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Kihyun’s POV:
The shuffling of his feet as he moved the cart around the grocery store, was hurting his back. Sitting in his cubicle for huge amounts of time, only walking when necessary, did nothing to help him relax. Sitting, walking, they all made his body ache and hurt with tiredness. As his kids develop right inside his uterus, the struggle of keeping them inside intensified.
The doctor had prescribed vitamins, prenatal pills, and hormones that he needed to take since he otherwise will not produced on his own. Just because he had the miracle to conceive triplets did not give him the privilege of producing the required necessities to bring children into this world.
All of his prescriptions were a list of times and secret places to take them. Kihyun was tired of taking them, his mouth already used to the hard substance hitting his tongue and the water passing it through his esophagus.
Kihyun was tired of hiding. Going to the restroom and taking a cup of water and swallowing his pill from the inside of a restroom stall. His heart beating with guilt as he waddle back and forth so that his boss wouldn’t see him. It was too much for him.
Shownu had no idea that he was pregnant still and that made him angry. Why couldn’t the ladder notice his bump already? It should be obvious by know that he’s pregnant with his bigger pants and oversized dress shirts. It would take a man who is not paying attention to not realize that he is wearing a huge sweater everyday even though the AC is not that high to have the building freezing with cold.
The cart abruptly stops which makes Kihyun stop and hit his stomach lightly. He shakes his head and focusing on his surroundings, realizing he just wavered out of conscious and into his own little world of worry.
“I think eating pineapple is good for the babies,” Hyungwon retorts grabbing the pineapple from the stand after Minhyuk had snatched the pineapple and with force, put it back to where it was.
“It does not matter. We are not buying pineapple. Let’s buy other things that are good for the babies, like I don’t know, strawberries.” Minhyuk snatches the cart from Kihyun, leaving him standing with tired eyes, and pulls it to the next row of fruits.
“Just because you hate pineapple doesn’t mean you’re going to traumatized my godchildren into hating pineapple,” Hyungwon says with a look of annoyance.
“I don’t hate pineapple. And they are not your godchildren. Kyungri might be your godchild but not the other two. I’m already feeling sorry for her.” Minhyuk grabs a couple of oranges and fills them inside of the bag. He puts the bag on the bottom of the cart and then inspects the tangerines next.
“He’s such a control freak. We can’t even get fruits without having to inspect every single detail,” Hyungwon says, coming over to Kihyun whom was still standing watching his two friends argue.
“He’s just doing this because he’s worried for the babies. We’re still in the critical stage and he doesn’t want anything to jeopardize it,” Kihyun says shrugging his shoulders and sneaking his hands inside his sweater pockets.
“Are you okay? Do you want another massage on your back?” Hyungwon raises an eyebrow, worry evident on his face.
Kihyun closes his eyes and shakes his head. The lost sleep and the exhausting sore muscles and the heaviness of his bump killing his bump was finally getting to him. Kihyun didn’t know if he could take it all. Could he even go further into his pregnancy? He can feel his stomach stretching more than it should and every single second he breaths he is in constant pain.
At night he can’t sleep because he can’t positioned himself into one single place where he can rest. Since he can’t sleep in his stomach and he feels like sleeping on his sides can harm his babies, he sleeps on his back, positioned like that the entire night which causes him to sweat and have anxiety.
“Come here,” hyungwon says sweetly, pulling Kihyun to his embrace with a pull of Kihyun’s sweater,” don’t worry about your kids. We are here for that. We are going to do all of the impossible possible so that they can come to this world healthy.”
“But it’s too much. I need the father of my children with me. I’m putting too much responsibility on you guys because I can’t be strong enough to take this pregnancy like a woman. I’m weak. I don’t know how so many women have more than five pregnancies. I can’t even take this one and I’m not even finished,” Kihyun wales, hiccuping. His tears that are running like cascades are prohibiting from his next words to come out coherent enough to be heard.
