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“You never want to talk about it,” he deadpanned.
I could tell that Parker was reaching his limits.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” He was growing impatient.
“I just can’t.”
He took in a tight breath, then spoke as softly as he could, sounding so tired and drained, “You have to talk to me, dandelion.”
My heart pounded against my chest. I could feel the words on the tip of my tongue, all I needed was a little more confidence, a little more time, a gentle push, but as my lips parted, the Dark Thoughts stopped me.
That’s right. Tell me him everything. Tell him everything that’s wrong with you. Tell him why he should leave you. Go on, Conan, ruin your life.
“May I be excused? I’d like to go to bed,” I murmured. Frustration flashed through Parker’s dark eyes..
“You can’t keep everything bottled up forever!” he shouted.
I glanced back at him, but regretted it immediately. His dark eyes were full of frustration and worry. His disheveled hair fell over his beautiful forehead. There was something in that shout, a pain behind it. A raw cry and desperate plea for help, and knew that it was his shield for pain, like a cornered soldier randomly throwing out grenades, scared for his life, scared for mine.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” I whispered.
Parker tilted his head back and he ran his hands over his face, shutting his eyes. I could feel him reaching his patience, and knew it wouldn’t take much longer before he burst.
Would he hit me?
The sudden question made me cringe. I hated how terrible my mind was. The human mind was a terrible, terrible thing. It transgressed morals, it pondered on all the ‘what ifs,’ adventured in the possibilities and impossibilities. There were no limits to our imagination, and that was both a gift and curse. Or perhaps it wasn’t the human mind that was terrible, but mine.
Parker opened his eyes again and walked towards me. He raised his hand and I waited for the worst, but instead of receiving a slap, he pointed at the pizza on my plate.
“This,” he growled. “This better be gone by the time I come back.”
My eyes stretched open.
“Where are you going?” I asked frantically. He didn’t answer and stormed towards the exit.
“When will you be back?” I asked, but he slammed the door behind him. I felt panic rise up my chest.
What if Parker didn’t come back? What if he left me for good? You really did it this time, Conan, you pushed Parker to his limit and now he was never coming back. Good for you, it’s what you deserve. It’s your fault anyway, it’s all your fault. It’s always been your fault.
I pinched my arm, trying to focus the pain elsewhere. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry… I bit my lower lip and ran after him, but when I opened the door, he was no longer there.
He’s going to come back.
The house suddenly felt very big, and I, very small. I forced myself to eat the pizza. I chewed and chewed, and even if I didn’t want to eat, I continued to swallow, thinking that if I did, it would somehow make Parker come back.
Half an hour later, I heard the doorknob turn and saw Parker step in. I felt immense relief, and felt like I could finally breathe again.
“Parker,” I said. I smiled at him. “I didn’t think you’d come back.”
Parker walked towards me and crouched down, reaching for my hand. He smelled of fresh tobacco, and I realized he had gone out for a smoke. He smoked whenever he was stressed and when he needed to clear his thoughts.
“You thought I wouldn’t come back,” he whispered. “But I told you I would.”
“I know,” I murmured. “I know you did.”
“But you still thought I wouldn’t. Why?”
“The Dark Thoughts.”
There was a short pause.
“Those thoughts you have, Conan, are they always there?”
“Not always. Sometimes. They come and go, but never leave.”
He nodded slowly. I could tell he was trying to remain calm, but he looked heartbroken.
“I would never leave without telling you. Do you understand me?” He said, reaching out and resting his hand against my cheek, gently caressing it. “Your thoughts can manipulate your perception of me, and your insecurities can make me look like a monster. They’ll persuade you and deform reality, and there’ll be nothing I can do to stop them, so I want you to know, at least know here,” he said, tapping the left side of my chest where my heart was. “I want you to know I have no intentions of purposely hurting you. If I decide to leave, then I’ll be the one to tell you, not your Dark Thoughts.”
Parker spoke calmly and slowly so I would understand each and every word. The intensity in his voice and eyes overpowered the demonic thoughts running in my mind.
“Okay,” I nodded. He gently squeezed my hand.
“Are you ready to talk?” he asked, but he asked as if he already knew the answer. I could feel him slipping out of my hands, but I couldn’t find myself to speak up. Parker ran a hand through his hair. He nodded once.
“Alright, then we won’t talk.”
My eyes widened in surprise. He stood up, and I knew he was going to leave. Fear washed through me and before I could stop myself, I selfishly reached out and caught his hand. He looked down at me with a confused look in his eyes.
“Will you stay the night?” I quickly asked. I didn’t want him to leave.
I thought he was going to leave and I was ready to stop him and negotiate, but Parker shrugged off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. He took my empty plate to the kitchen and did the dishes.
“Do you still some my clothes here?” he asked without looking over his shoulder.
