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-ASH-
I still haven’t talked to Mike yet.
I’m just so damn terrified that I might say something that I shouldn’t, and make things worse. I’ve already lied to him; I don’t have to fuck things up more.
I mean, he’s so good and honest to me, and all I did to him was lying.
How can he forgive me now? And most important, how can I forgive myself for what I’ve done? This is not how you treat your friends. And I just learned how it is to have one. I don’t want to lose him, just like all of my old “friendships” that never lasted in the orphanage.
Mike is a good friend. I could call him my best friend.
“Hey Ashton. I need your help.” Mr Roger wakes me up from my daydream.
I just walk to him, without responding, to see what he needs. As always he gives me some books to arrange; and this is how we only communicate these days. He hasn’t spoken a word about that, and it drives me crazy.
I know I should apologize, but everytime I try to start a conversation with him, his eyes go down and changes the subject.
“You know what you have to do.” he says while pointing to some books.
I sigh and take them in my arms. “Look Mr Roger,” I start saying but he leaves as if he didn’t listen.
“No. You have to listen to me.” I almost yell.
“And why is that, Ashton?” he asks.
“I am s-sorry.” and that’s all I say until the phone rings and makes me jump off. Such a bad-timing.
“Local Library. How could I help you?” he answers the phone.
After a few seconds, I just walk away to do what I have to do. But damn those books; there are so many, making me dropping some of them on the floor.
I go down on my knees, and as soon as I extend my hand to reach the books, my hand meets an another person’s hand.
“I’ll help you.”
I raise my head to see a young girl — maybe around my age.
“No, it’s fine. I can handle this.” I say taking some of the books in my arms, but this girl has already managed to take some, too.
“These are really heavy. I just couldn’t watch you without helping you.” she says and looks at me with a smile.
She follows me all around the halls, as she seems so helpful. I can feel her staring at me while I put the books to their place. I’m not saying anything and act like she’s not there.
But, the way she keeps staring at me just drives me crazy. Maybe she doesn’t only want to help, but the truth is I’m done with girls. At least, for now.
It’s been almost two weeks since I had an anger attack. I’m not going to lose control over this girl that I don’t even know the name of.
As soon as I end with the books, I start walking away.
“Uhm, you’re welcome?” I hear her saying behind me.
I turn around, “Oh yeah, thanks.” I say and then walk again.
“Well, I was just trying to be polite.” she says sounding annoyed.
“Okay. I said thanks. I just don’t need help.” I snap and then she doesn’t say anything and leaves.
I sigh. Dammit, I think. I just can’t help it, can I? I can’t help but act like a selfish rude bastard. I put my hand to my pocket and take the box with my pills. I take one and put it on my mouth, until I swallow it.
I guess, that girl just wanted to help and I behaved awfully to her as always.
::
“So, Daria told me you’re going to find your parents, right?” Mr Roger asks out of nowhere. I nod without making eye contact.
“Yes. I’ve found an address, but I really have no idea where it is.”
“I have a map on my car. Wait a minute.” he says while leaving, until he comes back in the building holding something like a map.
“This will help you find it quickly.” he says and hands it to me.
“Thank you sir. And I’m sorry again.” and without saying anything else, I hug him. Mr Roger awkwardly hugs me back and tells me:
“It’s okay, Ashton. Don’t worry about me. It’s your friend that you should apologize to.”
As I pull over, I run my hand through my hair and nod.
“I know. But firstly, I want to meet my family, and then I swear; I’ll tell him everything. I just hope he won’t get mad at me. I hope he’ll understand.”
“If he’s really your friend he will understand, Ashton.” he says.
“I hope so. I mean, I’ve finally made a friend.”
But does he really think of me as his friend anymore? After how I am treating him? After ignoring him?
::
::
It’s been already half an hour since I left the library and all I’m doing is going in circles. I think I might be lost, as well. I’m walking all over the town, and I have seen these same damn streets for over five times now.
I guess I have to ask someone. But, I can’t even start a conversation without stuttering my words.
I inhale for some air, as I see an old man walking past me, and I stop.
“Excuse me, s-sir?” I ask quietly.
He raises his head, and looks at me in wonder as if he didn’t hear what I said.
“How can I help you, kid?”
“I hoped if you could help me find this address.” I mumble and show him the piece of paper.
“Oh, it’s not that far from here.” he says as he touches his chin and thinks.
“You have to walk all this street, and on the fifth block you go to left, alright?” he says pointing to his left.
“Okay, thank you very much.” I say and then follow his instructions.
I fold the map that Mr Roger gave me, and put it to my back pocket. It won’t help me from now on. Then, I take that little letter that my parents had left with me. I read it again and again. I hope they still feel like what they wrote about me. I hope they haven’t forgotten about me or worse started a new family without me.
Dammit; I have to stop thinking about the worst case scenarios only. I have to be optimistic from now on.
