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Sometimes I wonder; what if it wasn’t Nico that I saved at that lake? Would I steal a kiss? Would I even fall in love? I was not a great believer of destiny or fate, but I would like to believe that the universe had brought the two of us together, that the world wanted us to meet at that time, at that very situation.
It was my way to convince myself that I have relevance in Nico’s life. And with all the attention he was giving me, I was starting to believe in that as well.
Playing that game with Nico was really fun. It was the first time in my life that I enjoyed a physical activity besides swimming, and it’s all thanks to Nico. Because of him, I was experiencing many things that I never even thought I would.
Everyone in school kept on saying that Nico was really cold, they describe him as somewhat unsociable and snob, but he isn’t like that towards me at all. It made me think; maybe Perry was right, maybe something is suspicious.
“You’re acting really weird today.” Perry said as we walked towards our lockers. The gym class just ended and we were preparing for our respective class.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“First, you’re smiling more than usual, which is a good thing. Second, you enjoyed playing dodge ball, which is so out of your character. And third, you let Nico call you Drew without getting angry, which is very suspicious.” Perry explained. “Tell me, Kyle, what is going on between you and Nico?”
My heart sunk when Perry asked me that. Could he have possibly found out? Does he know that I have feelings for Nico? What should I do? What would I say to him?
“That’s…” I hesitated.
“You said he came to your shop yesterday…” Perry muttered. “Did he threaten you? Is he blackmailing you? Is he forcing you to act friendly with him? Did you have a shady deal with him?”
“Haa…? What are you talking about? Seriously, Perry, where do you get those ideas?” I was a bit relieved that Perry’s assumptions were all far off from the truth.
“That’s the only explanation I could think of as to why you two are acting so friendly all of a sudden, you even let him call you Drew. Tell me, what does he have against you?” Perry’s mind works in a really different way that I couldn’t comprehend at times. How did he even come to that conclusion is beyond me.
“There’s nothing like that, okay… I just think that he is a nice guy, that’s all. Besides, I want to make new friends here…” I lied.
“That’s not enough reason for you to let him call you Drew, Kyle. I know, because one time, my Mom called you that and you have that foul expression on your face, it was scary you know.” Perry said. “Besides, Nico isn’t a friendly guy, everyone in school knows, so I’m pretty sure that he has an ulterior motive for acting all friendly towards you. I’m sure he is up to something. I mean, besides the fact that he usually doesn’t talk to just anyone, he even invited you to their company’s anniversary party? To think that you just met him yesterday. He’s definitely up to something.” Perry sounded so serious that I couldn’t just leave his remarks as a joke.
Could Perry be right? Was Nico acting friendly towards me because he is planning something? What does he want then? I really wanted to know the reason behind Nico’s actions, because no matter how happy and special it made me feel, I still couldn’t believe that Nico would pay any special attention to me.
It must be that…
Because I’m a transferee…
Maybe he’s just curious…
Curiosity, and nothing else…
“Perry… I don’t know why Nico is being friendly to me, I don’t know if he’s sincere or not, but, I am. I really want to be friends with him.” I know that I can’t have Nico, that he would not reciprocate the feelings I have for him. I know he wouldn’t love me back. So at least, at the very least, I want to be friends with him. That’s the closest I’ll ever be.
Perry was looking at me. He must’ve seen something in my eyes, because his expression suddenly mellowed. “Alright… I wouldn’t ask any more questions, but if you want, you can talk to me anytime. Just promise me this, Kyle; you’ll be careful around him. It’s just that, we don’t know what he’s thinking, or what he’s up to at all.”
“Thanks… I’ll be careful…” Lying to Perry, hiding the truth from him, was really difficult for me, but saying the truth proved to be much more difficult. I don’t know how he would react if he finds out that I am in love with Nico, with a boy like me, and I was afraid that he would distant himself away from me. Even though I’ve met many new people, Perry is the only one I could call a true friend.
When we moved in town, I was very depressed – because of my parent’s divorce and because I couldn’t accept that I fell in love with the same sex – and then Perry came. He made a lot of effort to make me smile and laugh, and it did pay off after some time. I am really thankful that I’ve met him.
Sure, I’m still in touch with my friends at my old town, especially with Brent, but having a friend that you can talk to face to face was still very different. I would be in the same gloomy place if it weren’t for Perry.
Perry and I had different classes after gym, so we parted ways, and as I walked to my class alone, I kept on thinking about Nico. I couldn’t stop thinking about his reason for being friendly towards me. It bothered me greatly, after all he’s not like that with other people.
