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-ASH-
“Will you come out, Ashton?” I hear Mr Roger’s faint voice, coming from the outside of the door.
“You don’t have to be closed to yourself anymore.” he sighs. I’ve been hearing those words over and over again. I’m tired of this.
I’ve been in their bathroom for at least half an hour. Both Ms Daria and Mr Roger are really concerned about me, so they persuaded me in having dinner with them, at least every Sunday; so they can keep an eye on me.
My anger attacks have been more and more every day that passes, something I cannot control anymore. Most times, I get angry over the least important reasons.
And the thing is, even though I have dinner with the only two people that can make me feel better, it still doesn’t help.
I don’t even know what to do with myself.
“We’ll be waiting for you.” Mr Roger says, and then I hear his footsteps fading away, as he probably goes to the dining room with Ms Daria.
I hate worrying them; I feel like they feel sorry for me, and that’s not what I want – not at all.
I take a big breath, and look myself in the mirror. I ignore the bags under my eyes and just shrug it off. I finally open the bathroom door and make small and quiet steps.
Ms Daria immediately pays attention to me, “Oh finally Ash. Are you feeling any better?” she asks but I just raise my shoulders.
“I don’t really have any appetite. I’m sorry.” I say as I see her putting some food on a clean plate.
However, I sit down on a chair, next to Mr Roger. I can feel his eyes turning to me, making me nervous as always.
“You know you can trust us, right?” Ms Daria says with her genuine smile.
“Last time I trusted someone, made me think that I can never do that again.” I mumble.
“Ashton. What are you talking about? We know you almost forever. How can you say that?” Mr Roger snaps.
“You’re right.” I reply, feeling guilty for what I just said. “It’s just, I –” I stop, biting my bottom lip, as I feel it trembling, and seriously I have to stop being so damn sentimental.
Ms Daria reaches her hand and takes mine. “It’s okay to let your feelings out, dear. Don’t push them inside you.” she says and I make a small nod.
“I just feel like, I- I’ve made a huge mistake.” I finally admit.
“What kind of mistake?” Mr Roger wonders.
I scratch my neck while looking at my thighs. “I wanted Mike out of my life. I felt like I could never trust anyone again.” I stop to inhale for some air.
“But, he’s been my only friend.” I suddenly feel strange admitting that. I never even wanted to think about it on my own. That I still wanted his friendship.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” I say before letting a loud hiccup coming from my mouth. I rest my head on my hands, while Mr Roger pats my back.
There’s an awkward silence between us, for what seems like minutes. But it’s only probably ten seconds.
“Have you thought about it well?” he asks me.
“Thought about what?” I question.
“Him. You. I mean, even after this fight, do you still miss him?” he says looking deep in my eyes, making me shiver.
I don’t want to feel like that.
“I don’t want to miss him.” I reply sharply.
“But, do you?” he asks again, waiting for an answer. I simply raise my shoulders a little bit, but I don’t know if he takes it as a yes or I don’t know.
I don’t want to feel like this about him. I don’t want to have feelings anyway.
Is it wrong if I want to be friends with him again? After how he treated me? I should be very angry at him. But, I guess the most times I get angry, is not because of him; It’s because I miss him.
“I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.” I tell both of them, giving them a serious look. Ms Daria makes a half smile, “It’s okay.” she says.
::
::
I didn’t really have any energy to get up today, but since it’s been a while since I went to the library, I finally did it.
I put on my typical black jeans, an old shirt and my overused All-Star Converse. I don’t even bother to look myself in the mirror; I just lock my door and go outside.
When I finally arrive at the library, there are already customers in, but I keep walking until I reach Mr Roger’s office.
“Good morning.” I say quietly, until he raises his head from the phone and then hangs it up.
“Morning Ashton.” Mr Roger replies with a wide smile, making more wrinkles visible next to his eyes. “How did you decide to come again?” he asks with one raised eyebrow.
“Well,” I cross my arm over my chest. “I got bored of loneliness.” I say making him chuckle.
“You came to a perfect timing. We have so much work to do.” he says, suddenly being all so serious, making me confused.
“I’m just kidding.” he says letting out a small laughter.
“That was very funny.” I say making a fake giggle.
