Array
(
[text] =>
I’m Not that Cruel Pt. 24
After Kihyun had checked Shownu’s hand over and over, and after deciding that it was fine, Kihyun slapped Shownu on his better hand and scolded him.
“So the first thing you do after I’m gone is to hurt yourself?”
Shownu closed his eyes and lightly smile. “I don’t deserve you.”
He had wrapped his hands around Kihyun’s leg like his life depended on gripping as hard as he could; as if he let go Kihyun would disappear for ever.
“That doesn’t mean that you have to inflict pain into yourself.” Kihyun’s voice sounded horrified, his eyes filled with concern, his gaze never leaving Shownu’s side.
It wasn’t fair that Kihyun was still nice after all the shitty things Shownu had done. He had expected for Kihyun to slap him, to shout at him for lying to him. But how does he explain Leticia and his past without breaking down.
He felt vulnerable like he was in the operating room and the doctors were inspecting his organs. But instead it was Kihyun inspecting his face. Every inch was touch by Kihyun’s fingers. He caressed Shownu’s eyes and his nose. And when he was done he pressed Shownu’s cheek on his belly. “What are you going to tell your kids, huh?”
“I’m sorry.” He had been punched in the gut. He was guilty. It was his fault for causing such havoc. He had tried so hard to guard his lover from his past but it only made it worse. How could be make it better?
“Please, forgive me.” Shownu grippint Kihyun by his hands. He needed to feel like he wasn’t dreaming. That Kihyun was here in front of him, giving him a second chance. “I never intended to hurt any of you.”
“Explain everything to me. Don’t leave anything out,” Kihyun said. He was drenched in tears. Shownu wiped them away with his thumbs.” I’m sorry,” Shownu said again. No number of apologies would mend the hurt that he caused on his lover.
~~~
Minhyuk had left with Hyungwon to give them some privacy. The outdoor diner was deserted. Although it was a popular place to go to there was no one besides him and Shownu.
“Did you send all the people away?”
Shownu sat next to him, this time on a chair. He could tell Shownu was nervous. He was bouncing his leg up and down and his hands, gripping Kihyun’s, was a little bit too forceful. It didn’t hurt Kihyun, so he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want Shownu to stress even more.
“Did I fuck up again? I only told them I need this place for an hour.”
“I appreciate.” Kihyun looked hard at Shownu. Not seeing him for a couple of days had changed a lot in Shownu. He was growing a beard and his eyes were swollen. Shownu rarely wore simple clothes, always in suits and his hair kept nice and neat.
There was a stain at the bottom of his white shirt and his hand was filled with bandages. Kihyun chuckled. The bandages were all placed wrong and the sticky parts were touching the injured areas. “Don’t tell me Hyungwon bandaged you up?”
“He couldn’t find anything to wrap up my hand so he sticked me up and called it a good day.”
“He has been really nice to you. Always telling me to wait for your explanation rather than pushing you out and leaving you.”
“You wanted to leave me?” The question came out as a whisper. Kihyun sighed.
“There was a brief moment when I did. I wanted to leave everything behind and start somewhere new.”
After going back to the place where he used to live before he moved out on his own, he couldn’t stand sitting there and not doing nothing. He had been in a dark place a few years ago. He didn’t leave Minhyuk’s place for months in fear that he would endanger himself.
His life had changed so much. Not only because he was pregnant with triplets, but because he had found a companion in Shownu. Despite not knowing Shownu’s past, Kihyun still found himself understanding Shownu and their conversations where they both could talk for hours and they would never get bored. Shownu, little by little expressed himself. His true mannerisms came out.
Kihyun had never seen Shownu so vulnerable, so human. And he understood why Shownu kept quiet about his life seeing as he hated his own past life and would never want to discuss it again. To him, ever since he graduated high school, Minhyuk and Hyungwon were his only family.
“I thought for a second of what this would lead to. How your lying would impact the lives of our children,” Kihyun said, looking away from Shownu to stare at the passing cars. “I didn’t want to be involved with another family. I am done with family drama.”
“My son.”
Kihyun sharply looked back. He has a son? “How old is he?”
“My son died before he was born. I was a teenager. Leticia was my girlfriend at that time. She was due in two months when she began to bleed profoundly,” Shownu said, his voice cracking. His hand was still on Kihyun. The grip comforted Kihyun. He was being honest.
