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Three
I got a boyfriend. I am so happy. Even though I never imagined that would be the outcome. He’s so nice, mysterious, and tough. I just can’t help, but to want to know him more.
“Grandma…I got a girlfriend.” I lied. I couldn’t tell her that she was a he. I wouldn’t know how she would react.
“I’m so happy for you Ryo, what’s her name?” She smiles happily.
I had to think of a name on the spot. “Sumire.” I said. It sounded like a beautiful pretty name to begin with. She should buy it.
“Sounds like she’s a gem. How did you guys meet?”
“She played this online game with me, and we met up to chat. She’s really nice. Just shy, and cute.” I blushed just talking about it.
“Is she the one perhaps?” She looks at me with curiosity.
“Maybe.” I hadn’t really thought of gay marriage. It didn’t seem weird. Hell, it seemed more interesting than straight ones.
“I must meet her one day!” She cheers. “Have you been doing well in school?”
“Eh…” I hesitated. I wasn’t doing bad, but I wasn’t doing exceptionally good either. “I’m okay.” I blurted.
“I’m so proud of you. Make your grandma proud.” She touches my cheek, and goes to kiss my head.
My heart hurts. I want to do well, and make her proud, but I wasn’t the smartest. I fisted my fist that was on my lap. I must try harder.
“Oh Ryo! Didn’t you want that new art tablet for your birthday?”
“Yeah, but mom and dad said it was too expensive.” I chuckled. My parents were tight on money. I couldn’t blame them.
“Here, go buy it.” She places an envelope with money inside on my palm.
I held it in my hand. “Thank you grandma.” I almost cried of happiness, but I didn’t want to in front of her. I never wanted her to see me cry.
“I love you Ryo. Enjoy it. You deserve it.” She smiles as she pats my head.
I love her so much. She’s my favorite person in the world.
The door opened, and my mom and dad came in with food.
“Hey Ryo, we will feed her. You can go on.” My dad says.
“Alright.” I shoved the envelope in my pocket before my parents could see, and gave my grandma a hug, and left the room.
~~~
I woke up. My eyes were tightly stuck together. “Ugg…” I rubbed my eyes to make them open up.
I thought of the first time my grandma went into the hospital to be emitted to a nursing home. She said to me these words:
“Don’t worry Ryo, I’ll be coming home in just two days.”
She had a smile on her face. She wanted to be happy to come home. However…she never did. She was stuck there in that nursing home.
~~~
“How are you feeling Ryo?” My grandma asked me one sunny afternoon.
“I’m fine.” My voice was low. I just didn’t feel well seeing her here. It broke my heart every time.
“I’m so useless.” She says.
I looked down, letting my bangs covered my face. I didn’t want to show her I was on the verge of tears.
“You aren’t…don’t say that okay?” I stared away. I kept wiping my eyes over, and over so tears wouldn’t drop down.
“Don’t cry Ryo. You are too handsome to cry.” Her hand touched my shaking back.
“Don’t die…” I spoke.
“I won’t die. I am here always.”
I let out soft cries. I wanted to take her pain. I wanted to see her leave here, and come home…
She will get better. She will come home, and we can resume our peaceful life again.
~~~
“Ryo thank you!” He hugs me as I gave him the locket. He seemed to really love it. I was happy.
I remember always seeing his smiling face. It puts me at ease when I was on edge.
I don’t know why, but I’m always depressed. I wasn’t when we started dating. I was so happy, but something in me devoured me, and now I feel as if I’m trapped in a dark abyss.
I held out the money in front of me I made from work. I lied a lot. I worked only two times a week. The other remaining days I did my own thing. I didn’t hang with friends or cheat. I just…did my own thing. I wasn’t making a lot of money. A simple half a three hundred every two weeks. Somehow I managed to pay for his tuition, and our living expenses. I had to use my personal savings half the time, and I didn’t want to tell him.
The truth was, I hated my job. I hated going in. I hated just interacting with people. I used to want all the friends I could ever have, but now it didn’t seem like a wish for me any longer.
What was up with me?
~~~
“I like you.” One of the girls from my work confessed to me.
“Thanks.” I forced a smile.
I could tell she didn’t like my response from the frown that appeared on her face. “Maybe we can get dinner sometime?” She suggested to me.
“Sorry I have a boy-” I stopped myself before I disclosed the rest. I knew it was already too late.
“A boyfriend?” Her face went sour, and a look of disgust shone on her once hopeful face.
I couldn’t take back what I had said. The damage has been done.