“Oh honey, you are nothing but weak. You are strong and fierce. You are going to make it through your pregnancy and whether the father is present or not, we are here. Forever,” Minhyuk says coming over to Kihyun and rubbing his cheek in comfort.
“Aww, I wish I was this close with my buddy.” The three friends break their proximity and turn around to look at the guy who ruined their moment.
“Oh, Mr. Lee, how are you,” Minhyuk says politely.
“What are you all doing here?”
~~~
Removing the seat belt from across my body and letting it fall back to its position, I finally let myself relax and rest my eyes.
My hair is damped from the sweat and my muscles are sore and full of adrenaline although my mind is exhausted.
Over the last week I haven’t been able to sleep. The man I have come to despise has creeped into my conscience and no matter how much I try to ignore his name, and his gentle face, my memory lane rubs it in my face. ‘You are in love with Kihyun.’
‘I know’ I yell back to my conscious. I don’t need to be remember every single second of my life. But loving him hurts because I know I hurt him so bad that now he won’t even look at me in the eyes.
For years I have tortured him with my words, rudely acted like I didn’t give a damn about him and now that I have finally broke him I finally realize what I have done wrong.
Kihyun is always tired and everyday I see him become less and less himself. The face that looks at me back is a mirrored version of myself. I know that he is beyond hurt because I lived through that.
I never thought I would do the same thing my dad did to me. I broke someone beyond repair because I was and despite not having these intentions, I did them to Kihyun. I hurt him because I was hurt. It was not right but I didn’t know that at all those years.
Hurting Kihyun was satisfaction to me. Seeing him stress was my relieve. I didn’t know why but at that time, his furrowed eyebrows was the highlight of my week.
‘Oh what a prick I was.’ ‘How can I call myself a proud man?’ Forget the praise of my late father’s brother or from colleagues that I am man with great influence and that I am good with business. I am not someone to be boastful. I am horrible human being, a monster who feeds through the pain of the man that I now love.
I didn’t see Kihyun for him. I saw him as an employee who I can take an advantage of. But that night. My drunken free night where I was dared to use Kihyun. And so I did. It’s a bittersweet night.
Kihyun was aware of the bet so I didn’t feel so guilty for allowing to get myself including into a detesting bet. My mind was on winning and I thought that if we did it quick, I would be victorious and I wouldn’t have to be skin to skin with Kihyun, the guy who I could verily look at without feeling anger.
That night and the few hours after that didn’t turn out as I thought it would. I went gentle on him. He didn’t squirm or flinch. Not at first though. In the beginning he was pissed and scared. I was irritated and ready to be rough.
Then something struck on me. I had went for his pants but he flinched, his hand softly pushing mine away. I removed my hands and lay them on my back. Kihyun bit his lip and took two steps back, stopping once his legs hit the front of the bed.
The room was slightly dark, the illuminating alley from the outside of the room and hundreds of lights turned on in the next empire building reflecting on the glass window gave us enough glow that we can see each other’s faces.
I took a step back at him. My heart beating faster. The irritation has rubbed off and my face had gotten gentle. In the proximity of our bodies, I raised my hand in front of his face and with my hand, I stroke his face. Kihyun closes his eyes and then opens them.
And in a second he pulls me closer, his hand pulling my arm forwards, my body going on top of him as he lays us down in the bed.
“This time go gentle on me. I don’t want this to be something that I regret. A few hours ago it was a bet. Today it’s just attraction. Just two guys rubbing their friction, their needs being pleased,” Kihyun says never leaving my eyes.
I nod and slowly bring my lips to his neck like a leech latching to the skin, sucking all the flavor off.
A few hours ago it was different. The atmosphere was different. Our deeds were duty but today our deeds are lust, pleasure. He wants it as much as I do.
For tonight we are going to pretend that it’s our first time. Forget the bet ‘sex’ deed.
