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I’m Not that Cruel Part 25
“When did Leticia come back into your life?”
“I hadn’t seen her in years. I met her a few weeks ago,” Shownu responded. He was candid as he could be. If Kihyun wanted to know every little detail about his relationship with her, he would tell him everything.
“Why did she come back?”
“Her marriage is falling apart. She thought we could get back together.”
It had been years since he had last seen her. So many things have changed. He had changed in so many ways. Not only had he been left hurt to toughen up by not caring about the people around him, he had also been forced to grow up for the sake of his father. None of this was Leticia’s fault. Everything had been his father’s fault but there had been a rage inside Shownu when he saw Leticia show up at his work while Kihyun was at home.
Now that Shownu was seating facing Kihyun, he could see the tiredness of his face. His face had dropped when Shownu mentioned Leticia and the times they had met. Shownu concealed the times he met with Leticia because he didn’t want his past to be in his present anymore.
Leticia will always be a part of his old life and permitting her to be in his life once again was like letting his old persona back. When she left he had no soul. There was nothing that was holding him back. If people hated him he didn’t mind. He hated himself too.
It was until he saw Kihyun as a person. That was so fucked up to say. It was not that he didn’t see him as human, it was that he didn’t care about feelings. If he didn’t care about himself, if he lived or die, why would he care about anyone else. Everyone just wanted something out of him until he met Kihyun who didn’t want nothing him but his true self.
“Keeping her a secret only it made it worse,” Kihyun said with seriousness. He didn’t look straight at Shownu. “I really though you were going to leave me.”
“Not possible.” Shownu shook his head. He wanted to bang his head on this table. He had been so stupid to think what he was doing was right.
“Your secrets didn’t make it any better.”
“I thought you would flee from me if you found out about my past. I was monster. To you and everyone else,” Shownu said in defeat. He was letting go of his fears. Of the vulnerable side that he detested with all his heart.
“We all have a past. You’re not the only monster here,” Kihyun said. His voice dropped.
Shownu creased his eyebrows. “But you’re not. You’re the best thing that happened to me.” He wanted to chuckle. Never in a million years would he ever think of Kihyun as a monster. He was anything but that.
“And you don’t think you are for me as well.”
“I have trouble believing that.”
There was a slight pause. Before Shownu could say anything else, Kihyun took his phone out and for a few seconds he went through his phone. It wasn’t long before Kihyun stopped scrolling and turned his phone over so that Shownu could see what was in the screen.
It was of him sleeping on the floor with wood material all around him. The day he was constructing the cribs for their triplets. “You were so exhausted after finishing the cribs. You never complained and even before you could properly take a good nap, you made dinner for me.”
“I don’t understand-“
“That took hours. You were there for hours,” Kihyun said with a pleading voice as if he wanted to make Shownu understand something he was not understanding. “No one has ever done anything like that for me. Or wanting for me to be comfortable and do nothing. Even when you were mean you still were caring.”
“I was so horrible to you. I despise myself for everything I did to you.” There were times where he wished he could turn time and slap himself on the face every time he cursed and belittled an employee. He understood now that just because he was in pain didn’t mean anyone else had to be too.
“It wasn’t always bad. Despite your rude behavior, I caught several cracks of your crude persona.”
“If that was the case I would not be called a psychopath.” Shownu laughed with an intense hatred for his past. If there had been people next to them in the restaurant he would’ve definitely gotten weird stares.
He couldn’t stop laughing. It wasn’t funny. Not at all. He wasn’t laughing at Kihyun or at what he had said. He was laughing at himself. He was a loser who thought he could be above anyone else for suppressing his emotions and not caring his actions had consequences.
Kihyun stood quiet until Shownu’s laugh subsided to quiet sobs. He bowed his head and sniffed.
“There had been one time, ” Kihyun continued as if Shownu’s mental breakdown had not happened. “when I was getting bullied by this other employee. He was pulling my tie and trying to kiss my neck. I think at that time you knew I was gay because they guy wouldn’t stop tormenting me about it.”
At this encounter Shownu looked up. He had forgotten about that incident. He hated that guy with a passion. So cocky and pretentious. Shownu hated guys who gossiped to others about their scores in bed. It was one thing to be mean and another thing to be disgusting.
“Did he ever contacted you again?”
“No.” Kihyun shook his head. “I was so scared that he was going to succeed when you pulled him off and beat him until someone else came to stop you. A week later he was gone.”
“The things he was saying, I could not stand to listen any longer. I didn’t think he was actually trying to molest you. I was passing by when I saw the incident. I wanted to murder him right there and there,” Shownu said, his blood boiling.