“Uh okay whatever dude.” Her demeanor instantly changed, and she walked away.
Oh well. She was a friend once. I guess I can’t really consider her a friend if she would react so harshly to the truth. It didn’t particularly matter to me. I didn’t hurt when I lost friends. I hardly kept in contact with anyone now. Even the ones that reach out, I find myself ignoring.
Yet I am so empty inside. Why?
~~~
It was one night when I was chatting on the phone with him that I got that devastating call.
“Hey, hold on. I have another line.” I said.
“Okay Ryo.” He chuckles.
I pushed the hold button, and was met by my sobbing father. “Ryo, come to the hospital now!” He hung up after.
I had to dismiss my call with my baby, and go immediately.
I left my work, and drove down to the hospital as quickly as I could. My heart was racing. What was happening? Did something happen to my grandma or my dad? Either way, I didn’t want to know.
~~~
I pulled up into the hospital’s parking lot, and ran inside. I told the front desk my name, and they sent me up to the seventh floor. The room number was 560. I remembered it so clearly up until this day.
I ran in, and saw my world lying there in bed with an IV, and a bunch of needles hooked up on her. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to cry.
I saw many relatives surrounding the stretcher my grandma laid in. They were all dark, and depressed. Tissues were scattered everywhere.
My eyes instantly went to the monitor. There was still a pulse, but barely. I ran to her. “Grandma!” I cried.
My godmother looked at me. “She waited for you. She didn’t want to go until you were here. She loves you a lot Ryo.” She spoke softly.
I held her hand. She wasn’t moving, but she was breathing very lightly. “Grandma, can you hear me?” I gripped harder hoping for a grip back, but her hand didn’t move. She was too weak.
I stared at her closed eyes. They opened slightly with small droplets of tears escaping. Her stare turns to me slowly. She couldn’t move or speak. She was dying.
I bit down on my lip as my tears came down like waterfalls. Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me in this world alone! You promised me that you won’t die.
“Grandma please!” I cried as my hands held hers. I heard the monitor flatlined. I knew the outcome. She will be in a better place. She will stop these painful treatments here. No more needles, no more vomiting, no more pains in the body. She will be in peace.
I wished it was me that died instead…I wanted her to live longer. I wanted her to see the world longer. I wished so badly to die with her. I so badly wished for her to be here, but that would be wrong….
~~~
I didn’t return to the apartment for a few days. If my lover saw me with swollen eyes, he would bug me constantly. I didn’t need that now.
The days I wouldn’t work, I would grieve along at the pond. Before I would just spend time taking care of my grandma, but now she’s gone, and I need an outlet.
I sat at the pond crying. A frog hops towards me, and jumps on my lap. He stares at me as if he knew my agony.
I took him in my hand, and held him to to my face. “Grandma is this you? You are here with me right? I miss you so much. I don’t know how to tell my lover.” I let the tears fall.
The frog blinks at me, and stares at me. I sat him down next to me to see what he would do, and he would hop back on my lap. Maybe it was a sign that my grandma is watching over me.
~~~
I came home after a couple days of being away. The swelling of my eyes died down, and I felt a bit better. I no longer had tears to cry out. I am numb.
“Where have you been?! I tried calling you constantly! I thought something happened to you!” He runs up to me, and embraces me.
“Sorry, I had family problems. Is everything okay sweetie?” I rubbed his back.
“Everything is okay now that you are here.” He pulls away, and kisses my cheek. “You got me worried there. Is everything okay with the family?”
“Mhm.” I forced a smile. I didn’t want to tell him the death of my grandmother. I didn’t want to be reminded anyway.
“You sure everything is okay?” He double checks my face.
“I am sure.” I looked away, and walked off. The more I am around him, the likelihood I would break down.
~~~
I knew I was drifting away as the days passed by. I couldn’t help it. I missed my grandma too much. She was the person I confided in the most. She was the reason I ditched a couple days off of work. Now I feel empty. I felt bad for my baby, but I just couldn’t stop this numbness.
“Hey Ryo…” He taps my shoulder. “I’m sorry about the other day. I didn’t mean to be rough.”
I laid in bed with my back towards him. I just didn’t feel like talking. I didn’t feel like doing it. I didn’t feel like explaining anything. I am numb. Just too numb.
“It’s fine.”
I felt his arms hugging me from behind. I felt him kissing my back. “I love you Ryo. I don’t know what’s going on, but I really miss the old you.”
