’re dead.” he stops to sigh. “And I was really looking forward to meeting them, you know? To ask them about everything.” he says sadly.
I really want to say something and comfort him, but I can’t. This is too much. I did not expect that he has gone through so much.
“Friends are supposed to share their secrets, but the truth is, I don’t know how it is to have a friend.” he continues. “They would always adopt everyone, but me. They never wanted me.” he says and after that, his voice cracks.
Fresh tears now are rolling down my own cheeks.
“I’m sorry Mike. Sorry that I lied to you.” he says and hugs me again. He rests his head on my shoulder and sighs.
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Never again.” I reply and rub his back again.
Then, Ashton lets a small whimper until he finally breaks down in my arms. I haven’t stopped crying, either. Just the fact that he’s so sad and I can’t do anything about it, drives me insane.
“You opened up to me. And I’m grateful for that. But I couldn’t do the same.” he says in a shaky voice, “I did not want you to feel sorry for me.” he adds.
“Ashton.” I start saying, and pull him over, so he can face me. “I wouldn’t feel sorry for you. We both have rough past. You know, you can always trust me.”
He nods. “Are we okay, now?” he asks.
“Of course we are.” I reply with a small smile. Then, we start leaving, getting out of the cemetery.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask him, and he shrugs.
“If those people weren’t your real parents, then who are they?”
“Ms Daria, she was the one who raised me in the orphanage. She was always there for me. And her husband, Mr Roger who gave me the job to his library.” he replies.
.
After a long way to go back home, I decide to break the silence. “I will understand if you want to stay alone. But, do you want to come to my concert today?” I ask him, hoping he says yes.
“If you want any distraction for now, come.” I say and take a ticket from my back pocket and give it to him. “I’ll be waiting for you behind the stage.” I say and then leave him.
::
After one exhausting -and shitty really- performance, I really just want to rest for a while. People will never take our band seriously. Not as long as we can’t have a serious drummer. Like really, this kid has really missed all of our rehearsals.
We didn’t even have that much crowd. Not even thirty people.
“I know you want me to leave this band.” Dan tells Lucas while I accidentally overhear them.
“I’m going to leave you, before you kick me out.” he says.
“It was nice meeting you, though.” I tell him, while I put my guitar on its case.
“It’s not time for sarcasm, Mike.” Dan says. “Goodbye, thanks for this experience anyway.” he says and after that he leaves.
“Well, ” Lucas turns his head to me. “We’re screwed.” he says.
“Shit, we can’t be a band with no drummer.” Calvin says socked.
“Calm down, guys. We’ll get through this.” I say. Even though, I know it’s hard to find a really good drummer that quickly.
“How can you say this? We already struggle as a band. Now, we’re fucked.” Lucas responds to my answer.
I’m about to find something to reply, but a fading screaming of my name, makes me turn around.
“Hey, I thought you told me that you would be behind the stage. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Ashton says out of breath. Was he really running?
Lucas and Calvin give Ashton a really judgemental look. I quickly give them a knock-it-off look and turn to Ashton. “Let’s go somewhere where we’ll be alone.” I say and start walking until he follows me. I’m glad, he really didn’t pay attention to Lucas and Calvin. He really has learnt how to not take anyone’s shit.
“You were right.” he says.
“About what?” I say with a chuckle.
“Your music is a really good distraction for me.” he says with a smile.
He finally smiles. It’s so nice to see him smiling, since the last time I saw him, he was sobbing.
“That is so nice.” I reply. I can’t take my eyes off of his deep dimples, that are formed because of his smile. I walk closer to him, while he’s standing in front of me.
“I really like your company.” he says silently, and then we just stare at each other. Ashton has a confused look on his face, but that’s when I know exactly what I want to do.
Before I even realize it, I have pressed my lips on Ashton’s warm ones.
I can feel Ashton pressing his lips in a thick line, and pushing me back with his strong arms.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he yells. His face has started heating up, and so has mine as I realize how stupid I am, to do something like that.
“Never do that again.” he says and makes his hand as a fist and punches my face. His strength makes me lose my balance and I fall on the floor. I never thought that he could punch someone like that. I spit some blood, and wince at the pain but I don’t want him to see.
“Don’t deny it.” I say with a sudden confidence.
Oh shit, what the fuck am I doing? Mike, stop please, I think to myself.
“Do you hear what you’re saying? You just kissed me. Friends don’t do that.” he yells furiously. “And most of all, we’re boys.” he emphasizes the word boys, but I really don’t pay attention at that.
“I’m damn sure that you must felt something, Ash.” I say with cracking a smile, that only irritates him more.
His eyes widen more, and his cheeks turn redder — if that’s possible.
“Don’t you ever, and I mean ever, call me Ash again.” he says, trying to control his voice.
“Why, only your mum calls you that?” I say and I immediately regret it.
“Oh shit.” I snap. “Shit, I’m sorry Ashton.” I say and try to get closer to him.
“Stay away from me.” he pushes me over again, but slightly this time.
I can see tears in his eyes.
“I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.” I say, but I know Ashton won’t forgive me that easily.
“You really shouldn’t say that. I trusted you.” he says in a deep voice while he’s wiping his tears, and starts walking away.
Fuck you Mike, I say to myself. Why did I tell him something so heartless like that? I should be the one to comfort him and make him feel better. Why am I so stupid?
Do I have to lose you, Ashton?
And the most important question, I have for myself, why did I kiss him? I can’t even think of a reason why I had the urge to do that. No, wait. I can’t.
Am I falling for him?
//
so here it is, i finally updated. i don’t really know when will be the next chapter. university is really stressful and a bit hard, so…
random fact: on my first day i entered a wrong class. it was like a nightmare come true.
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