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Hello everyone! I’m Nicko, 30y.o. and I’m one of those good looking gays na nasayang na hindi ginamit ang utak, bobo. Wew! I don’t even know how to begin. My story began after I graduated college. A former classmate of mine brought me to an exclusive bar just for gays and it was my first time to be exposed. It was so awkward but exciting at the same time. Anyway taglish na lang, I was introduced sa mga gay friends niya who were good people naman and who became my friends until now. I also had one gay classmate in college who introduced me to gay dating sites, so I have met quite a few people from the internet. By the way, I am a Nursing graduate not by my own choice. As soon as I graduated, nagreview agad ako for the board exam but unfortunately I had a problem with my birth certificate so I wasn’t able to file sa PRC. I was so sad and discouraged. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko na mag Nurse, so I looked for a job and forget about being a Nurse at all. I enjoyed my job a lot because I get to travel around locally. In 2009 when I was assigned in Mindanao, I met this guy from the internet whom I fell inlove with but before I met him, I have met another guy who told me to be careful because there are a lot of HIV+ people in that city. Anyway, going back sa guy na nainlove ako, we ended up being in a relationship and had unprotected sex all the time which is a huge mistake for both of us. I noticed that he had rashes and frequent diarrhea which I completely ignored thinking that it was normal(bobo talaga).After a few months he was assigned in Luzon to work so I also decided to go back to Visayas because I feel like there is no reason for me to stay there since he’s not there anymore. In his first week in Luzon, he called and told me that his rashes is getting worse so he consulted his friend who’s a Doctor and told him that he might have HIV so he had himself tested and boom! He is reactive. Our common friends called and told me the confirmation that he’s positive which I wasn’t surprised anymore. From the day that he confessed that he might have HIV, I never stop thinking about myself, my future and my family. I don’t know if I have the face to tell them. So, I completely ignored everything, did not submit myself for HIV test and just moved on with my life. Trabaho lang ako ng trabaho kahit na nararamdaman kona yung mga symptoms. One time nahospital talaga ako due to severe bleeding sinusitis. I stayed for a week in a hospital under an antibiotic therapy. After discharge, back to normal life. Hindi talaga ako nagpapatest because I was so scared to know or just to see the word “reactive” although may idea na ako. Until such time na required magpatest for employment abroad, hindi ko matanggihan yung ate ko to work abroad, it was a great opportunity for me so nagpatest ako and boom! Reactive. I never told my family, I didn’t process my papers, binabagalan ko masyado para madisappoint sila, pero they never gave up on me, pinapunta pa din ako as tourist and doon na ako naghanap ng work. It was too much struggle maghanap ng work na walang medical requirements until I found one which I was so happy working with. In mid 2016, ramdam kona ulit mga symptoms pero it’s worse than before. I had UTI and Prostatitis halos hindi ako mkalakad sa sakit pero work parin ako ng work until hindi ko na nakayanan dahil namaga na din lymphnodes ko, nagpacheck up na ako, niresetahan ako ng 2 weeks na cotri, gumaling yung prostate ko, pero hindi pa pala natatapos doon kasi one day umihi ako ng nakatayo, may lumabas din na liquid sa pwet ko at the same time so umupo ako sa inidoro at tinuloy ko yung pagihi, inisip ko nlng baka liquid diarrhea lang kasi wala namang sakit or what. The next day, ganun pa din, nagtataka na talaga ko kung anu yung liquid na lumalabas sa pwet ko until naisipan kong umihi na may nkalagay na palanggana sa pwetan ko tapos inamoy ko, amoy ihi siya, sabi ko sa sarili ko, I’m leaking, bakit kaya? and within the same week black na din yung color na tae ko. Kinontak ko Doctor ko, hindi nya din alam kung anung nangyayari sakin pero yun pala nagdududa na siya na baka HIV+ ako, inamin naman niya na matagal