“It was due to stress. There was something wrong and the doctors couldn’t save the baby. It was her or the baby. And I couldn’t-“
“It’s okay. You don’t have to relive that moment,” Kihyun said, breaking the grip so that he could rub Shownu’s hand.
“I chose Leticia. She hated me for a while and I did too. I had lost everything. I killed my mother and sister and now I had killed my own son.”
Kihyun pulled Shownu into a hug. Immediately upon contact Shownu let his guard down. His cries penetrated Kihyun’s heart. Shownu has been carrying this guilt for so long. His emotions had been shut down. Everyone knew that Shownu’s father was horrible. If they were scared of Shownu, Mr. Son was someone to fear.
“I’m here. Take your time,” Kihyun whispered.
After recollecting himself Shownu told Kihyun his past. He told Kihyun about his accident that killed his mother and sister. How his father blamed him for their deaths despite telling him to drive when he didn’t know how. He also told him how his relationship with Leticia was based on survival and how they both thought they were in love. And lastly how dead he felt inside after he had to move on and take over his father’s company.
“I was too cruel. I didn’t care about anyone. My goal was to crushed my father’s company. I wanted to die,” Shownu said.
Kihyun groaned. He sneaked his hand below his belly to steady his pain. If he pressed enough the pain would cease. “This is not your fault, Shownu. Your father turned you into someone who didn’t want to love.”
“I don’t deserve you. I caused you pain again and again. All of these months you doubted me. Probably felt disgusted by my behavior” Shownu ran a hand through his hair.
“I wasn’t in pain. These months had been wonderful.”
“Don’t lie to yourself, ” Shownu said, his voice turning louder, almost to a shout.
“I didn’t want to believe that you had a secret. I wanted to deceive my mind. To find a reason for the sonogram.”
“I wanted to get rid of his things. I had them for so long with me. I know it’s not healthy. It was the only thing preventing me from-“
“You have me now. You have your kids now,” Kihyun said. He grabbed Shownu by the head and pressed their noses together. “You have me. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to runaway. I am monster and my past could cause you pain. I am already causing you pain.” Shownu chuckled, the faint stubble on his face tickling Kihyun.
“Your past would never compete with the you of now. You are are survivor. You did what you had to do.”
Slow, tenderly, Kihyun pressed his lips on Shownu. Shownu responded back. It was slow and painful. They had been hurting in silence that they could not see each other’s pain. On another time Kihyun will tell Shownu about his own past.
“You’re not miserable because of me?”
Kihyun shook his head. He was never miserable. He was only afraid of losing a man that had entered his life to make it colorful and interesting. He was afraid of losing to the dark side. “I am in love with the tender you.”
“You make me a better person. I want to be soft. I want to not be cruel. Better than my father,” Shownu said. He smiled, that smile Kihyun had grown to adore.
The pain increased. The pressure wasn’t working. Instead it made it worse. To hide the pain he bit his lip. He was able to hide the pain from Minhyuk but it was of no use at the moment.
He bursted out in a scream and held his body weight on the table. He grasped himself to steady the pain. He couldn’t breath.
“What’s wrong?” Shownu scrambled from his chair and went by his side. “What’s hurting?”
“I don’t know. It’s hurt so bad, ” Kihyun said. He couldn’t locate the pain anymore. Everything hurt. He can’t lose the kids. He can’t do this to Shownu. He can’t do this to himself. He won’t live if his kids can’t live.
“Hold on.” Before Kihyun could sit down on the chair, Shownu grabbed him and they began to walk.
“Minhyuk!Hyungwon!”
Kihyun felt himself walk slower. Each step hurt. He wanted to lie down. “Shit!”
“Somebody help!” Shownu tried to carry him but his weight was too heavy for Shownu to carry.
“I had to forget my phone with Hyungwon,” Shownu cursed under his lips.
Kihyun tried to respond but he couldn’t keep his eyes from staying open. His eyes felt heavy and his legs lightweight.
Before he closed his eyes he saw Minhyuk running up to them. He reached his arm but the sleepiness won over and he was lost to the darkness.
~~~
Super long wait. Only two more parts and this fanfic will be done. Thanks for the wait.
[text_hash] => c6272860
)