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*****
*Sean*
I swallowed as I knocked on Marcus’s house’s door. I had disappeared from my pack and with Trent, Jason and the other guys’ help; no one noticed I was gone yet. With all the Beta trouble, I needed time away from everyone.
Two weeks had already passed since Corey died. Izabella and Hayley were crushed and Ashton refused to leave Eli or Tamia’s sides while they, as far as I knew, weren’t even linking to anyone, let alone talking. It was like when Jayden was taken, but so much worse. At least we had gotten them to eat, even if it was just a couple if bites every few hours. Jayden on the other hand…
“It’s open… always open…” A mutter came from inside that I would not have been able to hear if I was not a werewolf.
I pushed the door open and frowned at the trash in the hallway. I didn’t say anything though. First Bianca dumps him like that and then Corey – who had been pretty much a son to him – gets killed.
“Sean.” He gave me a weak smile before he turned back to the blank TV screen he had been staring at for God knows how long while he took a sip of the beer in his hand.
I sighed as I fell onto the couch next to him before running my eyes over the empty beer cans and bottles carelessly littered everywhere and cigarette buds on the glass coffee table. When did he start smoking?
“This place smells bad…” I muttered.
“Yeah? Didn’t notice…” He mumbled a response. He let out a sigh. “You found Corey’s replacement yet?” He asked.
Replacement.
I hated the word.
“He doesn’t have a replacement… And no… I haven’t even been looking for another Beta.” I admitted.
“He’s not coming back, Sean. It doesn’t matter how long you wait, he’s dead.” Marcus spat the word ‘dead’ out, his face twisting angrily.
I sucked in my breath. Right, that was why I had come other than trying to get some time away from the pack.
“Bring him back,” I whispered.
“What?” He asked.
“Bring him back, Marcus,” I said standing up.
He looked at me. “You know I can’t.” He said bringing the beer to his mouth again.
“Try. I need you to try. He needs you to try.” I said grabbing the bottle from his hand and tossing it across the room.
“False hope. I’m not strong enough –” he began.
“No one ever is! What do you have to lose? Look at me. Look at our pack. Look at you! We need him, Marc. Please. My wife can’t even say his name without breaking down, his kids – and mine – are practically dead because they won’t even move and Jayden, Marcus, he hasn’t eaten. At all. In two weeks. He’s going to starve to death, but he’s not going to die, he’s just going to keep starving. And I can’t lead all these wolves alone! No one else is good enough! I won’t take another Beta!” I said, “Marcus, please, I’m begging you to try.” Corey and I did not always get along, but he was still one of my closest friends and there was no one else I would rather have as a Beta.
“I know you need him. I know everyone does, and yeah, so do I, Sean. You think if I could bring him back, I wouldn’t?” He shook his head swallowing as he blinked the tears in his eyes back. “I can’t bring him back… I can’t. I don’t have that kind of power… There’s no point getting anyone’s hopes up just to fail. You have to let people go sometimes.” He said reaching for another beer from the table beside him.
I shook my head glancing around the messy room again. “You’re just going to sit here hoping she comes back as you wallow in self-pity?” I asked referring to Bianca.
“No, she won’t come back. He can’t and she won’t.” He said drinking a little.
“You’re just going to give up ever bringing him back?” I asked.
“Pretty much.” He said opening another beer and holding it out to me while lifting the one he had already taken a sip from. “Death is a part of life, Sean. Even for us. Drink to Corey’s chance at rest much earlier than the rest of us?”
I gave a dry laugh. “I never pegged you as scum, Marcus.” I muttered, “Neither did Corey.”
Corey fucking loved him.
I turned and made my way to the front door.
“We were wrong,” I said.
“It was never my job to prove you right. I’m sure you’ll find a good Beta.” I slammed his door shut behind me before I let out a growl, turned back around and slammed my hand into his door creating a clear hole right through it.
“You can’t be there the one time we really need you. The one time Corey really needs you.” I said.
He didn’t reply.
I resisted the urge to punch his door again and walked to my car.
Maybe he was right… There was no chance… We would just have to move on. I sighed getting into my car and leaning my head against the steering wheel. I just hoped I could get Jayden to, because those kids weren’t going to without him.
It didn’t seem possible but… maybe eventually…
—–
*Jayden*
“Jay…” I didn’t look up as Trent sat down on my bed beside me. The smell of food instantly made my empty stomach turn, somehow making me nauseous despite there being nothing to throw up in there.
“Not hungry,” I muttered.
