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Understanding You
Fluorescent beams of colorful lights illuminate the fresh morning. The streets were currently gaining noise, movement, the stirring of people’s sleeps into wakefulness.
Joheeon’s house had been silent, all the curtains draped closed, his eyes verily fluttering open. His husband, Changhyuk had left fifteen minutes ago, quietly making his lunch and then quietly closing the door so he wouldn’t make a noise and wake Joheeon up.
Well that little small noise did indeed woke Joheeon up. Every morning it went like that. For the past month, Changhyuk had left before Joheeon could even say goodbye.
Feeling the empty side of the bed, Joheeon stayed there, his eyes looking over the open door, wanting to close his eyes again.
But like every morning the revolving sensation that threatened him to get up in in a flash to be kneeled down to the toilet as he hunched down to empty his contents from last’s nights meal made sure he didn’t sleep again.
Afterwards, when he pushed himself to the wall, his muscles can feel the draining of such action. He didn’t put much thought at first the constant feeling of vile pushing itself up to his throat at the realization that daylight was near.
His mind had other thoughts in mind. One of them was his marriage. Often, in so many marriages, there’s a reaching point where the couples are in non-speaking terms and everything that one of them does is the cause of their arguments.
Joheeon was naive. He had swore to himself that they wouldn’t get to that point. They had been so in love in the beginning of their marriage that it blinded them from ever thinking their relationship would reach a breaking point.
Now, overseeing that outlook he wanted to slap himself for being a complete idiot. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other. That wasn’t true at all. Joheeon loves Changhyuk as much as he did when they first got married. As boyfriends that love build up until that love became an abundance that went into marriage to seal it, to claim it.
A relationship wouldn’t be a relationship if there wasn’t something to disagree, Joheeon knows that. As boyfriends they had their share of disagreements, as well as in their marriage. Until this point where he feels pointless. These constant mini fights were draining him. All he wanted to do was reverse all these meaningless fights and restart where ever they had began to majorly disagree with each other.
Morning was slipping up from his fingertips. Soon it would be afternoon, the time wasted.
His body felt weak, despite this, he managed to drag himself up and clean the mess he had made. Today was his day off so that meant he had a day to do things that he couldn’t normally do when he had working days.
After he finished doing his bed, he took out milk from the fridge and pour it from the carton to the indigo bowl that he had gotten on his wedding day by his mother. He then shook the cereal flakes from the box into the bowl, mixing both contents for a tasteful encounter.
Sleepiness wore off from him as he chew the cereal, staring at the tree that was in front of his kitchen window. Occasionally birds would perch up on the twigs to sing their song or to relax themselves from their flight.
Delighted, Joheeon would sometimes take pictures and send them to his mother, the only one who had gracefully approved of his marriage. His father was still reluctant to visit him because he didn’t quite approve of Changhyuk. Taking pictures of these birds would help his mood tremendously. He was always reminded that he didn’t have to stay on his current mood. He can always change it, he had the power to change it.
~~~
Lunch was like any other day, except today. Some of his coworkers had gone in a group to eat at a new restaurant that had open earlier in the week.
One of them had invited Changhyuk to go with them. He politely refused, already having plans to meet his step brother, Minhyuk.
Minhyuk was very supported of his marriage, his friendship strong with his husband, Joheeon. At times he felt at odd when the three of them went out to the movies or to eat at restaurants. Minhyuk’s sense of humor matched Joheeon’s really well.
As he waited for the light to turn red, he slightly lean on the pole where the push button to walk to the other side was positioned. His head phones were on his ears, his favorite music on replay. The restaurant was two minutes walking distance from where he worked.
Honking cars, trailing of people on the streets, street vendors in random places, and the buzz of every day life was the usual on his lunch break.
The blazing son, up high was radiating the busy day. Sweat was forming on his hair line, prompting him to raise the back of his hand and wipe it away.
Bursts of giggles from little children outside of the restaurant welcomed him as he opened the door.
In less than a second, Changhyuk spotted Minhyuk already sitting on the far end corner, cold water by his side, the ice melting. His head was buried on his phone, no muscles moved at all.
Upon seeing the water, he realized that he was thirsty. He had forgotten his water bottle at home, it seems. Minhyuk didn’t bat an eyelash as he sat down and took the water from the table and into his lips, the cold water satisfying his thirst.
“I’m fine, thank you for asking,” Changhyuk says, shaking his head at his little brother’s manners.
“Oh, hush. I saw you coming..” Minhyuk shuts his phone off and places it right next to the empty glass that he left after he gurgled the water down.
“Anyways, I ordered for you already, if you don’t mind.”
