Array
(
[text] =>
Daniel woke up relatively happy for no apparent reason. Daniel never woke up happy, so he was a little suspicious of himself. He sat up on his bed, completely still, for about ten minutes before getting bored and deciding he was allowed to be happy for once without being concerned about himself.
He went through his normal morning routine, making himself decent, catching himself smiling every few minutes for no reason. Whenever he caught himself, he’d frown quickly, feeling as though he shouldn’t have been happy. He was in a hospital, he had no reason to be happy. He had no reason to be smiling, so he wasn’t.
This was of course very flawed logic, but Daniel was too tired to care as the nurses led the patients down to the cafeteria for breakfast. He trudged along in the back, not bothering to find his friends. Daniel was both very happy and very tired at the same time, and was far too drained to put effort into anything at the moment.
The elated feeling lasted all through breakfast, keeping Daniel in high spirits for whatever reason. Despite trying to ignore how odd it was, Daniel couldn’t help but think about how he was hardly ever happy in the mornings, and how he was never quite this cheerful.
Daniel contributed quite a bit more to the conversion. Phoenix, CJ, and Rick all found it a bit odd since he was the quiet one. He explained to the boys his odd sense of happiness, and how rare and just weird it was.
None of the others were concerned, they simply told him it happened sometimes and he should enjoy it. He tried to follow their advice, but weighed down with a paranoid feeling that the universe was out to get him, and it was simply kissing up now so the bad things would make him fall further. The feeling was very odd when mixed with the elated feeling as well. It almost recreated that off feeling from the moments leading up to his most recent schizophrenic episode.
Daniel wondered to himself if he was going to have another one. Surely three separate medications wouldn’t be defective for him. It didn’t take Daniel long to make up his mind that it was likely it was going to happen again. He wasn’t sure if it was his paranoid side kicking in or an actual educated guess, but whatever it was he wanted to see Dr. Joseph about it.
He wasn’t allowed to leave until the meal was officially over in about seven minutes. He figured he could hold out until then. It then occurred that Dr. Joseph would be meeting with someone when they got out, and Daniel would only have to wait an additional thirty minutes. Thirty-seven and seven were two completely different periods of time, but Daniel guessed (or rather hoped) he could go both of them without an episode.
He was right about having one. Soon after the patients were released, it came on, and he simply closed his eyes and tried to shut everything out and focus on his breathing. He would not let these voices get to him. The rational part of him knew they weren’t there, but that side of Daniel was gone now and there was nothing he could do to change that.
“You’re still here?” a high pitched female’s voice asked rudely.
“Look at yourself, you pathetic mess,” another voice hissed. It was female as well, but not as high pitched as the first.
“Of course he’s a mess, were you expecting him not to be? He’s a crazy fag!” the first shrieked.
Daniel’s eyes remained closed as he lay motionless on his hard as a rock mattress. He would not let these voices hurt him, he repeated to himself over and over.
“Crazy fag!” the second echoed, laughing.
“Nobody likes crazy fags, you should just kill yourself. Remember what we told you the other day about hanging yourself? You could probably get by with it still!” the high pitched one taunted.
Daniel got up to go find Dr. Joseph, and actually got out the door this time.
“No! No! No, he’ll be no help! He’ll give you poisoned meds! You don’t want that, he’s trying to kill you! Don’t take them. Go back.”
Daniel had to obey. What if they were right? What if Dr. Joseph was trying to murder him? The idea was absurd, but Daniel couldn’t help himself as he shuffled back into his room, getting a worried look from a tech that did nothing.
Daniel sat up on his bed, listening to the voices and trying to replace the negative things they said with positive ones. Dr. Joseph told him that really helped for when his medication wasn’t doing it’s job. Daniel found that was more often than not lately, and he didn’t have the slightest clue as to why.
That trick of combating negative thoughts and taunts from the voices didn’t seem to work. The two voices were still spitting insults about how he should kill himself, yet warned him about people attempting to poison him.
“Worthless,” one of them huffed, as if disappointed.
“Pathetic,” the other chimed in with the same tone of voice.
“So, so stupid, almost took poisoned meds from his psychiatrist. What a shame.”
“Stupid fucking moron.”
“Nobody would be upset if you did take the poison and died. Nobody! Not even Jack would miss you!”
“Not even your parents!”
“Nothing would change.”
“Except for the better.”
They were right, Daniel thought. He should take those poisoned pills. He should take a lot of them. He got up once again to find Dr. Joseph, but the voices picked back up.
“No! Don’t! They’re poisoned, stupid! They’ll kill you!”
“So dumb he’s gonna take poisoned pills.”
