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(A/N. Should I do Blake’s p.o.v? Like in the near future or next chapter?. Maybe go back to when they were all together and show what he thinks about Isaac and such?. Comment and tell me maybe. Also so people know Cameron gets a little “depressed” in this chapter sooo I put a warning up.)
-Trigger warning-
Cameron’s p.o.v
I didn’t really sleep much last night. I only got about and hour of sleep. I wanted to talk to someone but it’s like 4 in the morning no ones probably ganna be up.
Isaac usually sleeps long Blake he has a schedule he follows and somehow he does it perfectly. He perfect can my best friend be? Like in every freaking way he’s perfect….every way…. Unlike me.
He has the smile the laugh the good looks good personality. Everything about that boy is perfect. Why the hell does he hangout with me? I’m no where near perfect. I’m ugly fat and I barely talk. From what people say I’m a depressed freak that doesn’t deserve a friend like Blake.
I mean I really don’t deserve a friend like him. He’s the world’s greatest person and I don’t deserve to be his friend. I don’t deserve anything actually. I mean because probably these marks I so overly love to do to myself. Heh. It was an addiction I don’t want it I need it. It was always something I’ve hid from people. No one knows what I do to myself besides Isaac apparently. I never really show my arms I always have a jacket on.
But I totally forgot the day I brought Isaac home because I never bring someone to my house so it’s a daily thing to take my jacket off once I get home. But my arms aren’t the worst part of me. I have the marks everywhere most on my legs.
The pain. It makes me feel numb and it’s a punishment for being worthless…I need it. I’m just a depressed freak. I’m worth nothing. I’m worthless annoying ugly fat unattractive stupid…I don’t deserve anyone to be friends with. I dont deserve these to perfect people…I need a shower.
I was crying my eyes out at 4 in the morning it was another day to day thing as well. Over think pain clean up. I grab my cloths and my blade from my room and walked to the bathroom.
I sat in the bath looking at the metal piece that was between my fingers. Why don’t I just cut my wrist open?
‘Bleed out. No one would care Cameron’.
‘No one’.
‘You mean nothing your worthless.’
‘A piece of shit’.
One cut.
‘You’re Nothing.’
Two.
‘Fat.’
Three four.
‘Ugly.’
Five six.
‘Stupid.’
Seven Ten fourteen.
‘Freak.’
Fifteen Twenty Thirty Four.
I started to become dizzy a little bit. Lost of blood made me that way. I was numb and the pain felt good. I deserve this. The one and only thing I will ever deserve. I layed in the bath for about an hour.
Once I got out I patched myself up. It was somewhere around 5 or 6 in the morning. My mother wasn’t home so I could do whatever I wanted to. Till she came home. I haven’t been home not once okay maybe a few times but she wasn’t home when I came here to get some cloths.
Blake suggested that I should just go and stay at home instead of avoiding my mother and sneaking around. He really hates when my mother hurts me. Why? I’m a worthless Transgender child. She hates me for it. I deserve every beating she give me don’t I? She thinks if she hurts me enough she’ll beat it out of me. It’s not a choice to be transgender. Its not that simple. If it were to be a choice I would probably not be trans. It would make my life a whole lot better then it is now.
The day I told my family that I was transgender my sister grabbed all her things and left never spoke to me again. My older brother never really much cared. My dad left the house and he comes home every so often from his job every time he’s home I’m not aloud to be home. My mother flipped out latterly. She kicked me out.
I stayed at Blake’s then. But she soon got scared that she maybe would get put in jail for throwing a 14 year old out on the streets so she basically dragged me back to the house. I hated myself for taring my family apart. My grandparents haven’t even talked to my parents since the day I told them.
“I don’t ever want to hear from you or the freak of nature kid of yours ever again. Lose my number”
is all they said to my mother. What was my gender have to do with anything? Seriously! I need to clear my mind. What time is it? I looked at what time it was on my phone finding a message.
Forest-Okay goodnight best fry. I love you too.
Heh. It’s funny how we call each other best fry like me and Blake. I love having him as a friend he’s amazing. But yet I don’t deserve him as a friend… eh.
