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Four
“I’m back!” I called out to Ryo. I held the small plastic bag in my hand as I slowly went upstairs.
I peeked into our bedroom, and didn’t see him. Where is he? “Ryo?!” I called out again.
I rushed to our bathroom, and didn’t see him there either. “Ryo, where are you?!”
I ran back downstairs, and bumped into him on the way down. “Ryo! Why didn’t you answer me?! I was scared shitless!” I grabbed him.
“Sorry, I was..outside.” He looks off to the side.
“Doing what?”
“I needed some fresh air. Did you get the pain killers?”
“Yes, of course.” I handed him the bag.
“Thanks.” He takes the bag, and walks pass me.
“No, stop it.” I grabbed his wrist, and he looks at me with a blank stare.
“Hm?”
“Nothing…” I released him. There was no point in trying right now.
“Hm okay.” He starts walking upstairs, leaving me alone again.
I couldn’t stand this lonliness any longer. I went back outside, and decided on a walk.
I’m sad. I’m upset, but I won’t give up on him. I love him too much. Then again, I am questioning his love for me at this point. Is he sad about his grandma? When did she pass? There is no way this is lingering for so long. Maybe I should ask him, but I didn’t want to touch any sensitive subjects.
~~~
I got into the city, and there were a couple guys picking on this woman in an alleyway. How did they get her there? She had her small daughter with her.
“Yo bitch, give us your purse!” They screamed at her. Her daughter was already in tears.
I decided to help her. “Hey! Stop that! Leave her alone!” I yelled.
All three men, and the woman with her child stared at me.
“You want to be involved motherfucker?!” The one with a red mohawk spoke.
“Yeah I do!” I stepped in. I hadn’t fought in a while, but I still was capable.
All three of them charged at me. Two of them grabbed my arms. How typical. I twisted my arm out of their grasp, and punched them each in the face. The leader charged at me, and punched me square in my jaw.
“Stop this!” The woman cries.
“Leave hurry!” I called out to her.
She seemed hesitant, but left quietly as I took the beatings.
I felt punches on my stomach, chest, and face. I was a bit too cocky thinking I could take all these buff looking guys at once.
I could feel them trying to find my wallet. Tough luck, I don’t carry my wallet with me when I go for a walk. I don’t even have money.
“What a poor ass bum! He got nothing. Let’s bail!” The leader with the mohawk disbanded the fight, and ran off.
I felt like shit. Busted mouth, and nose, but I felt a sense of accomplishment. I helped out someone today. It has been a while since I felt useful. I had to emerge a small smile just thinking about it.
Maybe right now is a sign I should go home. I won’t lie, I was always fearful to go home. I was scared that Ryo might do something to himself when I was gone. There is no top or bottom of this relationship. We shared an equal amount of responsibility when it came to taking care of one another. It’s just as of lately, I felt I needed the attention that I wasn’t receiving. I didn’t want to leave, but a part of me felt like staying was torture.
~~~
“I’m home!” I called out. No answer as always.
I ran upstairs to see Ryo writing in his notepad. He likes writing stories. He never reads them to me though since he feared judgement.
“You okay?” He gives me a slight glance.
“Yeah, some thugs beat me up since I intervened with their attempt to rob some woman.”
“Oh.” He turns back to his writings.
I didn’t know why, but that pissed me off. No concern, no comfort. Nothing.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I finally snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. Why doesn’t he try?! Whatever he is going though can’t be so bad that he will completely shut me off.
“What do you mean?” He speaks with his back still towards me.
“Am I your boyfriend or am I just a nuisance?! Tell me!”
He stays silent. Holy fuck! As always right?!
“What am I to you?! Don’t dare call me baby or babe if I am not those things! I am your lover! I am hurt! You don’t even care! At least when you are down, I comfort you. I confide in you. I reassure you that I will be here! Why the fuck did you make me fall for you like this if you weren’t willing to pull through at the most crucial time?! If this is about your grandma, then grieve to me so I can share the pain with you! You don’t do shit! You just give me money, and stay quiet! I appreciate it, but I rather be broke without your money, and have you love me! It’s killing me inside! Is it because I am not making money like that?! Is it because I am boring?! Is it because I am another guy?! What the fuck is it Ryo?! I’m tired of being neglected!” I screamed until tears started dripping down my cheeks. I couldn’t stand this pain anymore. I wanted to be free of it.
He gets up, and faces me. He had a lifeless smirk on his lips. “You are right. Maybe you should just leave, and find someone else better. Don’t worry I’ll pay for the rest of your tuition.”
