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I’m Not that Cruel 19 *Showki
His heart pounded, every step mimicking the beat that his heart produced. Shownu knew soon he would have to talk to Kihyun about his past and he hoped it wouldn’t not have to be today.
The door resonated after he closed it. There was no sound coming from the kitchen or the living room. The drapes were shut and all the lights were out despite the day getting darker. The only thing producing light was the afternoon light peeking from the drapes.
Shownu slowly dropped his bag on the single couch besides the kitchen and went on a hunt to look for Kihyun. Usually Shownu found him sitting on the couch eating and watching TV, or on his phone. He sometimes felt bad for making Kihyun stay at home and not work. It was hard enough keeping the pregnancy a secret from his employees and run the chance of creating chaos without really knowing the fully story, and allowing Kihyun to stay would cause more than a ruckus. This would be the start of a bloody fight not only with his father, but with the investors of his father’s company.
Slowly, the memory of when he first bought this house surfaced like the memories of his dying mother and sister coming back once again when Leticia showed up again after years of not seeing her.
At that time he had been lonely. So bitter. Indeed the cruel boss the employees boasted about in secret. That had been what made him so different now and back then. He had not care a bit. Why would he? He had nothing to lose.
At the end of the day none of them would be with him at night. He didn’t know about their lives or who they were. Their gossip and their shared secret of his name were mere accessories, materials that were beneficial to the job but not a necessity. He could always replaced them.
But it was after he had stepped into the lives of Kihyun and those around him that he saw people with personalities and liveliness. It was so fucked up. Yet it had no effect on him whatsoever. It was that leap into a party he knew would change the atmosphere that he realized how deprived he was from human contact.
Jooheon had always been there. Knew what Shownu had been through. He understood him and rarely judged Shownu for the decisions he made, no matter how fucked up they were.
His heart raced his motions, demanding that he hurried up and opened the door. It was really quiet, his room giving the aura of stillness. No movements, no sound.
When he opened the door, Shownu was presented with darkness. Sheets on the bed were crumpled and the pillows thrown on the floor. Because the windows were closed, heat penetrated into his back, placing his shirt with dampness.
“Where else could he be?”
There was something twisting inside his gut, warning him that Kihyun wasn’t okay. It felt as if his world was crumbling down.
He checked their bathroom. Everything looked good, no presence of someone had just been there.
Did he go somewhere? But where. Kihyun doesn’t have a car. He can’t even walk without putting their children in danger. Kihyun wouldn’t put their kids in danger without first discussing anything with Shownu.
Slowly pressure climbed from his hands and into his temples almost making him see a white hazy cloud over his eyes.
No, he couldn’t have left. Shownu was sure of this. But there was still that possibility and he didn’t want to hesitate and act as quick as possible just in case he did leave. He wasn’t so much as scare that Kihyun would leave him. It was that he had fled in not so good conditions, possibly endangering both himself and the lives of their children.
‘What are you even talking about,’ he tells himself with some positivity that Kihyun did no such thing. He’s jumping into conclusions without calming himself down to realize how exaggerated they are.
With full certainty that Kihyun was not in their room, he shut the door and searched the other rooms.
They rarely ever went in there unless the helper came and semi clean those rooms. No one came so it didn’t matter if it was thoroughly clean.
He wasn’t in the second room either and this increased his adrenaline. And every time he opened a door his heart grew with a pain of not seeing him there.
‘Kihyun deserves to know.’ Leticia’s words echoed inside his head as he closed the bathroom door. Maybe it was too late to tell Kihyun now about his past. Something was telling him that he couldn’t make that confession anymore. Not in the way he hoped he would tell him.
In his mind not discussing his past had been the better option. No one needed to know about how horrible he had lived, of how pathetic his life was. He didn’t want sympathy. He didn’t want a sudden change of emotion that to his mind was soft and it would kill him right after he had been known as a cruel person. How does someone go to that extreme. From the image of an evil person to sympathy of fragile child that had lost everyone who he had loved dearly.
