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CHAPTER 10
I woke up a little early wrapped in Gabriel’s arms and cuddled up under my blanket. I was amazed to see that I hadn’t dreamt it all. It seemed too good to be true. Gabriel and I had shared an intimate moment together and he was still here. He didn’t run away this time. Hopefully he’ll feel the same way when he wakes up in my bed, I thought.
I turned off my alarm before it went off, then woke Gabriel up. At first he looked confused, but then he smiled.
“Goodmorning,” I said.
“Morning. What time is it?” Asked Gabriel.
“6:50.”
“Ugh. I should probably go home and get ready for school.”
“Okay. You might wanna put on some clothes first though.”
“Good idea.” He smiled.
I put on some Kelly Clarkson as we got dressed.
“I always listen to music when I’m getting ready,” I explained.
“I love this song!” He exclaimed.
He started singing along, loudly and badly.
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes until I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway….
I hit him in the arm and told him to be quiet before my parents heard him. But his singing was pretty cute. Even though he was joking around, it seemed like it was real to him. Like the words meant something for him now that he was excepting this other side of himself. After the song was over he had to leave. But I didn’t let him go just yet.
“So…what does this mean?” I asked.
“What does what mean? My singing?” He laughed.
“No. This. Us.” I smiled.
“I have no idea. I’m just doing what you said and going with how I feel. I don’t even know what is happening right now.”
“Well let’s just keep going with how we feel. As long as you’re talking to me again.”
“I couldn’t spend another day not talking to you.”
My heart leaped as he spoke. I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a huge hug. I caught him a little off guard but he hugged me back, and then sealed it with a gentle peck on the lips.
“It’s probably best if we keep this between us for now. I don’t think I’m ready for anyone to know,” said Gabriel.
“Of course,” I assured him.
“Well, I’ll see you at school, Clay,” Gabriel said as he climbed out of my bedroom window.
“What did you say?” I asked, puzzled.
“I said I’ll see you at school.”
“No, after that. You called me Clay.”
“Yeah, so? That’s your name.”
“You’ve never called me Clay before.”
“Well obviously I’ve done a lot that I never did before. People change.” He flashed me a huge grin and climbed onto our tree to go home.
I couldn’t stop smiling. It felt like butterflies in my stomach, but more intense. Like the butterflies were on crack! My breathing was short and rapid, as if I had suddenly contracted asthma. Was it actually possible for someone to take your breath away? If I didn’t believe it before, I did now.
I went downstairs to eat breakfast. Amanda and Mom were already at the table. Dad had already left for work.
“Morning family!” I exclaimed.
“Morning loser,” said Amanda with a satisfied look on her face, like she had totally just owned me. Usually that would have bothered me, but that morning nothing was going to kill my mood.
“Morning sweetie,” said Mom as she watched the traffic report on the news.
I had just enough time to grab some pop tarts and orange juice before we had to head out. I ate in the car as Mom headed to Amanda’s school first to drop her off. Then to my school.
“So how was your night,” asked Mom.
“It was okay, nothing that exciting,” I lied.
“Did you hang out with any friends?”
“Yeah. Aurora and I went to the football game with some friends.”
“What did you do after the game?”
I didn’t answer this time. What was she trying to get at? My heart started to beat faster. My palms got sweaty. Did she know?
“Um. I came home.”
“You trust me, right?”
“Of course, mom.”
“Well then tell me the truth, Clayton.” She was getting upset.
“Don’t call me that. What do you want to hear?”
“I want to hear the truth. Please. That’s all I’m asking.”
I was sure that she knew, and I didn’t want to keep lying to her. My parents were pretty awesome, so I never really found myself having to lie to them much, but when I did I felt horrible. I just didn’t know how to say the truth. How do you tell your Mom that you spent the night with a guy? I decided to just say it just like that.
“I spent the night with Gabriel,” I finally said.
“Thank you,” was all that she said.
I sat in silence waiting for her to say something more, but she didn’t.
“How did you know?” I asked.
“I walked into your room early this morning when you were still sleeping and I saw you two together.”