“Did you not hear anything I just said?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I wanted to hit him so bad. He’s so stupid.
“I heard every word.”
“What is your problem?!” I swung my fist straight at his cheek. He didn’t seem affected or cared.
“That’s all you got?” He says as his eyes fixated on mine.
“I got plenty you fuck!” I swung again at his face, but he grabs my wrist instantly, and pushes me face first in the mattress. I could feel my pants being slid off as he instantly enters me. “Ahh!” I cried out as he thrusts forcefully in me.
“R-Ryo…” I groaned as his rod pounds me roughly. I gripped on the sheets as tears escaped my eyes. I am so angry. So angry….
He flips me over so we were facing each other. He sticks me with his sex again, and resumes his massive thrusts. I pulled him close to my lips, and kissed him. I love him so much, but I’m so sad.
“I love you.” He says as he parts from our kiss. “I’m sorry….”
“It’s fine, but….” I bit down on my lip. “I think we should end this. This is painful. This relationship isn’t working out. I have to grow, and be free.” It took a lot of courage to finally utter that out.
His eyes widened at me once I said it. This was the most emotion I’ve seen out of him from so long.
“Fine.” He gets off of me, and walks away to the bathroom.
I instantly got up, and pulled up my pants before running to the bathroom. “Don’t do shit!” I busted open the door, and he stares at me emotionlessly.
“What is it?”
“You won’t stop me?! You won’t try?!”
“Why should I? It clearly is the best for us. Where would you go?”
“I’ll stay with Shou I guess, but I’m so upset at you. All these years of being together, and you aren’t even remotely stunned that I am threatening to leave!” I sighed.
“Okay.” He looks away. I hate him. I hate him so much. Why does he act this way? Why can’t I have the old Ryo back? Why?
~~~
“Ryo, you’ve gotten better at the game. Man, I can’t wait until high school is over so I can play games with you more before college.” I leaned back in my chair, and stared up at the sky. We would often be playing our games on the balcony. It was peaceful. The sky was always so clear.
“Sounds fun babe.” He rests his head on my shoulder. “Hey, I hope you stay around for a long time. I know I say that a lot, but I want you to know.” He looks at me with his charming grin.
“Oh I know. I really love the reminders. Thanks. I will be here always to protect you. Who knew right? Falling for you…so weird.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, life works in mysterious ways. I told my grandma I have a girlfriend. She seems happy for me. I just wish I can tell the world I have a boyfriend. I’m scared of what others would think though.” Ryo looked slightly upset at the thought.
“Who cares what they think. As long as we are happy. Then again, I don’t want anyone to know our business. It just will cause drama honestly.” The realization of two men loving each other, and living together will only arise sexual questions I desperately wanted to avoid.
“You are right.” He kisses me. “If the world is cruel, and separates us somehow in the future, know that I will always love you no matter what.”
I smiled. “Of course. Same goes to you my big man.” I poked his head, and he chuckled. Life was so peaceful. What went wrong?
~~~
I stared at my bags. I only wanted to pack a few things. I already notified Shou that I needed to stay with him for a while until I made up my mind on what I wanted to do next. He didn’t have any issues with it so I was set.
I gave Ryo one final look to redeem himself. Was he going to stop me? Will he say sorry with some form of emotion?
“This is really it?” I kept looking at Ryo. He just had his gaze downwards at my bags.
“I guess. Here take some mone-“
“No!” I slapped the cash out of his hand, and the bills went flying everywhere in the room. “It isn’t about money! Fuck money! What don’t you get?!”
“Okay then.” He starts picking up the money.
I grabbed his wrist, and he shakes me off. I saw cuts on his wrist, and instantly grabbed them. “What the hell is this?!” I saw markings on his wrist. Line by line of constant cutting. Some were still healing. This was wrong. I’ve never bothered looking at his wrists before. What is going on with my Ryo?
“Nothing.” He pulls down his sleeves to hide the damage, but I already saw it.
“No! Why are you cutting yourself?! Tell me!”
“Just go away!” He yells which caught me off guard.
“Why?! Why won’t you accept help?! Are you mad?!” I grabbed his shoulders.
“Don’t touch me! Leave me! Give up!” He cries. I could hear him wheezing, and groaning from the pain. I felt completely useless. I didn’t know what to do.
“Babe! What is the matter?!” I hugged him tightly even though he kept trying to break free. No amounts of hits or scratches would make me release him.
“I want to die!” He finally screams out.