He sighed dropping the plate of food in his hands onto the dresser.
“Sometime you’re going to have to try to… to move on.” He whispered the last three words sounding pained. I clenched my jaw. Right, he was the one person who knew what it was like to have his mate murdered. He had her back though… But for a while, for a while there he did not know she would be brought back and somehow, he returned to some type of normal… How?
“How?” I whispered looking at him, “Pretend?” I was sick of pretending. I had done that for sixteen years, Corey had been the reason I stopped.
“No,” He bit his lip, “Accept it.”
I shook my head.
If I accepted it, his mark would fade on my neck. It was the one part of him I still had left because I clinging to it so much and I knew that if I let it go, completely let him go, what I was feeling at the moment would only intensify, because it would finally seem completely real. I could not imagine feeling worse than I already did, I could not imagine continuing to live with more pain. I had considered killing myself, I was sure I would if things got any worse and that was not something I was going to do to Eli and Tamia. Something I couldn’t do to them…
“Jayden, there’s no other way to get better –” he was saying.
“Good, because there’s nothing to get better from.” I hissed.
“Jayden –” he began.
“Get out, Trent… I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t want your help – or anyone else’s. I don’t want you telling me how to forget about him. To move on. I won’t. I’m never going to. It’s never going to hurt less.” I said, “So unless you have him or you’ve got a spell that makes me forget that he ever existed or forget everything I’m fucking feeling, don’t come back.” I said.
“Jayde –” he began.
“Get out,” I repeated.
He sighed as he got up and walked out shutting the door behind him. I looked at the food and felt my stomach continue to turn in disgust before I fell back into bed and pulled the covers over my head. I frowned at myself before letting out a sigh.
“Trent?” I whispered.
“Yes?” He spoke from somewhere down the hall.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
“It’s alright. I understand.” I heard him reply, ‘I’m here if you want to talk.’ He linked to me.
‘Thank you.’ I linked back.
I lay there in the darkness of my blanket for a few minutes before I got angry. At myself. What the hell was I doing?
I scowled at myself as I got out of bed and ran my hands over my face. The only reason I had showered that morning was because Bentley shoved me into the shower fully clothed and wouldn’t let me out until I ‘smelt better’. Everyone was so concerned because I was giving them reason to be. If I wanted them off my back, I had to give them a reason to back off.
I shook my head at the reflection staring back at me from the mirror across the room. I had been trying to make Tamia and Eli better, but what was I doing to show them how? I forced them to bathe, I forced them to eat, and I hadn’t been doing any of that. I wanted them to stop being so depressed but they were only going to do it by themselves so far.
I sighed running my hands over my face.
Pretend. I don’t have to be better, I just have to appear that way.
I was great at pretending to be okay.
I nodded to myself faking a small smile. I could do it.
Walking out of my room led the way to the twins’ room that was right next door and I began humming the mission impossible theme song until I pushed their door open and saw Tamia give me a weak questioning look from where she sat on the couch cuddling a teddy bear Corey had given her some time ago.
I ran my eyes onto the bed and saw Ashton hanging over it, staring at the carpet while Eli was also laying on his stomach with his face in a pillow. I cringed internally at how sad they all looked but on the outside, gave a smile only Corey would really be able to read and began singing Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid because Tamia loved it and even though the boys pretended they didn’t, they could never deny the tune.
“Under the sea, weed is always greener in somebody else’s lake…” What I hadn’t realised when I started the song, because it was the first one that came to mind, was that when it got to the ‘nobody beat us, fry us and eat us’ part, Corey would usually do Sebastian’s voice because he had that perfected and the kids loved it. We had all just went silent at that part. I saw their faces drop and tried to keep the smile plastered on my face. “Uh –” I cleared my throat, “How about we just play the guit… guitar…” I stopped as my eyes fell on the first guitar Corey had ever bought me. The one he gave me after mine had blown up… I never took it out of the inferno house because I did not want to carry guitars back and forth every time we visited. I sucked in a breath.
“Daddy…” Eli mumbled.
“…This isn’t working.” Tamia finished softly as she began to sniffle.
I let my fake smile fall and nodded.
“Yeah… I know…” My voice cracked as I sat down on the carpet.
I gave a weak smile as Ashton fell onto my lap and hugged me. Tamia and Eli followed his lead. I shut my eyes as I hugged all three of them tightly as they began crying.
My entire composed demeanour fell I leaned my chin on Tamia’s head. Who was I kidding? This wasn’t going to get any better… Not for them, not for me… And I just didn’t know where to go from there.
*****
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