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-ASH-
I let out a loud breath come out of my mouth once again.
“Is there anything going on?” Ms Daria asks. I’m really glad that she always wants to check if I’m okay, but sometimes I just wish she wasn’t that curious.
“No,” I reply slowly.
“Because, it seems like something’s going on.” she says. This time she’s looking right in my eyes.
“No, really. I’m fine, I guess — I’m just a little bit of tired. That’s all.” I reply.
“Really?” she asks sarcastically while raising her left eyebrow, and then continues reading her book.
We let some minutes of silence passing by, when the only thing that can be heard is the sound of our breathing.
“What’s that thing that appealed Mr Roger to you?” I suddenly ask.
Ms Daria raises her head up from her book. “What?” she asks as if she didn’t hear.
“I mean,” I stop to swallow. “What made you feel that he would be the man that you would spend the rest of your life with.”
A small grin starts forming on her lips.
“You’re taking me a lot years ago now, Ash.” she says while laughing, and I chuckle at her comment.
“Oh wow,” she starts. “I guess, I just knew.” she looks at me with a wide smile. “It’s all the feelings that someone makes you feel.”
“What kind of feelings?” I ask curiously.
“Happiness mostly. When I started to realize that this person made me feel happy just by standing next to me, I knew what I wanted.” she says while daydreaming a little.
“And even with all the arguments or ups and downs, if that’s your person, you just know.”
I just sit there, listening to what she has to say.
“Why such a desire to know about this, Ash?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I just wanted to know how you feel about someone you want to be with.” I admit.
“I see,” she nods. “There will be the time when you’ll meet somebody special.” she tells me with a genuine smile.
“Actually,” I start saying nervously. “I’m seeing someone.” I say.
She widens her eyes. “Really? Do I know her?” she asks.
Of course. Who would think that the other day I was kissing Mike? The boy that’s supposed to be my friend.
“No.” I shake my head.
How am I supposed to tell her?
“Okay. How is it going so far?” she asks.
“I’m really confused, Ms Daria.” I tell her. “I don’t know. It’s something that wasn’t supposed to happen.” I suddenly stop talking, and feel dizzy. Ms Daria looks at me like she doesn’t understand.
“But, it did.” I finish my sentence.
“What do you mean, it wasn’t supposed to happen?”
My stomach drops. All I want is to runaway. I can’t tell her. I just can’t. I feel like I’ll let her down. Even though, I know she loves me.
“We, — are very different as characters.” I say. I can feel cold sweat dropping on my forehead.
“Well, time will show. Give it some thought, until you know what you want.” she says and I nod while looking down.
I don’t know how I’ll ever find the right words to tell her the truth. How I really feel about Mike.
::
From !mike! : ‘im bored’
To !mike! : ‘then why aren’t you coming at my place? there’s something i want to show you anyway.’
From !mike! : ‘alright, you got my attention. im on my way.’
After waiting for Mike for at least half an hour, I finally hear my bell ringing.
“You’re late.” I tell him as long as I see him smiling behind my door.
He giggles. “Sorry, I had to wash my hair.”
“How do you even still have hair on your head?” I ask while chuckling. “Like seriously, you had blue hair two weeks ago, and now it’s fucking purple again. How do you do that?”
“Good question, actually.” he says, while sticking his tongue out.
“So,” he starts saying while looking around. “What did you want to show me?” he asks.
“Oh, right.” I nod. “Let’s take a walk first.”
“Why?” he questions.
“You’ll see.” I reply and push him to go out of my apartment, with me.
“You confuse me.” he chuckles.
I don’t respond to him and keep walking walking next to him.
He confuses me, too. My feelings confuse me.
“Where are we going, Ashton?” he asks and my head raises up at the sound of my name.
“Stop being so impatient for one second, Mike. We’ll get there before we even finish this conversation.” I say.
“Yeah, I hope so.” Mike mumbles and reaches for my hand.
When I feel his cold hand on mine, I feel shivers through my body and take my hand back. I can feel Mike’s glare looking at my face.
“We’re almost there.” I stutter under my breath, while breaking the ice.