“Die…why?” I could feel my heart tearing apart seeing him like this. I had no power to help him.
“I’m sad! I’m miserable, and I don’t know why! Please!” His big eyes widened with tears as he grabs my collar. “Please kill me! Shoot me! Feed me poison! Anything please!” His face was wet with tears, and his speech was slurred. I’ve never seen him so messed up before. I didn’t know what I could do. What can I do?
“No! You won’t die. I won’t let you! We will live a happy life together. Now may be hard, but it will get better!” I held him.
“No please kill me! I’m begging you!” His sobs became louder, and louder. I couldn’t take it.
“No!”
He takes out something from his back pocket. It was a gun. That was the gun me, and him decided to get just in case someone broke in our place. It was never used since the day we purchased it. What was he up to?
“Ryo! What the hell do you think you are doing with that?!”
He hands me the gun. He held my hands as he places my finger on the trigger.
“Please shoot me! I am too scared to kill myself, but if you do it I won’t mind. Please!” His hands were shaking to oblivion, and so was mine. He opens his mouth, and shoves the head of the gun in his mouth.
“R-Ryo…” My hands were numb. I was scared that my spasms might make me accidentally pull the trigger. “I can’t kill you. I will get in trouble too.”
He backs away a bit from the gun. “Die with me! We can be together. Just you, and me.” He touches my hand. “I love you so much babe, please die with me! I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to live. I only have you, and I want you with me forever. In heaven or hell. In living or death. Please stay by my side.” His tears came down as well as mine.
“Did you plan this?” I feared for his answer.
“Yeah. I have two bullets in there. I wanted to die for so long, but I felt there was a chance I could die with you. Will you die with me?” He holds my hand.
“I…I don’t want to die…” I was honest. I was still young, and had many things I wanted to do. I didn’t want to die yet. It felt wrong.
“Then kill me please. Do this for me…” The sadness in his eyes made me feel guilty for not wanting to do it. I just couldn’t bring myself to kill the man I love so dearly. Is that wrong?
“I can’t do this! I can’t kill you! I love you!”
“Then kill me if you love me! I am asking you. I am begging you! I can’t take another day here. No one understands me. Even I don’t understand myself. I can’t be positive. Hell, I can’t remembered the first time we got together. What was I like? How did I act? What did I enjoy doing? I don’t remember it all. Maybe my grandma’s death took a toll, and my depression began, but I know it isn’t that anymore. I’m always depress. I’m always numb. I love you, but I can’t be romantically attached like before. I’m sorry. I don’t deserve life. I don’t want to be here. I keep wishing every single night that I would die the next day. I am too scared to kill myself. I am too scared. At the same time I’m scared to leave you alone. I’m scared that if I die, I would have to watch over you from above with someone else. I don’t think I can bear seeing someone else have you. You’re mine! Only mine! I want you! No one else can have you! Please be with me! Please die with me!” He hugs me tightly as his sobs echoed through the room.
“Ryo I can’t..”
“You can! Stop being a bitch, and do it!” He holds the gun to his mouth. “Do it! If you love me do it!”
“I can’t Ryo!”
“DO IT! I HAVE BEEN PAYING FOR YOUR SHIT! I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOUR WORTHLESS ASS! DO THIS FOR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! DO IT YOU LOW LIFE LOSER!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from Ryo. His words really got me hurting. My hands were shaking.
“I NEVER LOVED YOU. I AM JUST ASHAMED TO BE LOVING YOU. I HATE LOVING SOME GUY! I CAN NOT ATONE FOR THIS DISGUSTING SIN! SO KILL ME YOU GAY PIECE OF SHIT!”
My anger rose. He can’t be serious with his words right? Is he trying to provoke me?
“GO ON! SHOOT ME! UNLESS YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT TOO!” His face was full of anger at this point.
“I love you.” I said before pulling the trigger.
~~~
“I love you babe.” Ryo hugs me from behind. “You know I started writing stories.”
“Have you?” I peeked an interest. “Show me maybe?”
“Maybe later.” He winks.
I’ve peeked at it when he was at work. All he wrote in there was one word over, and over again.
Stupid.
It was written page after page. All the same thing. I didn’t want to question his odd behavior since he seemed perfectly fine when he was with me. It was when he was alone he would write in that book like no tomorrow.
Ryo must be sick in the head or he is going through something, and not sharing it with me. He didn’t seem upset at the time. Just odd.
“Are you okay Ryo?” I asked him one night when we ate dinner.
“Yeah why?” His eyes looked devious.
