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I’m Not that Cruel Part 11
The drive back to the house took longer than expected. Because he had left during lunch the traffic was horrific. Everyone was getting out for lunch and people were crammed into the streets. Shownh kept tapping his steering wheel while shaking his head.
He only had twenty minutes left but since he was the boss he took the rest of the day off. Getting to Kihyun was more important. Kihyun had called him frantic, his voice sounding like he had just balled his eyes out. His voice had been raspy and weak.
Shownu didn’t want to admit but these past few days Kihyun was quiet and distant. Last night’s intimacy had proved that Kihyun had been getting comfortable with him but then today that totally changed. He doesn’t know if it’s the hormones or that if he’s afraid to be alone by himself.
Kihyun had told him that he was close with his friends, more than he was with Jooheon. Whenever he would see him, he was either talking to one of his friends or he would catch him sneaking to his friends’ cubicles to talk. As their boss, he knew what his employees did and despite his cold boss persona, he let them be most of the time, too tired to tell people what to do when they clearly didn’t respect him enough to listen.
Perhaps this was why he wanted Shownu to come to see him. He was a hard worker something that Shown saw in himself too. Not working makes him uneasy. Too much time creates spaces for thinking about the past and he’s done thinking about the past.
Finally arriving at the house, Shownu gets off the car and speeds up to their shared bedroom, not bothering to leave his keys on the table or taking his shoes off. He needed to know if Kihyun was okay.
The door was left ajar. When his feet reached their bedroom, he lightly pushed it open. The lights were drawn out and the faint light from the early afternoon showed that the sheets of the bed were below Kihyun’s feet.
Every corner of the house was dimmed, the aura of loneliness surrounding his body. His heart dropped as he opened the door, his eyes scanning the view of Kihyun.
Lying in bed, Kihyun looked up, one hand on his belly and the other rolled up into a fist, wet tissue inside. His voice cracked as he called him over. His eyes were watery and his cheeks stained with dried tears.
“What happened, ” Shownu said, sitting at the edge of the bed. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair; something in him told him not to. His hands stood by his side, controlling himself. What is wrong with him?”
“I woke up and you weren’t there. Tell me you’re not gonna leave me for anyone else,” Kihyun sniffed, fresh new tears appearing in his face. He took Shownu’s hands into his belly and pressed them on his over-sized shirt, the feeling of one of his children appearing through the rough material of the shirt.
Shownu’s face soften while at the same time, creasing his eyebrows at him. Shownu was right. Kihyun isn’t okay. Letting him stay at home isn’t good for him. What worries him is the reason behind it. Why can’t he by himself? Did it start when he moved in with him?
“I’m not leaving you, not today, and not in the near future. What’s wrong?”
Kihyun only shakes his head, closing his eyes and pressing Shownu’s hand lightly on his belly. “Just don’t go right now.”
“Okay,” Shownu whispers, removing his hand from Kihyun’s belly and pushing himself up from the bed. He starts to walk to the other side of the bed when Kihyun stops him by touching his wrist. “Where are you going?” His eyes bulged out, panic present.
“To the other side of the bed. I’ll stay here so you can fall asleep and relax your body.”
Kihyun’s body soften, his hands removing the throw pillows that he had forgotten to take out in the morning to the floor. Shownu takes his shoes off and slides in, his arms pulling Kihyun into his embrace. Having Kihyun in his embrace brought weird sensations on the pit of his stomach. It was so weird to be taking care of somebody else and although, he was repulsed by his soft actions, he sort of liked it. He didn’t have to be cruel just for appearances. He was human after all.
The outside world was darkening, the chatter of the crickets filled the silence and his body had not made a movement in the last couple of minutes. His eyes began to close, the heaviness of the weight fighting him for sleep. He, of course, won. Shownu had to make sure that Kihyun was the one to sleep. He for sure needed it more than he does.
And as he was thinking of this, almost sure that Kihyun was in his final stages of falling asleep, the sudden shift of Kihyun shook Shownu away from his thoughts. He was now facing him and Kihyun draped over his hand on top of Shownu’s torso, his hand disturbing the peace of his shoulders.
“Can I tell you something?” His eyes were not glossy anymore; only filled with sadness.
Shownu nodded, adding a soft hum to his head movement.
“When I was little my family had forgotten that I was at home. My mother had thought I had gone with her to a road trip to see my grandmother to the next state over. But I wasn’t with her. I was with my dad. She took a separate car because she was going first. My dad is an alcoholic so he was always out of it. I never went with him but he thought I did. When he got there, he was still drunk, unknown that I wasn’t with him.” Kihyun took a deep breath, his eyes far away from Shownu. His body was trembling, his face agitated.
