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-ASH-
You have a new notification.
I check my cellphone to see, that Mike just sent me a text.
From !mike! : ‘r u busy tonight?‘
Okay; that’s really hard to answer. Hey I can’t see you today, cause I gotta find my real parents. Oh! And those people, I introduced you to as my parents? Guess what. They’re not.
Nope. Not a good reply. Ugh.
To !mike! : ‘sorry, got a lot of work today at the library‘
I know, what a lame excuse; but I have to go with it. I really have to find the right time to tell him, but it really must be the hardest thing I have to do. Why did I even have to lie? It feels like a pain in the ass to me now.
I can imagine him telling me, he no longer wants to be a friend with me because I did not trust him. And I wouldn’t disagree with him. He’d be all right, if he’ll refuse to talk to me from now on.
But, I won’t be. I won’t be alright. I’ll be alone again; knowing that I push everyone away, and I can’t handle that.
However, I gotta tell him sooner or later. No matter what happens after that.
::
“So, where are we going again?” Ms Daria says, as I sit on the passenger seat of her car.
She offered to drive me there, as long as it’s a pretty long trip from what they said.
“Well, there it is.” I say and hand her the piece of paper with the name of the street. She stares at it for a while, and then starts the car.
I rest my head at the back of my seat, and turn my head out of the window and stare at the moving pictures.
Two months ago, I wouldn’t even imagine myself like that. I was just a kid, sitting on my room all day, and almost never wanted to associate with anyone. Sure, I liked to take care of the smaller kids but you get my point. I let all of my emotions inside me, and sometimes I would just cry silently under my pillow. But, I never felt better. I always had at the back of my head, the thought about going out. I thought I would be a free and more confident human being. But I still lack in all of them.
And now here I am; outside, driving to the east side of Sydney. Who knew that I would finally have the chance to see my parents? My own family?
“You’re pretty quiet.” Ms Daria decides to break the silence.
I turn to face her. Her eyes, still on the road.
“Well, I was thinking.” I say. “I’m really nervous, actually.” I mumble.
“Everything’s going to be alright, darling.” she says in a sweet voice.
“I hope so. I really do.” I say and shake my head, just to get all of my negative thinking out of my mind.
“No matter what happens, we’ll still be here for you.” she says and rubs my shoulder a little.
I crack a small smile at that. Of course, this woman was always there for me and I’m so grateful for that.
“Do you think they’ll like me?” I ask out of nowhere.
“Why do you ask that? Of course they’ll like you. They’ll love you.” she replies.
“Yes. But not only because I’m their son. Do you think they’ll like me as a person?” I ask, feeling a sudden insecurity.
She turns her head to me for while, until she heads back to the road and frowns.
“Ash, there’s nothing you should be worried about. You are such a good kid, and yes you might had some struggle to adjust to your new environment; but you’re still the same and great Ashton I raised up.”
“Okay.” I sigh. “I’m just, you know, this whole situation has really affected me, and I’m so nervous that I will actually meet them. If this address is correct, though.” I say.
“Let’s just keep being positive for now, okay?” she says and I nod.
The car drive keeps for a less than a half hour, until Ms Daria starts slowing down.
“Here we are.” she says while she’s parking the car.
I take a big breath, and open the door so I can take a step outside. Ms Daria does the same.
I take a glance on this neighbourhood. Seems quiet. But, the house I’m looking for seems … weird.
It looks like it is abandoned. I’m not sure if anyone lives in this place. Well, I wouldn’t.
“I think that woman might confused the number. It’s definitely not this house.” I say
Ms Daria raises her shoulders. “Why don’t you just go and check it out? I’ll be waiting here.” she says.
“Okay. I’ll go.” I say.
I open the door, and step into the yard which is really messy. Leaves and rubbish are everywhere. I try to look inside the windows but I can’t see anything. Only darkness. This place has already started to freak me out. I check their ring but it seems broken, so I just knock the door.
No response.
I knock again, louder this time. But nothing. I am really just wasting my time, aren’t I? Maybe, it’s not meant for me, to be with them.
“Who’re you looking for?” I hear an unknown voice with a really weird accent. Maybe European or something.
I turn around and see a middle aged man, on the next house stepping in his yard. He’s looking at me confused.
“Uhm, is there anyone living on this house?” I ask while pointing to the house.
He shakes his head. “Nobody lives there, as you can see.”
This really irritating pain in my stomach is messing me again.
“Oh,” I mumble. Shit, I think.
“Are you looking for someone specific, boy?” he asks. He might know them.
“Yes, actually. I was told that the Parkers live here. But now I came here, and just find an empty house.” I say.
He stares at me for a while, with no expression on his face. He rubs his face with his hands, and lets out a silent sigh.
“They left this house.” he says.
“What? This one, too?” I say in a shaky voice. No, I have to control myself. This can’t be happening. Not again. Isn’t there any place where they’re fucking living?
“I’m sorry kid.” he says and starts leaving me.
“No.” I yell. “Please, you have to tell where I’ll find them.”
“And why do I have to?” he asks.
“Because they’re my pa-parents.” I stutter. “I need to see them. Please help me. You’re my last chance.” I say, feeling my cheeks heating up.