Daniel was frustrated and angry at this point. He wanted them to go away already, and he wanted his medication to work. These voices wanted him dead, yet whenever he did make a move to carry out their wishes, he was pulled back. He finally just stormed out of the room, his mood quickly shifting from angry to frantic and panicky. What if no meds worked? What if he had to live like this forever? The idea had him all worked up, so by the time he reached Dr. Joseph’s office, he was a mess.
“Daniel, are you alright?” the man asked slowly. “You’re a few minutes early and you seem a bit distressed.”
“Voices,” Daniel said simply, as the voices that were now screaming at him continued trying to get him to leave. He couldn’t think clearly, never mind form a full coherent sentence.
“I see,” Dr. Joseph nodded, flipping through Daniel’s file and notes, finding and retrieving him new medication at god speed. The effects weren’t immediate, so Daniel repeated everything the voices were saying to him to Dr. Joseph. He wrote down everything Daniel said, a look of genuine concern on his face.
Daniel wished he wouldn’t seem so worried. Of course that was his job, but Daniel didn’t particularly like it when people were worried about him. He didn’t really know why, either. He just didn’t think it was anyone’s responsibility but his own to take care of himself.
Daniel talked more about his episode as Dr. Joseph listened intensely, taking notes every so often.
“We’re going to try some new meds then. I have no clue why these others aren’t working for you, but sometimes it takes time and experimenting to find the right ones. Perhaps a higher dosage.”
Daniel wondered if a truly qualified medical professional would really have to try this many times to get his meds right, but he kept his mouth shut. Aside from that, Dr. Joseph seemed perfectly capable. He hadn’t heard of anyone else having the same issue anyways, so he supposed it was just him.
After a few group therapy sessions (with three new people), Daniel was finally able to talk to his friends. He was especially happy about getting to see CJ and his pretty eyes. Rick noted and commented on the fact that Daniel was much more talkative today, and asked what was up. Daniel simply shrugged, changing the subject. They didn’t really need to know every time he had an episode.
The lunch period seemed rather short, but it was thoroughly enjoyed. The cafeteria was serving pizza, so everyone was in high spirits. They stayed that way until patients were filed out of the cafeteria and into whatever therapy group they had to attend next. A group of girls were practically screaming with excitement because their recreational therapy group was watching Mulan.
Nothing mildly interesting happened to Daniel in his few therapies, but he was overjoyed to see Jack visited him today. He would admit he was a little disappointed his dad didn’t see him today, but Jack was here and that was more than good enough for Daniel.
“Hey, Daniel,” Jack greeted cheerfully.
“Hi,” Daniel answered, going in for a quick 100% platonic hug, but stopping himself when he remembered no physical contact was allowed.
“Man, it seems like forever since I got to see you last,” Jack commented, glancing around the room.
“It really does,” Daniel agreed, laughing.
“I’m just gonna warn you I’m gonna be like your own personal leech when you get out of here. You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon,” Jack joined in his friend’s laughter.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, my friend.”
Both boys’ attention was caught momentarily as someone’s father showed up who apparently wasn’t around much, as the kid started crying and hugging. The tech didn’t say anything, surprisingly.
“Y’know my mom visited yesterday, my dad never showed. I’d hate to not get to see him enough while I’m in here. Just seems like he never wants to visit that much and is now trying to get out of it.”
“That’s awful, I’m sorry,” Jack sympathized.
“It’s not your fault,” Daniel dismissed with a shrug. “I managed to forget when we get out of school, is it today?”
“Yeah, actually,” Jack said with a grin.
“So our first Warped date is… two weeks?”
Jack nodded to confirm. “I really hope you’re out by then.”
“I will be, for sure. I’ve already been here nearly a week, they’re not gonna keep me three.”
“Let’s hope,” Jack laughed.
Daniel remembered his episode, and debated bringing it up. Jack would have really wanted him to, but he had other things to worry about besides his friend in a mental hospital. He decided to keep it to himself. Jack didn’t need to worry about him.
The hour that Daniel got to spend with Jack was great, even though it seemed to only last five minutes. That was alright, though. Daniel would be content even if it was just five minutes.
After Jack left, nothing eventful happened. It was the same monotonous routine every day. Daniel hoped that he was right, and that he would be leaving soon. He didn’t hate it here like he thought he would, it was just so unexciting. He didn’t need a new adventure every day, but he wasn’t particularly fond of the same thing every day.
At the end of the day he was more tired than usual, so he was glad to be able to lay down and go to sleep, even if his mattress resembled a stone slab.
[text_hash] => 24a3ce38
)