Shownu stood quiet, waiting for him to keep going. He didn’t know why Kihyun was telling him this? Maybe he trusted him to know about his life now. The only thing he could do is take his hands, let him now he was there listening, supporting him while he pour his heart out.
After taking a couple of breaths, Kihyun continued, this time having the hands of Shownu to keep his body in company, allowing him to relax.
“My mother arrived first, waiting for our arrival. She trusted my dad with me; I still don’t know why she did since he had never been responsible in the first place. When she realized that I wasn’t with her she realized he wasn’t a good parent. She came back for me but it had been too late. The damage had been done. I was left alone for two days in the most dangerous neighborhood in our city. We were poor, both of my parents not having enough money to move somewhere else.
That night there was a shooting the apartment next to us and the entire family had been killed. I saw the men leaving with blood on their hands. The little girl was my friend. I went over and saw all the blood and saw her lifeless body lying on the floor,” Kihyun whimper, his hand shaking under his grip.
“Shh,” Shownu whispers, his hands wrapping him around his body. “Erase that image out of your head right now. Let’s not think about it.”
How can a father leave a child behind knowing that their place wasn’t safe. Regardless of his awareness on knowing he left him or not, he was a careless father, leaving his child to experience trauma. Shownu was mad for Kihyun, angry at his father, and angry at himself. Here he was inflicting pain on Kihyun for his entertainment while Kihyun still had pain inside of him from his childhood trauma. He truly didn’t deserve him.
“I’m not telling you this so you will feel sympathy for me. I wanted to tell you this because I wanted you to know why I am acting this way. I know this is probably a lot from you because it’s a lot for me. You leaving brought all these emotions back.”
“I’m sorry,” Shownu says, cutting Kihyun from any futher explanation. He didn’t want him to have anymore flashbacks as he was. The past was the worst for him, scenes he didn’t not want to relive, emotions to relive.
“Don’t be sorry,”Kihyun says, placing his hand on his cheek. Shownu letting himself melt under the touch of Kihyun’s hand, letting his eyes focus on his face. “I loved when you kept me until late…”
“Don’t say that. That was inhumae from me,”Shownu protested.
“Let me finish, I loved when you kept me late because that allowed me to be busy. I loved working until I felt my body beg for me to stop, until I would crash immediately after coming home. Staying home not only bores me, it makes me think of my past.” Kihyun by now had dropped his hand. He was no longer sad, only pensive.
Somehow, their bodies had sat up, no longer lying down. The room had gotten dimmer and Shownu saw the shadows of Kihyun, the outlines of his hair and shoulders. His hands were on his belly, and instead of seeing Kihyun in this moment, sweaty and ruffled, he saw that little boy with hands filled with blood, afraid and confused, his world turned up side down.
Shownu empathized with that little boy, felt his emotions, understood his feelings. He saw Kihyun in him. He saw that little boy turn into a preteen, his body splattered with blood, his hands on the steering wheel, his mother and sister in the back, unrecognizable faces staring back at him.
Suddenly he heard the sirens, his heart racing with the sound, getting faster the louder the sirens became. He heard the moans of his mother, his body unable to move. He had been frozen, stuck on his own mind. It was his fault. Everything had been his fault.
Shownu!
No cars were coming, only the sirens to fill the air. His breathing hitched, his heart pounding faster. Externally he was calm but internally he was screaming for help. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to check on his mom and sister. If only his body wasn’t useless.
Shownu!
The voice inside kept calling him murder, murder. He kept cursing his father for telling him to drive them home. He didn’t know how to drive at all. His father was so drunk at the wedding that he was disputing with his colleagues when he sent them home.
He hated his father so much.
Shownu!
Shownu felt a nudge on his bicep. The car had transformed into his room, his eyes adjusting to the dim light.
“Shownu, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Shownu answers, shaking the image out of his head. Focusing on Kihyun, Shownu slips further into the bed until he is in front of Kihyun’s belly. “I promise you my three beloved babies, that I will not be like your grandfather. I will take care of your father every second of the day. I will make sure he doesn’t remember that day,” Shownu says, for both him and for Kihyun.
He will make sure they will not think of those days, blood shed on their bodies. Kihyun told him about his horrific life and that is enough for him to endure. He would not tell Kihyun about his. If anyone had to relive nightmares, it would be him.
