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A/N: 27.12.2020
How much battery do you guys have? I’m at 50% 🔋
P.s: please don’t forget to follow me here on Wattpad so you don’t miss out on any future books/updates! ❤
🌻🌻🌻
I was at home reading a philosophy book about how the world was infinitely big and humans miserably small. Parker texted me saying I could go to his place. I told him that I was busy doing homework, which sadly, was a lie. Lying was considered a sin, but living without lying was an even bigger sin. That proclamation itself had to be the worst lie, and secondly, that idealistic way of thinking was no better than digging your own grave.
Pessimistic or realistic, I couldn’t convince myself that one could live purely on truths; and if somehow that were possible, those people must lead miserabe and possibly short lives. We fed on pretty lies to survive from the ugly Truth.
I didn’t want to be with Parker right now. After seeing him with someone else, I couldn’t help but think how unfit I was for him, and unfit for people in general. I felt like a fallen puzzle piece that fell off the table and got crooked. No matter how hard you tried to push it back in its place, it just no longer fit. So you set it aside, not with the others, yet, not far away enough.
I tried to return to my book, but the Dark Thoughts kept creeping into my mind, asking me questions I didn’t have the answers to.
Why was Parker with me in the first place? Parker liked touching people, and he liked it when others touched him. He liked intimacy, he liked kissing, he liked sex, he liked everything I couldn’t give him, so why was he going through the trouble of being with me? Why even bother? He could be sleeping with so many people right, so why?
Then I thought to myself, maybe he was having sex with other people. Maybe he was seeing people behind my back, and that his patience wasn’t real patience, but a lie. Perhaps he enjoyed the conversations he had with me, which was why he kept me by his side, but confided in someone else for physical pleasure.
Yes, that must be it. There was no other logical reason that could explain Parker wanting to be with me or why he would deprive himself from pleasure. There was no other logical explanation.
I quickly shook my head, trying to push away the Dark Thoughts.
You’re a terrible person, Conan. How could you think so lowly of Parker? He’s been so good to you, and what do you do in return? You think badly of him. You’re terrible, Conan, absolutely terrible.
It was now both my Dark Thoughts and myself who scolded me this time.
I couldn’t finish my book and crawled into bed. I cried myself to sleep, but I didn’t feel guilty about crying. No one could see me anyway. I was completely, utterly alone.
Everyone needed their own safe place to cry. Some people liked crying in the shower, others in the bathroom, my safe place was in my room, in my bed, under the sheets. It was where I could hide away from the scary world and be myself for a few minutes.
I avoided Parker the next few days, turning down his invitations and finding excuses not to see him. But on Friday night, my phone rang, and as soon as it did, the Dark Thoughts crawled away. They were scared of Parker.
I answered.
“Dandelion?” His voice made me feel better and worse.
“Good evening, Parker.”
“I ordered too much pizza. Come up and help me finish it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m not hungry,” I said.
“I never asked.”
And then he hung up. I frowned, and wondered if I should go or not.
I should go. I have to go.
But I couldn’t find the strength to pull myself onto my feet and walk the stairs, so for ten minutes, my mind was telling me to move while my legs remained limp. Then I heard a knock at my door, and I knew I didn’t have any other choice but to answer it.
“Good evening, Parker,” I said. He was holding a box of pizza and brushed past me, setting it on the table without a word. He motioned for me to sit, so I did.
“Eat,” he ordered. I could tell he was in a bad mood.
“Oh, thank you, but I’m not hungry,” I repeated.
“Why aren’t you hungry?”
“Since I was twelve I stopped feeling hunger,” I informed him. Parker’s brows knitted.
“Why?”
I didn’t answer and Parker sighed. He pressed his lips together as if he had to physically stop himself from saying something that he might regret. Parker had his bursts of anger and he had a hard time controlling his emotions, but he was trying. I could see that he was. He ran a big hand through his disheveled hair, took in a deep breath, and spoke in a quiet voice.
“Did you have dinner?”
“No, but I’m not hungry.”
I sounded stubborn even to my ears.
“You have to eat,” he murmured softly, and I could see how stressed he was.
