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you probably need to read the end of the previous chapter just to remember where we had stayed.
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-ASH-
He keeps staying silent, like he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore; like he doesn’t want to speak at all. But no. I’m going to make him talk.
“Mike,” I start. “Tell me whatever that bothers you.”
He rubs his nose, while he’s clearing his throat. “We,” he stops to inhale. “Us,” he says, but he doesn’t seem like knows what he wants to say.
“What we have is really fucked up, okay?” he says, looking at me and I nod.
“I mean, everytime I think that we’re okay, something messes it up.” he adds.
“I know,” I reply. “But, that’s what makes it us. I think.” I add.
“Yeah sure. But –” he seems unsure.
“What Mike?” I ask him curiously.
“I just wish I could knew what’s in your mind. What do you think of me.” he says.
“Why would you even want that?” I say as I unwrap my arm from his shoulder, and rest it on my knee; we’re still sitting on the floor.
“There’s nothing special in my head.” I say blankly.
“So, I’m not special, am I?” he whispers, but I still can hear him.
“No. I didn’t mean it like that.” I respond quickly. “Sorry,” I say and he raises his shoulders.
“It’s just, –” I take a breath and continue. Mike has now wrapped his arm around me softly.
“All of my life, I was dreaming of the perfect family. How they would come, and take me from that orphanage and make me theirs. But they never came, you know.” I say. I bite my bottom lip just to prevent it from trembling. But, I’ve already started shaking.
“As soon as I got out of there, all I wanted was to find them. My real parents. I wanted to find out why they left me. Even though, I had hope that they still loved me. But, now it’s all gone. When I saw their stupid graves, I absolutely lost any hope for everything. And I’ve never felt so fucking alone.”
“And when I first met you, I absolutely hated myself,” I chuckle at myself from the memory. Mike stays silent, as he keeps listening to me patiently.
“I hated myself for doing what I did. But, you treated me so good. I seriously have put our ups and downs to the past.” I assure him and he nods with a small smile.
“Even when you, –” I stop, but he gets what I mean and he looks away uncomfortably.
“But, it’s okay. What I’m trying to say is, ” I say and touch his shoulder to make him look at me. “When I’m with you, I forget about my loneliness Mike.”
Mike gives me a genuine smile and puts his head on my shoulder. Even though, that should have made me feel awkward, it doesn’t.
“You have me Ashton, always remember that.” he says and raises his head to look at me. His eyes just a few centimetres away from mine.
“I know,” I whisper. I put my hand on his cheek and leave it there. I can feel the heat on Mike’s cheeks but I don’t care.
“I’m so glad that you noticed me that day, even though you shouted at me.” he says, causing me to laugh.
Mike starts leaning closer to me, but I don’t move. His mouth is slightly open, and I gulp. As we keep staring at each other in silence, Mike fills the small space that we had between us, by touching my lips with his.
At first, I don’t make any move, and neither does Mike. But then, he starts moving his lips on mine, and after some seconds I start doing the same. His hands are on my neck now, with his fingers stroking the ends of my hair.
And then, I start to realize.
I abruptly stand up and move away from him, with wide eyes. “That was a mistake,” I shout.
“Ashton,” Mike says, as he’s trying to reach me.
“Don’t you touch me again! ” I yell, and push him over, still can’t control myself again. “That will never happen again, you hear me?” I yell the last words, as louder as I can.
Mike nods, with the saddest look on his face, and I just run away.
I want to run away from here, once again. Run away from him; run away from my feelings.
::
-MIKE-
Why do I always ruin things? Yesterday was going so good, until I messed it up. Again.
And I actually thought I had a fucking chance. The way he was looking at me and talking to me. I thought I should risk it. But, I made a big mistake.
Now he’ll never forgive me again. And it’s fine if he doesn’t want me like that; but I can’t think of not having him in my life. At least as a friend.
I’m such an idiot. He’s your fucking friend, Mike. Get over him.
I can’t. I really can’t.
The only questions I have to myself are, can I see him again? Will he talk to me, or he’ll delete me out of his life?
That’s all I’m afraid of. But, I can’t stay here and live in fear. I should go there and face him. Explain to him. I don’t want to lose him. I have lost him before, but now maybe it’s for good. Maybe, I lost him forever.
I really wonder what he’s thinking of right now. Those are the times, when I really wish I had a time machine and turn back time and make things like they were. Why it has to be so damn hard?
::
I’m halfway through the road to Ashton’s apartment. This might be wrong, but I really don’t care anymore. I have to see him and talk to him. I can’t put him out of my life.
As soon as I arrive there, I hesitate. Just ring the bell, Mike. It’s not a big deal.
After five seconds of waiting for him to open the door, I feel like fainting.
“What do you want?” Ashton asks aggressively.
“Can I come in?” I ask silently.