“I knew right then you were not cruel. If you were you would’ve not help me.”
With slow caution, Kihyun rose from his chair and sat on Shownu’s lap. Shownu secured Kihyun and kissed him on the lips. “I think I was falling in love with you back then.”
“Oh, yes you were. You didn’t ask anyone else to have sex with you, didn’t you?”
Through his sobs, Shownu chuckled. “The thought of seeing my employees naked makes me shudder.”
“So seeing Joheeon naked doesn’t shake you up inside?” Kihyun erupted in laughter at Shownu’s scrunching nose.
He would rather eat his cooking than think of his best friend like that.
Gosh, he missed Kihyun so much. Blush appeared in Kihyun’s face and his mouth was turn up. Kihyun’s eyes gleamed with life and it pained Shownu to have ever caused his lover pain. He had been too focused on wanting to keep him in his life that he hadn’t realized he was slowly loosing him.
“I’m glad you don’t hate me,” Shownu said, hating that he had to ruin their good mood.
“Hating you wouldn’t do me any good. I would be too miserable and our children would be too.”
“No matter what happens I would never leave them. This family is the best thing that has happened to me.”
~~~
“I cancelled all your meetings.” Shownu looked up from his chair.
It had been an hour since Kihyun had gone into surgery. He wanted to be there for the birth but the doctors had assured him that it would be best if he wasn’t there. This was an emergency surgery and it would cause too much trouble for Kihyun if Shownu was there in the room.
“Did you send all the employees home?” He had a third cup of coffee in his hands. He had currently sent Hyungwoon to bring him another one from the cafeteria.
“Everyone was confused as to why they left early but they understood and now they have a free day to themselves.”
Joheeon sat next to Shownu and squeezed his shoulder. If it wasn’t for his best friend his life would fall apart. Without his lover his life would cease to be. He hadn’t been to a hospital ever since the miscarriage of Leticia and the day of his mother and sister’s death.
If it wasn’t for the white plastic cup full of coffee he would’ve crushed the cup to get rid of his frustration. There wasn’t anything else to do but wait. Wait for hours, for the stretching of the clock. People walked in and walked out. The man who sat behind him had just left when Hyungwon had walked back to get Shownu his coffee.
He took a chug of his almost cold coffee and this time crumbled it. Tiredness slowly crept into his muscles. During the times he let his mind slip into nothingness, his eyes almost gave in into sleep. The sound of nurses coming in and out from rooms woke him up every single time.
The beeper in his thigh stood silent. It once beeped to alert him that Kihyun was doing good. Since then it had not beeped. “I have a blanket if you want to sleep in my car. I’ll alert you if there’s any news.” Jooheon fished into his pockets to take his keys out, but before he could give them to Shownu, he was stopped.
“I can’t sleep without knowing he’s going to be okay,” Shownu said. There was no way he will leave this hospital without his family.
Joheeon dropped his keys back into his pockets and sat back down. He slipped his beanie off and laid it on his lap. His hair was growing back like it first did when Shownu first met him in college. He was a lanky kid with green hair. His dimples annoyed him during their first class together. But now that Joheeon smiled at him with a sympathetic concern, Shownu was grateful for the dimples.
“Is there any updates?”
“None,” Shownu said. He looked at the beeper again. No message at all. ” It’s almost going to be two hours.”
“Give it some time. It’ll beep again,” Joheeon reassured him. Shownu nodded, half believing it and the other half of him dreading the worse.
“So Minhyuk just called me to let you know that he’s bringing the diaper bags and other stuff he couldn’t get from your house,” Hyungwon said. His voice boomed on the walls, alerting of his presence before he could be seen in the room.
A few seconds later he is right in front of Shownu and Joheeon with Shownu’s coffee and a blue teddy bear on his left arm. “Thank you.” With all the craziness, Shownu had forgotten about the diaper bags.
“No worries. We know your mind is not here right now.” Hyungwon sat down on the opposite of Shownu so that Shownu was in between his friends. Surprisingly with all of this chaos, he looked the most well kept of all of them. His suit was crispy tight and his tie with no wrinkle in sight.
“How are you so relaxed? Between you and Minhyuk I would expect you to be crying on the floor right now,” Joheeon said.
“I trust that my friend will be alright. Besides I can’t be seen like a madmen if I want to see my godchildren,” Hyungwon said.
“I hope I didn’t offend you,” Joheeon said with amusement in his face. There was never a dull moment with Hyungwon.