He hoped it wasn’t too late to at least salvage that idea that his past didn’t deserve to be stated in the open. He hoped that this he could at least tell Kihyun before his image of Shownu turned sour and disgusted as at his behavior.
While pondering over his thoughts there had been one possibility he had not went over. It completely blew his mind and when that thought had just occurred in his mind, he stopped in his tracks. He was at the last room he had available for everyone to know when immediately left the room and skipped over to the door he always kept locked.
To his dismay the door was ajar with the lights turn on. It was so obvious that this move of Kihyun was on full display for Shownu to see and because he had been so concerned with finding Kihyun in the places he assume he would be, this door had not passed through his mind. Kihyun wanted Shownu to know that he knew about his past but Shownu did not try enough to decipher it.
Shownu wished he had something next to him so he could stabilize his body. Every step he muster to do it felt as if he would fall over. The veins inside his muscles grew and the pounding felt as if they were going to explode.
The closer he got to the door the louder the muffles came from Kihyun. He was definitely there. Shownu didn’t know what to do. He wanted to embrace Kihyun to stop him from crying. And it was such hysterical thought. Kihyun was crying because of him. How can he stop him from crying when he caused such emotion to his lover.
Tears sprinkled on his eyes, the door distorting beyond his eyes. He didn’t deserve to cry yet here he was, admitting defeat and shame building on him for letting down another human being once again.
He had let his mother down when he let her die besides his sister. He could sense the hatred she must of had when he drove that car despite his age. For listening to his father despite having a conscious of his own.
And that conscious did not save him again. What hurt the most was that he knew of Kihyun’s past. The restless nights he had because of nightmares and Shownu had thought to be there for his lover, holding him until his muffles were gone and Kihyun went back to sleep, this time sleeping peacefully.
Shownu had thought he was doing something right. Finally he was becoming a better person. He was showing his love side. No one could deny that he was improving. He even surprised himself. After having so much hatred inside his heart, something good was engulfing his world and there was that tiny hope that he deserved a better life filled with love.
But his actions fucked him up. It was that anger of his past the had led him to fuck up his life once again. And it was that anger that grew inside his body that he stormed into the room. He needed to tell Kihyun everything, at least he deserved to know.
The first thing that he saw was pictures lying around, some facing down and some in plain view. It was a picture of him with Leticia. How did Kihyun came in contact with the picture?
“Oh.” Shownu pressed his hands to his head. He couldn’t believe it. Kihyun was on the floor with both his sonogram and that of Leticia’s. He wasn’t staring at Shownu, but Shownu was aware that Kihyun hated him at the moment.
“What have I done?” Shownu breathed a shaky chuckle of disbelief.
It was too late. Kihyun knew about his son. Leticia. Everything that was on the surface was on the known. Kihyun has been probably formulating a story, an explanation for what he found in this room.
What could Shownu say that could deviate from that already made up story? He was late. Late. Fuck.
“Kihyun.”
“Am. I. A joke to you?”
“No, Kihyun…”
“It was this whole time that I fell for your plan of a man who let his guard down. A wretched who is miserable and could only find comfort in those who are weak. Did you see me as weak. Is that why you picked me?”
“I can assure you that whatever you have come up in your head is far from the truth,” Shownu sat on the floor, picking up all the photographs and placing them on top of the album that was opened right beside Kihyun.
“Assure me? Isn’t it psycho to say that to someone who has been lied to for months! Whatever comes out of your mouth are lies,” Kihyun muttered. His mouth was pursed. Those brown eyes cold and betrayed.
Shownu had never seen those eyes before. He wanted to smooth them. How cynical. He tried to touch Kihyun and instead of a swat of his hands, he was met with a grip. “I don’t want to talk to you like this with my pregnant ass in the floor.”
Shownu was silent. He helped Kihyun without saying nothing else and stood there while Kihyun threw him the sonograms on his face.
“Was it your intention for me to find out about your other son when you gave me this photo book? At first I thought it was a joke. How dare he give me something that used to belong to someone else and then I thought to myself, he hasn’t changed one bit.”