I take a small breath as I keep walking. I’ll probably recognize them, if it’s them when they open the door. I’m pretty sure I will know if it’s my mother or father, right?
After a few minutes, I finally am on the right street. I check the address one more time, just to be sure, and then start searching for the right number. 42.
The house seems pretty small, without a yard and I guess it would be comfortable for a couple, but not for a big family.
At first, I swallow the lump that has stuck in my throat. I check the doorbell, and it doesn’t have any name written on it. Now what’s that suppose to mean?
I can already feel a small pain aching my stomach and my hands are shaking while I ring the bell. I hear footsteps.
I feel like a panic attack is ready to come.
As the door opens, I see a brunette woman, but she seems pretty young. At least thirty years old.
No, she can’t be a mother of a twenty year old, right?
I have to speak, but I have no idea how to begin with. I had to think about that earlier.
“You’re not from those people who go to random homes and sell things? Because, seriously. I’m not buying anything.” she chuckles.
I rub the back of my neck and shake my head.
“No. I’m not. I actually want to see the Parkers. If you know where I could find them, that’d be great.” I say.
“The Parkers? I haven’t heard of them in ages. They sold me this house seven years ago.”
My lips have formed a frown. And what sucks, is that I had a hope for fucking sake.
“Is there any possibility you would know where I could find them?” I ask but I really hope for nothing.
“I think I remember them telling me they would move to east. Wait. I’ll write you the address if I remember it right.” she says and goes back in her house.
When she returns, she hands me a small paper with another address written on it.
“They were so kind people when I met them. They said they wanted to make a new life.” she says with a smile.
But, I don’t find a reason to do the same. I just really try to hold back the tears.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I lie with a fake smile.
“Do you know them?” she asks.
I nod. “Yes, it’s been a long time since I saw them actually, and I really want to reunite with them.” I say, which technically is not a lie.
“Okay. I hope the address I gave you will help.”
::
I’m not in the mood to continue for today. I’ll start tomorrow again.
I had such high expectations that I would find them, but I guess it’s not that easy.
But, I won’t stop. I gave myself a promise and I will not break it.
Also, I can’t stop thinking about what that woman said. They wanted a new life. Without me. So, my absence makes them happy now. How should I feel about it? I just really want to find them and see the expression on their faces when they see their grown son right in front of them.
But, all of these thoughts stop, when suddenly I hear my phone ringing.
::
-MIKE-
I’ve lost my interest in everything.
I don’t go out. I’m closed to myself and I don’t really talk much to anyone. Just like the “good” old days.
I think Calvin’s parents see me more, than they see their own son. They probably have got bored of me being in their house all this time.
Even during the rehearsals, most of the times I’m zoned out. Worse than Dan.
But, the worst part of them all; I think I’m losing my friend. Ashton doesn’t talk or even call me. I know he prefers staying alone and being by himself, but I can’t take it anymore. I realize that I need him as a friend. I need to be a friend with someone.
Well, of course Lucas, Calvin and I have started getting pretty well, but it’s not the same like when I’m with Ashton.
I have told him pretty much everything about me, and I like it when I am with him.
Dammit. Am I losing my mind? I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Do friends feel like this, really?
Because, all I do is thinking about his stupid face all day long.
Okay, that’s it. I won’t keep waiting with my arms crossed. I’m calling him.
I find his contact and quickly press call.
“Hello?” he answers the phone, and I can feel his awkwardness from kilometers away. Maybe he wasn’t ready for my call.
“Hello Ashton. How’re you doing? It’s been a while.”
“Yes, indeed.” he doesn’t talk much.
“Look Ashton. I want to talk to you.”
“Okay, fine.” he sighs.
“I just feel like you keep ignoring me all this time, like you don’t like me.”
“No. No Mike,” he interrupts me quickly. “I like you. I like our friendship. It’s just m-me. I’ve told you before. I mess up everything.”
“I don’t care. I want to be with you. I mean, I w-want to be your f-friend.” I say trying to correct myself.
What the hell am I thinking?
“I want that, too Mike. But I feel like I’ll disappoint you someday, like I disappoint everyone. And I don’t want that.” he says.
“Ashton, I don’t care what you think about yourself, because I think you’re cool. I like your company. I just feel like you’re hiding something from me.” I say
There’s a small awkward pause between the two of us.
“Eh, Mike there’s too much going on right now and I don’t know what to do.” he says, and I feel some kind of sadness in his voice.
“Then tell me, Ashton. I will help you if I can.”
“No, it’s fine Mike.” he says quietly but I won’t leave him that easily.
“No Ashton. I said I’m your friend. I won’t stop till I make you feel that you can trust me.”
He doesn’t respond right away and sighs.
“I need to see you. I need to talk to you about something. But not through the phone.” he says and after that he hangs up without even saying goodbye, leaving me kind of opened mouth.
What does he want to talk about that can’t be told through the phone?
//
seriously now, do you like this damn story?
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