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I’m Not that Cruel Part 18
The car wasn’t so far off from his home. It was rather stationed at the gas station that was right before turning to the street where he lived. Every now and then Shownu would get gas before coming home. Today had been one of those days except he had regretted coming straight to the gas station instead of going straight to Kihyun.
Shownu saw the car pulled up as he got out to pay for his gas inside the store. Leticia has stayed back in the car and only getting out when he had approached his car again to fill his gas tank.
Back in the office he had been clear to Leticia he couldn’t keep meeting her whenever she wanted to discuss about their son. It was painful. He would never forget his first child, that room that he had made for his child was still intact, but it was time for them to move on. Leticia has a beautiful daughter now and he’s about to have three children of his own. He can’t keep dwelling in the past.
And quite frankly he doesn’t think it’s fair that he keeps lying to Kihyun about this. Shownu didn’t want to mesh his old life with his new life. It was easier to do this when Leticia was far away from him and living her own life.
Now she was here and she kept insisting to meet and talk about their past. It was so hard for him to say no. He had been in his life so long and at one point he had imagined that they would spend their lives together with their son. Yet reality happened.
It was time for Leticia to realize that.
“Why didn’t you answer my phone call?” Leticia stopped right in front of him. She was angry. Her white glasses were placed at the brink of her nose. She had done her eyeshadow a light pink. It reminded him of those times she would ask him to compliment her eyeshadow whichever the color it was.
Shownu smiled at the faint memory. They had been so close even before they had began dating. Who knew that in his mind she would not be the one to occupy that space that was designated for love. It was now occupied by Kihyun. At this moment Kihyun was all he was thinking about.
The car was filled with gas now. He briefly closed his eyes. This was good. The conversation wouldn’t take long.
“I was busy. I told you that.” Shownu put the pump back and closed the lid. He was trying to keep his cool. He didn’t like to be confronted with accusations that had nothing to do with him.
She laughed pushing her glasses to the top, right where he could see her eyes filled with pleading, fear, maybe. “What has gotten into you? This is not like you to ignore me. In the past…”
Shownu didn’t let her continue. He checked his watch. He was going to be late if he didn’t hurry things up.
“We’re not in the past anymore. Please refrain from interfering with my life.” He opened the door of his car.
There was hurt in her eyes. Leticia blinked a couple times as she tighten her throat. He had hurt her.
He wanted to reach her hand to let her know that he didn’t mean to sound harsh. But his persona now didn’t let him. He wasn’t a softy. He had hardened with time and he would be dammed if this moment changed it all around.
“I was your present last year. Despite what happened I was still present. I don’t believe you that I can be your past now. Not so sudden.”
“You’re not the only one that moved on.” Shownu gripped the door, his hand fading into the color of his car.
“Shownu, please. We have been in each other’s life for song. I can’t,” Leticia said, backing away as she looked away. ” No, I won’t you decide when we’ll stop being in each other’s life. I can’t let that happen.”
“The minute that you decided to leave me that was when we really left our lives. We’re just shadows of our young selves. The only thing that connects us is our son. And he’s gone, Leticia, you have to put that through your head. He’s dead!”
His mouth shivered. He covered his stomach, breathing in to let the tears stay inside his eyes. He said it. He finally said it. His son was dead.
“He’s never gone. He’s in our memory and if we don’t talk about him, he’s going to be gone forever.” Her mouth quiver, refusing to admit that Shownu was right.
The traffic turned slower with a few cars here and there. Perhaps the universe wanted this time to be filled with no noise. Shownu felt his world slowing down as if he had changed the speed from a youtube video to 75 percent slow motion.
Despite his calm posture, Shownu’s heart was racing. Not because he felt as if he was with his ex but because he was done with the past. He was moving forward and he only felt stuck in the past when Leticia would come back and remind him how awful his past was, how broken he was when he lost his son.
But with Kihyun he could see the future; three children running after him. He could feel it, taste it, envision it. Leticia was starting to turn into a bad omen. It hurt him to think of her this way because at one point in his life she was the most important person in his life after the death of his mother and sister.
This was what Leticia didn’t see. The memory of their son would never be gone. As long as they thought of him and talk to him when they were most vulnerable, their son would never be gone. He would always be there with their own children.
“He will never be gone and forcing ourselves to be together will never bring him back, especially when we don’t have feelings for each other.” Shownu wiped her tears with his thumb and gently smiled at her. “You have to let me go.”
Tears had moisten Shownu’s fingers wrapped around Leticia’s face. She closed her eyes, melting under his touch. She silently cried and immediately Shownu transported himself to the day that they had found out they had lost their baby.
It had been the day his dad slapped him and had ordered his men to teach him a lesson for not being able to stay a father. Somehow, to the nerve of Shownu, his father found about the death of his son in the most inhumane possible. He wanted to die right there in the spot. There had been no sympathy from his father, even the way his father delivered the news gave anyone else in the room anger. Here was a father delivering news of such a sensitive topic to hi son that only a doctor should give and his only thought was to punish Shownu for something that he had no control over.
What hurt the most was seeing Leticia, who had actually found out at the hospital, distraught. Her limbs turned jelly and even holding her, Shownu had felt she would disappear too. Shownu had lost so much in so little time that if it wasn’t for her he would have been resting along his family and son.
