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Daniel woke up 45 minutes early, which displeased him greatly. It wasn’t enough time to go back to sleep, but it was too much time to just lay there and let his thoughts take over.
He did make an effort to go back to sleep, but that failed. It seemed as though it had only been five minutes before they he and Rick were being woken up.
Down at breakfast, Daniel was far more tired than usual, and CJ noticed.
“Didn’t sleep well last night?” he asked.
“I slept fine but I woke up way too early and couldn’t get back to sleep,” he complained.
“Oh, yeah. That’s happened to me tons. Sorry man,” CJ sympathized.
Daniel shrugged it off, moving on. “Do you have any summer plans?” he asked, hoping to maybe meet up with him when they were out of here.
“Warped Tour,” CJ smiled widely.
“Yeah, same. I’m going with my friend Jack, we go to every California show every year,” Daniel beamed.
“Then I hope you get out soon, the Cali dates are up first.”
“Yeah, I know. It would suck if I had to miss out.”
“Here’s to hoping you don’t, then,” CJ laughed.
“What’s Warped?” Phoenix asked, silent for the first part of the conversion for once.
“Summer music fest,” CJ answered him. “Rumor has it Good Charlotte is going this year.”
“Really? Dude, that’s awesome!” Daniel exclaimed. They weren’t his favorite band of all time, but they were up there and they put on a damn good show.
“I saw them a couple of years back,” Phoenix chimed in again. “One of them fell off the stage.”
“Oh, wow really?” CJ laughed.
“Yeah, he was up front and trying to look cool but he tripped. I think he nearly broke his guitar, they had to get him a new one. He wasn’t hurt though.”
CJ shook his head, still laughing. Daniel just sat quietly, appreciating CJ and his very nice smile.
The conversation carried on, changing subjects every so often before breakfast was over and the patients were evacuated from the cafeteria.
Daniel was left alone with his thoughts, where he realized he had a crush on CJ. It dawned upon him that he liked him far too much for it to be platonic. Just a friend wouldn’t notice and completely love his smile that could end a war, or the way his eyes lit up when he got excited, or the way he looked down and played with the hem of his shirt when he was uncomfortable or nervous. The realization hit Daniel hard and fast, and he was mostly okay with it. He wasn’t going to close himself off from his emotions anymore. He only got hurt that way, and he was done with that.
He allowed himself to think about CJ more and how he was dealing with this sudden realization. He didn’t want to like anybody, because that just got him hurt. And as much as he didn’t want to, he also really did want to shut off his feelings and pretend they weren’t there. That would be easier. So much easier. He’d stay safe and sound, as well.
At the same time, he really wanted something with CJ. He wanted a relationship, he just was so terrified of getting hurt he wasn’t really letting himself admit it.
After a while of arguing with himself over how to deal with this, he just gave up and decided to think about CJ and simply appreciate his existence. Daniel thought about how mesmerizing his eyes were, and how contagious his laugh was. He thought about how his lip piercing probably felt really nice against his own lips, and about how funny he was. Daniel knew he fell fast and hard, but it didn’t matter. None of it did. Besides, it wasn’t like Daniel loved him. He simply had a crush on him that wasn’t the most lighthearted. He would get over it, and everything would be okay again as long as Daniel didn’t act on the crush, which should have been simple enough.
Daniel was taken away from his thoughts, as it was time to talk to Dr. Joseph. Daniel trusted him enough, so he figured he could confide in him and ask him what he was supposed to do, because honestly he was conflicted as all fuck.
He walked down to his office slowly, trying to figure out how he could ask for advice without saying or giving away that he was romantically interested in a patient. Chances are, relations between patients would be prohibited. Daniel didn’t want to risk Dr. Joseph giving him a lecture and then having a tech “discreetly” keep an eye on him to make sure they weren’t doing anything.
Eventually, he was in front of the thin smiling man, still unsure of what to say. Dr. Joseph ran the usual questions by Daniel, checking that his mental health wasn’t about to kill him. They also went through a brief conversation regarding Daniel’s episode the day before, where he was asked to give a bit more detail on it and exactly what he felt at the time now that his mind was clear.
“Alright then. Anything else you wanted to discuss?” Dr. Joseph asked him once he was done.
“Yes, actually,” Daniel began, unsure. “I’m just, I don’t know, conflicted, I suppose. I think I’m…” he paused to try to word this correctly, “I’m feeling one way, but I don’t necessarily want to- yet I do at the same time- and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I don’t really know how much sense I’m making.”
