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The fire twisted in the darkness; its heat absorbing the crisp bite of the breeze that settled around our camp. It was the coldest night yet but no one seemed to be bothered by it as they sat around the fire sipping at their various blends of alcohol. Nights around the fire where fun the last few nights but tonight was different. I wanted to drink, ease my nerves and loosen my tense body but I couldn’t do it. My mind wouldn’t let me fearing that I would do something stupid again.
Chase said to forget last night; pretend that it never happened but so far it wasn’t working. He’s been avoiding my gaze all day and so far; all of the night, pretending that what seemed to be bothering me so much didn’t affect him at all. Throughout the night, I’ve found myself looking at him; watching him, whether I was aware of it or not. I was like a moth to the flame watching the orange hue that illuminated the features of his face, the curve of his lips. Every time I managed to pull my eyes away they always found their way back to him.
I found Kevin to be staring at me on a number of occasions throughout the night as well; a frown creased on his face every time. I gave him a reassuring smile each time just to feign that whatever he thought was wrong wasn’t that extreme. He would have known that something was wrong simply because I wasn’t drinking. I hardly ever missed a chance to drink and he knew that. I’ve been waiting for him to pull me away from the group and ask what was up in typical Kevin fashion; but he hasn’t, probably trying to decide whether he should approach me or let me work through it on my own. I’m glad for the latter because I don’t even understand what’s going on inside my head let alone having to try get someone else to understand it.
I was brought out of my thoughts when someone poked my arm. “Earth to Trae!” I blinked, looking at Imogen as she signalled my attention.
“Yeah?” I managed; flustered as I looked around the fire, noticing everyone’s eyes on me. Everyone’s except Chase.
“Kev was telling us about the time you and him went on a road-trip to Byron Bay”. She looked confused as she told me, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Oh yeah that” I grinned, thinking back to the road-trip we went on a few months back, “Best weekend of my life. Tens everywhere” I gestured with my hands for emphasis. “And boy did the people up there know how to drink!” I chuckled to myself briefly. “Do you remember the first night we were there; we went to that bar and met that blonde and the red head?”
“Isabelle and Mary” he grinned, “How could I forget?” He thrust in hips in a slow humping motion as he said it. Skye reached over where she sat and punched him in the arm; making everyone, including Kev, laugh as she called him a pig. “You love me” he teased as he continued laughing.
“Keep telling yourself that” She muttered, playfully glaring at him.
“Don’t worry sis, I will” he chuckled, “Now back to the important stuff. I’d argue they were elevens, god they were a pair of goddesses.” He sighed, a cocky smirk on his lips as he reminisced. I nodded in agreement.
“Only took a few drinks and they were all over us” I chuckled, “And they didn’t even hesitate when we invited them back to our hotel”.
“No they did not” he agreed with a grin, taking a sip of his beer. I couldn’t help but grin in return; maybe this was exactly what I needed. “I’m not going to lie” Kev continued, “I was kinda jealous of you getting Mary. Her friend was fantastic but god that red head was a freak; didn’t even make it to your bedroom before she started taking your clothes off”. I chuckled at the memory of the look on Kev’s face as she started tearing my clothes off as soon as we walked through the door. She probably would have tried to get him to join in with us if Isabelle didn’t seductively drag him back to his room.
“Oh she was nasty” I chuckled, agreeing with his words. “Started taking my clothes off the second we got through the door. Couch, table, floor, kitchen bench; you name it, she wanted it”
“And god was she loud” he added, “It was demoralising to be able to hear her over Isabelle”.
“What can I say?” I gloated, “I know how to please the women”. I don’t know what possessed me in that moment as I glanced at Chase, catching eye contact with him for the first time that night. It had nothing to do with his facial expression because it was indifferent as he watched me but everything I was trying to forget with that conversation came flooding back in a heartbeat. The feeling in my stomach felt worse than simple guilt as it spread throughout my body, settling in every empty crack of my insides.
I knew Kevin was talking but I couldn’t focus on the words that left his mouth. All I could focus on was the nauseas feeling as it contaminated my insides. Here I am; gloating about my conquests as he sat across the fire from me. I don’t know what he felt but I know it isn’t nothing and here I am; rubbing it in his face. I know he said to forget it ever happened but it still felt so wrong to be talking about this with him within ear shot.