“Anyway, just make sure you’re there if someone needs help.” he informs me. “Oh, and be careful if someone puts a book to a wrong shelf.” he adds.
“Okay, I got it.” I say going to my favourite hall, with classic novels, trying to get some distraction by reading my favourite books.
Thankfully, there is nobody to bother me, so I can just get lost for a moment.
::
After three hours of just sitting and doing nothing, I finally stand up and take the books to put them back to their shelves.
For a moment, I feel like someone’s behind me but I ignore it. They’re probably trying to find a book.
At the time I put the last book back, I feel someone’s cold hand on my shoulder, making me jump at the chills that it gave me.
“Sorry,” I hear this familiar voice.
I turn around to unexpectedly see Mike standing right in front of me. He hasn’t changed at all. Just his red coloured hair has started fading away.
“I didn’t want to scare you.” he says seriously.
“Why’re you here?” I ask aggressively. I can already feel my heart beating faster.
“Well, since we haven’t talked for so many days, and you keep rejecting my calls,” he says, without making eye contact like he seems nervous.
“I just wa–”
“You can’t just burst into here, like nothing ever happened.” I cut him off.
His cheeks have a light shade of pink, and his mouth is almost open. “I thought that we talked about this.” he says.
“And you thought that it’s gonna be like it used to be?” I ask him with sarcasm.
“I’ve told you that I’m sorry.” he tells me, putting his hands inside his pockets.
“I know, and I forgive you.” I say, making him raise his head up to me in sock. His eyes have widened so much, they look like two big balls.
“But just because of that, doesn’t mean that we can still be best friends.” I add.
Mike swallows before opening his mouth. “I can’t make time go back, but I can show you that I can be a better person if you let me.”
I don’t respond to that, and I just shrug.
“Can we just hang out for today?” he asks me with a look on his face full of hope.
“Yeah, I guess.” I answer.
Mike smiles a little bit, but he doesn’t make it bigger.
“I was wondering if you would like to come with me at Calvin’s for a while.” he says.
“But don’t you live there anyway?” I ask him.
“Nope.” he shakes his head. “Not anymore. I finally found a small and cheap apartment for me to stay.” he says proudly.
“That’s amazing.” I say almost smiling, but I don’t really want to show that for now.
“Thanks. I just want to go to Cal’s to pack my last things.” he says.
“Okay, I’ll come with you but, we have to wait for an hour until I finish work.” I tell him.
“It’s alright, I can wait.” he smiles.
::
Mike takes his spare keys from his pocket and opens the front door.
“I have to return them to Cal’s family.” he says pointing at the keys.
When we get inside, I feel slightly uncomfortable as I don’t know Calvin, or any of his other friends personally. Would it be okay, if I just come in their house without invitation?
No one seems to be at home, and Mike moves to the sofa, where there’s already a suitcase full of clothes. He starts putting some socks in it, and then taking some boxers.
“Yeah, my underwear is really childish.” he says with a slight blush.
I let out a small laughter at his sudden embarrassment, “It’s okay. I have superhero boxers, too.” I inform him, making him smile at me.
I don’t know how to feel right now. Moments earlier, I was trying to be rude and angry at him, but now I enjoy his company. Damn, I just can’t let go of how I feel. Do I really still want to be accompanied with him?
Suddenly, I hear the front door opening, revealing a boy as tall as us, with dark hair. I have seen him before when I came to tell Mike the truth. He has to be Calvin.
“You’re still packing mate?” he chuckles at Mike, but when he realizes that I’m in the room, his smile fades. “Who are you?” he asks.
“He’s my friend, Ashton. I think you’ve seen him before.” Mike saves me.
“Yeah, I think so. I remember you.” Calvin replies and I simply nod.
“I’m sorry for getting in your house without letting you know.” I say uncomfortably, but Calvin doesn’t seem to bother.
“It’s okay, you’re with Mike” he says.
“Hey dude,” Mike says, taking Calvin’s attention. “Have you seen where’s my Ramones’ t-shirt?” he asks him.
Calvin furrows his eyebrows in thought. “You used to leave your shirts down in the basement, after the rehearsals.” he informs him. “It’s probably there.”