I know I should’ve felt happy and special instead, but after talking to Perry, my mind got a bit murkier. I wasn’t blindly happy anymore, but I wasn’t that suspicious either, I was merely a bit more watchful. I need to know the reasons behind Nico’s action.
“You’re going to be late, if you walk like that.” I suddenly felt a breath on my ears and my whole body tingled as the hair on my body raised, my heart also skipped a beat when I turned around and saw Nico behind me. He smiled at me and raised his brows.
“Nico…” That was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I was startled to see him that time. I didn’t really know what to say or how to act.
“What’s your next class?” Nico asked as he walked beside me. I couldn’t look at him at all, I felt really guilty for doubting the sincerity behind his actions. I’m not trying to justify my feelings, but wouldn’t you feel the same if all of a sudden that one person you want to notice you suddenly does, for no apparent reason at all?
I shouldn’t have listened to Perry.
I shouldn’t be suspicious of Nico.
My heart’s telling me that there was nothing to worry about.
There’s nothing to worry about.
There’s really nothing to worry about.
Nothing at all… right?
“I have calculus next…” I replied meekly and Nico chuckled. What was that chuckle for? Was he laughing at me? Does he think that I am nerdy? Damn it… Why do I have to worry about every little thing whenever Nico is around? Love… this love… it’s too tiring…
“What a coincidence, I have the same class.” Nico said with a wide smile. “What’s wrong, why are you looking at me like that?”
“Nothing, it’s just that, you don’t really look like the calculus type of guy.” I replied.
“Then what kind of guy do I look like to you?”
“I’m not entirely sure either, but definitely not calculus.” I chuckled. There may still be doubts inside of me, but it doesn’t matter anymore. At that moment, I decided to just enjoy the present. Whatever it is that Nico really wanted doesn’t matter anymore because whenever I am with him I feel happy, and for me that’s the only thing that matters.
I may be an idiot for thinking that. I may be an idiot for letting my happiness get the best out of my judgment. I know that there’s a possibility of me getting hurt, but I just wanted to be close to Nico so much that I was willing to grasp every opportunity.
School ended and I was planning to go to the shop immediately, but Perry had a different plan. He dragged me to a café with Dion despite my adamant protest. “I told you, I have no time for this. I need to go…”
“Relax, I already called your Mom, and she said it’s ok for me take you. Actually, she sounded pretty happy to hear that you have plans after school, besides going to the shop.” Perry explained.
“I can’t believe this…” I sighed. “So, what are we even doing here?”
“We’re meeting some girls for a group date.” Dion replied with a big smile.
“What?” I was pretty much shocked. “Wait, I never agreed to this. I’m going.” I said and then tried to stand up, but Perry pulled me back on my seat.
“You’re not going anywhere, ok.” Perry said seriously. “You need this, trust me.”
“How on earth do I need this? I’m not interested in dating, ok. I have better things to worry about. Besides…” I already have someone I love. It’s not like I can say that, though. If I did, Perry wouldn’t stop until he finds out who it is.
“Besides, what?” Perry asked
“Forget it.” I know Perry, if I walked away from that group date that day, then he would continue to try to force me to another one the next time. “Fine.” I sighed. “I’ll stay, but this is going to be the last time, ok. I’m really not interested in dating… well, not right now.”
“Deal, but you have to promise that you’ll behave. Try to pretend to be interested, for our sake. We don’t want to look like douches in front of the girls.” Perry agreed with a small smile.
“Guys, here they are.” Dion said while looking at the door.
“Kill me now…” I sighed as three girls walked towards our table. Quite honestly, I had no idea what to do at that moment. I… I’ve never been in date before, actually. What should I do? How should I act? I had no idea at all.
If only I could tell Perry right then and there that I already have someone in my heart, then I’m sure he would understand, I’m sure he would not force me to go through that date. But I was still scared to let anyone else know about my true feelings for Nico.
The girls sat down and introduced themselves. Dion and Perry talked to them really excitedly. As for me, I was still in my own world. Hell, I didn’t even hear the girls’ name properly.
“So Kyle, what kind of sports do you like?” The girl in front of me suddenly asked.
“Nothing really…” I replied. “I prefer…”
“Swimming. He’s into swimming.” Perry said and then looked at me sharply. He probably didn’t want me to say that I prefer staying at my room all day, because that would probably make those girls think that I’m really boring.
“Really?” The girl said with a bright smile as she looked at me.