na niyang gustong tanungin ako pero hinintay nalang niya na kusang loob kong sabihin sa kanya. Inamin ko naman, halos hindi ako mkapagsalita kasi humagulgol muna ako. Siya yung pinakaunang sinabihan ko at foreigner pa pero she is so good, nirefer niya agad ako sa Government hospital nila para mkapagstart ng therapy. I was so scared na pumunta ng hospital dahil baka ireject ako at sabihing umuwi kana lang sa Pinas at doon mgpatreat pero nilakasan ko loob ko at positive naman ang outcome. They got me covered. I underwent a series of test. Kinailangan kong mgpaadmit dahil ang baba ng Hemoglobin count ko it is because I had a bleeding ulcer na pala. Hindi na ako pinauwi to get some clothes and some important things cause’ they’re concern of me, so wala talaga akong gamit, ni toothbrush, at wala akong close na pinoy, ang hirap talaga magisa at nakakahiya humingi ng favor sa hindi mo close, hindi kona talaga alam anung gagawin ko nun aside from dasal. Wala akong choice kundi kapalan yung mukha ko, may tumulong naman sakin for 1 day lang. I stayed in the hospital for a week for the therapy, then before my discharge I underwent endosopy, and thanks to God it was clear from ulcer already. Before heading home, nag grocery pa ako ng nkapadami. When I reached home I felt relieved cause’ nakita kona ulit dog and cat ko, they missed me so much and super hungry. I thought ok na ako pero I can feel and sense na there is still something wrong with/in my body, I have something else dahil yung lymphnode ko sa leeg ay maga pa din so I told my HR again that I need to have myself checked again, and when I went to the hospital and talked to a specialist, they told me that I have to get admitted again. Struggle nanaman to for sure kasi wala talagang ibang magaasikaso sayo kundi ang sarili molang aside sa mga nurses. Anyway, ang duda ng mga Doctor ay may TB ako dahil may something sa lungs ko na evident sa x-ray na hindi nila ma identify kung ano yun, nagsputum test ako, negative, at never akong umubo, pero they treated me with triple antibiotic through IV, ang hapdi pagpasok ng gamot sa ugat. Ang masaklap pa, pinagpraktisan ako ng IV insertion, masyadong visible yung mga ugat ko pero nagkakamali talaga sila, ilang tusok pa bago pumasok sa ugat yung karayom. Tatlo kami sa kwarto, katabi ko pa may advanced TB, nagreklamo naman ako na bka magkakaTB talaga ako dahil CD4 count ko is 85 lang. Everyday and night fever ko plus may night sweats pa, basang basa yung kama ko, tapos hindi pa nila basta basta pwede palitan yung bedsheet. I was trying to be strong pero vulnerable talaga ako so, I broke down and cried under the sheets especially pag dumating na mga visitors ng mga katabi kong patients tapos ako lang yung walang bisita. Five days na ako sa hospital, ubos na damit ko, lagi kasing basa sa pawis, tapos walang maglalaba para sakin, kinapalan ko nanaman mukha ko, humingi ako ng favor sa Manager namin na napakabait at concern din masyado sakin, pinakuha ko yung susi ng apartment ko sa hospital then dalhan ako ng maraming damit at gamit dahil di ko pa alam kung kelan discharge ko at nka motorcycle lang siya so, binigyan konalang siya nga $150 para gasolina. The next day, kinausap ako ng katabi kong may TB dahil siguro napansin nila na iyak ako ng iyak almost everyday, sabi niya sakin, kung ako sayo, uwi nalang ako sa Pinas dahil andun pamilya mo, may magaasikaso sayo, magiging masaya ka dahil makikita mo sila, yung mga kapatid mo(by the way Indian yung kausap ko so ngeenglish siya). Naiyak nanaman ako habang nagsasalita siya then I realized na tama siya. On the spot pagdating ng Doctor, sabi ko, I’m leaving, I refuse all the upcoming treatments, nabigla si Doc and asked me why? Sabi ko na lang may ticket ma kasi ako pauwi ng Pinas kahit wala pa, dun nalang akong magpagamot, namimiss ko na din kasi family ko e(at naiyak nanaman ako habang kausap siya). Tinawagan ko agad HR namin at sinabi ko na uuwi na ako, sinundo ako ng company car, ang dami kong bitbit na gamit dahil kahapon lang ako dinalhan ng mga damit, pero anyway, decided na talaga ako na umuwi, pumirma ako ng waiver ng hospital na kung anumang mangyari sakin, wala na sila dun dahil decision ko naman na umalis. Paguwi ko ng bahay, hindi