I didn’t know what to say now. I was surprised she didn’t have anymore questions. She didn’t even ask me was I gay. She didn’t even ask was Gabriel. I should have been relieved, but instead I was confused.
“That’s all?” I asked.
“Mmhmm,” she nodded her head.
“I’m gay,” I said boldly, “Just in case you were wondering.”
“Clay, I already knew that. But it’s nice that you finally feel you can tell me.”
“How did you know?”
“You didn’t expect me to believe that you and Tony were just friends did you?”
“Oh…” I didn’t know what to say.
“Gabriel seems like a nice young man, despite his crazy father,” said Mom, “Is he your new life partner?”
“Okay, ew! We’re not forty, mom. It would be called a boyfriend. But no, he’s not.”
“But you had sexual relations with him?”
“Oh my gosh, Mom, please! We are not about to talk about this. Baby steps, Mom!”
“Okay, i’ll respect you’re privacy. But I’m so glad that you told me, sweetie. This is so exciting!”
“I wouldn’t say exciting,” I laughed, “Does Dad know?”
“Yes. We’ve talked about it a few times.”
“How does he feel about it?”
“Well he’s had a feeling since you were a little boy. He doesn’t really think anything of it, just a part of who you are.” She smiled.
When we finally got to my school, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and thanked her for being so understanding. She told me that she wanted to talk more and I promised her that I’d tell her everything in time. I walked into school and it felt like a new environment, probably because I knew I didn’t have to worry about seeing Gabriel with him hating me. I wondered how he would act when he saw me at school that day. I hoped he at least acknowledged my existense.
My morning went smoothly, even though I was a little late to first period. When I got there I told Zenan about coming out to my mom. I didn’t mention Gabriel. As much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Plus, Gabriel didn’t want me telling people. When I got to art class I had to tell Aurora the news, but I tried to say as little as possible to her. Of course Brooke was there so I was careful to not say Gabriel’s name. I really didn’t want anyone to know too much, at least not until I had Gabriel’s approval.
“I’m the happiest person on earth!” I said once I got in class.
“Explain mister,” prompted Aurora.
“Well um…this guy that I was having some issues with…,” I winked to Aurora where Brooke couldn’t see, “We’re fine now. Better than fine! We’re amazing!”
Aurora immediately caught on.
“What guy?” Asked Brooke.
“Just this guy that I met at the mall. He goes to Brookenridge.”
“Why is this the first I’m hearing of it?”
“Well there wasn’t really anything to tell before, but now there is,” I smiled.
“This is so exciting! So, are you like together now?”
“No. Well, at least not officially. He still has to figure somethings out, ya know?”
“Wow…I’m so happy for you,” said Aurora, giving me a huge hug.
I went on to tell them how I officially came out to my mom and how she ruined the dramatic effect by telling me that she already knew. They laughed at the things I told them that she said. Looking back on it, it was a pretty funny conversation. We talked for the rest of the class. No work got done.
The rest of the day all I could think about was getting to calculus to see Gabriel. I couldn’t wait to see his face, those eyes, those lips. I didn’t see him in the hall all day, so I longed even more to see him. When I walked into class he was sitting at his desk listening to his iPod. He looked up and noticed me walking in and his face lit up with a huge smile. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. I couldn’t help but smile too. I made my way to my seat.
“Hey you,” I said to Gabriel.
“Hey you,” he replied, still smiling.
We didn’t say much else. The night we had together had said it all. Trying to do calculus was useless though. I couldn’t stop looking over at Gabriel. His hair was falling perfectly and his skin looked perfectly smooth and soft. I wanted to just reach over and touch him, but I figured that would definitely fall under the creepy category. I just stuck to admiring from afar.
After class Gabriel walked with me to my locker and he offered me a ride home. I was supposed to go with Aurora after school, but I told her who I was with and she completely understood. As we walked to his car, I noticed that he kept looking around to see if Travis or any of his goons were around.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to hang with me at school. I completely understand,” I said, sincerely.
“I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried a little bit, but it’s okay. I’ll risk it. I like talking to you and I don’t want to mess it up.”