“Yes,” I said.
“And my toothbrush?”
“Still there,” I promised.
“I didn’t bring a sleeping bag. We’re going to have to share the bed.”
I had a sleeping bag tucked under my bed, and Parker knew that too. He was asking me to make an effort for him. If I couldn’t tell him the truth, I could at least make an effort.
“Okay,” I nodded. It would be the first time we’d sleep in the same bed.
“Okay,” he repeated quietly, and I felt the tension between us melt away.
***
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Parker asked suddenly. We were in my living room. It was a few days after our fight, and even though it was something we couldn’t pretend like it didn’t happen, we tried our best not to think about it.
“Of course,” I said. He nodded once and we left my apartment. I didn’t know where we were heading, but I felt as if as long as I was with Parker, I’d be okay. The city bus drove past us, and I found myself smiling. One of the first few memories I had with Parker was riding the city bus together. We were on our way to meet Freddie who wanted to buy his boyfriend a gift.
Happy memories, I thought to myself, and I believe it was the first time that I came to the realization that I had a happy memory. Before my friends and Parker, my life was blinded by the Dark Thoughts and bad memories. I was happy things were changing.
Parker held my hand and I didn’t mind. We went to a park and sat near a pond. Parker took out his cigarette from his shirt pocket and I watched him smoke. Another memory I had of him was when we saw each other at the university after I puked on his shoes. We ditched classes because we were both late, and I watched him smoke.
“What are you thinking about?” Parker asked, letting out a puff of smoke.
“Me?”
“Yeah,” he said, tilting his head slightly in a curious way. “You’re smiling, so I was just wondering.”
And I realized that I was smiling.
“I was thinking about the first few memories we had together,” I answered.
“You mean when you puked on my shoes and when I dangled Freddie off the ledge of a building?” he smirked, smiling himself. I giggled and nodded.
“And when we took the city bus together and how I fainted after we finished shopping,” I went on.
“Good times,” Parker chuckled, staring up at the grey sky. The smile on his face slowly faded.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked. Parker didn’t answer right away. He took another puff of his cigarette and watched the smoke dissipate into the air.
“I remember one of the first conversations we had,” he murmured, his voice taking a husky tone. “I remember how I once told you that I would never date someone I couldn’t fuck implying and that I’d never fall in love I couldn’t have sex with.”
His dark eyes then met mine, and he gave me a small smile.
“And I’m thinking how terribly wrong I was,” he said, his voice quiet. My eyes widened and my chest felt strange as if something was crushing it. But it wasn’t a bad kind of pain. It was a pain that made me happy. A pain that I wanted to stay forever.
He extended his hand and brushed away a bang from my forehead, looking at me in a way that no one else has ever had. It made me feel special. And even if Parker didn’t say it aloud, I knew what else he wanted to say.
“I’m sorry I have problems,” I murmured. Parker shook his head and pulled me closer. He kissed me gently on the side of the head.
“Me too,” he whispered. “I wish things were better for you, I really do.”
I wanted to cry as he held me close to him.
“Things will get better,” he said as if it was a promise. “But you have to try.”
Trying could have meant anything. It could have meant that I had to try and be a better person, that I had to try and speak up, that I had to try and open up to my friends and talk to my boyfriend about things I didn’t want anyone to know. It could also mean that I had to try and eat, try and be normal, try to fight the Dark Thoughts. Trying could have meant anything, but what was equivalent in all the possibilities was the effort I’d have to engage to make a change.
I used to feel like I was stuck in a phase and that nothing would ever change for me, that I was destined to be broken. But maybe I could try and change things, not just for myself, but for the people who loved me. I could try and be happy knowing that it’d make them happy, and there was nothing I wanted more than for my friends to be happy. They deserved everything.
“I will,” I said, and Parker looked at me in surprise. “It might take a while, but I will. I’ll try my best for you.”
Parker stared at me, then looked away. He quickly up the cigarette between his lips, but his jaw was tense.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, wondering if I said something strange.
“Nothing,” he said a bit too quickly.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“It’s not you,” he said. “It’s just that…”
His voice drifted and he looked almost flustered. Parker, flustered. It was a strange but pleasant combination that I don’t think I’d often get to see. He finally looked at me with a sheepish smile.
“It just that if I don’t put anything between my lips, I’d be too tempted to kiss you.”
I blinked in surprise and he chuckled, gently tousling my hair.
“I won’t,” he said as he finished his cigarette.
I wish you did, I thought to myself.
🌻🌻🌻
Please don’t forget to leave a vote! And can we just talk about Parker’s character development? He’s trying so hard ;-;
Idk why but even though their pain isn’t explicitly explained, there is just so much emotion and pain; something that lingers in these characters that even I can’t quite explain.
Anyway, I’ll stop rambling 😅😂🤭
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