“None taken,” He said. ” Anyways, contrary to me not taking offense. You, my dear clueless friend, ” Hyungwon said, turning to Shownu,” should. You should be getting ready before your kids see you. First impressions are important.”
“They won’t even care.”
“Oh, but they will. When I tell them that their father was sweaty and a mess, they will not like the sound of that.”
Joheeon erupted in laughter. “They will definitely won’t.”
Hyungwon eyed him. “C’mon.” He tugged Shownu on the shoulder. “Minhyuk is on his way with clothes. Don’t worry we tried our best to find the perfect clothes for the occasion.”
~~~
“I don’t think Kihyun will be impressed with this sweater.”
Hyungwon rolled his eyes. They were in the men’s bathroom. He was looking at himself in the mirror while Hyungwon looked through the shopping bag. “I can just wear that white shirt.”
“No.” His hand was slapped by the pouty boy. “This sweater will make them believe that their father is soft.”
“So I am not soft?” Well that was not a word that he would ever describe himself. The shirt did not give him soft vibes. He was buff guy with sweater filled with green looking grass feeling. The green sweater reminded him of those ugly Christmas sweaters. Shownu made a face.
The mirror did not lie. This was not the place to wear something like this.
“That something that I can not answer,” Hyungwon said. He pulled the sweater and nodded his head in approval. “Kihyun is going to definitely love it. “
“I can’t believe Minhyuk chose this for me. Is he letting his guard down?” He itched to roll the sleeves up. The heaviness of the fabric combined with the sweat of his anxiety was not a good combination.
“I guess we are all letting our guard down. I mean I am in the restroom with my boss helping him look as best as he could for his family. It doesn’t get any better than this.”
“About that. I would like to apologize for my behavior,” Shownu said.
“Don’t worry about it. As long as you realize your ways were wrong and hurting others than the past shouldn’t be able to haunt you. You’re a really cool guy.” He bumped his elbow with Shownu and smiled big.
“You’re not bad yourself.”
Hearing this coming from Hyungwon made him feel better. Besides hurting Kihyun, he was horrible to anyone else that wasn’t his best friend Joheeon. He didn’t care about anyone else so if he acted horrible there wasn’t anything that would make him realize it without having to break him down. And he had promised himself years ago that no one would break him to the point of baring him naked.
Until Kihyun. His love. Being in this room not knowing how was Kihyun was doing was slowly killing him. He tried to distract himself by talking to Hyungwon but his heart kept tugging at him. His heart kept reminding him that he shouldn’t be relaxing until the surgery was over, until he could wrap his arms around his children.
Shownu turned on the faucet and let the water run on his hands. The water was cold and the refreshing of the coldness got him to focus on his breathing.
“I know my best friend. He’s a fighter. He wanted a family to love him so bad. He is getting it right now so I know that he’s not going to let his future slip away from that,” Hyungwon said, his voice transforming into serious guy.
“If he leaves me I don’t think I can stay here.”
“He won’t.” Hyungwon yank paper from the paper machine and handed them to Shownu. He took the paper and dried his hands trying his best to not let his tears fall.
“How are you so sure?”
“He told me you went through so much shit like he did. He never told us the full details but I know it would be so fucked up if there was one more fucked up thing to add to the list of miseries.”
“Everything I touch turns to nothing. I don’t deserve him.” He wanted to scream. Shownu dropped the damp crumbled paper into the counter.
Each stall was empty which he was thankful for. Using this excuse he hit the wall with his hands until his skin was raw and red. “I deserve this.”
“Stop it. “
“I don’t want him to-“
“He is not going to die.” Hyungwon shook him on the shoulders. “Get it together boss.”
“I just have this feeling-” he was cut off once again, this time by Hyungwon lightly slapping him on the face.
“He is going to be fine. You are going to hold your children and he will be happily ever after marrying you.” Hyungwon pointed his finger to emphasize each point.
“I needed that.” The slap broke him of his anxious cloud. He needed to be stronger for his family. He couldn’t crumble down when Kihyun needed him to be the one in charge and take care of them while he recovered.
The door opened and Minhyuk strolled in. To not show that he was crying, Shownu quickly wiped his tears on the back of his hand.
“Kihyun is okay. The doctors are looking for you,” Minhyuk said. He looked like he had ran a marathon.
“Where?”
“In the main lobby.”
Without saying anything, Shownu sprinted.
~~~
One more chapter and thus fanfic is complete. Sorry for the long wait. I had finals and work. I’m excited to finish this so I can edit my other fabrics. ❤️ thank you for staying until the end. Much appreciated.
“If my father asks for me don’t reply. I will be resigning soon.”
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