“Well, you know you can’t control how you feel. Why don’t you want to feel this way?”
“Fear of negative outcomes,” Daniel answered, trying to remain as vague as possible.
“And that’s the only reason?” Daniel nodded. “Well then that’s no reason to be conflicted when it comes down to it. There’s always going to be risks in life. You can’t escape them, and sometimes it’s better to take them. You mentioned you do want to feel this way as well, yes? Focus on that. If you focus on this fear of something bad happening, you’ll never get anything and you’ll always be fighting yourself. Do you understand?”
Daniel nodded again, smiling a bit. “Yes.”
“Good. Anything else?”
Daniel shook his head and left, muttering a “Thank you.”
He left to talk to CJ, determined to confess. He didn’t know how much longer either one would be in here, so he didn’t want to miss his opportunity.
Upon approaching the taller boy though, Daniel backed out of his plans. He could tell him all about his stupid emotions later. CJ had already noticed him though, so he couldn’t leave. He was fine with talking to him anyways though, so all was well.
“Hey, Ceej,” Daniel smiled, surprising himself by going as far as to make a nickname for him.
CJ didn’t say anything about it. “Hi, Daniel,” he said, smiling. God, that smile would just be the death of Daniel.
“Did you see we got a new guy today our age?”
“Yeah, I think his name’s Alex. He’s in here for severe anxiety,” CJ answered. “Only new guy we’ve gotten in a few days, that’s weird.”
“Yeah, it is.”
The two talked a bit more, Daniel oddly nervous the whole time, before it they had a series of therapies they were to attend. They talked through those as well, but they got scolded by nurses several times. It only made them laugh, annoying the nurses further on.
Before long it was visiting hour, and everyone got all happy to see their families and friends. Daniel’s mother came, although she was a couple of minutes late.
“Hi, sweetie,” she smiled, hugging him tightly.
“Hi, Mom,” he answered awkwardly, his gaze fixed on the tech glaring at them from across the room for making physical contact. The no touching rule was strict here, they didn’t even allow parents to hug their kids.
Daniel brushed it off and sat at the table across from his mom, smiling weakly.
“Where’s Dad?” he asked her.
“Stuck in a meeting,” she replied sadly. “He told me he really wanted to come but he might have gotten fired if he didn’t go.”
“That’s fine, he can come see me tomorrow,” Daniel shrugged.
“It’s been a couple of days, how are you?”
“I’m doing well. I had a really bad episode yesterday, but my psychiatrist is working on getting me new meds. I’m alright now,” he replied, trying to make his episode not seem like a big deal.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” his mother mumbled sadly.
“Not your fault,” Daniel answered calmly.
She shook her head, changing the subject. “Jack told some sort of end of the year party is coming up, I didn’t even realize. Any lucky girl you’d like to take?”
“Actually, I, uh…” Daniel backed out of his idea of coming out now, figuring he’d tell her later. “No. Not really, no.”
“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” she smiled sweetly.
“If I get out in time,” Daniel huffed. “They keep extending my release date. I don’t know why, I’m doing fine aside from… you know, yesterday.”
His mom frowned. “Well I hope you get out soon. We miss having you at home.”
“Yeah, I miss being home. I don’t hate it here like I thought I would but I still don’t particularly like it here.”
The two were able to talk a while longer before visitors were moved out, patients taken back into their therapies and such.
Daniel was left alone with his thoughts once again. Some of them about CJ, some about being homesick, some about whatever various things crossed his mind at once. He never could quite organize his thoughts, but that was okay. It was what he called organized chaos. Nobody else would understand his complex and jumbled thoughts, but he understood them perfectly. Really, if he ever were to organize them they’d probably just confuse him. He liked chaotic things anyways.
His thoughts drifted over to CJ, just simply appreciating his existence and his pretty eyes that Daniel could look at forever. Never one to stay on a subject long, Daniel’s mind bounced over to home. He missed his mother’s home cooked meals and sleeping in his own bed that didn’t give him back and neck pains. He missed his dog, Elvis, as well. He was a little worried now, because his parents were never that great at remembering to care for him whenever Daniel wasn’t there.
His mind raced at top speeds, staying on a subject for no longer than five seconds. He didn’t know why he was so unfocused, but it never caused him too many troubles somehow so he accepted it and never got upset with it anymore.
Eventually, as the day winded down, so did Daniel, falling asleep to the thought of going home.
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