“You have beautiful eyes.” That is the last thing I said to him before he felled asleep, his naked body being covered by the white sheet. A few minutes later after admiring his plumped red lips, and his tussled hair, I change into my clothes and leave the room. I place the key on the coffee table and shut the door. Regret surfing my body.
“Are you thinking of that night?” A distant voice pulls me away from my memory, my eyes already looking for the person with the voice.
Jooheon was in front of my face, his keys singling from his index finger. I deeply sigh and shift my body so that I am not slugging but instead I am sitting straight. “Indeed I am. I can’t help but think that that night destroyed Kihyun completely.”
“Don’t beat yourself for it. You both wanted it. It was consent you know.”
“Even so. Our first time was consent based on bribery. He only agreed because I agreed to stop being mean to him,” I say emphasizing the ‘I’ part with loudness and hitting my chest with my fist, a crack in my voice appearing.
“I don’t know what to say then. I’m not going to agree with you because either way it’s not my business to say that it was wrong or bad. Only him can say if he consented or not. Just ask him so you don’t beat yourself up every single day.” Jooheon pats my chest and them gets outs shutting his door.
“I don’t know what I’ll do if he didn’t consent having sex with me,” I whisper before getting out and closing the door lightly.
“The breeze feels nice. Buying food will definitely distract you since the gym clearly did not.” Jooheon slides his keys to his sweatpants and then walks two steps in front of me to help a lady who was trying to open the door so that her stroller enter the inside of the building.
I faintly smile at his generosity. Jooheon has always been the better one of our friendship. The employees aren’t afraid of him as they are of me. Sometimes I catch him flirting with both female and males employees. They all laugh and eat lunch together but once I enter the room everyone immediately goes to work and there is no noise to be heard.
Jooheon pretends like nothing is happening, like it’s normal. He just starts talking to me, his sweet smile. I also pretend that I don’t notice it and that they all go back to work so that they don’t appear like they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.
Yet. Deep inside of my subconscious, it affects me so much. Their actions show me that I am a cruel person and that me being cruel makes people scared of me. What kind of a person conditions their employees to fear him at the minimal look of his face or the walk into the room makes them break into a sweat.
After I enter the building through the aisle of frozen foods, I notice that I’ve lost Joheeon. “Are you kidding me?” Now I have to look for him aisle to aisle.
Walking through the frozen food aisle, a whoosh of cool air hits my arms and I bring closer to my chest to rub the coldness out.
Being at a grocery store at night gives me the chills. I haven’t been to a store in a long time. Usually I just order food from different food chains or go to fancy restaurants with important business men or when I go on “dates” with other women, just to keep the facade of perfect me who is an amazing man of business wonders.
As I walk further from the aisle, my mind gives a signal to my eyes which then makes me catch a glance of ice cream in the refrigerator, making me stop in my tracks. Ice cream really looks good right now. I’ve heard that ice cream is really good for when you are sad or heartbroken and I’m pretty sure I need the help of ice cream to drown my misery.
Mint chocolate looks good. But coffee looks good as well. There shouldn’t be a reason why I can’t get both. I shudder as I open the glass door and grab the two tubes of ice cream, quickly shutting the door after.
I groan as I realize that I didn’t get a basket so that I can put the ice creams down because now my hands are going to be cold and numb. Whatever. I just need to find Joheeon.
I walk for a while roaming around trying to find Joheeon and trying to stop hating myself and finding ways to say “I’m sorry” to Kihyun.
By now I am getting frustrated and more depressed as I realize that I’m not leaving any time soon. Jooheon is the one brought me here and I’ve never taken the bus before and I didn’t bring my wallet to call a cab. Why I’m so distracted today? I groan again this time, sliding my phone out of my pocket and dialing Joheeon. I should of done this in the beginning.
I let the ringer ring for a couple of seconds before I let it die. He must of left his phone on silent. Typical of him. I roll my eyes.