I’ll wait this out. See how long it takes him to realize that I’m not worth his time and such. He’ll figure this out. Blake will too. They’ll see what my parents an my family and what everyone else sees. They don’t need me. They can become best friends and have the best memories. I’m just holding them back from everything. I’m not worth their time. Sigh. I need some comfort…
Wonder where Blake is.. where’s my laptop. So I went to go and get meh laptop that’s probably under my bed. Hmm…Nope not there. Maybe my bookbag?.. nope…Wait nvm it’s in my bathroom. What the hell. Whatever.
CaMeRoN xP- Aye…
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Come over. I’m home. Its only me.
It’s so awesome how he knows when I need someone. I love him so much. He’s the best person ever.
CaMeRoN xP- Okay..
Blakisbetterthenyou- If you don’t get here in five mins. Ima be coming over to your house. And you know how I am with that. I love ya see ya when you get here.
CaMeRoN xP- heh.
It took about three mins to get everything and to walk over to his house. He was standing into the doorway once he noticed I was there he ran up to me an hugged me.
His hugs are always soft and warm and I always feel so safe around him. But how long will it be till he leaves me like everyone else and I won’t have his hugs anymore. How long with it be till he sees what I see in myself. He’ll leave one day..I need to not be so attached to him. Why did I let myself be so attached to my best friend?.
“Cameron..”
at the point I was apparently crying a little without noticing till he started wiping the tears away. I looked up at him he looked so perfect. Why can’t I be that perfect?.
“Stop thinking Cameron. What’s up?”
I wanted to tell him everything but..I would be exposing myself to him. He may know a lot of my life but..I don’t want to put this all on him when he has his own problems. I don’t want to make him even more stressed.
“Cameron!” Shit…He yelled..
“Shit Cameron I didn’t mean to yell. Just your so zoned out and I’m scared..” oh..I was zoned out I didn’t notice that.
“i-i-it’s fine.”
“What’s wrong Cameron”
we were still hugging at this point. Are foreheads were touch and I was looking at his eyes. We always seem to do this a lot when I got upset.
Somehow his beautiful hazel eyes always calmed me down and his smile. We just stood in his driveway hugging for about five mins.
“Okay Cameron you better?”
“Yes I am. Thanks..”
“Your welcome. And thanks also.”
“What?”
“Nothing don’t worry about it. Lets do inside.”
We walked inside. And holy hell it was hot. I’m freaking overheating like Hell. Shit.
“Its hot as hell in here. How are you wearing that jacket. Take it off.” Uh…Oh God…I’m scared…ah…I’m shaking now shit shit shit shit…
“Cameron you okay?”
At this point I was putting myself in to a panic attack. I back myself up against a wall and slided down it where I was sitting holding my legs trying to breath. Blake ran over to he to help.
“Shit Cam your like burning up. Did I say something wrong. Did I do something?” He sounded scared yet concerned.
No Blake It isn’t your fault it’s mine. Its always mine…I couldn’t talk I was breathing heavily and shaking. Why do I get these. They’re so stupid. It toke me about 10 mins to get myself to calm down. I didn’t want to explain anything to Blake at the time. So I just went home…I’m sorry Blake.. don’t be worried about me I’m not worth your time.
Isaacs p.o.v
So today was boring. I had to watch Dash all day because my mother and father wanted “girls day” with all the girls that were of age.
They tried to get Plam to go but yet she said no. I spent all day in Plam’s room with her and Dash. It was actually sorta cool. We watched some crap on the tv while dash was sleeping cuddled up against Plam so adorable I had to take a picture of them.
I wish I could cuddle Cameron again Gosh I love being near him so much. He makes me feel as loved and hyper and shit. I don’t know why I’m so in love with him. Everything about that kid I love. He’s just so perfect in so many ways. I want him. I need him. Man. I’m into this to much.
Plam thinks it’s adorable how much I’m in love with him. But she keeps telling me to not get so overly attached to the kid. I can’t help what I feel so someone. I don’t know how to stop myself from getting attached from someone. I’ve never got attached to someone before besides Plam in a sistery way. Other then that I thought I was asexual person.
Because I’ve never dated anyone or thought about anyone in a romantic or sexual way. So this is so new to me in many different ways. Plam thinks it’s funny because I’m so confused. I’m sorry I don’t understand this shit. Its really freaking confusing to me. I mean understand some of it cause Plam explained some of it to me and I have the internet.
But this has ever happened to me so I’m confused and a little weirded out on this stuff. I don’t know. Maybe I do maybe I don’t? Its just really hard to comprehend this crap.
“Berrr. herrr.” Awh. Plams talking her sleep that’s so adorable lol.
