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I kept my head on Nico’s chest until my tears stopped falling. I would have leaned on his shoulder instead if he wasn’t too tall for me. I cried for a while, not because I was sad, but because I was really happy that Nico was worried about me.
Ending my life never crossed my mind. I knew that it was easy to misunderstand the situation since I was underwater for over a minute, but it was normal to me. Since I was young, I swam on the lake everyday – my Mom would always say that I learn to swim even before I know how to walk – and so I discovered at very young age that somehow I could stay underwater for a long period of time. I can hold my breath underwater longer than anybody else I know.
The atmosphere was just too tense and serious that moment that I couldn’t bring myself to tell Nico the truth. I knew that if I told him that I wasn’t really trying to kill myself, then he would feel embarrassed about his actions and things would be awkward between us for a while. Plus, I didn’t know how to explain to him why I cried. It’s not like I can tell him that I cried because I felt happy about him worrying without making things weird between us. I mean, if I said that, then he might guess my true feelings for him.
“I’m sorry… and thanks…” I said moved my head away from Nico’s chest.
“No… it’s nothing…” He said as he slowly removed his arm from my waist. When Nico removed his touch from my waist, I felt a burning sensation. The spots he touched felt really hot, it was like my body was craving for his touch once again.
“How lame… I just met you yesterday, and here I am at your pool crying…” I chuckled awkwardly as I ruffled my own hair. “I saw my Dad today…” I told him. Nico wasn’t asking questions, he didn’t force me to say why I was acting that way. He was simply there, listening to me, watching over me. “He was with his new wife…” I chuckled again. “It’s ironic, since the reason my Mom and I moved here was to move on and forget what he did… He left us…”
“I understand… you don’t have to tell me anything…” Nico said and then placed his big hand on my head. “If talking about him would only make you sad, then you don’t have to force yourself. I don’t like seeing you sad, it doesn’t suit you. A smile looks better on your face.” Nico said and the ruffled my hair.
My heart beat faster and louder because of his actions. My cheeks felt hot and I knew I was blushing, so I did my best for him not to see my face. It would be too embarrassing for me if he saw what I look like at that moment. I was trying my best to hide the erupting smile on my face, but Nico was making it difficult.
“Drew… can you smile for me?” Nico asked.
Why is he doing this to me? Sure, he supposedly saved me from drowning in his pool, but he’s drowning me in his affection instead. My heart wouldn’t be able to take all these.
I tried to sink in the water to calm myself down, but Nico prevented me by holding the side of my shoulders firmly. “Hey, what are you doing?!” He sounded worried.
“Swimming.” I replied, quite nervously. “Don’t worry, I won’t try anything stupid.” I said and then mustered all the strength in my heart. “I feel a lot better now. I just want to enjoy the water.” I added then smiled brightly at him. My cheeks might be bright red that time, but I didn’t care.
“That’s a relief…” Nico sighed and then smiled back at me.
That night, I had the best swim I’ve ever had. Nico and I played on the water, jumping on each other’s back, pushing each other down on the water, tossing each other on the air, and even racing against each other. I also laughed a lot that night. Nico had this ability to make anything more fun than usual. It may be just because I was in love with him, or it may be a real talent of his, I’m not entirely sure though.
There was a downside though; I think I’m starting to be a pervert. When Nico took his pants off and started swimming with only his underwear on, I couldn’t stop staring at his whole body. Nico have a really sexy… I mean nice body. He was lean and not too muscular. His abs was really defined as well.
Nico seemed to be really comfortable with his own body, unlike me.
“I give up… you’re just too damn fast on water…” Nico said after our final lap. He swam towards the edge of the pool and then leaned his back on the wall, with both of his arms spread on top of the edge.
“Well…” I said with a proud smile. I went underwater – I tried my best not to look at his body, but I guess I failed – and then emerged on his side. “Claire even asked me…”
“Claire who? What did she ask you?” Nico interjected even before I can finish my sentence. Somehow, he sounded very impatient. I looked at Nico and saw his eyes were furrowed a bit, he looked a bit irritated.
“Claire Peters, the Student Body Secretary and Swim Team Manager, she’s also a sophomore you know, she was on gym class today.” I explained.
“Ahh, her… So, what did she asked you?” Nico asked in the same tone as before.
“Well, she asked me to join the swim team. She said she saw what happened at Michael’s party and all.” I replied as leaned on the wall of the pool beside Nico.
“I see…” Nico sounded a bit calmer. “Actually, I saw you that night, I was just arriving and you were already leaving. You were walking down the street all wet, and I only heard what happened from Levi after I arrived.”