“Nothing…” At times I would be spooked out by him. I didn’t get myself. Or more so, I didn’t get him.
“You looked.”
“I did.” There was no use in hiding it.
“Don’t. It’s my venting story.” He resumes his dinner.
“Your what?”
“Nothing.” He chuckles at me. “Don’t worry about it.”
~~~
I opened one eye to see the disaster I’ve done. To my surprise, Ryo was still in front of me shaking.
“Ryo! You’re alive!” I held him.
“I-I didn’t know how scary it was to see someone potentially shooting you in the face.” He shook.
I unloaded the gun’s magazine to see only one bullet in there. It wasn’t placed in the right spot for it to be the one I would have shot.
“Oh my god, thank god it was placed in another coil.” I sighed in relief.
“Thank you….” He whispers
“For what?”
“For pulling the trigger. I felt you wouldn’t have done it. I knew it was going to be tough to shoot me, but you did it for my sake. That really touches me….”
“I just…I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted you to stop crying….”
“I love you, I’m sorry.” He kisses me deeply. “I’m sorry….I just needed to snap back to reality.”
“It’s okay.” I held him in my arms, and on my lap.
“I’ve fought depression all my life. I’ve just maintained it well. I felt stupid every single day when I would get upset over nothing. I would get even more frustrated when little things upsets me. I guess after a while I just gave up on emotions, and remained neutral.”
“You aren’t stupid. You never will be to me. When I first met you, you were full of life, and you instantly sparked my interest. You were my best friend, and now my partner in crime. You are everything to me. I would have killed myself if you really had died right there.
“No…” He hugs me. “I’m sorry…please don’t go.”
“I won’t go.”
Ryo pulls on the necklace I wore. The locket he gave me broke, and fell to the ground. It cracked open, and a single petal flew out. The pink, and white rose he spoke of…
“My grandma gave me that locket to give to my supposed girlfriend. That’s why it looks so girly. I don’t think she wants me to linger anymore…”
“I don’t think she ever wanted you to linger.” I held his hand. “I will cherish the locket, but let’s get something new. Just the two of us.” I smiled.
“That sounds fine to me. I don’t like seeing that locket everyday anyway. It keeps bringing back bitter memories.”
“Ryo, will you promise me something as well?”
“What is it?” He looks at me.
“Go to a therapist. Please. Depression is no joke.”
He took a pause, and finally agreed to the idea. I knew Ryo hated asking for help, but this could be a turn for the better in his case. Even if me pulling the trigger caused him to be fearful, I felt a therapist can subside the pain he feels. I just hope that it could do wonders for him.
~~~
It was one day at a time. The summer is here, and our balcony was decorated with sunflowers.
Ryo looks at me, and smiles. “Today the therapist asked me of my love life again. I always get shy when telling her.” His face had some pink tones in it when he spoke.
Ryo has made me proud. He has been going to a therapist for over a year now, and has seemed to be getting better. He threw away that book he always wrote in, and he didn’t get random depressing panic attacks. He was slowly becoming the old Ryo I’ve grown to love.
“What did you tell her?” I smiled as I went to sit by him on the balcony bench.
“Told her I have the best boyfriend ever.” He blushes.
I got slightly embarrassed. Just hearing something like that coming from him was a huge step. “I’m glad I am the best. I try my best.” I nuzzled his cheek as I watered the sunflowers.
“It’s true. Honestly I guess back then I was just scared. I felt I knew what I wanted. I didn’t want to be here, but I guess I didn’t want help either until the fear of death came to me. I knew that no one in their right mind would dare shoot their lover. I was fearful that you would call me selfish for wanting to go, but you didn’t. Thank you…”
“I don’t believe in typical responses. Yes, it would have been selfish, but I thought of it in a different way. I felt it was selfish of me to keep you holding on when you couldn’t anymore. I wanted your happiness then, and now. I would have just went with you. I know we made stupid choices, but I guess that is what makes us a bit different from everyone else. Don’t you think so Ryo?”
“I suppose so.” He looks down. “Maybe all I really needed was a wake up call. Thank you for giving me that.”
“No problem babe.” I chuckled.
“Here you go. A new locket.” He hands me a new locket that is oval shaped, and plain silver.
“Thanks!” I tried to open it, and saw a ring inside. My eyes widened as I instantly jerk my eyes to Ryo.
“Will you marry me?” Ryo smiles at me lovingly. “I promise I will cherish you forever.”
“Of course! As long as we won’t drift again.” I blushed.
“We won’t babe. We won’t be drifting…”
End
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