Shownu owes so much to her but not his love life. He’s pretty much sure he saved her life too but that didn’t mean that they have to be stuck together. Them saving each meant that they could venture into other lives outside of themselves and find new lives in other loves.
“Can I hold you for a second. Do you think I can keep you for a few more minutes?” Leticia said in a hurried voice. Her mouth was quivering and her hands wrapped around Shownu’s with ferocity.
A tear slipped from Shownu as he told her yes. Her grip was so affirming that their lives were about to uncross from each other in a way that meant their past would not conflict their future. A calmness wave crossed through Shownu, and a carrousel of images from his past circled past his vision and into his mind. He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to hers.
They had been together for the last time but he was ready to be with Kihyun. Their son had been their unity, and beyond that there was nothing else. This cycle of reviving their pain was toxic and Shownu knew it. Leticia knew it. They had to let the toxicity go.
Leticia smiled and let go of their grasp and wiped her tears away. Shownu did the same and could only muster to give her a weak smile. ” Protect Kihyun, okay? Don’t let your father ruined your life again.”
“Never again, ” Shownu said. He was more determined. He was a man now. No longer a child, and no longer under the grips of his father. His tactics don’t hold the same fear. Not with children in the way. If he had to be disown from his father, then so be it.
She laughed. ” Son Shownu no more secrets with Kihyun. He will be fine knowing your past. My only advice is that putting him off from you have endured and lived will distance him away from you. He deserves it.”
~~~
The last thing Leticia told him stung to him like bruises that refuse to heal. It had been thirty minutes since he came home. Sitting on the car while Shownu knew Kihyun was staring him through the window (that’s what Kihyun did when Shownu took long to get home) made him stay longer inside.
He dreaded going in and facing Kihyun after Leticia told him it wasn’t okay to keep his past a secret. He had never considered that not telling his past to Kihyun would be of bringing any bad consequences. Shownu was done talking about his father because even telling Kihyun about his father could potentially rotten what they have. One single mentioned of his father’s name and his life would crumble once again.
Leticia was right, though. Kihyun didn’t deserve to be in the hidden about his past and keeping him longer from knowing that Shownu was talking to his ex, sometimes swallowing the truth while looking at Kihyun, wasn’t okay. And he didn’t realize that until someone pointing out. Didn’t Kihyun said he didn’t want Shownu to stop being cruel to him? Perhaps he was still being cruel.
Oh how the times still don’t change.
~~~
Asshole.
Hyungwoon chanted this in his mind while he stomped to Minhyuk’s cubicle. Minhyuk moved cubicles once Kihyun took a leave of absence until his pregnancy was over. The trio had stopped being a trio to the sadness of him.
Minhyuk always told him that if his phone rang three times that meant that something was serious. And the dipshit didn’t get the memo. This was serious. Kihyun found out that what Shownu was hiding under that close door. He couldn’t believe it. His face was still in shock. And also mad. He was very mad.
The walk to Minhyuk’s cubicle only ten seconds but when you’re mad it takes a whole minute to even reach it. It was almost time to leave and some coworkers were getting ready to leave. not minhyuk apparently seeing as he doesn’t have his phone out with him.
‘Why does he have to be such a workaholic’ Hyungwoon swinged his arm in protest. He hated walking when you could talk on the phone instead. Besides if Minhyuk had picked up his phone they would’ve been done screaming from dismay.
“Minhyuk, you’re not going to believe this…oh… hello.”
Wonho was sitting on Minhyu’s desk, his hands moving something circular. Hyungwoon assumed it was a plastic ball. But he wasn’t going to stare longer. He didn’t want to become a pervert. That hand motion moved Wonho’s arm to flex hard that his veins were popping out.
“Have you seen Minhyuk?”
“I think if I knew were Minhyuk is I wouldn’t be sitting here. Hyungwoon, right?” Wonho dropped the ball looking thingy and fixed his suit.
Rude, Hyungwoon, thought. Instead of saying that, Hyungwoon said,” Mind you, I will wait here for him to come back.”
“None at all. Two makes for passing time rather quickly.” Wonho took a seat besides Hyungwoon. “You’re best friends with Minhyuk, and the guy who got knocked up by Shownu, right?”
“Maybe. “
“No one says his name yet he is talked so much. For someone with a temper I’m surprised he is letting the rumors continue. No one else besides you two know about his pregnancy…”
“And if you talk I will personally shut it with a kiss.” Let’s see if he’s disgusted by it.
There was an uproar of laughter and Wonho cracked his neck to look at Hyungwoon closely. “I came out of the closet at ten years old. You’re going to need to intimidate me in another way. But if you want to kiss me I will not object.”
While Wonho smirked, Hyungwoon was seething through his teeth. How dare he. The topic of kissing each other was not the problem because obviously he wanted to kiss Wonho now. It was his cockiness, and that confidence that needed to go away.
Where was Minhyuk now.
That asshole.
~~~
A/N:
I have no excuse other than covid lol
I had major writers block but yesterday I attempted to write this part and my fingers took over. I hope you enjoyed it.
-Laterz Kelsi.
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