“Yeah, I understand.” I stared at the wall. This was what my grandma saw every day. Walls. There was no escape. I couldn’t imagine the pain of being trapped in a nursing home. I wish I could have done something.
“Ryo…” He grabs me to face him. His face was sad, and in tears. I hated seeing him sad, but my body wouldn’t let me react the way I did before. I just didn’t care much anymore.
“What is it?” I tiredly said.
“Tell me you love me still…”
I didn’t know if I should. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I love him. I still do, but I am dying inside. “I’m tired..ask me again later.”
“No! Now!” He grabs my shoulders. “I love you!”
“I love you too.” My voice was bland, and lifeless. I couldn’t do it. I just did anything to get me by. I worked to pay for his tuition, and my apartment. I just ate to keep living. I said things he wanted me to say to keep him content. Yet I know I am making things worse for him.
“I know! Let’s play that RPG we played when we first met. Just one game with me okay?” His eyes lit up just a bit. Silly boy, I still notice the pain in your orbs.
“Fine.” I slowly sat up. I would try to do what he wanted. That was the least I could do.
He started up our laptops, and started hooking up everything. I stayed staring at the ground. I felt empty. None of this feels real. Did I really have a job, and a boyfriend? Shouldn’t I be happy? Why am I not? It has been years since my grandmother’s passing, but it still felt fresh to me.
“Here babe.” He hands me my mouse, and keyboard. I went to sit in front of my desktop as he did with his.
The game screen loaded. A bunch of avatars scattered on the screen as well as colorful dragons. This is weird…this is like reliving my high school days. I do miss these times.
“Still have my login!” He chuckles as he logs in.
I typed in my info, and started logging in as well.
“Let’s do a party quest like old times. I hope you still have those skills I taught you.”
“Maybe.” I watched as the party screen loaded up. Monsters started appearing. I saw his blue haired avatar killing them one by one. I kept getting hit. Nothing new. I was never too good with this game, but I enjoyed it a lot back in the day.
“You are dying. Try backing up.” He says.
I kept getting hit. Over, and over. I didn’t dodge well, and it was getting frustrating. I died, and a big “you’re dead” panned across my screen.
“Uhg!” I grabbed the desktop, and smashed it down on the ground. The pieces flew everywhere. I grabbed the mouse, and keyboard, and started throwing them across the room, breaking them instantly.
“Whoa Ryo!” He grabs my arms. “What’s wrong?” He frowns.
“The game made me mad. Sorry.” I calmed myself down.
“I’m kinda scared of you sometimes.” He releases me, and backs away. I couldn’t stand seeing him in distress.
“Ah..sorry.”
“I’m scared you would leave me. Then again I feel you much rather me leave you.”
The words about him leaving me instantly placed me in a state of panic. I didn’t want to lose my baby. I didn’t want him to go too. I just didn’t have the motivation to try to love him like before. I’m so sad inside.
“No. I don’t want you to go. I am sorry.” I said.
“I don’t want to go too, but I can’t stand this distance between us.” He lets out a painful sigh as he groans.
“I know.”
“Then tell me what is wrong! I am fucking tired of wondering all these years! We were doing so well, and all of the sudden you took a complete turn in your demeanor. I am left hanging Ryo!” He snaps at me.
“It’s nothing. Just a phase.” I responded.
“No it’s not! A phase doesn’t last this long! Are you seeing someone else?! What is it?!” He screams.
“No I am not.” The screaming was so quiet I couldn’t hear it in my head. I tuned everything out. Everything including him.
“Why can’t you open up to me anymore?! Why can’t you talk to me?! Why can’t you just act like you are with me?!” He starts chanting why why why why why. I couldn’t take it.
“Shut up!” I screamed , and slapped his face.
He instantly got quiet, and held his cheek. I realized I had scratched him, and he was now leaking blood on his cheek.
“Ah I’m sorry.” I frowned. “I’m sorry.”
“No. I’ve never raised my hand at you! Not once!” He yells. “Did I really deserve that?!”
“I just hate all the demands.” I stared down.
“It isn’t demands! It is something a lover naturally does for their lover. Don’t get that mixed up! If you want to act this way then I am going to go.” He looked angry, and serious. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t.
“Babe don’t go…” I reached out for him.
His expression softens, and he pulls me to his chest. He hugs me tightly. “Tell me what is wrong? Let me help you. I want to be your outlet. Please Ryo. Let me help you.” He rubs my back.
I wanted to cry, but I had no tears left. I wanted to love him, and say sweet things, but I couldn’t. I could only call him my baby. He is my baby, but I am failing at proving that.