“It better have all the ingredients,” he warns. Last time Minhyuk had ordered something different which caused him to take his dinner home and feed it to his husband, which by the way he loved.
“No worries.” Minhyuk dismisses it with a swat of his hand.
He then grabbed his phone again and starts messaging someone. Probably his best friend.
Minhyuk was in university, working while taking three classes. He had graduated from college two years ago. Changhyuk’s father married Minhyuk’s mother when they were both still elementary school. Changhyuk was in fifth grade while Minhyuk was in head-start.
Having different parents changed nothing of their relationship. They have always been very close despite a huge age gap between them. Changhyuk’s step mother was like his mother. His biological mother had died when he was three so he never knew how she was like.
“Did Joheeon message you?” He breaks a little piece from the bread that their waiter had brought couple seconds ago.
“No, why?”
“I don’t know. I just thought he would message you.” Changhyuk shrugs, the worry of his husband waiting him down on his shoulders.
Lately they were distant. Joheeon squirmed away from him whenever he tried to come near him when they slept at night. Mornings meant he would kiss his lover on the lips and then would go to work happily. Instead, these days he leaves puzzled, confused on his lover’s behavior towards him. It made him question himself on what he did wrong, all the time.
“He hasn’t been messaging and when I talk to him on the phone he sounds distracted. The other day I heard you guys argue?” Minhyuk raises his eyebrows, his comment sounding more like a question.
At the mention of their fight his stomach unsettles. That moment was a moment of weakness for them. In the midst of their argument, Joheeon threw out into the air that he didn’t feel love. That he felt like Changhyuk didn’t love him as much as he used to which wasn’t true at all.
Changhyuk was hurt. How can his husband think of all that? A complete lie. His love for Joheeon hadn’t change at all. Not one bit. There was times where he would be annoyed by him, which people tend to be when you spend so much time with someone.
But to think that he didn’t love him? That was a waking point for him. That’s when he realize that their relationship had changed a slightly bit.
“To tell you the truth, we have had arguments lately. And they all seem to conclude my lack of affection towards Joheeon,” he tells his step-brother, I’m a way his voice asking for a solution to his problem.
“Well are you?”
Lacking affection? Changhyuk doesn’t think so. He has been working more, but that’s because he wants to save money just in case something happens. More people in the job have started to leave early which meant he could take after-work shifts. Changhyuk doesn’t lose an opportunity to make more money and secure their future.
~~~
‘Are you eating well’ : the text message says, Joheeon’s screen turn on, except he was looking through his wallet.
Right after he had empty out what he had ate last night, Joheeon took a shower and ate a light meal: eggs with Greek yogurt. He wasn’t that hungry.
While he flipped the channels, a commercial for baby diapers had his mind turmoil the possibility of being pregnant. It hadn’t occurred to him at all until that precise moment.
His skin, full of goosebumps made him shake, stirring his mood from sad to worry. Something so unexpected can change his relationship and Joheeon knows that’s not what he wants. He wants to fix it, not ruin it. They hadn’t even talked about kids.
His wallet contains a fifty dollar bill. Without much thought, he grabs it and pushes the bill farther down to his pocket so he doesn’t regret it the minute he steps
out of their house.
Everything was perfectly on its place, the lights out, and clean from the dirt. The hot early afternoon matching the irritability of his being.
Lightly, and with precaution, he puts the wallet back on his drawer, shuts it, and then with a sigh texts back a ‘yes’ without further saying anything.
There was no time to text back. He was in a mission, a mission he was deadly dreading. Sighing, his shoulders slouched, he turned a corner, and meanders until he is face to face with the drug store.
Purple mixed with red was seeping into the sky, announcing the sun’s slowly departure from the sky. Everywhere he turned people minded their own business, clueless to his own internal misery.
Indecisive, he stood there for a quite while, afraid that everything was coming at him too fast. People came and went, a couple with a little girl in between them, her little hands holding both their hands. She smiled at him, moving her parents’ hands out of shyness.
Out of breath, he opens the door, and immediately heads to the direction of where the pregnancy test was.
Even standing there did nothing to stop his heart from beating so loud. It didn’t help him to ease his mind at all. Only one thing would.
In the aisle, there was no one. Joheeon made sure there wasn’t anybody there. Choosing and picking one of the pregnancy tests wouldn’t immediately scream that he was pregnant. To others that would mean that he was buying it for his girlfriend or wife. Still the act of getting the pregnancy test made him self conscious. Stares of others are his biggest scare. Being the scrutiny of others makes him want to hide and never crawl out.
Decisions on brands were limited. At least on that he didn’t have to worry. Before anyone steps into the aisle, he picks one up and lowers it to his legs and then scurries to the refrigerator that had a variety of drinks; he picks a purple Gatorade and with his head hung low waits on the line on of the registers.