“I’m not sure if I want to see you again.” he says.
“I came here to apologize. Please, let me in.” I say, trying to look in his eyes but he avoids my eye contact.
He finally lets me in, but I’m really scared of how he’ll react soon.
“Ashton, I’m really sorry for what happened the other day,” I start saying, “I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Ashton looks down, as if he’s embarrassed.
“Why are you sorry? I kissed you, too.” he says.
“But, I know you don’t see me like that. I know you want nothing more with me.” I reply.
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” he says, while exhaling some air. He runs his fingers through his brown hair and leaves his hand behind his neck. “I’m –” he starts, “I should feel really disgusted by all this situation, or angry, but I don’t.” he says and looks straight in my eyes. He has a really sad look in his face.
“What do you mean by that?” I ask, still not having any kind of hope.
“I don’t know what to do, Mike. I’m just so confused.” he replies.
“Just do what the fuck you want, Ashton. Do what you want. If you want me to go away, just say it and you’ll never see me again.” I say while raising my shoulders, pretending like I don’t care.
“Do you really want me to do what I want?” he asks, looking at me with wide eyes.
“Sure,” I say. “You’re a grown man, Ashton.”
“Just do what’s in my mind right now?” he asks confusingly. Why he has to make it so much more difficult? If he wants me to leave, he’d better say it today.
I’m about to turn my back to him and just leave, when I feel his hand grabbing mine, so I can’t go anywhere.
Within seconds, our lips are pressed to each other’s again. I’m really confused and curious right now. Is that really what he wants?
I try to stop thinking about anything, and focus on the kiss. He chose to fucking kiss me.
His both hands are holding my neck, while he’s rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. I automatically put my own hands around his waist and make him come closer to me.
Firstly, he’s kissing me slowly but then, I decide to risk it. I bite his bottom lip softly and he makes a small moan, causing me to smirk. Our tongues are touching while we’re kissing harder than before, and I press him to the wall of his room. He has now wrapped his whole arms around me, trying to have me closer.
Without even controlling our balance we both fall on his couch, with him on the top of me. We continue kissing, while his body is so damn close to mine. My heartbeat is racing like crazy right now. I just can’t explain this fucking feeling. I really don’t want this to stop, because after this Ashton probably would never want to do this again.
I can’t hold back the moan that he causes me, and he chuckles without stopping our kiss.
My hands are moving all over his body. I want to feel every inch of his on my skin. Ashton however, is still holding my cheeks.
He starts slowing down, to take a breath. “I don’t want this to ruin what we have.” he says suddenly.
I stare at him for a few seconds, before answering him, “It won’t,” I say.
“Do you like me, Mike?” he whispers as if anyone can hear us. I feel like this is a trick question. Should I tell him the truth? Is he playing with me?
“I like you Ashton, of course I do.” I say.
“Do you only see me as a friend?” he asks.
Fuck.
It is now or never.
“The thing is,” I say and put some piece of his hair behind his ear, while he’s still on the top of me.
“I kept saying that word to just remind me what we should be. Friends,” I say, trying not to look at him, but I fail because he’s just so close to me.
“It’s really hard for me to admit that, because I couldn’t even admit it to myself.” I add.
“Admit what?” he asks.
“Admit my feelings about you,” I finally say. “I think that I really am falling for you, and that’s so stupid because you would never feel like this for a guy and I totally embarrassed myself,–“
“Mike,” he cuts me off, “I don’t know anything about falling in love. I never felt like this before. All I know is that whenever I see you, I feel better. And, you’re always in my mind. And I don’t know if what we just did is wrong or right, but I really don’t care.” he says.
I smile a little at him, but he still seems confused.
“It’s okay to feel like this, Ashton.” I assure him. I’m sure that the idea of being with a guy is a real taboo for him.
“I like you, okay?” he says. “And I don’t know what that means, but when I kissed you yesterday I really felt something. I just didn’t want to admit this.” he says. “And now, ” he says, while biting his lip. “That was pretty amazing,” he says, chuckling.
“Do you think we can be more than friends?” I ask him.
“You’re still my best friend, you know.” he says and I nod. “But, I’d love to kiss you again.” he says, and with that he gives one more soft kiss on my lips.
And now it feels different. Now that I know what he really thinks.
Suddenly, he stops. “Hey, do you want to see a movie?” he asks out of nowhere.
I laugh at him, “Ashton, it’s eleven at night.” I say.
“So? Aren’t the cinemas open? And even if they aren’t, let’s just go out and have fun.” he says, while standing up, and pulling me up with his hands.
“Like, when we firstly went out together. And had pizza, remember?” he says.
“Of course I do,” I smile at the memory. “How could I forget?”
//
so yeah, it’s been so damn long and i’m really sorry. i have no internet connection and i have exams,
it will probably be two-three more chapters and then an epilogue.
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