The last thing I need is to have no communication with Joheeon. I’m fucking tired of chasing after him when he clearly brought me here to relax. Apparently that is not working. What an amazing idea he had?
I chuckle hastily. I obediently let myself be influenced by his suggestion. If I wasn’t so out of it today I would of said no and instead went back to my apartment and order pizza from my favorite pizza restaurant.
I could feel the ice creams start to shed water, dripping water into my hands. In the last desperate attempt to find Joheeon before I leave to call a cab and just pay with my PayPal account, I find him in the fruits section with some guys.
I scrunch my nose, keeping my temper to a minimum, and walk over to them. Joheeon has a basket in his arm and he has a couple of bags with fruits already inside the basket.
I drop both the ice creams and hit his shoulder. “Really you left me to wander and look for you? What’s up with that.” Annoyed I look from him and to the other guys who are in front of us. “So not cool…” my voice falters once I notice Kihyun staring right back at me with shock. His lips are parted open and his eyes are surprised.
“Hello Mr. Son. It is a surprise to see you here.” Minhyuk bows down then Hyungwon does the same. I smile lightly and now down as well, lowering my eyes from them to the floor.
“I’m really tired. Can we go now?” I swallow my nervousness and impatiently fidget with my fingers.
“Actually I along with Minhyuk had the idea that you should take Kihyun to the milkshake restaurant right next to this store. Wouldn’t it be an amazing thing since you want to ask him about the consent shit,” Joheeon says his voice energetic at the beginning of the sentence and towards the end, he had his hand over his mouth to whisper the last sentence to me.
I am startled and Kihyun is mortified. His eyes are huge as well as I am. Take Kihyun to drink a milkshake? That sounds a lot like a mini date? I mentally scream. Like he is going to agree to such thing.
“Isn’t it late for a milkshake? It’s like seven in the afternoon,” I chuckle, folding my arms over my chest.
“Not really. The milkshake restaurant is open twenty four seven. Plus they make delicious pancakes fill with strawberries and blueberries,” Hyungwon adds, his voice annoying.
“I don’t mind going if Mr. Son doesn’t mind either,” Kihyun says, shyly. I can verily hear him but my ears are perked up.
“Sure,” I croak. Fuck. Now I sound like a weak as guy. Where is my facade now? Where is my stupid strong character right now?
“I’m going to kill you. Now give me money since you thought it was such a nice idea to leave my wallet at home,” I say in a low voice, forcing a fake smile on my face as the others watch me.
Joheeon hands me his credit card and I shove it on my pockets as fast as I can. Then I forcibly smile again at Hyungwon and Minhyuk and then escort Kihyun to the milkshake restaurant.
~~~
We had ordered two strawberry banana milkshakes a couple minutes ago. Typical. I know. But that was the only thing I had tried before plus I’m not really into milkshakes.
The place is, surprisingly, full. Only two tables are empty and that is because two couples left when we entered the restaurant. Kihyun chose to sit close to the restroom. I didn’t say anything since I was just about to say to him that it was gross to eat next to the restroom with an angry tone so instead I said nothing.
I check the room in awe. The room is noisy,people chatting, eating and a couple of them focused on their open laptops right in front of them.
“Have you came here before?” I ask, checking the time on my phone. I look up at him and place the phone next to the napkins.
Kihyun shakes his head. “Not really. Hyungwon just found about this place three weeks ago but he just told us last week. I don’t really like milkshakes. They really make nauseous.”
“That make us two,” I say. He says nothing, his hands glued to the table. He looks down at his hands, leaving me to stare at him.
I get a notification from my phone and I look at it, setting it back down with a thud.
Joheeon: just tell him. You’ll feel much better. 👍🏻😉
He’s irritating to no end. But he’s right. I should tell him. Worrying about whether I did sex with him without consent is eating me alive.
I swallow again and take a huge, deep breath. “Did I do something to you that night? I mean besides the years that I have been cruel to you.”