The man looks at me with a frown. “Well, I know the place where you’ll definitely find them.” he says and then tells me about the street.
“Is this really their valid address? Because, I’ve been already in two places and I can’t find them anywhere.” I say.
“Believe me. There’s not a way they won’t be there.” he says, still with a frown on his face.
“Alright then. Thank you, sir. So much.” I say and shake his hand.
While I start leaving, and heading to Ms Daria’s car, I hear him whispering, “I’m sorry.”
I raise my eyebrow and look at him. “Why?” I ask, but he turns away and goes back in his house.
I then start going to the car, trying to not think about it. Maybe I didn’t listen clearly.
Ms Daria is already inside, when I’m sitting back on the passenger seat. She seems worried, as she probably saw that I didn’t find them.
“Was that your ..” she starts saying.
“No,” I respond quickly. “He was just an old neighbour of them, I guess.”
“Oh. Well, what did he say to you?” she asks.
“They obviously don’t live here anymore. But, he told me where I can find them for sure.” I say, making Ms Daria smile softly. But, she freezes when she hears the name of the street.
“What?” I ask, now feeling really anxious. “This man had also that weird look on his face, while he was talking about them.”
“Well, let’s go there and find out.” she says and starts driving.
“You obviously know something I don’t.” I say.
“We don’t know anything for sure, yet.” she says.
::
We didn’t really talk much, during the car drive. I was just thinking about what I’d say when I see them. And mostly their reaction. I hope they’ll smile, when they’ll realize it’s me. I hope they’ll cry of joy and hug me tightly and tell me how much they love me.
And I’ll forgive them. I hope they’ll let me visit them at times. Having meals together, talking about each other. Being a family.
“We’re here.” Ms Daria wakes me up from my daydream. She looks sad, and then I turn up to see the street.
“But, ” I start saying.
No, this can’t be.
“But, this is a ce-cemetery. Why are we in a fucking cemetery?” I shout angrily.
“I’m sorry Ash. But, this is the address he gave you.”
“Well, he was wrong. He was wrong like the other woman, too.” I shout full of anger, again.
Ms Daria holds my hand, and tries to comfort me. “Do you want me to come with you?” she asks.
“No, I prefer going alone. It’s not like they’ll be dead, right?” I say and chuckle.
Ms Daria gives me the weakest smile that anyone could give you.
No, I’m not going to fall for this joke. I made a promise to find them. Alive. And that’s what it will be.
I step outside, and shut the door with pressure and walk to the goddamn cemetery.
As I go in, I just stop. There are so many graves everywhere. Even if they’re here, how am I supposed to find a specific grave?
I sigh, as I walk around and just look at random graves. Most of them are old people, but there are also some younger ones, too.
“Are you lost, kid?” someone asks. He looks like a priest or something.
“Well, I’m not sure. They said I would find them here, but I don’t think they have died.”
“Who’re you looking for?” he asks.
“The Parkers.” I reply. He then nods at me and says, “Follow me.”
I raise an eyebrow at that. They’re not dead.
Well, he did say follow me, though. He could be talking about my grandparents, right? Yes, of course. I do have grandparents, too.
“These are the graves you’ve been looking for.” he says and points at those two big stones.
I look at where he’s pointing at and, I just lose it. My breath catches in my throat and tears now are rolling down my cheeks. I try to blink them away, but it’s worthless.
I look up again. There are their names written on these fucking graves. My parents’ names, for god’s sake.
“No.” I yell. “This can’t be real. This wasn’t how I was supposed to meet you.” I cry so loudly.
That man is looking at me concerned. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” he says and I just shrug.
He then, leaves me alone with them. With my parents. My dead parents. I see their pictures. I finally get to see their faces. I look so much like my mother, that it makes me want to cry more.
“Seriously guys?” I say but I don’t stop crying. “Did I really have to search all around the town, to find out that you’re both dead?”
Even though I know there’s not going to be answers in those questions, I keep talking out loud to them.
“I wish you could see me. I wish I could knew what you would think of me.” I say and try to wipe my tears with my fingers. I check their graves again.
Death Date: 27th September 2008.
Ouch. I still remember that day. It was the best day of my life. It was one of the first big concerts that the orphanage gave in front of people. I remember myself, being so nervous because it was the first time I would play music in front of anyone. I was the drummer. I haven’t really played the drums in a long time now.
Even though I had so much stress, I did it. I played really good. Everyone was cheering and clapping at the end, and it was the first time I felt good about myself.
I can’t believe that this special day of my life, could be a tragedy, too. The day when I was playing music, and having fun, was also the day when my parents got killed.
Death Cause: Car Accident.
::
I run away from this place and go back in the car. I fall into Ms Daria’s arms and start crying again. She hugs me tightly and strokes my hair.
“I can’t believe it.” I whimper.
“I’m so sorry Ash.” she says, now crying, too.
“That was not how I imagined it. It is so damn unfair.”
“I know. I know.” she whispers.
“Let’s get out of here, please. I can’t even look at this place anymore.” I say and sit straight on my seat.
Ms Daria then, starts the car, going faster than before.
Just fuck my life. This can’t be happening to me. Now what am I doing? Just move on, and let it go? Because I don’t know if I can do that.
//
sorry about that.
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