Mike nods and zips his suitcase. “Okay, I’m gonna check it out. Ashton you’re coming?” he says looking at me. Calvin’s gaze has also turned to me.
My only response to him, is a slight nod.
I follow him down to the basement, as he turns on the lights. The first things I notice, are the musical instruments that take the most place of this room.
Then, my head stops at the drums. They look like those I used to play.
“Sometimes, we still like to play with the guys.” Mike says. “But, it’s not the same without the drums.” he adds.
“I see.” I answer.
“There it is.” Mike shouts while holding his t-shirt, that he found on a table.
“Eh Mike,” I mutter to him, and he looks at me with full attention.
“Can I have a glass of water, please?” I ask.
“Uhm, sure. Let’s go to the kitchen.” he says and walks away. I start following back, but I stop without letting Mike know.
I make sure the door is all closed. Then, my attention goes to those drums. I’m not really sure what I want to achieve by this, but I quickly grab the drumsticks and sit down in front of those drums.
God, they’re beautiful.
I haven’t played in years, but I still remember all of the songs that I’ve learned.
I start playing the first notes and feel like it’s been ages. The way those drumsticks fit my hands is amazing. It reminds me of my childhood years, and I feel free for a moment.
My hands are literally on fire, as I never stop playing, until someone’s walking inside.
I immediately stop and looking at Calvin and Mike, who are both looking extremely confused. Mike’s hand is shaking while water drops down from the glass, but he puts it on a desk.
I’m pretty sure I must look so much red, as they don’t speak at all.
“I’m — I’m sorry.” I stutter. “I wasn’t intend to play.” I say.
“Why not?” Calvin finally speaks. “You play amazing.”
I just shrug.
Michael looks at me with an open mouth, before finally deciding to speak. “Why the hell you never told me about this?” he asks.
“I — I don’t know.” I say looking down. “I hadn’t really played since a long time.” I add. “I didn’t know I could still play.”
“Well, you sure can play.” Calvin says, looking at me.
“I had no idea.” Mike says, but it seems like he’s talking to himself.
“Well, it’s not like it was something I wanted to brag.” I tell them, but they keep being silent.
Both of them start looking at each other with a small smile on their faces. Then, they both grab their guitars. Mike his electric one, and Calvin his bass.
“What are you doing there?” I ask them, but I think I know the answer.
“We want to try something.” Mike says with a huge grin on his lips.
“We’ll start playing a song, and we want you to keep up with us.” Calvin continues for him. They both seem excited but I’m not feeling it.
“Uh, I’m not sure.” I say.
“Oh come on.” Mike says, “We just want to see if you can play faster songs, too.”
I finally give in and I nod. “Fine, let’s start the song.”
“Great, we’ll start with Don’t Stop” Calvin says, and after that both him and Mike start jamming their guitars, and I’m trying to play as best as I can.
They’re pretty fast, but I manage to keep up with them. I’m not gonna lie, it really feels good playing something improvised. Like, I had no idea how this song goes but I feel like I can play it.
Suddenly, they start singing some lyrics, like we’re doing some kind of a real rehearsal. Like we’re a band. And it’s pretty cool, but I know that won’t happen.
When the song finally comes to an end, I wipe the sweat from my forehead.
“That was awesome.” Michael yells, looking at me.
“Dude, you’re really good.” Calvin shakes his head as a yes.
“It was cool … playing with you guys.” I say standing up.
“We have to do this again.” Mike says, with an unstoppable excitement.
“Wait,” Calvin stops him. “Lucas has no idea.”
“So? We can tell him. There’s no way, he won’t like him.” Mike responds.
“Sure, but we have to talk with him first.” Calvin says.
I clear my throat. “Uhm, I’m still here.” I tell them.
“Ashton,” Mike says. “Would you ever like to do this again?” he asks me.
“I don’t know.” I tell him honestly.
“You know, thanks to you we can technically be a band again.” Calvin says.
“But, I’ve never said I wanted to be in a band.” I answer.
Calvin nods and takes a breath. “Just think about it, okay?” he asks.
I sigh, looking at my shoes for a moment, “We’ll see.”
//
i finally managed to update,
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