I start walking faster and open the big gates of the orphanage, while Mike stays behind me silently.
“Is this –?”
“Yes,” I reply before he even gets to finish his question. “I thought that it would be a good idea to meet some of my old friends. If you want that too, of course.” I say and look at his eyes.
He slightly nods. “Sure. I’d like to meet them. But, –“
“But what?” I ask.
“How are you going to introduce me as?” he asks as I ring the bell.
“As my best friend, of course.” I reply with a smile. Mike smiles back, but I’m sure something bothers him.
I raise my hand to rub his cheek with my finger. “Hey, we can –“
“Ashton?” I hear Mrs Stephanie say surprised.
I put my hand away from his, and shake it with hers. “Hello, Mrs Stephanie. I was wondering if we could come and say hi.” I say, trying my best not to sound nervous for what she just saw.
“Of course Ashton. You’re always welcome here. Who’s the boy with you?” she asks while looking at Mike.
“I’m Michael Sky.” he answers before I do.
“He’s my friend.” I add.
“Of course,” Mike whispers, just for me to hear.
I don’t know what he’s thinking about. I don’t know why is it hard for me to tell the truth. I don’t feel ready yet, and I hope he’ll understand.
We both step in, and follow Mrs Stephanie.
“Kids have really missed you. Especially Matthew. How things are going now?” she asks.
“A lot better.” I say.
Suddenly, quick steps can be heard from another room until I see Matty opening a door and running to me with a huge smile on his lips.
I get down on my knees and give him a warm hug, as he hugs me tightly. “Hey, I missed you. I thought you would come earlier.” he says.
“Yeah, I know. But, I was kinda busy these weeks.” I say.
“I’ll leave you guys alone.” Mrs Stephanie says while getting out of the room.
“Hey Matty, you haven’t met Mike, yet. He’s a great guy. My best friend.” I say while looking up at Mike.
“Nice to meet you, kid.” he says, and then he takes him up in his arms and flies him up and down. Matty seems to really enjoy it. He laughs hysterically.
I could never imagine Mike being so amazing with children.
When he puts him down, Mike looks at me with a wonderful smile. I never actually appreciated the fact that his smile is just so, lovely.
Wow.
“Hey, where’s Grace? I haven’t heard her.” I ask.
“Oh, you don’t know?” Matty asks making me nervous.
“Know what? What happened?” I ask.
“She left. They adopted her.” he replies.
“Oh, that’s amazing actually.” I say relieved. I actually thought of something horrible. “But, I just wish I could tell her goodbye.”
“Oh don’t worry. Wait a minute.” Matty says and leaves the room.
“He’s a good kid.” Mike says. “It’s actually really nice here.”
“Yes. It really is.” I agree.
Then, Matty enters again with a small box on his hands.
“She gave me this for you.” he says and hands it to me.
As I open it, I see a necklace with a small cross.
“Hey, that was mine. I had forgotten about that.” I say. I find a piece of paper inside the box and unfold it.
‘thanks for always keeping me safe. now you should keep it, to keep you safe’
Before I even realize it, my eyes are watery. I stand up and put the necklace inside my pocket. I can recall the time when I gave it to Grace three years ago because she couldn’t sleep at night. It made her braver.
“I hope we can see her again.” I say, and Matty nods.
“She really admires you. She was always talking about you.” he says. I really have no words. This girl means everything to me.
Another kid enters the room. “Ashton? Hey.” Alex says and comes to give me a hug.
“Hello. Well look at you. You got so much taller.” I say.
“Guess I’m the older one here now.” he says with a chuckle.
“Hey, I’m Alex.” he looks at Mike.
“Mike.” he smiles.
::
The time is passing so fast, before I can realize it.
“What?” Mike asks me. Was I staring at him? Damn.
“Nothing.” I say as I shake my head. “Sorry.”
“We have to go.” I say.
“By now?” Matty asks.
“I’m afraid yes. Ms Daria wants me to have dinner with them.” I reply.
“Alright then. It was really good to see you.” he says.