I looked up; my eyes darting from person to person, not really focusing on who that person was. I could feel every beat of my heart as it thumped against my chest. What the hell was wrong with me?
“I’m going for a walk” I knew everyone was looking at me but I didn’t care as I stood up.
“Is everything okay?” I wasn’t even sure who asked; I knew the voice was female though.
“Just need some air” I tried to smile in the general direction of the group but I don’t know if I succeeded. I turned, walking towards and down the path that led to the clearing, I needed to breath. I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling in that moment; confusion, guilt, fear, anger. Part of me just wanted to punch something; anything, for being so damn stupid.
I was about half way along the path when I heard my name being called. I knew whose voice it was but it wasn’t who I was expecting at all. I stopped in my tracks, turning to see Imogen making her way towards me in the pale light of the moon. Even though there was a lack of light; there was still enough present to distinct her from Teegan or Skye.
“Trae!” She repeated, sighing when she came to a stop in front of me, her breathing was a little heavier than usual. “What the hell is going on with you?” She asked, pulling her naked arms tighter around her body. Only then did I realise that I also wore nothing but a t-shirt, noticing a slight chill as it crawled along my skin. I must have left my jacket over the back of the seat, the fire being warm enough to handle the cold without it at the time.
“Trae?” She repeated, “Is everything okay?” It wasn’t until then did I realise that I was staring at her. Looking at her now I didn’t have the same feelings that I had the other day. Sure she was still as attractive as she has always been… but looking at it now just didn’t feel the same. I looked down at her lips, her breasts and curved figure. Sure they still looked the same but I didn’t feel the urge to touch her in any way. But the feelings used to be there… can feelings like that really disappear that quickly?
I wasn’t too sure what I was doing in that moment or what I was hoping to feel. Maybe it was a distraction or more likely a conformation; but as I pressed my lips against hers I felt nothing. She was tense and most likely surprised but in that moment, as selfish as it sounds, I didn’t really care. Her lips were soft and warm; much like her skin as I held her cheek with my hand, despite the cold bite of the wind but that was it. They felt empty; holding no promise or passion, like kissing someone you held no attraction to. It was nothing like what I thought kissing Imogen would feel like but more importantly; nothing like what I experienced last night.
As I pulled away, I couldn’t control the beating of my heart as it quickened in my chest. Even if I wasn’t sure if I was seeking confirmation or not in that kiss, I got it. I don’t know when or how it started; but whether I liked it or not I was falling for Chase.
It wasn’t that the thought of Chase disgusted me; quite the opposite really, but I couldn’t stop myself as I backed up into a tree, leaning my back against it as my legs started feeling weak. The thought scared me. I’ve never felt so attracted to someone so much in my life and if that wasn’t bad enough; it was a guy. “I’m sorry” I breathed, glancing at Imogen as she stood there looking at me, shock written over her face.
“What the he-” I cut her off.
“Can you go back to the camp? I want to be alone”. I wasn’t trying to be rude, well not intentionally any way. But I needed to be alone. I had to process this by myself.
She glared at me suspiciously before sighing, “Fine, just don’t do anything stupid”.
“Thanks” I mumbled, sliding my back down the tree as she disappeared from view. It wasn’t until then did I notice the wetness that stained my cheeks. I was crying. Nothing serious but it was definitely there. Maybe it was just because of my stress or maybe it was the fact that everything I thought I knew was changing and I didn’t know what to do. Before yesterday I thought I was as straight as a pole, I’ve never been attracted to a guy but all because of one stupid kiss everything is changing. I pulled my arms tighter around my body, the true coldness of the air settling in as my body calmed down.
I jumped when a jacket was thrown at me; I really must be out of it not to have heard someone coming. I looked at where it came from; watching Kev as he sat down beside me. My adrenaline from before wore off the longer I sat here and now I just felt cold, tired and pathetic. Looking back at the way I acted felt like such an overreaction now but at the time I couldn’t control it.
