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I’m Not that Cruel
The scrubs made the situation feel so real. It was happening. He was going to meet his children for the first time. He rubbed his hands on the blue plastic of his scrubs. His hands wouldn’t stop sweating.
Shownu tried to focus on his surroundings. It felt weird to be on the other side of the hospital. Nurses came in and out of the operating room. The glass window in front of was slightly tinted but he could still see the inside of the operating room. Kihyun was there. He could only see him lying there, opened to the doctor.
The nurses were getting him ready to go inside. They were telling him things that he could not comprehend. Medical jargon that jumbled into noises. He focused on the moving hands of the doctor. Loud talking. Beeping sounds. The smell of fear.
“We are ready when you are ready Mr. Son,” the nurse who brought him the scrubs said. She had her glasses secure behind her mask and was motioning with her hand to lead him inside the room.
“Is he awake?”
“Mr. Yoo is under anesthesia. He will wake up soon after surgery,” the nurse said, reassuring him that Kihyun was under great care. She send him a quick smile with her eyes before the door slid open and lead him to the table. ” This way.”
The room bore heavy seriousness. Every eye focused on the table and there was this silence that was hard to grasp. There was noise. The surgeon talked fast and importantly. His words were foreign and full of class as if he was the king of this room and only his people understood the law. The doctor smiled at him and asked him something.
Shownu blinked and placed his hands on his back. The room was bright in front of his vision yet dim around him. It was fucking up his concentration.
“Do you want to cut the cord?”
~~~
“You seriously passed out after cutting the cord?” Hyungwon laughed. Wonho was behind him, sitting on a brown leather single sofa while Hyungwon sat on the arm of the sofa.
Shownu squinted. He let his arm lay on top of his eyelids. It was a for a moment that he had saw nothing. No recollection. No memory of cutting anything, or the first moment of seeing one of his children. He was bummed, beyond mad at himself.
“Where am I?” He knew he was lying down on something. He was still wearing his normal clothes minus the scrubs. His other hand touched rough fabric. The side of his arm touched something cold which indicated that he was on a hospital bed. “Where is Kihyun? The triplets?”
“Kihyun is on the bed next to you watching you freak out.”
“I need to see him.” He twisted his body to look at Kihyun. He was indeed next to him on his own hospital bed. Kihyun’s forehead looked damp, the ends sticking out in all directions. His head was prompted above three pillows and his hands were by his belly that was now swollen.
“I am okay, Shownu. Don’t worry about me right now.”
“He needs me,” Shownu protested. It took all of his strength not to swap Minhyuk’s hands away from him.
Minhyuk’s hands pushed him back on the bed a little too forcefully. Shownu’s body reacted before his mind began to foster the reality of the situation. He was supposed to be holding Kihyun’s hand giving him all the warmth and comfort after having a difficult surgery. Instead he was lying down in a bed useless.
“Minhyuk, if you don’t let me go I am going to fire you.”
“You don’t even work there,” Minhyuk said. Minhyuk held his grip on Shownu’s wrist with a glare he had never seen before. “Once you are clear from the doctor that you can get up then you can be beside Kihyun. “
Shownu depleted back to the bed in sorrow. He shut his eyes and forced the image of his past to the back of his brain. There was a weird sensation bubbling inside his insides. There was probably nervousness somewhere around his belly but he refused to acknowledge it. It was definitely a change. A weird change to have recognized after years of torture. He wasn’t in a hospital crying out of grief.
All of his memories of the hospital were about someone leaving, someone dying. Events that pushed his sanity to break into pieces. This time he was with people, with his lover, waiting for nurses to bring back their children.
This time everything felt weird, out of the ordinary. For so long he had been without anyone that he truly cared for. Joheeon had been his best friend and in a way counted as the person he loved the most, but it was not the same. Eventually Joheeon would meet the love of his life and he would have something else to focus on rather than trying to keep Shownu as a good person, which Shownu greatly appreciated.
He had thought that after the deaths of his family that he would forever be alone. He had not deserved anyone else in his life. Not the man next to him who had given birth to his kids. Not his laugh, his adoring face, his patience on tolerating such a monster like he had been. Shownu extended his hand to Kihyun and let it hang in the air. He wanted his lover’s comfort.
