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I’m Not that Cruel *Part 23
The restaurant was situated not far from where they work. A breeze passed through his sweater and a chill formed throughout his body, alerting Kihyun from his current pain. The pain came and went, and although he wanted to tell Minhyuk that he was hurting, he didn’t want to ruin their moment together. He hadn’t hang out with his friends in a long while, so he hoped their time together will help somewhat alleviate his pain.
Kihyun had been contemplating whether to respond to Shownu’s messages. His phone wasn’t blowing up anymore and it now felt empty. The missed calls and unopened messages felt as if he had been gone for long. Kihyun had thought that by ignoring Shownu’s calls he could forget about the sonogram and the lying.
Kihyun took a sugar packet out of the basket and began pouring into the tip of his fingers. The sonogram was still in his pocket. He had never thrown it out, the feeling of having the sonogram away from him would signify that this wasn’t happening. That Shownu had never trusted him enough to tell him about his past. That he wasn’t-
“You were really quiet on the drive over here. Are you thinking about responding to Shownu?” Minhyuk took his sunglasses off and put them in the table. His eyes were narrowed and he kept looking at Kihyun with concern.
“I don’t know if I should.” The contents that were on his finger slipped and spilled on the table. Kihyun wanted to throw those contents with the swipe of his hand but he remained in tact. There were of no concern.
“I’m concerned about your children,” Minhyuk said. His voice got deeper and his stance serious like when he is at work. “Will he be in the lives of the children?”
” I want him too. I can’t do this on my own,” Kihyun said, the though of the future darkening and turning sad.
“This is your chance to talk to him, Kihyun. No matter what happens, your children come first.”
” I know, I know. But the thought of him cheating on me or having another life irks me,” Kihyun said. He stomped the sugar particles with his hand. ” how stupid was I to believe he would change. Was I joke?”
“You’re not a joke, Kihyun,” Minhyuk said, edging his chair closer to Kihyun.
Kihyun looked down, unable to look at his best friend. The knot on his throat was forming while his patience was wearing thin. His own patience and his indecisiveness were like his time living on that apartment that had nothing of him. He was only living there as a stranger to the home, a visitor.
But he had a found a home in Shownu, and he wasn’t a stranger to the walls, to the smells of the kitchen, and to the warmth of the bed. He was becoming an owner to that place, to Shownu. Apparently.
What happened?
“Look,” Minhyuk said, with the tone of voice that he would use when a friend needed a scolding of love and of self appreciation. “Shownu was a horrible boss, and everyone feared him and he was the laughing stock, you know that.
I worked with him for so long that I never saw him smile, talk to me as a person rather than a coworker, or ever saw him come into work with the presence of a human being.”
Minhyuk caressed Kihyun’s belly. Such effort turned the key to Kihyun’s patience well and slowly it began to travel to his face, the tears finally escaping the pressure.
“You are the best thing that happened to him. And him to you. You were both not living. Don’t pretend I didn’t see you wasting away your life watching TV shows and sleeping.
I want you to know that Shownu loves you, you can see it in his countenance, his demeanor, his affection toward us now. He’s not super nice but he’s not like before. I think he see us inside his bubble now.”
“But why this? I don’t think he meant what he said,” Kihyun said. It was hard to know Shownu’s intentions. Shownu was changing, indeed, Kihyun could feel it in his body.
“He’s self sabotaging himself. I don’t know what happened to him but I think he didn’t want to let you in all the way. I know he had a hard life and based on his relationship with Mr. Son, it had to do something with him.”
“He never really told me about his life. He never talks about his family, about his past. I don’t either so that’s why I didn’t question him,” Kihyun said.
“I understood that part,” he said to himself in a whisper. Kihyun’s past was shit so he could understand that part. The part of not wanting anyone else to know how dark your life is, some parts that can make someone run away to never come back.
“I’m not mad that he has a kid somewhere, or that maybe his son’s mother is still actively in his life,” Kihyun continue, this time with a sense of lostness. ” I don’t get why he wouldn’t tell me about his past. Why does he have to hide this from me. Does he not trust me or believe that I’m not worthy enough to know about his past?”