I leant forward from the tree to put my jacket on, relishing in the warmth it provided. “Thanks” I mumbled; looking down at the ground as I felt him lean against me, resting his head on my shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it” he sighed. I felt him shifting as he repositioned himself against me; wrapping his arm around me, pulling me closer to him as he muttered something along the lines of “fuck it’s cold”. I chuckled, snuggling myself into his side. Most people would think this was weird but this isn’t the first time we’ve sat like this. This is how he used to hold me when he comforted me. It’s been a while since the last time it happened but nothing felt wrong about it as we sat together.
A few minuted passed before he spoke again. “So tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours”. His tone was softer and tender; understanding although I haven’t even told him anything.
“It’s nothing” I tried, twisting my finger nervously in a final attempt to hide from the truth. It’s one thing to think something; to have it confined within the walls of your mind, but saying it out loud? Saying it out loud made it real and there was no going back once that happened.
Kevin sighed, “How long has we known each other?”
“18 years” I sighed.
“Yep. Your entire life; and whether you like it or not I know you better than anyone.” It was true. He’s been there for me more times than my own parents have. That’s why he is my brother. “I can tell when something’s wrong and I haven’t seen you like this since Chloe.” I flinched at the mention of my ex, or the last person I ‘officially’ dated two years back. It still hurt to think about the way she left me. “I was going to leave it alone and let you sort it out on your own but I can’t bear to see you like this. You know you can trust me and nothing you can do or say will change that. I’ve got your back no matter what. You need me to help you hide a body and I’ll be there, shovel and beer in hand”, he chuckled to himself before pausing once more. “Tell me what’s going on Trae.”
I stayed quiet for a few seconds before responding. “If I say it out loud then it’s real; there’s no taking it back” I mumbled.
“Well then” he paused, thinking for a second. “I’ll just have to guess it then wont I?”
He was silent for a few minutes before he spoke again. “It’s got nothing to do with Chase has it? You kept staring at him before” I felt my cheeks heat up at his words… is it that obvious? “I swear to god if he’s done anything to hurt you I will-“
“He hasn’t done anything” I assured, cutting him off. I knew where he was going with that and the thought of anyone laying their hands on him; hurting him in any way sparked a form of protectiveness in me. Even the thought of that person being Kevin rubbed me up the wrong way.
He went silent again. I sighed under my breath. I was going to tell him everything eventually so I may as well get it off my chest now. “So I kissed Imogen”
“What?!” he exclaimed excitedly, pulling himself away a little and grinning at me, “When?”
“I dunno” I shrugged, “15 minutes ago? Just before you got here.” My voice was soft; nervous.
“Oh” He smirked teasingly, “Is that why she looked so traumatized?” He chuckled, “You’re not that bad are you?”
“Apparently” I chuckled. I wanted it to sound casual; light-hearted even, but it just sounded sad.
“Why aren’t you celebrating? You kissed the hottest girl from our school, I know I’d be!”
“I felt nothing” I paused, frowning “Absolutely nothing. I’ve wanted her for ages and as soon as I was getting close everything gets fucking ruined”. There was an edge of bitterness in my tone. I wasn’t sure if I was talking to myself or him, the words just left my mouth.
“Tell me what’s going on. Please.” His voice was still soft yet it held an essence of desperation behind it. I felt guilty as the words left his mouth. I know he really does care; it just took the tone of his voice to truly remind me just how much and how hard it is for him to see me like this again. It was obviously taking a toll on him.
I looked over at him. “Okay” I sighed, “It’s Chase”. I stopped there. I knew I hadn’t given him much but part of me still dreaded saying it; hoping that he would just take a stab and guess the rest himself, saving me from having to say it myself.
“What about him?” He pressed seemingly cautious.
“I think I-” I paused, the words were on the tip of my tongue but I could feel my throat closing, going dry as the words threatened to drift out. Come one Trae… It’s now or never. “I think I like him”.
I don’t know why I was worried because I knew he wouldn’t hate or judge me for something like this. Part of me was just scared; why I wasn’t sure, I just knew I had little control over it. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I heard a light chuckle escape his lips, “I knew it”.
I pulled myself away from him and stared at him with wide eyes. “What do you mean you knew?”