“I promise I would never keep a secret from you again. I promise I will be by your side and be the best person I could ever be for you,” Shownu said with sincerity. He pushed himself from the bed to sit and he leaned on Kihyun’s bed to lightly grab his hand.
Kihyun’s hand was taped with a needle so Shownu tried his best not to hurt him. He lightly rubbed his thumb and hoped that this action sent warmth to Kihyun. “I’m glad you never left,” Kihyun said. He gripped Shownu hard despite the needle.
“I would be a loser if I ever did.” Gosh, he wanted to kiss Kihyun so bad. He wanted to sooth his belly and to thank it for carrying their children.
The room had grown quiet. The beeping of Kihyun’s heart alerted the awkwardness that was slowly ensuing. It had been as if Shownu and Kihyun were alone so they had been free to say their sentimental vows. It had not occurred to Shownu that Minhyuk and Hyungwon were still in the room.
When Shownu broke his gaze from his lover to smile at Hyungwon, the door opened. Joheeon stared at all of them before saying,” Did something weird just happened?” He sat down on a spinning chair and looked at Shownu for an explanation.
“The next time you want to grab food take us with you, no?” Hyungwon said with a hint of annoyance.
“Why, what happened?” He still had a bag of fries.
“I think we witness them getting married,” Minhyuk said jokingly. At this comment everyone made a funny face. Since when did Minhyuk joked? Shownu thought. He said nothing, instead Hyungwon spoke with his famous complaining face. “I felt like I was violating their intimacy.” He shudder.
“Hyungwonnie, this is practice for when Wonho asks you out on a date,” Kihyun said.
“You’re going to totally talk like them.” Minhyuk giggled. “We know you like him.”
“It’s obvious,” Jooheon added.
“That is such a lie. I do not like him. He does not like me. You are all out of your minds.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes and folded his arms. There was a tiny tug at the bottom of his lip and Shownu found it adorable. He felt as if he could relax and be himself with them now. Without skipping a beat, he said, “Wonho is in love with you.”
“He does not,” he gasped.
“Hyungwon, do you want him to like you or not?”
He looked at Kihyun and pouted. “Yes.”
“Then?”
“But he’s so hot. A hot guy can’t really like me.” Hyungwon covered his face with his hands and exhaled so deeply it felt as if his world was collapsing.
Shownu inwardly chuckled. It was so vulnerable to see one of his employees be himself when Shownu had previously witness robotic movements when his presence was made to be known on the corridors of the office. Rare emotions ran through his mind.
“Look, if Shownu says Wonho likes you then he likes you,” Kihyun said. Slowly, Kihyun looked more relaxed. He had slowly sat up and smiled with a hint of satisfaction. The room was crowded, all of them were packed inside as if they were far away the room would fall apart.
“Isn’t that right, Shownu?” Kihyun turned to Shownu, his smile spreading wider. He looked for Shownu for approval like they both could read their minds and know what they mean.
“Definitely.” Shownu nodded and sat up right, now that he felt better and the dizziness had gone away. “I mean Wonho is an ass. He was hired to hurt me but he’s cool.”
“And you didn’t crush him?”
“I think it would be the opposite. Shownu doesn’t stand a chance.”
“Why are you defending him, Hyungwon? Do you want my children to be fatherless?”
“You are twisting my words?” Hyungwon raised his voice in disbelief and pointed his finger at Kihyun.
“Minhyuk, Hyungwon is threatening me!”
“Hyungwon, Kihyun just gave birth, be nice.”
Hyungwon raised from his feet with his mouth wide open. He placed his hand on his heart and pretended to faint.
“Not again,”Minhyuk said.
Shownu stared amused at this. Joheeon who was eating fries, finished the last one, and crumbled the bag. He threw it away and then looked at Shownu briefly to make sure he was amused as well.
Shownu nodded in agreement. There had been this side of the three friends that was really interesting. The dynamic of their friendship sent tingling bursts of envy. How wonderful it would be to have such friendship. Shownu loved Kihyun for that. For introducing him to this kind of lifestyle. He would vow to keep Kihyun with this kind of environment, full of life and vivid memories.
~~~
The triplets slept in their own separate cribs while Kihyun rested on the blue couch Shownu had placed right beside door. He laid with three pillows behind his head and a light cozy blanket over his feet. It had been three days since he had come back to this house.
