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TW, suicidal content
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Daniel was quite honestly getting really tired of his mood swings. He guessed it was his medication acting up. The one Dr. Joseph had most recently prescribed to him seemed to keep his schizophrenia in check, but he could never keep his emotions completely straight when he was on them. Today he found he was oddly very suicidal.
This concerned Daniel a bit. It wasn’t that he necessarily wanted to die, it was simply he was thinking about how it wouldn’t be all that awful to die. Thinking of this only led Daniel down a darker path to a darker mindset. Maybe it would be good… “Not maybe, it would be good if I could die,” Daniel thought. It could only get worse from there. It did only get worse. By the time breakfast was over (where he was completely unnoticeably mute) he was about ready to follow the advice of the voices he’d been hearing and hang himself in the common room on the light fixture.
Part of him knew that was a ridiculous idea that he’d never actually follow, and that part kept him safely in his room, Rick popping in every now and then for whatever reason. Daniel was supposed to go to his therapy sessions, but he falsely told a nurse he wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t stop to ask if he meant physically or mentally (they were treated as equals here), she only allowed him to stay in his room aside from meals and his visit with Dr. Joseph.
Daniel couldn’t quit thinking about suicide. He couldn’t think of four people that would particularly miss him. Of course he knew Jack and his parents would miss him dearly, but surely they’d manage without him, Jack especially. He could get new friends and move on. Daniel figured he’d be nothing more than a rather distant memory to Jack within a month.
Daniel wasn’t an only child, he did have two sisters, so he knew his parents wouldn’t be completely left alone. He knew they’d still be devastated, but they wouldn’t be alone.
This was enough for Daniel, just the reassurance that he wouldn’t wreck anyone with his death, whether that actually be true or not. He slipped out of his room to go to Dr. Joseph’s office. He knew he was free at this time of day, so he could try to talk to him about something, get him to leave for a moment, and “borrow” something to overdose on.
As Daniel walked into the smallish office, he found nobody was in it. He wondered why it had been left unlocked if it was vacant. He spotted the medicine cabinet though, which contained pills and such for all the patients. Daniel attempted to open it, but it was locked and only Dr. Joseph had the key. He also knew the common room was nearly always watched closely, and there was a therapy session going on in there anyways.
Daniel sighed in frustration. He hadn’t been as committed as he thought he was to his plans, because he realized he did not want to commit suicide about ten seconds after trying to steal pills. As that thought settled in his mind, that he had tried to steal pills to overdose on, he realized what a mess he’d become. It wasn’t like today was the only day he felt this, the thoughts of suicide were always there. They were always going to be there, some days they were just quieter or louder than other days. It was those really loud days like this that sent him to the edge.
He was about to walk back to his room and just sleep all day, but just as he was leaving, Dr. Joseph walked back in.
“Oh, hey, Daniel,” he said, surprised. “Did you need to talk to me?”
“Uh, yeah, I was just looking for you,” Daniel answered slowly. It wasn’t his original intention of course, but he supposed it would be good for him. Plus, if he said he hadn’t been looking for Dr. Joseph, what excuse could he come up with for being in his office?
Dr. Joseph had Daniel take a seat, asking him to tell him what was going on. Daniel hesitated. Every time he’d seen a therapist or counselor, he left out telling them about his suicidal thoughts. Daniel had been told if he was planning on harming himself or another, they’d have to tell his parents. He’d left out everything of that nature just to be careful, out of fear of ending up exactly where he was sitting.
Daniel supposed that the worst that could happen now was being put in the ICU, or the intensive care unit, but it was unlikely. Still, he didn’t want to take his chances.
“I’ve just been feeling a bit depressed,” Daniel lied. Truth be told he wasn’t depressed at all, just suicidal. It was odd, but it was true.
Dr. Joseph carried on talking to him about his depressed feelings, Daniel excusing himself and thanking the man no more than ten minutes later.
Daniel slipped out of his psychiatrist’s office, heading towards the common room. He figured a group therapy session wouldn’t do any harm. He’d skipped out on his first several of the day, and the one he was walking into now had luckily just started. He took a seat next to CJ, Rick to his left, occupied by speaking to Phoenix.
“Where have you been all day?” CJ questioned, keeping his voice low as to not be heard by the social worker.
“Not been feeling well,” Daniel shrugged, not turning to face him.
CJ gave him a concerned look but didn’t say anything.
After the therapy session, the patients were led down to the cafeteria and fed dinner. CJ, Rick, and Phoenix were talking about something excitedly that Daniel paid no mind to. He was far to preoccupied by his own fatigue. He was the type of person who was either very tired or not at all tired, and at the moment he was leaning towards being very tired. CJ said something to him, trying to get him to participate in the conversation, but he informed the taller boy that he still wasn’t feeling great. CJ gave him another concerned look, but yet again didn’t say anything on the subject. He instead turned back to Rick and Phoenix to discuss whatever they were before. Daniel assumed it was about the large group getting out at the same time.