Less than five minutes later, Joheeon is out of the drugstore, the pregnancy test and the Gatorade dunk inside a white bag,hanging from his wrist.
He lightly walks back, dreading to be home to do the testing. It wouldn’t be long before Changhyuk comes, yet he’s still taking his time.
Because of his constant morning actions, he was dehydrated. The grape taste comforted his throat. Somehow he felt better. Whatever happens, there’s a reason for it.
He can’t keep himself isolated from the fact that he has to salvage his marriage. Whatever he is feeling, he has to realize that it isn’t entirely true. All those emotions, feelings of loneliness, of thinking that his husband loves him less, that he has lost interest in him- he has to put all of that aside; he knows those ‘truths’ he tells himself are lies.
Every inch of their house feels different. In this moment the house didn’t feel like his own. He was an inhabitant in his own home. With a single swift movement, he twists the door open, taking the key out of the hole and dropping them on the couch, caring less of what happens to the inanimate object.
His only focus was the restroom which he steps into and closes. Nervousness stirs in him, shaky hands hold the long, rectangular box. After he opens the box, takes the stick out, quickly scans the instructions, he does his business.
Minutes feel like a day. The stick is there on the counter waiting for his hands to pick it up and read the results.
But he can’t read the results. He doesn’t want to. He wants ton. He’s afraid. For him. For his marriage. For his unattainable, future. For the forsaken future he hopes his husband doesn’t do.
Joheeon’s face is on his hands. He can’t stop thinking about that tiny blob of cells verily forming inside of him. Does he have all the things necessary to keep this child? What if he wants this baby and then it dies before the baby is born? Would he be able to take it?
A text message has arrived-his phone blasts off. He shuts it off, ignoring who was calling him.
“It’s time,” he verily whispers, his throat caught in a twist.
The stick is sticky and undeniably intimidating. This stick holds his future, holds the truth that he has been pushing away, refusing to acknowledge.
One. Two. Three. He counts slowly. He raises the stick to his eyes. Something shifts in his body. His body is heavy, his legs wobbly.
Two lines.
He was indeed pregnant.
~~~
“Maybe Joheeon is having symptoms of some type of mental illness. These type of things don’t discriminate people. Anyone can have this,” Minhyuk mentions, sipping the last of his drink.
Jooheon with a mental illness? He never realized this or had began to think that his husband could be silently suffering a battle within himself.
“How can I be oblivious to this,” Changhyuk says, angry at himself.
He must be the worst husband to have not noticed the shift on his husband’s behavior.
“Don’t blame yourself. So many keep to themselves, and chose to not disclose anything due to the lack of stigma.”
“But I’m his husband? I wouldn’t judge him. All I want is the best for him.”
“Brother, all these things don’t matter. Just let him know that you’re there to listen. Mental illnesses play tricks on people, no matter their circumstances. Joheeon knows you love him, just keep assuring him you do,” Minhyuk says, cupping his hand and giving him a warm smile.
“Thank you,” is all he has to say to him. He was perplexed. Embarrassed for being oblivious.
Their meeting had lasted twenty minutes, their discussion on his husband. The food had tasted bland, nothing satisfying him. He had to go home and see his husband.
Before he went back, but after saying his goodbyes to his brother, he had called his boyfriend. There was no answer. He tried to call again, but didn’t. He doesn’t want to be greedy with his pestering.
Work had gone super slow. He had been distracted. His fingers itched to call, to see if his husband okay.
Deep inside he knew he wasn’t okay. He hadn’t been in a while. That he knew of. Now it was his turn to understand what was his husband going through. Understand why he didn’t tell him.
Finally worked had ended. Usually he would say his goodbyes to his workers. Today, though, he didn’t. At every speed he could do, Changhyuk drove home. Every light was a blur, eyes stuck on the road.
He almost left the keys on the car when he got out of the car. He was almost to the front door when he realized they were still there. After getting them, he went inside to look for his husband.
The house was quiet. So quiet he could hear the shuffling of his feet. There was one place he could be: their room. The door creaked open, he slowly stepping inside.
No light was on. Outside was still with light, contrast to how their room looked like. Changhyuk flickers the switch, the light illuminating the entire room, and then tucking himself in the covers.
“Babe,” he whispers, pulling himself closer.
Joheeon shuffles on his side of the bed, his face coming into light. “Hey.”
Changhyuk’s lips parted, expressing a surprised look on his face. Witnessing his husband, with his eyes lost from the joy he used to see broke him. Joheeon’s eyes had bags under them, his eyes were red from which Changhyuk is sure he had been crying.