ko alam kung sasabihin ko na ba sa family ko o surprise nalang yung paguwi ko, that night, naabutan ako ng mga 3am dahil hindi ako mkatulog, nakita ko tita ko from UK na nagonline sa FB, minessage ko, biglang tumawag sakin, hindi ako makapagsalita, iyak lang ako ng iyak, nung napansin niya, tinanong niya ako kung umiiyak ba ako, hindi pa din ako makapagsalita talaga, hanggang sa huminga ako ng malalim then I started talking, sinabi ko lahat lahat. Siya na daw bahalang magsabi sa family ko except sa nanay ko dahil baka atakihin sa puso. The next day, nkatanggap na ako ng mga concern messages mula kay tatay, ate at kuya. Masyado silang worried sa situation ko, gusto pa nga ni tatay ipaadmit ako ulit hanggang sa bumuti buti pakiramdam ko, pero sabi ko ayoko kona sa hospital dito tay, diyan nalang ako. I was ready to die na talaga, hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko yung very long flight. Hindi ko pa afford yung ticket dahil over $3000 pero sa awa ng Diyos, kinausap ng HR namin ang boss ko na mabait at siya naman nagshoulder lahat. The night before my flight, nabenta ko pa ibang gamit ko pero ang dami ko pa ding naiwan, they were expecting na babalik pa ako, naiinis ako dahil sa lahat ng pwede kong maiwan, yung shoes pa talaga na bili ni nanay na pinadala sakin na never kopang nasuot ang naiwan ko, mga dinala ko puro mini appliance na 110V at yung mga favorite kong damit. Ang pinanggrocery ko pinamigay ko na lang lahat, ang dami dami kong isda, karne, hipon sa freezer na hindi kona naluto, mga prutas at kung anu ano pa sa Ref. Ang washing machine ko binenta ko na lang ng $50, yung iba pinamigay ko na lang. Swerte din naman ako sa company dahil nagambag ambag yung mga empleyado pantulong sakin. Ang HR namin nagrequest pa ng wheelchair assistance all they way to the Philippines, hindi na kasi ako masyadong makalakad at tumayo ng matagal. Nahihirapan nga ako sa mga connecting airports dahil kung may gusto akong bilhin, hindi naman ako makalakad ng malayo. Anyway, habang nasa mga connecting airports ako, feeling ko baka hindi na ako abot ng Pinas, pero in God’s grace nkarating naman. Sinundo ako ng family ko sa airport except si nanay dahil nasa probinsya siya nagbakasyon. Bakas ang lungkot sa mga mukha nila nung nakita nila ako, hindi na pigilang umiyak ng ate at kuya ko, si tatay masyadong strong, napigilan niya talaga ang pagpatak ng luha niya para lang hindi din ako umiyak. Hindi na ako nakatung tong ng bahay, derecho agad ako sa hospital. I underwent the same series of test again dahil hindi ako nakakuha ng kopya sa abroad. Anyway, diagnosis ko is extrapulmonary TB malapit sa anus kaya nagkabutas. Ang payo ng Doctor, I need an urgent surgery, they need to do a temporary colostomy kung saan muna lalabas dumi ko dahil yun daw ang nagcocause ng infection na hindi gumagaling. I’ve waited 1 month before my surgery. Sa awa ni Lord successful naman yung surgery. So, right now sa left lower abdomen ako dumudumi tapos umiihi padin ako on both parts(urethra and anus). I am taking antiTB meds para magheal daw yung butas before ibalik yung bituka ko sa loob, kung hindi naman daw magheal, baka manual repair yung gagawin nila. Hindi ko pa talaga alam what’s next to me now. Nasa bahay lang ako eversince the discharge, unproductive. Embarrassing ang colostomy lalu na pag nasa public places ka kasi hindi macontrol yung fart at pagdumi. Ang dami dami pang nangyari sakin pero masyado ng mahaba ito. Anyway, I still have until May to complete my 9 month antiTB therapy, after that I need to undergo surgery again. I hope and pray that it will heal by itself para ibalik na yung bituka ko sa loob, nahihrapan na ako. Minsan naiisip ko, bat di nalang ako namatay para hindi na ako maghihirap ng ganito. It made me realize na baka nga may purpose pa ako to make a difference somehow. I really need to get back on my feet and work for my family, matanda na parents ko, they need to relax and explore the world nalang, ako nalang yung dapat kumayod pero binigyan ko pa sila ng problema, but despite that, they still love me so much. My final word is don’t lose hope and keep on praying. Mabuhay tayong mga PLHIV. God Bless us all! Amen!
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