So much had changed since he had stormed off angry. Kihyun, once he had set foot on Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s apartment, swore he would never go back to a place that he felt he did not belong. It had been so hard to fight his feelings of wanting to run back to Shownu.
He knew that there was more than just below the surface. He had to dive deep into the darkest places of Shownu’s motivations and decisions on keeping his past a secret. Secrets that Kihyun was no stranger too. There couldn’t be no denying that Kihyun had secrets that he never told anyone else. Not even his best friends. His friends never pushed for the truth and he had never felt the need to expose himself like that.
Yet there was this pull inside his of himself that reassured him that it was time to let go of that past. It didn’t threaten his relationship with Shownu as it had done so with Shownu’s past but had felt that feeling of not being completely honest with your partner. They hadn’t been honest with each other and how despite different temperaments, they still had a similar past that had destroyed their enjoyable parts of themselves.
However, unlike Kihyun, Shownu had not found two people like Kihyun’s friends that had tore him apart from the misery that had been seeping in through every corner of their life.
Kihyun was grateful for his two best friends. It wasn’t for them he wouldn’t be where he is now. At his lowest points of his life, they had saved him from loneliness. They had fought for him and helped him find a job at the office. He had no experience but Shownu and Joheeon had given him a chance even if some times the work was unbearable.
The sun slid down across the sky. There was enough light coming through the open window that Kihyun could still see his babies sleeping without the need of an artificial light.
Luckily for him his babies had not been crying the entire day. They slept a lot for a few hours which he was thankful for. He had heard of first time parents who could not sleep for the first few days because of the crying. Shownu had been very helpful by waking up and taking care of them while he slept longer.
There was a warm smile on his face. He felt his cheeks warm and content. He even closed his eyes for a bit to enjoy this moment. With his children in the same room as him, Shownu in the kitchen fixing him something light for him, Kihyun couldn’t help but think of the future. Was this their future, all of this their actual future?
Would they begin to be better people and not let their past define the persons they are today? Use their past as their excuse for shitty behavior. Kihyun hoped not. They had children now. Their honest relationship matter most out of anything else.
As if in cue, just as he was thinking of Shownu about asking him these questions, he appeared holding a white mug and a plate of small little sandwiches cut into perfect triangles. “I heard that this helps with not upsetting your stomach.”
“As long as it’s nothing greasy.” Kihyun took the mug from Shownu and placed it just above his blanket for support. “I can’t stand the smell still.”
“I’ll buy more vegetables tomorrow so that you don’t have to eat anything dealing with oil.” Shownu took a sandwich and bit into it, taking the entire bread into his mouth.
“Are you sure you don’t want to call for Minhyuk to bring us food? He knows this restaurant that makes really good food,” Kihyun suggested. He was starting to feel bad for Shownu for running around doing errands and taking care of their children while he sat on the couch and watch videos.
“He has done a lot for us already. I want to do this,” Shownu said with determination. ” There’s barely anything in the fridge. I threw so much that had gone to waste.”
Kihyun looked at Shownu intensely. His shirt hung loosely on his collarbone, displaying the frail of his bones and the malnourishment he had put himself through the time they were apart.
“Thank you for trying.” There was a pause in Shownu’s movements.
One of the cradles made a soft noise and they both looked at its direction. Their son, who moved more than his sisters when he slept, stared right back at them before he closed his eyes again. “I don’t want to fuck this up either, ” Kihyun said this in a whisper.
“Will you trust me to make this right?”
Kihyun drew in a breath. “As long as you let me be imperfect. To remind each other we are not perfect.”
“My past will haunt me again.”
“So will mine.”
Setting the mug on the table, Kihyun bit his lip.
“Then?” Shownu raised his eyebrow. “You’re willing to give us a try?”
Kihyun lightly smiled. He He pulled Shownu closer, despite the pain coming from his fresh wound, and pecked him on the lips. “I already did.”
~~~
Author’s note:
If you had read this story to the last part, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. This started as a one shot and from a reader’s mind. Although she is no longer reading this story, I still want to thank her for allowing me to write her idea. The story developed far from her imagination and created a story that I love and adore. I will soon edit this story and make it into its own book away from this one/shot book.
Thank you for your patience these last two years. Alas, this book is complete.
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