“What?” He gasps and looks up, almost bursting into tears. He shakes his head, his hand shakily rubbing his nose. “What do you mean?”
“Did I,” I screech, clearing my throat. “Did I ra…”
“Oh, god, no. You did not. The both times that I had sex with you were my choice. I deliberately chose to have sex with you. That doesn’t mean I don’t regret it.”
“You regret it?”
“Don’t you!” He asks me, his tears drying all over his face and neck. I take a napkin and clean his neck and cheeks leading to his eyes where I dab around the skin.
“If that makes you feel good, then yes. The only thing I regret is making you feel like you didn’t matter.” I take my hands off his face and wrap the napkins into a ball and place next to the napkin holder.
“What made you change your mind? Was it my body?” He asks me, with disgust in his face.
I sigh, laying my hands on the table as well. “It was the way I felt gentle towards you. That at the touch of my hand the first time we had sex made you repulse. It made me realize how bad I made you feel like you were worthless.”
“You were cruel,” he adds. “But your words didn’t break me.”
“Then what did?” I am so confused. How did my words not break him. I was cruel, a monster. I was a taker of suffering. I was the pain of the innocent.
“I cannot tell you,” he says, his words faltering around him, like every breath he takes is the road to his death.
“Why not? If I did something I need to know. I need to know if I am a monster. You can’t let me hanging, dangling from my thoughts of wonder.” I grab his arms and squeeze them. I can feel my eyes bloodshot and my blood fill with anger.
“I just can’t. Please let go,” he whimpers. I relax my arms and let go. I immediately shove them at the bottom of the table.
“Two banana and strawberry milkshakes. Enjoy,” the blonde hair girl with a braid waiter, places the glasses in front of us and then excuses herself.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize to him, laying my back to the chair and folding my arms in my pants.
“I need to go. I’m sorry. Just know that I didn’t regret that night in the hotel. Even if it was an hour with you under the grim light and the smell of our scent mingling, I saw the real you. I knew that for that hour that we spend together, you were not cruel but gentle.” Kihyun smiles at me, as genuine as he can, and leaves a five dollar bill in front of his milkshake.
I’m left confuse and dead inside. What have I done? I call the waiter back and ask for the check. I tell her that she can give these drinks to anybody who likes banana and strawberry milkshake. She gives me an apologetic smile and goes to fetch what I asked.
~~~
I’m in my spinning chair, my computer open to excel word, going over the budget, my head being supported by my hand and my other hand tapping a pencil to the desk when Kihyun walks in panting.
I’m about to open my mouth about not knocking before entering when he beats me to it. I straightened out in my chair and click the dash icon at the far right so that it disappears to the application at the bottom of the computer. “What is it, Kihyun? Slow down on your speech.”
“I, uh, have something to tell you?”
“I’m all ears.” I’m acting all cool on the outside but on the inside I am freaking out. It has been a week since our conversation and every time I see him I just want to keep asking him the same question I wake up and go to sleep with: what broke you?
“I’m pregnant,” he says below a whisper. I try to force my ear to hear better but I cannot hear him still. “Can you say it again?”
“Um,” he says, biting his lip and taking a small, square paper out. He hands me the paper and I take it from him.
I inspect it but I can’t seem to decipher what this means. I frown, trying to understand what this means. Right in front of my eyes, an ultrasound is staring back at me, three size peanuts are evident. “What is all of this?”
“I’m pregnant with triplets. Your triplets.”
“What?” I say, my energy draining and before my eyes, my future invades my conscience.
A/N: So long since I have updated. I know I keep apologizing for not updating but school is really my main priority at this moment of course, you can’t forget my insecurities that didn’t let me write as fast as I could. But all of this things are not preventing me from doing all the favors you ask me. I’m not giving up and I owe it to you, the ones who requested their stories and I am not going to disappoint you. I am glad you pick me as the writer who you want your story come to life. ily @greenappleisme.
-Laterz Kelsi.
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