“I’ll come again, okay? And even when someone adopts you, I’ll be visiting you. I’ll visit Grace, too. I don’t think that her parents would have a problem.” I say.
“That’d be awesome,” Mike says. “I’m sure she’d really want that.”
“I wish you could meet her.” I tell him.
“Who says I can’t?” he asks with a grin.
I smile back, and start walking away. “See you soon kids.” I tell them.
“Goodbye,” Matty says. Alex just waves at our sight and then keeps looking at his comics.
We go out on the road silently. “That was a nice experience.” Mike says.
“Did you like that? Because you were really quiet in there. I hope you didn’t get bored.” I say.
“Bored? Are you kidding me? More like jealous.” he says, leaving me speechless.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“You have everything there. You might not have a family but they treat you like one, a real one. I never had something like this. You can’t imagine how much I envy that.” he says.
“I get what you mean, Mike.” I say and rub his shoulder.
“The relationship you have with that kid, it’s so strong. How many times I wished I’d have a brother. You make me feel less alone.” he says.
“Would you like to come with me for dinner?” I ask him. “I don’t think Ms Daria or Mr Roger would have a problem.”
Mike gives me a soft smile. “That’d be nice. Thanks.” he says.
::
When we finally reach their house, Ms Daria is the one who opens the door for us. Always with her big smile.
“Hey,” I say. “You remember Mike, right?”
“Of course I do.” she says and gives him a genuine smile.
Mike seems nervous as he steps in. “I hope I don’t bother you. I mean, I hate to come uninvited.” he says.
“I told him to come, it’s not a big deal, right?” I say.
“Not at all. Mike, you should know that Ashton has strong feelings about you.” she says.
And with that, I guess my cheeks must be on fire. I don’t think I’ve ever blushed like this before.
“What are you doing?” I whisper to her. I don’t know what she’s trying to do. I know that she thinks we’re just friends.
Mike chuckles a little.
“You know, Ashton here, never shuts up about you.” Mr Roger says, to make me even more red.
“Oh really?” Mike says, with a huge smirk on his lips while looking at me, but I can’t look at his eyes right now.
“I’m sure he got the point. Thanks.” I say. “Can we have some moment please?” I ask. They both nod at me and look at Mike.
I start walking and he follows me until we step in the living room and I close the door.
“Have you told them anything?” Mike asks me.
“No. They think we’re just friends.” I say.
“And we’re not, right?” he asks. “We’re more than that. Please tell me.”
I look down, trying to find the right answer. I raise my head and walk closer to him. I put my hand around his neck and look in his eyes for a moment. My other hand goes inside my pocket and reach for my necklace.
“I want you to have this.” I say.
“No, Ashton. It’s yours. I can’t have it.” he says.
“Hey, I want you to have this,” I assure him.
I go behind him and put the necklace around his neck. “Thanks,” he says silently.
I keep being behind him and put my arms around his stomach, and rest my head on his shoulder.
My lips close to his ears, “I really want –” I start saying while giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.
“Dinner’s ready boys,” Mr Roger’s voice makes the both of us jump.
His eyes are so wide, “Oh. I thought you might be hungry, but you are busy with doing something else.” he says and leave us alone.
My mouth is dropped open. “Fuck,” I say.
“So what? They had to learn about it at some time.” Mike says.
“Yeah, but not like this.” I say.
Mike tries to hold my hand, but I step back.
“You know what?” Mike says. He sounds really annoyed. “I’m so tired of this, I don’t know what the fuck you want. I wish I knew how you really feel.” he says and leaves the room. I hear him mumbling a goodbye to Ms Daria, and leaving the house.
I just stand there like a total idiot. I get back to the other room. I can’t even face neither Mr Roger nor Ms Daria.
“I’m sorry. I’ve lost my appetite.” I say and with that, I just leave, too.
This time, I don’t chace after Mike. I just leave him go away.
Because I’m a coward. I’m afraid to admit my feelings about him.
I’m afraid to tell him that I’m passionately in love with him.
//
ok, i know it’s been a month. i have no excuses, what can i say, this time i’m really stressful about school, so i don’t find time to think about this fanfic.
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