“I know,” I said. “I just can’t.”
“You don’t want to,” he corrected me.
“Yes, perhaps,” I said. I saw pain flash through Parker’s eyes, but they vanished when he blinked.
“Can you tell me why?” he asked. I shook my head and he looked like he was seconds away from losing his mind. I could see his pain. I could feel it, and yet, I didn’t do anything to make him feel better. I wondered why I was trying to sabotage our friendship. I wondered why I was trying to ruin something so beautiful as if I was born to be self-destructive.
Because you don’t deserve it, the Dark Thoughts said. You don’t deserve him.
And I didn’t.
Perhaps deep down, I wanted Parker to hate me. I wanted Parker to realize the mistake he made of wanting to be close to someone so self-destructive and flawed. There was nothing about me that was worth liking or being with. Parker shouldn’t be with someone like me. He deserved better.
“Will you please eat for me?”Parker said, snapping me out of my thoughts. The Dark Thoughts began to shy away, but I couldn’t forget the words planted in my brain.
He deserves better.
“Please,” Parker pressed, and then my mind went blank.
Please. That was a word Parker rarely used. When I didn’t answer immediately, he let out a quiet sigh.
“Alright, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t eat when something bothers you. You’ve been doing well these past few weeks and suddenly your appetite drops again, so what’s wrong?”
I hadn’t realized how close Parker and I had become since we began dating.
“Conan, we basically live together,” he growled impatiently.
“Yes, I suppose,” I answered quietly.
“What’s the matter?” He tried again, trying to sound patient. “You’ve been acting strange, and I’m getting worried.”
“You don’t need to worry,” I answered.
“I am! How can I not?” he demanded. “Tell me what’s wrong. You’re acting strange,” he repeated.
“What would be your definition of strange?” I asked to make sure we were on the same page.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
He looked so deeply into my eyes, I dropped my gaze, unable to bear seeing him hurt.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I whispered.
“I don’t care,” Parker snapped.
“About me?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t care if you don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “Something is wrong and you’re clearly not doing okay. You can’t just tell me not to worry when you’re like this, you just can’t. You committed to a relationship, Conan, and a relationship implies two people bound by responsibilities. I’m doing my part, you should do yours.”
I opened my mouth but he stopped me.
“This isn’t about privacy. I know you have boundaries and I’m trying my best to respect that, but you have to stop treating me like I’m a complete stranger,” Parker said. “Aren’t I more to you than that?”
He sounded sad. It was a terrible tone that made my heart ache. I knew I was being childish and selfish.
“Of course you are,” I murmured.
“Then why are you acting like you’re all alone when you have me? When you have Freddie and Zev?” he asked angrily. “Can’t you see how loved you are? How much we love you? Why do you keep thinking you have to suffer by yourself? And no, Conan, you’re not a burden to us. We don’t care about you or ask how you are or wonder if you’re okay because we pity you. It’s because we love you, whether you like it or not, we care about you, and love doesn’t come at a price, so stop thinking that you’re a burden or that you owe us something whenever you’re not okay.”
Love didn’t come at a price, but what was I supposed to do when I didn’t deserve the unconditional love that I was given?
I sounded like a spoiled brat, and perhaps I was. Parker was always treating me the best he could. He’d raise his voice sometimes, but whenever he did, he’d try to calm himself down. He made sure I ate, that I was okay, that I wasn’t lonely, and he gave me so much of his love, attention, and time, things that I would never be able to give back to him.
Terrible, Conan, you’re absolutely terrible.
That had always been a problem.
Whenever there wasn’t anything wrong, I’d find ways to make it wrong. Because if you thought about it, there wasn’t anything physically or visibly wrong with me. What was I so sad about? I had food, friends, a family, a roof over my head, I had all these beautiful things, so why couldn’t I be happy?
🌻🌻🌻
Please don’t forget to leave a vote 💔
What I love about Conan is that there are so many relatable things he says and thinks. Even though not everyone may not agree with all his ideas, there are always small fragments in which we can identify ourselves.
Well, at least, that’s what I think 😅 perhaps it may not be the same for everyone.
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