“My grandma passed away. She is my best friend aside from you.” I wasn’t sure what came over me to finally blurt out the truth. I guess I always feared I would cry afterwards, but I didn’t. It has been years, and I don’t cry anymore. Maybe that wasn’t the reason I was so distant. If that wasn’t it, then even I am unsure what it could be.
“I’m sorry to hear that babe.” He kisses my head. “I’m here to talk if you ever need me to. I won’t tell you to think of the good times with her or any of that bullshit.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. I’m always here if you need to talk. Don’t forget.”
“I won’t. I am tired. I want to go to bed. I will clean up the broken computer stuff tomorrow. Night I guess.” I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to be awake. Being awake was like being in hell.
I saw the sadness in his eyes, but I didn’t care. I am tired. Tired of trying. Tired of living. My money is running low, and so was my fuel on life.
Personally I knew I wasn’t capable of living with the fact that my best friend is gone. I’ve came to conclusion that I have a serious case of chronic depression. I couldn’t escape it. It used to be so easy, but now I can’t even force a smile or pretend to be okay. I don’t want to live.
~~~
The next morning I woke with a throbbing headache. Why? I didn’t cry or anything. I looked over to the sleeping babe. I tapped him, and he instantly woken.
“Yeah?” He said sheepishly while letting out a groan.
“Do we have any pain killers left? I have a massive headache.” I could feel the veins pulsing on the side of my head. It was like my head had its own throbbing heartbeat right now.
“I can go get you some if you want?” He sits up, and touches my cheek.
“Yeah can you? I will give you the money.”
“I already know where your wallet is babe.” He plants a kiss on my head. “I’ll be back in a bit okay?”
“Alright.”
I felt my chin being lifted up by his fingers. He kisses me gently. His lips were so soft. It warmed my body up for a split second. Was the sensation of warmth back? No, it was too short lived.
“I love you Ryo.” He smiles.
“I love you too.” I went to kiss the side of his lips.
He pulls me over him, and I found myself on top.
“Fuck me….” He stares so lustfully.
“I can’t. Headache…” I wasn’t disgusted by sex, but I knew I wouldn’t be enjoying it. Not like this. I would just half-ass everything, and he didn’t deserve that.
“I can though.” He pushes me off, and flips me so I was on my stomach. I felt my pants being lowered so my bottom was exposed.
As soon as I felt some cold slimy liquid between my ass, I knew he used that lube that we haven’t touched in months. It always sat on the night table. All pink, and ready.
“Nnngghh…” I groan in discomfort when I felt him entering me. He lifts my bottom up so my back arched slightly as he began thrusting in, and out of me.
“Does it feel good Ryo? Tell me…” He starts increasing his speed which only escalated the pain. I wasn’t used to getting penetrated after so long. It didn’t feel good at all.
“I-it hurts…” I rightfully admitted.
He immediately stops. “I’m sorry….”
“It’s fine.” I scooted away, and pulled up my pants. “I don’t want to do that. Just get me the pain killers please.”
The sadness in his eyes is eating away at me. Maybe he would be happier if I just broke things off with him. Yeah, he will be sad at first, but then he will realize his freedom. He won’t need to look sad anymore. I wouldn’t be sad. I know I couldn’t accumulate such emotions anyways.
“I’ll go get the pills. Stay here okay?”
“Where else would I be?” I gave him a questionable stare.
“Not sure…gone?” The frightful look didn’t suit him.
“I’ll be here.”
“Okay. Be right back. I love you.” He kisses my head, and rushes to go get dressed.
I love my baby so much, but I just don’t deserve him anymore. Maybe I should leave soon. Maybe when his semester is over. I don’t know what I would do with myself. I didn’t have the courage yet to kill myself.
As soon as I heard the door closing to the apartment, I got up to the bathroom. I open the cabinet to see a couple stray pills here, and there. There was no pain killers, but there was sleeping pills. Normally if you sleep, a headache goes away. At least for me.
I unscrewed the bottle, and saw the recommended dose was two tablets every six hours. I poured the whole thing in my hand. We had a total of ten pills left. Would I sleep forever if I took these?
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I am sad. I am dreading life. I have my babe, but I couldn’t make him happy anymore. I fail as a boyfriend. It hurts so much to want to make your partner in crime smile, but you mentally can’t do it.
I stared down at the blue gel pills in my hand. They glide around in my palm in a soft smooth motion as I stared at them.
To Be Continued
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