Daniel really did appreciate CJ’s concern, and simply added that to the growing list of reasons why he couldn’t get him out of his mind. He absolutely adored CJ, and to be completely honest he hoped they’d keep CJ here until they let him out so they’d be out together. He didn’t want to be stuck in here where he couldn’t talk to him. Before long, Daniel’s thoughts were cut short as the meal ended.
At this point, Daniel was far more tired and energy deprived than suicidal (or even depressed). He could barely stay awake for the therapy session. He wasn’t sure why he was like this, but he assumed it was his meds acting up. But he never mentioned that theory to Dr. Joseph, because he didn’t want to switch meds again. Being tired and having weird emotions certainly beat schizophrenic episodes.
Before Daniel could go to sleep for twelve hours straight, he was to see someone who’d come to visit him. He guessed it would be Jack, and he’d probably be able to have him leave a little earlier than normal. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him, he was just so drained he couldn’t stay awake for anything. He was sure Jack would understand.
However, to Daniel’s surprise, his dad was the one who showed up to see him, patiently sitting at the table, hands folded in his lap. He made eye contact with Daniel, who had mixed emotions.
Daniel hadn’t seen his dad in four days. It really wasn’t that much time, but he’d only been in here about a week anyways. Plus, his dad had the time to visit. He simply didn’t, and that stung to Daniel like one thousand paper cuts doused in lemon juice.
“Hi Dad,” he said sheepishly, sitting down across from his father.
“Hi, Daniel,” the older man smiled back. “I’m sorry I haven’t been coming to visit you, I’ve been sick.”
Daniel noted that wasn’t what his mom had said days before, but said nothing of it. He was here now, and that’s all that mattered to Daniel.
“I’m glad you’ve showed up now,” Daniel smiled, trying to stay awake enough to make it look like he wasn’t disinterested.
“How’ve you been? Do you think you’re getting better?” his dad asked him.
“I’m fine. They’ve been having some trouble with finding the right medication for me, because apparently a lot of it doesn’t work. I’ll still be having episodes and all. I think they’ve got it now though, so that’s good,” Daniel answered.
“Your mother and I have missed you,” his dad commented. “Do you know when you’ll be released?”
“No,” Daniel answered, shaking his head.
Daniel and his dad carried on the conversation, his dad luckily leaving a tad early so Daniel could flop down on his bed and take a much appreciated two hour nap. Outside his room was oddly noisy, but he was tired enough to tune it out.
He woke up a bit later to Rick nudging him awake, telling him to join him, CJ, and Phoenix in the common room. He followed reluctantly, only half awake.
“Hey, Dani,” CJ greeted, smiling widely. “We missed you tonight.”
“Yeah, sorry. I was sleeping,” Daniel replied with a small smile.
“You missed the party, sleepyhead!” Phoenix exclaimed.
“How tragic,” Daniel said sarcastically, not bothering to ask about the party. Besides, the closest to a party anyone could have in here was getting everyone in one room and putting on relatively quiet music, so Daniel doubted it was much of a party anyways.
CJ snickered at Daniel’s sarcasm, and Daniel took the moment to appreciate his laugh. He decided that CJ had the best laugh in the world, and it would take something incredible to convince him otherwise. He was infatuated with the way CJ’s eyes lit up whenever he laughed, even when it was only a small chuckle. Caleb Johnson was simply a work of art, and Daniel felt like nothing more than a child’s finger painting next to him. Of course Daniel was his own work of art that CJ would come to appreciate, but he didn’t quite see that in himself on his own.
“I heard that since several people are leaving tomorrow, we’re getting a bunch more in. I dunno though,” Phoenix chimed in, ever the one for gossip.
“So many people are always so sad when they first come here. It’s kinda unsettling to see that much depression at once,” CJ commented.
Rick nodded in agreement. “Yeah. If I were staying, I’d hate to see all that.”
“You’re leaving?” Daniel asked, disappointment lacing his voice.
“Yeah, sorry dude.”
Daniel frowned, not particularly happy with the fact that his friend would be leaving him.
“If you give me your number tomorrow, I’ll be sure to text you,” Rick said brightly, trying to cheer Daniel up a bit.
“I will,” he answered with a small smile.
After a while longer, Daniel was sent back to his room, Rick at his side. He couldn’t get any rest due to napping earlier, so he stared at the ceiling and thought about his friends. He knew Rick would be leaving him, which he was already upset about. He was sure Phoenix would be leaving as well. He hardly needed to be here in the first place. Daniel had no clue about CJ.
Daniel knew CJ had gotten a lot better, but he also knew that he was still having bad thoughts frequently enough to possibly keep him in here. Nothing was definite, and Daniel didn’t particularly like that. He supposed he would know soon enough, but he wasn’t the most patient person. Eventually, he did drift off, his last thoughts being prayers that CJ would stay here for Daniel’s own selfish needs.
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