“Ohhh… that explains the good built you have…” The other girl said.
Having other people talk about my body was really uncomfortable for me. Others would take it as a compliment and would be really happy about it, but for me it was bit embarrassing. The whole time, the girls, Dion and Perry exchanged pleasantries, complemented each other, and basically flirted. I tried my best to not look really bored, even though I was dying of it, but all I could manage was a meek smile and awkward chuckles.
I would prefer for that excruciating cycle to continue rather than what was about to happen next.
When you that one thing in your life that you wanted to forget suddenly appears in front of your very eyes, what would you feel? When the cause of all the pain, of all the wounds in your heart, suddenly returns, how would you fight it off? And when the very person that cause you to fall into deep depression came back to your life, what would you feel?
We moved away because of him.
I was separated from my lake because of him.
My Mom cried for many nights because of him.
We started a new life to forget about him.
We wanted him out of our life.
So why…?
Why is Dad here?
My heart stopped and my whole body started trembling, when my Dad came in the café with that woman. They sat at a table across the room, but I can still see them clearly. I wouldn’t feel that angry and that hurt at that moment if I saw my Dad there alone, but he was with that woman, and that simply aggravated me.
Seeing him with, the woman who caused so much pain for both Mom and I, the woman who broke my family, the woman who shattered my belief that love can last forever, seeing him with that woman sent unfathomable pain in my heart. Their so called romance… that romance that destroyed my family was poison to my heart.
Each time my Dad and that woman would touch, I would feel like my heart was being stabbed. Each time that Dad smiled at her, I would remember how he used to smile at Mom like that, how he praised me and called my name with that very smile, and it hurts so bad that I won’t get to see that smile ever again. His eyes used to twinkle like that for Mom. He used to laugh like that with us. He used to love us like that. Everything was simply a remnant of the past, and all that remains was bitterness and sorrow.
Why does it have to change so suddenly? Why does his heart have to change? Why did his love disappear? Why does he have to choose that woman over us? Why? Why?
My heart was breaking into pieces, it was falling apart. My whole body felt heavy, and I could feel tears staring to well up in my eyes.
Knowing that dad chose that woman over Mom and I was painful enough, but actually seeing him with her was even more painful. The more I see the two of them, the more I was drowning in sorrow. I could feel myself falling into depression once more.
I needed to get out of there.
I needed to save myself.
“Kyle, what’s wrong?” Perry asked me. He looked at the direction of my stare and then looked back at me worriedly. “Is that…?”
“I’m sorry, I need to go.” I took my bag and then stood up.
“I’ll go with you.” Perry said.
“No, stay. I need to be alone for now.” I said and then left the table.
I walked aimlessly on the sidewalk for a while, and even though the street was noisy, I couldn’t hear a thing. I blacked-out myself from the world around me, because being in that world was simply too painful for me at that moment.
In the past, whenever I was feeling down, whenever I wanted to clear my mind and to calm myself down, I would just go down the lake and take a late night swim. I wanted to swim. I wanted to feel the calmness of water around my whole body. That was the only thing that I could think of that would make me feel better. Once I get in the water, I knew I could think clearer again, I knew I would just feel better. There’s a problem, though. Where could I find a place to swim in the middle of the city?
Suddenly, I was pulled back to that painful world as someone pulled me by the wrist. “What’s wrong with you? I kept on calling you, but you wouldn’t even look at me.” I turned around and saw Nico. “Drew… What happened, are you alright?” He asked as he saw my expression.
My expression must be really terrible for him to look that worried. I’m not really sure about how I looked that moment, but I knew that my face was showing the deep sorrow in my heart.
That time, I was in such a bad place. My mind and my heart were questioning if love truly exists, and then all of a sudden, Nico appeared. And just like magic, my doubts about love disappeared.
He might not love me back.
He might not even like me.
I’m still unsure about his motives for being friendly towards me.
But I don’t care.
I was thankful that he was there.
Because his mere presence made everything better.
His touch calmed my trembling heart and cleared my murky mind.
When I saw Nico’s face, the heaviness I was feeling in my heart was somehow lifted. I never knew that seeing the one you love, being with the one you love at the your darkest and gloomiest moment would simply make everything better.
If Nico didn’t appear at that time, then I would’ve drowned in despair.
“If I say that I’m fine, would you believe me?” I replied in a very gloomy tone. I even tried to give a small smile, but I just couldn’t smile at that moment.
“Do you want to talk about it? I’ll listen to you.” Nico said as his grip on my wrist softened.