“I know. I recognize your car.” I replied and then chuckled.
“Is that so?” Nico chuckled as well. “So, are you going to join the swim team?”
“No, I have no plans in joining the team.”
“Why not? You seem to love swimming a lot, and you’re really fast on water, I’m sure you’ll do great on the team.” Nico said.
“I do love swimming, but competing is just not my thing. It’s stressful and pressuring, I hate that. I just want to enjoy being in the water as much as I can without thinking about anything else. I don’t like thinking about beating my own record and instead swim at my own pace. It’s more fun that way.” I answered honestly and cheerfully.
“I see, so you like a relax lifestyle huh…” How did he know? Was it that easy to read me? I was really amazed on how easily Nico read my personality.
“Well, yeah… Besides, wearing speedos in front of many people is just too embarrassing…” I complained animatedly.
“What are you embarrassed about?” Nico asked as he looked at my body. “I honestly think that you have nothing to be embarrassed about, if anything, you can brag about your body even.” He said with a smile. Those words were enough to make me feel really embarrassed, so I turned around and leaned on the edge of the pool.
“But, if I join the swim team, then I can swim everyday…” I sighed.
“You don’t have to force yourself to join the team, if all you want is to swim every day.” Nico said. “You can just come by here anytime. I would be more than happy to lend you the pool.” I smiled after hearing those words, it really made me really happy.
I would’ve stayed in the water for longer but it was already getting late, so I decided to go home. As I was drying myself before going home, my phone rang. “Kyle! Where are you? Are you alright? Why aren’t you answering my calls?” Perry asked frantically.
“Relax, I’m fine. I was swimming so I couldn’t answer. I’m going home now, ok.” I told him calmly. Perry asked where I swam and I just told him “Later, I’ll tell you later.”
“Who?” Nico asked as he stepped closer to me. He was done drying himself of and already had his pants on, but he was still shirtless with the towel on his shoulders.
“It’s Perry.” I said as I hanged the phone. “He’s worried and he kept on nagging me.” I complained.
“Why is he worried? Are you two really that close?” Nico asked in quite an intimidating tone.
“Well, he’s the very first friend I had here, and our Mom’s are bestfriends, so we are pretty close. As to why he’s worried, well, we were together this afternoon, before you saw me.” I explained casually.
“I see… so you two are that close huh… tsk…” Hearing him talk like that kept giving me the feeling that he’s quite disappointed. “Anyway, what are you two doing together? Are you two alone?” Why is he asking all those questions? And why does he have that serious expression on his face?
“Well his friend Dion is with us too, they kind of forced me to join them on a group date…” I replied.
“Wait a minute! What did you say?! You were on group date?! Why did you join that group date?! Did you meet anyone you like?! Answer me!” Ehhh…? Why is he so angry?
“Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad right now?” I asked. I honestly had no idea why Nico was acting that way. Why did he sound so mad?
“No… I’m not mad. Not at all. Just… I’m… I’m just a bit curious and surprised… that’s all I mean, you just moved here and all, and…” Nico seemed tensed as he answered. He cleared his throat and then changed his tone to a more serious one. “So, what kind of girls did you meet?” He asked.
“I can’t remember, actually. I really wasn’t in the mood for all that and I didn’t want to be there either, so I kind of zoned out and stopped paying any attention altogether….” I explained slowly, feeling a little bit guilty for past rude behavior. “Then my Dad came in the café with that woman, so my mood changed for the worst and I left.” I explained to him as I put my shirt back on.
“I see… so that’s what happened. So you didn’t enjoy at all.” Nico’s expression brightened and he smiled at me. For some reason, he looked really glad that I didn’t get to enjoy that group date at all.
I shook my head and just chuckled at him. He sure was acting a bit odd. “Thanks for the swim. I’ll be heading home now. Mom is probably waiting for me and I definitely don’t want to get into trouble. She’s scary when she’s angry.” I chuckled.
“Do you want to have dinner first?” Nico offered with the brightest smile.
“No, it’s fine. My Mom is probably waiting for me so we could eat together.” I declined kindly with a regretful smile.
“Then, I’ll take you home.” Nico said as he put his shirt back on.
“You don’t have to. I…”
“No, I’ll take you home.” Nico said and didn’t even give me any time to reject his offer. The next thing I knew, I was on his already inside Nico’s car. After telling Nico my complete address, we drove out of the huge house that Nico calls home.
I must’ve really tired myself out that night, because on the way home I fell asleep. I had the weirdest dream. I was on the lake, but I wasn’t swimming, instead I was at the bank on the lake lying on the ground. As I was sleeping by the lake, I heard Nico call my name, “Drew…” he called gently as he emerged from the lake.