Kihyun will not know about his past. His past will not affect his future.
The next morning, Kihyun was more relaxed. He was gentler and something in his face told Shownu that their relationship had leveled up. He was still distant. Except that distance did not last long. He would snap out of it and engage with him about anything.
Before Shownu could tap his alarm off, Kihyun was up, talking on the phone as quietly as he could. Light poured in through the opened window. His face had been pressed on his pillow the entire night so now he had pillow marks on his cheek. Tracing the marks with his index finger and squinting from the light, Shownu spoke up, his groggy voice disturbing his ears,” What time is it?”
Kihyun looked at him and then at the time on his phone. His was face was neutral and his eyes bored life restored.” It’s five forty nine.”
Shownu nodded, leaving Kihyun to continue his conversation on the phone. He wondered who he was speaking to this early. Probably one of his friends, he assumed Hyungwon. That guy stuck to Kihyun like a mother does to a child. Not even Joheeon spoke to him that early to chit chat. Kihyun was an interesting guy.
Last night brought him memories that he had buried a long time ago. And it wasn’t Kihyun’s fault. Hearing Kihyun’s trauma forced Shownu to face his, even if it was only his head. For so long he buried that event, his time focused on school. He had to focus on something else or else he would of died with them.
And now no amount of work would interrupt his dark thoughts. It wasn’t that his past came to him at the revelation of Kihyun’s past. It was that the sudden appearance of Leticia and Kihyun’s pregnancy that brought his darkest moments to come back. Because he had buried them so deep he had not given himself the time to grieve and here he was wishing he did not pushed that grief away.
Thinking about his past had clouded his vision. It had been as if he was in autopilot because he did not realized his feet brought him to the room. The room of his past.
Heaving, he opened the door. He never left the door close. But now he was reconsidering it. If he wanted to get rid of his past for good and to not have Kihyun know about his past, he needed to lock it forever.
Blue walls stared back at him. Those same walls he knew by heart. Those walls that never got the chance to welcome his son. Brimming with tears, he touches the black crib, imagining the moments he visualized holding his son after they came home from the hospital. He never got to hold him or hear his heart beat. He only has those visions to help him remember his son, to comfort him, and to realize he was a dad, he just never got the chance to keep being one.
He’s so scared. He doesn’t want to admit, not to himself and definitely not to Kihyun. He’s so scared that he might lose his children like he lost his son. Except he would be loosing three and he doesn’t think he could ever recover from that.
He won’t let that happen. His dad is not in the picture and he won’t let him be in the picture. He can’t do him any harm. Over his dead body if he lets his father once again ruin the people he cares about.
“I love you,” he whispers to the crib before he slips back to the room, Kihyun no longer on the phone. He was now folding the wrinkled sheets.
Before he could say anything Kihyun speaks up,” Hyungwon and Minhyuk are coming over later.”
“Are you going to introduce them as your friends to me?” Shownu bites his bottom lip. This is going to be awkward. Does this mean he has to keep his solemn and bitter expression. He was a softie toward Kihyun, turning back to his old persona in front of Kihyun will totally be awkward. Unless, Kihyun already told them about his softie persona.
“Yes, of course. You don’t have to pretend to be the boss at home. You’re just yourself so let yourself come out. I’m sure they will appreciate it,” Kihyun said, shrugging as he placed the folded sheet to the other side of the bed. “I need to take a shower.”
Shownu sits down on the bed. He cannot let himself be his own self. He will be damned if Hyungwon and Minhyuk see him more than their boss. Kihyun was ridiculous.
“Do you want me to make you tea?”
“In the morning?” Kihyun cocks an eyebrow.
“People drink soda and hot cheetos in the morning. I think drinking tea in the morning is the most normalize thing ever,”Shownu says, shuddering at the thought of drinking sugar in the morning.
“Alright. Also pancakes. Your daughter is craving them so bad. She’s been kicking all morning.”
“You think we have a daughter?” His heart jumped. A daughter?
“Hyunwon thinks we are. He already named her. Her name is Kyungri.” Kihyun giggled. He rubbed his stomach, his eyes in a daze.
Shownu smiled as well. If they were having a daughter, he can’t wait to spoil her, as well as his two children. No matter the gender he couldn’t wait to hold them in his arms.
“Well, let’s not keep Kyungri waiting.”
Another update. I hope you guys like it. greenappleisme I don’t know if you’re no longer interested but I’ll still tag you every time I post another showki part.
Comments and votes are highly appreciated.
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