“I want to swim.” I told Nico. “Do know any place where I could swim?” I asked and gave him a wry smile.
Without asking any questions, Nico brought me to his house. It was huge, elegant, and looked really opulent. Nico asked if I wanted to go inside the house first, but seeing that huge house somehow made me feel really nervous, so opted to go straight to the pool instead.
Nico’s pool was huge. It was near the garden so the pool was surrounded with plants as well. It reminded me of the lake I used to swim. I took off my clothes and only left my underwear on. My back was turned on Nico and I refused to turn around. It just felt weird being almost naked around him.
I stood on the edge of the pool and looked up the sky. I used to do that every time before I took a dip at the lake. Somehow it reminded me of the old times.
“Do you want me to turn the lights on?” Nico offered.
“No… the moonlight is more than enough…” I replied. “I like it better this way.”
Being in front of that pool was enough to make me feel better, and having Nico just by my side made it even a lot better. The heaviness and the pain in my heart lessened a great deal, and everything was because of Nico.
I looked down at the water and then slowly turned around to look at Nico. “Thank you.” I said and then gave him a small wry smile before I let my body fall on the water.
As the water embraced my whole body, I could feel my heart calming down a bit, my mind was somehow getting clearer as well. I was still hurt by what I saw at the café, but I found myself letting it all go. Holding that pain inside would not change anything at all.
I stayed still underwater as I looked at the image of the moon, it was not as beautiful as it was on the lake, but the mere feeling of watching it that way was enough to bring back nostalgic memories to me. Memories that were bittersweet, memories that I would never even dare try to forget.
I missed the old times.
I miss the lake.
I missed my friends.
I missed my happy family.
I missed my Dad.
Missing him was not enough to bring him back. I knew I had to accept that, but still it really hurts.
Being in the water felt really good and it was really calming. It felt like the all the problems and all the cruelty of world don’t matter, it was a whole different world where only serenity exists.
I loved that feeling. I wanted to have that serenity for as long as I can. I want that serenity to last forever.
Suddenly, the image of the moon was disrupted, and instead I saw Nico’s face. He was shirtless and was swimming towards me. I was confused. The next thing I knew, I was above the water with Nico’s arm around my waist.
I looked at him confusedly, I had no idea what was going on at all.
“Are you out of your mind?! What do you think you’re doing?!” He shouted at me. He didn’t look or sound angry at all, but instead, he looked and sounded worried. I just realized what Nico thought I was doing. Sure I liked that serene feeling of being underwater so much that I wanted be embraced by that serenity for as long as I can, but it never crossed my mind to give my life in exchange for that serene feeling. “If you think I would let you kill yourself on my pool, then you are gravely mistaken! I would never let anything happen to you, never! I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know what you’re feeling right now, but I know for a fact that many people would be devastated if you disappear… I’m one of them… So please, don’t give up… don’t ever do something like that again… I won’t be able to take it…”
He’s worried about me.
Nico is worried about me.
The world may be too cruel. Being in it might be painful and finding a new world sure is very tempting, but a world without the ones I love is an ever more cruel fate.
Seeing his face, hearing his voice, knowing that he’s worried about me shone a bright light ahead of my dark tunnel.
“Nico I…” Tears started to fall from my eyes. I was crying because I felt really happy. I was happy because the person I love seems to really care for me. That reason is enough to fire my spirit and to erase the pain caused by my Dad. I didn’t want Nico to see me crying so I looked down and then leaned my head on Nico’s chest. It was sturdy, it was warm, and it was very comforting. I could feel my heart racing, and so was Nico’s. The night was silent and all I could hear were the beating of our hearts. “I’m sorry… just let me stay like this for a while.”
“Mmm…” Nico replied. It might be just my imagination, but I felt Nico’s touch on my waist tighten a bit.
That night, one thing became clear to me; I was stupid for even doubting Nico’s sincerity. Whatever his initial reason for approaching me doesn’t matter, all that matter is his sincerity. When in doubt, all you need to do is look deep into your heart. That’s what Mom would always say, and once again she is right. As I look into the depth of my heart, I found the answer. I can trust Nico, I can rely on him.
As the universe threw me in a very deep and dark cave a bright, thin and yet very thread suddenly shone as it descended towards me. At the other end of the thread was Nico pulling me up. In the middle of the darkness there would always be a light that would shine upon you. A light that would save you, a light that would give you hope, and for me that light is coming from Nico. A light I call love.
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