Before Minhyuk could respond the waiter arrived and took their order. Kihyun used this time to recollect himself thought wise and to check his phone. It wasn’t blowing up anymore and the only text message that he got was from Hyungwon who had sent a picture of him drinking apple juice with the message: when are you coming back?
With a pang, Kihyun quickly replied. He missed being at work too and spending time gossiping with others. It was the highlight of his day but now he was the one being gossiped about. Minhyuk and Hyungwon tried their best to conceal the gossip from him but it was impossible. He had most of his coworkers on his social media so he definitely knew about the two-faced people and those who were genuinely caring about Kihyun’s whereabouts.
The waiter had left two glasses of water before he left. He wondered what the waiter thought about his belly. He had not given him a weird look or anything unusual than the casual boring look.
He didn’t want to admit it but since he had not left the house for months, Kihyun had forgotten that to the rest of the world he was not normal. He was glad that the waiter didn’t start a fit about him being pregnant . Kihyun needed more rest than stress. The waiter’s uninterested poker face got him in a better mood and a reason to allow himself to rest before having to decide how we was going to talk to Shownu again.
“I don’t even remember the last time I came outside to relax,” Kihyun said. He had realized that he had been so caught up with Shownu’s secret that he had not enjoyed pregnancy, not that it was fun, because it wasn’t.
“Shownu never took you out?” The question came out as a surprise and a realization.
These kind of questions were rare and the fact that it was asked had surprised both of them. Shownu was the topic of their confused questions rather than their topic of endearment for simply being Kihyun’s boyfriend.
Kihyun moved his head to disagree, his bangs straying away from his eyes. “He has. For most of the time I constantly said no. I was afraid of being ridiculed.”
“By people or by him?”
“What kind of question is that?” Kihyun asked. Shownu would never be ridiculed by his pregnancy and of their children. That he is certain of. “The people’s stares and the added stress of how I will be treated for bringing children into this world.”
“Don’t you think that my questions should be asked from someone else?” Minhyuk said. He took his phone out and gave Kihyun a gaze that he had never seen before. Minhyuk’s gaze was not intimidating or accusing, rather that of a shaman who wanted to open more into your deepest queries.
“What do you mean?”
~~~
Storming out of his father’s office was like the pulling of a brick that was holding that part that had been left from a broken home. If it the house had collapsed, it did not matter, because that one part was still up. One tiny piece was still there, everything was okay. Even if at any minute it would destroy completely the lies that you had added to the empty bricks that had no longer been there.
Once the lies were out so was the illusion that tiny piece could keep the entire house together. It was impossible.
Shownu, squatting down, while pressing his hands on his desk, screamed. He wanted to bang his head on the wood. He was so done with his father.
Instead of seeing him as his son, his father saw Shownu as a product of his winnings and achievements. Shownu didn’t know if he was an achievement for his father for being able to produce a male in society or an excuse to take care of every aspect of the company simply for being his father’s son. It didn’t matter what he was. He was not loved and that was the issue.
“I hate you.” Shownu lost his grip and fell flat on his back. He turned around and connected his fist to the carpet. Over and over again. “You piece of shit, I hate you.”
He had finally lost his father and he was in the brink of loosing Kihyun, if he had not lost him by now. He thought that by concealing his past life to Kihyun that he didn’t have to face it. He didn’t have to confess to Kihyun that he was a murder, that he was the cause for everything going wrong around his life. That he rather be seen as cruel than bane.
Everything that he did would eventually turn to dust. Wasted dust that piled itself on the dirtiest places where no human would ever lay eyes on. It was no different now. He had been foolish to think that this time he wouldn’t fuck up.
After a couple of hits to the ground, his knuckles became sore, and he could feel the skin braking and forming a barrier to protect him. This angered him even more.
Shownu wanted to feel pain for what he had caused. He deserved to be punched, kicked; he deserve the worst pain that no other human had went through. But here he was punching the carpet like a child to feel something other than hate.
It had been a while before someone came into his office and saw him on the floor with dried tears and a bruised knuckle. Shownu was wearing casual clothes and the grey shirt he was wearing was smeared with his own blood.
“Shownu!” His name was said with concern and informality.