Wonder what’s she dreaming of.
“Beep. Beep”
Oh hey someone texted me. I hope it’s Cameron! Crap I’m blushing again. Welp it’s not Cameron.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Isaac.
Mr.SirIsaac- Yes Blake.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Have you heard from Cam today?
Mr.SirIsaac- Nope. Why?
Blakeisbetterthenyou- He came over today crying and zoning out. Like he usually does when he’s left alone and can over think. And once we go in my house it was hot as Shit so I told him that he should take his jacket off. He flipped out apparently and had a panic attack. Then left…
Mr.SirIsaac- Has he done that before?..
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Nope. And I haven’t actually seen him without a jacket on either…Have you?.
Mr.SirIsaac- Yeah actually I have.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Is there…um Anything on him?.
Mr.SirIsaac- As in?
Blakeisbetterthenyou- How do I put it…Uh. Like as in Self harm. Maybe?.
Mr.SirIsaac- You really haven’t seen him with a jacket on.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Okay. Now your worrying me…
Mr.SirIsaac- How long has it been since he hasn’t token off his jacket?
I don’t know wither to tell him what I seen or don’t. I mean he is his best friend and they have been friends forever now. Why didn’t Cameron tell Blake yet? Is he scared to…Maybe I shouldn’t say anything to him on what I seen…
“beep beep”
Who else is trying to get a hold of me oh YAY.
CaMeRoN xP- …Forest…
Mr.SirIsaac- Yes Cam?
CaMeRoN xP- Don’t tell Blake about my arms…please don’t…he doesn’t know and I don’t want him to..
Mr.SirIsaac- Why?.. Why don’t you tell him he’s your best friend…
CaMeRoN xP- because it’s…Its not something I don’t want him to worry about he already worries about me enough…I don’t want him to be all up my ass about it and shit. Just don’t. Please I’m begging you Isaac Red..
Mr.SirIsaac- Okay Okay..I’ll keep it a secret from him as best as I can. And wow you used my last name. Also if he knew the only reason he would worry is because he cares about you a lot. Be happy about that. You have someone who cares about you more then anything. He’s overprotective of you and he make a sure your okay. He’s worried he did something to you today. He’s been talking to me about how worried he was.
CaMeRoN xP- He worries to much about me. I’m not worth his time. I wish he would just stop worrying so much about me. I’m nothing!…
Mr.SirIsaac- Cameron your not nothing.
CaMeRoN xP- Gotta go. Bye…
Mr.SirIsaac- Cameron…
Cameron Vince is off line.
Well shit. Now I have to keep the secret from Blake. Also need to talk to Cameron about his self harm and that stuff. Hopefully he’ll tell me why he does it. This was the first time he’s brought it up in days. And he’s never actually said anything about himself in a good way. I need to understand a little more about him if I can. I should go look what Blake texted me.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Is there something I should know? I’m becoming worried. Shit. I must’ve done something wrong. Shit Shit Shit FUCK this duck outside in the lake.
Mr.SirIsaac- No. Its just he wears a lot a bracelets. Nothing worth worrying about. Also what about a duck? You stalking the ducks again. There not being runned by the government.
Blakisbetterthenyou- Shush. They are and I’ll prove it one day I sure will. I WILL ISAAC IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO. Also…You sure about Cam…I’m like really worried…
Shit… don’t want to lie to him. But I can’t do something Cameron said not to. Crap. I can’t keep lying to him..
Mr.SirIsaac- Sure you will Blake. You’ll prove it the day unicorns are found. And yeah it’s good. But gotta go.
Blakeisbetterthenyou- Your mean. But whatever bro. Ttyl bye.
Blake Anderson is off line.
Okay…Good now I don’t have to keep lying to him. Hopefully Cameron tells him tho. I don’t want him to keep something like this from him. In the end I think we’re all just ganna get hurt in a way from this. Shit.
I need to stop thinking. Hmm what time is it. 11:35 it’s a good enough time to go to sleep.
I got up and locked the door so no one could come in then I cuddle up against dash. It was Plam on by the window side dash in the middle and my by the other end closest to the door. Is was actually really comfortable. This is probably the first time I have ever slept in the same bed as Plam since the incident that happened.
She became distance from everyone specially me. It hurt. So ima take advantage of this as I can. Faling asleep wasn’t hard. I fell asleep about 5 mins later…
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