Slowly, Nico walked towards me. I raised my upper body a bit as I watched him. Then Nico kneeled just by my side before leaning closer and closer. His lips were getting closer to mine and his eyes were staring right into my soul. Even though it was just a dream, my heart was still racing frantically.
I could feel Nico’s breath.
I could almost hear his heartbeat.
It was intoxicating.
It was exciting.
Then Nico’s lips touched mine. It was very familiar sensation; his lips were soft and sweet, and every moment that would pass that our lips were touching my heart would beat faster and louder.
That kiss was magical.
That kiss was intoxicating.
But that kiss… was no more than a beautiful dream.
I can only hope that it was for real.
What made that dream so much more alluring to me was the fact that it was Nico who kissed me. If only it was true, if only Nico could see me in that way. If only Nico could love me back, then my life would be perfect.
That dream was beautiful, but at the same time it was scary. I was frightened by how much I am falling for Nico every second that we are together. I felt like I was falling downhill on a path that I could no longer turn back to. I was really afraid of that.
I am a man after all.
And loving another man was the most unthinkable thing that a man could ever do.
“Drew…” I woke up with Nico calling my name and tapping on the side of my shoulder. “We’re here.” He said.
I blushed as soon as I saw Nico’s face. I felt embarrassed and guilty for having such a dream about him. He would think that I’m perverted if he finds out that I dream of him in that kind of situation.
I looked out the window and saw our house. “It looks like my Mom has a visitor.” I said as I saw an expensive looking car just outside our house.
“Your house looks nice, it seems really cozy.” Nico said as he peered through the window with a bright smile.
“Well, it’s nowhere near the size of your house, but it’s more than enough for my Mom and me.” I said proudly as I took my seatbelt off. “Thanks for the swim, and for the ride.” I said as I stepped out of the car. “Do you want to have some coffee or tea inside?”
“That sounds great, but it seems you have an important visitor, so I’ll just visit next time.” Nico said with a smile.
“Sure, you can come anytime you want.” I said with a smile. “Thanks again for the ride. Good night, Nico.” I said and then closed the car door.
“Drew!” Nico called as he opened the window.
“What is it?” I asked as I looked back at him.
“Sweet dreams.” He said gently with a bright smile.
Those words sent an overwhelming sense of joy throughout my body, for some reason. It made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. My head spun and my face started to turn very red. I stood frozen on the road as Nico drive away with a beautiful smile.
It took me a few seconds before I regain my senses, because I was in a state of utter bliss for a while. Those simple words from Nico were enough to make me feel really happy.
I walked in the house and I heard Mom talking in the living room.
“Drew is my son, if there’s anyone who knows what’s best for him, it is me.” Mom said in a calm yet firm tone.
“Fiona, he’s already…” It was a man’s voice. He sounded very insistent.
What are they talking about? Why do they sound so serious? Why did my name come up? Did it have anything to do with me? I’m already what?
“What’s going on here? Is something wrong, Mom?” I asked as I walked in the living room. I was being protective of my Mom that time. I could feel that the atmosphere between them was very tense and I didn’t want my Mom to get hurt.
If that man was there to hurt my Mom, then I would everything in my ability to protect her. I don’t care who it is, even if it’s Dad, I would protect my Mom from anyone trying to hurt her.
“Drew…” My Mom said as she looked at me. She looked quite surprised. “Everything is fine. Can you go up to your room first? I’ll call you when dinner is ready.” Mom said in her gentle voice.
The man my Mom was talking to turned around and looked at me. He was a middle-aged man, probably just a bit older than Mom. He was a handsome man, but his facial features looked really gentle. His eyes were looking straight into mine, and somehow he felt a bit familiar. I felt like I have seen that face somewhere before.
As soon as I saw the man’s face, my apprehension diminished. There was something about that man that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Something that made me feel really comfortable and at ease towards him.
The man gave me a gentle smile. “What should I call you?” He asked. “Should I call you Drew, just like your mom?”
“No, you can’t.” I replied firmly. Hearing other people call me by that name really sends me to the edge. It simply irritates me beyond any logic. “I hate it when other people call me that. Kyle would do.” I said as I looked at him with my forehead furrowed. I was really annoyed at that moment.
“Is that so? Sorry, then I’ll just call you Kyle.” The man said.
“Kyle, go to your room now.” My Mom’s voice was calm but her eyes were very sharp. It was when she’s like that that she’s the scariest.
I had no choice but to do as what Mom says. I turned around and walked towards the stairs, but then the man called my name. “Kyle.” As I turned around, I saw the man stood up and then walk towards me. “This is for you.” He said and then handed me a locked wooden box.