He looked up to squint at Hyungwon running to kneel down to him and take Shownu’s knuckle on his hand. Shownu smiled. Hyungwoon had never addressed him by his name until now.
“What happened to you?”
“I punched the floor.”
“Okayyyy? Why?” Hyungwon sat on the floor, never letting go of Shownu’s hand. “Don’t tell me it was because you wanted to tell Kihyun that you got beat up so that he feels concerned for you?”
“You think he’ll come running if I do?”
“I can crack these knuckles if you want,” Hyungwon said. He glared at him down and pursed his lips.
“I wouldn’t cause him more harm than I already did,” Shownu said. He tried to get up but his arms turned to jelly. The knuckle that he had intentionally hurt was his dominant hand.
With a plop, he laid back down. “Do you need something from me?”
“I think it’s time that you talk to Kihyun before he gives birth.” Hyungwon pulled Shownu and sat him down. The process cracked Shownu’s back and he cried out in pain. “Is he in labor?”
“Not yet,” Hyungwon said. “But he will be if you don’t talk to him. Do you really want your kids to come when their parents are fighting and possible breaking up?”
“I would never let that happen.” Shownu frowned. His kids were not going to grow up without a father.
“Then stop hurting your body and go talk to your baby daddy. C’mon, before you break another hand and won’t be able to do anything.”
~~~
“If you wanted me to take you out to eat you could have asked,” Shownu said. His knuckles pulsed with the ardor of putting an antiseptic liquid to the wound to clean it. Except this ardor didn’t need to be cleaned.
“Don’t back down from the offer.” Hyungwon pointed at him to warn him just in case he broke his promise. “We’re not here to mingle; I have a surprise for you.”
Shownu raised his eyebrows in suspicion. ” What is it?”
“Ohh, you wait and see. Promise that you won’t run away?”
Hyungwon looked taller with his hands on the stirring wheel and his serious eyes. Shownu had never really noticed Hyungwon back at the office. Hyungwon was lanky and his loud voice stood out the most that the only way Shownu could tell he was there was his laughing.
Now seeing him up close he saw a man who cared about his friends. Hyungwon looked like a model from the runway and his playful persona made Shownu be at ease. Shownu had never been comfortable with any other person other than Jooheon and Kihyun.
“Where else can I go?” Shownu motioned to his hand that he had bandaged with some blue bandaids he had found in his office. His right hand was hurt real bad that he could not move a single finger unless he wanted to wince in pain.
“That’s right. You can’t drive,” Hyungwon said with a mock of a laughter. ” I have you as my prisoner.”
Before Shownu could complain Hyungwon got out and slammed the door.
“Asshole,” Shownu said under his breath. With his left hand he removed the seatbelt and got out, the slowest he had ever gotten out of a car.
Once outside, Hyungwon sported black sunglasses and was eyeing the restaurant. Shownu had been here before on a meeting with some vendors. He can’t say that he had any good flashbacks from this place. Vendors were at times hot-tempered and rude. He would bring vendors here to ease them with a drink and a reason for Shownu to drink his stress away.
“Follow me Boss,” Hyungwon said from a few feet in front of him. Shownu had lost himself in thought. He shook his head. He was getting irritated with Hyungwon. Since when was this lanky kid losing formality with him?
It wasn’t long before they turned to tables outside facing the cars passing by. The restaurant was situated not far from the office. This place was perfect to enjoy the sun and have some relaxing time off from life. The parking lot was behind the building that he had not noticed Kihyun sitting right across from where he was standing.
He had kept his head down the entire time they were walking that being caught looking vulnerable in front of Minhyuk and Kihyun provoked his ears to warm and turn red. He looked away to recover his posture.
When he turned his face to look at Kihyun, he was staring back at Shownu with teary eyes. His face was puffy and his mouth was chewing on something, perhaps out of nervousness.
Shownu gulped, holding back his muffles. He had missed Kihyun so much. Unable to resist the temptation to touch Kihyun, Shownu sprinted and knelt besides him. He ignored the stares from some of the other customers and laid his head on Kihyun’s lap.
“What happened to you hand?”
~~~
A couple of more parts left for this story to finish. I hope you enjoyed them so far.
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