Shownu kept his arms beside his hips, his eyebrows frowning, and his legs stuck on the ground. “You got it wrong. It was never my intention for you to find about it like this.”
“Then why are you doing this to me? Why did I ever do to you for me to deserve this? I really wanted for us to make it work. I started to fall in love you. Heck, I am in love with you,” Kihyun said with voice of someone who had expected much but got nothing in return.
“I love you, Kihyun. Despite all of this, I love you so much.” Shownu tried to take a step toward Kihyun but he stopped Shownu from stepping closer.
“Someone who says I love you doesn’t go to his ex lover inside a car behind his boyfriend’s back. And yes, we never made it official but I was getting used to the idea that we were boyfriends who would not only have kids together… that we would also be in love.” By now Kihyun was beyond the whimpers of a shock. Shownu could tell Kihyun was devastated.
Shownu wanted to swallow but couldn’t. All the words he wanted to say were cut up in his mouth. They were there but the air inside of him didn’t want to produce it. He wanted to explain all of this in one go.
“I can explain all this. She is my ex lover but that is all that she is,” Shownu pleaded.
“Oh, no no. Don’t give that bullshit. I know that she’s your baby momma. So where is that bitch and tell her to come talk to my face and tell her she’s destroying the good thing we were starting to have.”
“She doesn’t have to. She was once important in my life but that was in the past. She came back recently and it was because of something that connects us,” Shownu tried to explain but Kihyun was having none of it.
He was pacing back and forth in front of Shownu. His forehead was filled with sweat and the shirt that he had on was wrinkled from the commotion. He wasn’t looking at Shownu, every time he spoke he looked everywhere.
On the other hand, Shownu stood still, unknowing what to do. If he made a movement there would be a desperate reaction from Kihyun who was panting and shaking his head. And he didn’t want to increase the emotions Kihyun was feeling and risk his health worsening.
“The only thing that connects us is our kids, right? Is that how you view relationships?”
“No,” Shownu retorted. He took Kihyun’s hand and pull him closer. “You are more than that. Yes, we had a past, that once again resurfaced again, but it’s not like what you think it is. She is my past and I can explain to you and if you just listen to me everything else will make sense.”
Kihyun rested his face on Shownu’s chest. Shownu could hear perfectly the shaky breaths that came out of Kihyun. He wanted to embrace him. He wanted to place his hand on Kihyun’s belly. Despite desperately wanting to, he wanted against that urgency and lightly held into Kihyun’s hand.
It was getting darker and the artificial light kept getting brighter. With all of this going on, his stance on the ground began to feel wobbly. He blinked a couple of times and kept his grip on Kihyun as if holding him stabilized him.
For a minute they stood like that. Kihyun didn’t say anything else and even though he didn’t move, Shownu sense Kihyun didn’t want to hold on. He held for dear life, fearing how he would react once Kihyun removed himself from him.
“Please don’t go, ” he muffled. He raised Kihyun’s face with his hands and look into his eyes. “Please. I can explain.”
“I..”
“Please. Please don’t say it,” Shownu said, this time his voice sounding far and distant. At this point he was pleading and he knew it wouldn’t work. But at least he had to try.
“I need time to think.”
“Of course.”
“Not here. I need to be away from here in order to think. I call Minhyuk and he should be picking me up any minute.”
Shownu dropped himself to the floor. The light was too bright for him. It was if he was passing out but the moment never came, he was just stuck in the process.
“Don’t leave me.” While attempting to hold on to Kihyun’s legs tears flooded and he was wailing like it had been the day his mother and sister died.
“I can explain.” He kept repeating this whole Kihyun tried to free himself from his grasp.
The next few moments he wold not remember for the rest of his life, one because once Kihyun had left he had no will for him to stay awake, and second because at that moment he was alone, he dreamt of the the day he was in the accident, having had killed the people he most loved.
A/N:
Finally we’re getting to the climax. Hope you like it.
-Laterz Kelsi.
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