“Joseph!” I was surprised when I heard my Mom’s voice; she wasn’t shouting, but her voice was loud and firm. My heart raced when I heard her angry voice echoed in the living room.
“Trust me on this, Fiona. Just this once, can’t you trust me?” The man named Joseph said in a pleading tone. I was already upstairs when Joseph went back to the living room. Honestly, I wanted to know who that man was and the reason for his visit. More importantly, I wanted to know what they were talking about that made my Mom angry.
I walked towards my room with the box on my hand and a growing confusion on my mind. “Who’s that man?” I wondered loudly as I shut my door. “What the hell is this anyway?” I shook the box and heard a rattling inside. “At least it’s not empty.”
I threw my bag on the floor and then fell back on my bed with the box on my hand. “Sweet dreams…” I murmured and then smiled. I chuckled to myself as I felt butterflies on my stomach. “Really… something is really wrong with me… If this continues, then I’ll really end up being a pervert…” I sighed.
I tried asking Mom about Joseph over dinner, but she wouldn’t budge. All of my questions were only answered by a sharp look. I knew better than forcing my questions on her. My Mom’s silence only made my curiosity grow.
I slept through the night thinking about two things. First, the box that Joseph left me. I wanted to see what’s inside, but it was locked and he didn’t leave me the key. I could’ve smashed it opened, but it just didn’t feel right. And second, I was thinking about the swim I had at Nico’s pool.
Actually, I was thinking about Nico.
I was picturing his smile on my mind, remembering his every touch. I could even feel the spots where his skin touched mine, and I could hear his voice on my head over and over again.
I was thinking of Nico.
Plainly thinking of Nico.
I had so many things in my mind that night that I didn’t get the chance to open my computer. It was the first time I slept at night without typing any words.
That night, I had the same dream again; Nico emerging from the lake and then giving me a sweet kiss. That dream repeated over and over again, and each time, the kiss started to feel real. More than just a dream, it felt like I was relieving a memory. A memory that my lips could remember but my mind couldn’t.
With such a wonderful dream the night before, I woke up the next morning feeling happy and refreshed. I had a smile on my face when I walked in the shower, but it was wiped away when I finally realized what’s happening to me. “He’s everywhere…” I sighed.
It was not just my heart that Nico invaded, but also my mind, my subconscious. My reality was already filled with emotions and thoughts connected to him, why does he had to invade my dreams as well.
“This is bad… I’m trapped…” I sighed again.
The thought of Nico occupying the whole of my mind was really scary to me, and that’s why I was a little bit relieved that the mysterious visitor Mom had the night before came to my life. At least I have something else to think about.
Who was that Joseph? What is his connection to my Mom? What does he want from us? What’s inside the box that he gave me?
I walked down the stairs and heard my Mom singing in the kitchen as she cooks breakfast. She sounded so happy. It took a long time for me to hear her sing while cooking again. When Dad left, my Mom would always space out while cooking. There are times that I would run to the kitchen after smelling something was burning. And when I got to the kitchen, I would see Mom standing in front of the stove, holding the pan and spatula, while looking blankly at the wall.
We’ve gone a long way. We’re finally starting a new life, moving on, moving forward, and I don’t want us to go back to that dark and depressing point in our lives. That’s why I chose not tell her about my encounter with Dad and his new wife at the café.
I don’t want my Mom to think about him anymore. I want her to totally forget about him and every hurt that he put us into. If possible, I don’t want to ever remind Mom of Dad again.
But the universe had other plans.
“Drew!” My Mom was surprised when she turned around and saw me. “Don’t scare me like that.”
I laughed at her expression. “You’re such a scaredy-cat, Mom.” She looked at me sharply and I stopped laughing. “I’ll turn on the news.” I said as I escaped to the living room and turned on the TV.
The whole house fell silent as the news aired on TV. The atmosphere changed and became really heavy. Suddenly it became more difficult for me to breathe. My Mom and I remained frozen as the news aired a story about Crown Robins Publishing new President.
The reporter told the story about the new company president, that he is the new husband and college sweetheart of the daughter of the Crown Robins Publishing owner. Then Sylvia Robinson appeared on screen, and beside her, was no other than the new president. My Dad.
That moment, I realized that I shouldn’t feel trapped because Nico is both in my mind and heart, that I shouldn’t be scared of having him in thoughts and emotions all the time. Because Nico is… the love I feel for Nico is… my sanctuary.
From all the things that were happening in my life, and from all of the things that were about to happen; love is my only refuge.
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