“Well” he started, “I wasn’t certain but I knew something was up. The way you’ve been looking at him over the last few days have definitely been interesting. And then that kiss…” I elbowed him as he whistled; my cheek feeling like they were on fire. “That was one hell of a kiss” he chuckled, “And then you’ve been weird ever since.”
“Is it that obvious?” I chuckled nervously, looking down at the ground.
He thought about it for a second. “Not really” he assured. I couldn’t help but feel a little relieved as the words let his mouth, “As I said; I know you.”
“So tell me” he continued, “What is it about that Irish Stud that seems to have you all hot and bothered?” His tone has changed from soft and caring to casual and teasing; which I’m extremely glad for.
I thought about it for a second; what was it that actually made me feel this way? Sure his eyes were gorgeous; unlike any I have ever seen and then there were his lips… god were they soft. I licked my lips, the memory of his taste still lingering strongly on my senses. His accent that always made me smile; the way he sounded pronouncing everyday words just sounded so funny yet absolutely adorable at the same time. Then there was his smile; his real smile that reached his eyes and tinged his cheeks with a pink hue. He always seems so shy or embarrassed when he smiles; covering his mouth like he doesn’t want anyone to see it but once you did you couldn’t take your eyes off it. It was just one of those smiles.
But other than that I don’t know; we hardly know each other. I’ve hardly even taken notice of his body. Even when we went swimming the other day I remember him having a nice body but I wasn’t taking notice of it. It was before our kiss and before these feelings. His skin was soft though; that much I do remember. “I don’t know?” I mumbled, “I didn’t even know I want gay” I paused, frowning at my words. “Bi” I corrected.
“Life’s too short for labels” Kev sighed, “Guy or not you like him. Anybody with half a brain could tell that you had no control over these feelings.” I felt my heart swell at his words; how I got so lucky to have him in my life I will never know.
“Thanks” I sighed, leaning my head on his shoulder. “I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that”
“What are brothers for?” He chuckled, “Just promise me I’ll be your best man at the wedding.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves” I laughed, playfully elbowing him. “Besides, I messed up. I pushed him away and he told me to forget anything ever happened.”
He scoffed. “Wow. He really has done a number on you hasn’t he?”
“What do you mean?” I frowned.
“Since when have you of all people been so mushy? What happened to Trae Williams gets anyone he wants” He mocked.
“Any girl he wants” I corrected, “I know it shouldn’t make a difference but it feels different. No girl, not even Chloe, has ever made me feel like this. It scares the shit out of me that after being attracted to girls and only girls my entire life that one person can come along and change everything.”
“I bet” he sighed, “I know it’s hard but you just have to overcome that fear; make it your bitch. Go up to him, kiss him and tell him you love him. Simple.”
“It’s not love” I corrected. Although I shut it down the thought lingered, could it be? “And I can’t just go up to him and kiss him.”
“Why not?” He shrugged.
“Because-” I started but he cut me off.
“Do you think you’re the only one who has been staring? He can hardly take his eyes off you and you think that kissing him and pushing him away is going to change that? I’d bet that he told you to forget about it because he wants you more than ever. You pushed him away and now he’s pushing you away. As far as he knows you’re as straight as they get and I’d want you to let it go too if all I thought was coming was a pity speech. If you want my opinion you man up, go up to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe even drag him behind inside a tent afterwards and have your wicked way with him, show him what he’s missing.” He winked, a smirk flashing across his features. I couldn’t help but laugh briefly.
I sat there silently for a few seconds letting his word sink in. He was right about everything. I didn’t even need him to tell me what I had to do to know what I needed to do. Whatever it was that made me so attracted to him also made me act so stupid and quite simply, pathetic; Everything I’ve never been.
“Okay” I sighed, “I just need a little time.”
-End of Chapter 7-
A/N- So here’s chapter 7.. a lot longer than i originally thought.
Attached photo is Keira Knightley or Skye Calisto.. just picture her a few years younger like all the other people i’ve chosen haha. And that concludes all the main characters!
Attached song is ‘The Fall’ by ‘Imagine Dragons’. Quite a beautiful song if i do say so myself. Fantastic album as well.
Once again thanks for reading! I know its pretty boring at the moment but hopefully it changes soon!
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