Intentionally, he places his hand on Joheeon’s cheek, coming really close to him. “Have you been here all day?”
“No.” He shakes his head.
“Babe…”
“No, I’m fine. I was just tired.” Joheeon removes himself from the bed and walks to the restroom, where he stops right before the door.
“I can see that you’re not. I’m here for anything,” Changhyuk softly tells him, climbing out of the bed and reaching out to him to engulf him with a hug.
But Joheeon rejects him, moving several inches away. “Are you?”
“Yes, until the end. Where is this coming from?”
Joheeon was on the verge of tears, shaking his head uncontrollably. He paced back and from where he was positioned. “You need to really promise that.”
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong.” He reaches for his hand and they walk to the bed where they sit, Joheeon silently following.
“I think I’m pregnant,” he hiccups, burying his head on Changhyuk’s chest.
Pregnant? Is this all? No. There was more, he is sure of. His mind is being overwhelmed with his information yet he’s still concerned with Changhyuk’s well being.
A baby for them? They’re both males and they had never discussed this before. But he doesn’t mind. Maybe it’s time that they have a kid. Things are never planned.
Just by looking at his husband, he is stuck between wanting to have this child or if this will affect his husband.
“You don’t want me anymore,” Joheeon cries. Changhyuk must of been thinking too much about this because he had been quiet for several seconds right after Joheeon spoke.
“No, no. Baby, despite of never speaking in this subject, I wouldn’t mind having a kid now. There’s no one I rather raise a kid than with you.” He was skeptical of his choice of words. He didn’t want to upset him more than he already was.
Joheeon pull himself up, staring right back at Changhyuk. He exclaimed a surprised ‘o’.
His hands had wrapped themselves around his. His cries lowering to sobs, dry tears painted on his face.
“This morning I felt so alone while doing this. I was so afraid that this would change everything,” he began to speak, allowing Joheeon to finally discover what was going on with his husband.
Changhyuk makes sure he to not laugh, although he smiles with a small noise coming out of his mouth. “Having a baby does change things, that is something you can’t avoid. That doesn’t mean that my love for you will change. We’re living on a world where two men married is still wrong on people’s eyes, and we are living our lives not caring of other’s opinions, so why would it matter that we are having a kid together? So many others wished that they could have their own biological kid.”
Joheeon shrugs, ” because the only thing I cared for was your opinion. And I knew you would be ecstatic, but something was telling me that you weren’t. That even though you love me, you wouldn’t want someone who was having a kid that biologically was impossible to bear.”
“This isn’t just about the baby your carrying right now, right?” Changhyuk gently presses his hand on Joheeon’s belly which right now was flat.
Joheeon’s tears begin to flow again. He closes his eyes and weeps. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I just feel like anything is pointless, and when you leave I feel everything coming on to me so fast that I don’t have time to breath. ”
“Do you feel lonely when I’m with you?”
“Yeah,” he sniffs, biting his lips.
“Oh, love. Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t want you to suffer like this. Do you want to speak to a therapist?”
This confession was breaking him. He wants to help him, but how? He just wants him to not go through this alone. He’s still foreign on this topic. He doesn’t want to be ignorant.
“For right now can you just hold me? And then we can speak about my mental health?”
“Of course. We can make an appointment for an ultrasound and go talk to your primary doctor tomorrow. I promise that I will be here for you. You can tell me anything, from now on, okay?” Joheeon nods at him, his head on top of Changhyuk’s shoulder, their bodies tucked beneath their big white cover.
Afterwards they stayed silent, none of them speaking. Both of them thinking about their relationship. Both of them were knew to this. Mental illness had surface more on the news, and people spoke about it more freely.
Changhyuk never knew his husband had what he could perceive to have depression. He knew little of it, but he was determined to know more about it. He wasn’t going to just let his husband suffer alone. He’s not gonna let his husband’s depression to take over his whole life.
~~~
A/N:
I don’t know where this went. My mind just wrote this while I was sitting. Perhaps this could be too far into ‘unbelievable’ but I would like to believe there’s people who understand and won’t judge others when they speak about depression. Well that’s what I hope in the future people do when someone they love tell them about what they have been silently suffering, and can’t hold off any longer.
@CreativeAbility this is probably what you didn’t envision when you requested your one shot but I hope you still like it very much.
As for my writing, there are times when I don’t feel like writing so I do apologize, but I’m trying to write everything, all the one shots and Kismet. But to be honest I feel overwhelmed sometimes lol too much writing for my limited brain.
Kismet is next so all of you who are waiting, don’t wait any longer. I promise. 🤞🏻
-Laterz Kelsi.
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