I smiled and we kept walking.
“How do you know exactly what to say?” I asked him.
“Trust me, I never know what to say. But I’m trying to take your advice and say what I feel.”
“Well you’re doing a good job so far.”
“I’m actually pretty glad that football is over now. It was just a lot of stress that I didn’t need. Now I have more time to focus on myself and my happiness.”
“Sounds good to me.”
We got into Gabriel’s mustang and headed home. Riding in the car next to him made me feel so happy. It made me feel like we were a couple, doing couple-ish things. Even if it wasn’t official it felt so real. I wondered how it felt for him. If it felt real to him. It was all new to him, so I’m sure he felt a bit different than I did. But he seemed happy, and that’s what really mattered to me.
While driving home, I got a text. It was from Tony. It was another typical Tony text, talking about how he missed me and wished I would text him back. It dawned on me that while all of this was going on with Gabriel, I had never actually ended things with Tony. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Yes he hurt me, repeatedly, but I still cared about him. He was my first love. But then I looked over at Gabriel and saw a future. I saw one that was better than what I had with Tony and it made me realize that I needed to move on. It was better for everyone. So I sent Tony a text message back that said all I needed to say.
Me: I LOVE YOU, BUT IT’S OVER.
I closed my phone and stuffed it into my pocket. Gabriel dropped me off at home, but asked to meet back up a little later. I agreed of course. I went inside feeling amazing. I couldn’t get the big goofy smile off of my face. I suppose Mom noticed this because she stopped me before I went upstairs.
“Good day at school?”
“Great day!” I replied and ran upstairs.
I wanted to call Lauren. I hadn’t filled her in on any of the craziness that was my life! I had to tell her about Gabriel, and Travis, and coming out to my mom, and breaking up with Tony. I called her as soon as I got up to my room and closed my door.
“Hey stranger,” said Lauren when she answered the phone.
“I have so much to tell you!” I was almost yelling, I was so eager to tell her.
“Well lay it on me baby!” She replied.
I told her everything! Lauren was my best friend, I never hid anything from her. I could finally lay it all out there and not have to worry about reprecussions. She sounded like she was having an aneurysm on the other end of the line. She was probably more excited than I was about everything that had gone on.
“How am I missing all of this excitement going on in your life? Why weren’t you this interesting when you lived in Cali?” She laughed.
We talked and laughed for hours until Gabriel knocked on my window.
“He’s here!” I said to Lauren, quietly.
“Who is?”
“Gabriel!”
“Go get your man!” She demanded.
“I plan on it,” I laughed and told her I’d call her back, “Love ya! Bye.”
I went to the window and opened for Gabriel.
“Come sit with me,” said Gabriel.
“You don’t wanna come in?” I asked.
“It’s nicer out here,” he smiled.
I climbed out of my window and took a spot next to him on the tree branch. He kissed me as soon as I sat down.
“What was that for,” I asked.
“For being so awesome to me, even when I wasn’t always awesome to you.”
“It’s nothing. I told you, I care about you.”
“Well thank you for caring.” He smiled.
We just sat and talked, taking in the fresh air. I told him how I came out to my mom.
“I could never come out to my dad,” said Gabriel, “I don’t even know how I would say it.”
“You don’t have to tell him you’re gay yet. It’ll be easier in time.”
“I’m not gay!” He sounded a little upset. “I don’t know what I am.”
“Sorry,” I replied.
“It’s okay. I just hate being so confused.”
“It won’t be this way for long, I promise.”
“I hope you’re right,” said Gabriel, “You know, my dad is going to AA meetings now.”
“That’s great! Do you see any progress?”
“I do actually. I think this is what he needed.”
We talked for a little while longer but it started to get pretty late so we decided to go inside. But our late night dates in the tree continued. Every night we’d sit out there and talk about nothing and everything at the same time. I couldn’t quite understand why everything felt so right when I was with him. All my worries and fears seemed to disappear when I was talking to him. I think I provided the same thing for him. I was happy that I could be that for him.
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