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I rolled onto my back, silently watching the roof of the tent as shadows from the moonlight danced around on the fabric; swaying slightly in the wind. Kevin’s snoring filled my ears once again; only this time it was welcome. It disrupted the silence that surrounded me, suffocated me; leaving me with my thoughts in the darkness.
I couldn’t sleep and the night felt endless; my mind refusing to shut down for a second as it replayed the events of last night over and over again. He continued playing, pretending as if nothing was wrong; but not once did he look in my direction. I could tell by the look on his face that he was hurting and it was all my fault. He tried to push me away but I didn’t let him and now I know I messed up.
The thoughts didn’t only make me feel guilty; they also made me feel confused. The way his hand felt against my chest; the surprisingly soft texture of his lips as they pressed against mine. I know I’m not gay, or at least I thought I wasn’t, all I know is that last night… I sighed, rubbing my face with my hands. Last night felt fantastic. I’ve never felt such electricity… such sparks kissing anyone else before and if I’m completely honest… it scares me more than anything else has in a long time.
It scared me that I didn’t want to stop and it scared me even more that once I did; I wanted to go straight back over there and do it all over again. The only reason I stopped was because of the whimper that escaped his lips and the effect it had on me. I don’t think a sound has ever had such an effect on me before. It scared me that such a simple thing gave me the desire, the need to kiss every inch of his skin. Every time I managed to shut my eyes any longer than a second I heard it, filling my mind and flooding my senses.
I dragged my hand down my chest, stopping over the spot where his hand pressed against me. I could still feel his fingers where they scrapped against my chest as his hands closed; lingering and unforgotten.
Was it all because of the alcohol? Or do I like him more than I’m brave enough to admit? It’s the only thing that made sense at the moment. Is that why Imogen didn’t affect me as much as I thought she would… she gave me a lap dance for god sake! I mean… it was hot but it just felt like such a distant memory compared to what happened with Chase. Was I falling for him? Is that even possible? I groaned, pushing the thought out of my mind for the hundredth time that night.
I rolled onto my side, pulling my arms closed around my chest. I squeezed my eyes closed only for my mind to be pulled back to the place of my insomnia. Throughout all of this, I couldn’t help but wonder how Chase was feeling… was he going through the same as me?
…
I pulled a jacket around my body before opening the tent and stepping out. The sun rose up just beyond the dark silhouette of the tree’s horizon, lighting up the sky in its wake. I still couldn’t sleep and although it was cold outside, hence the jacket, there’s only so much of Kevin’s snoring one guy could take before he goes insane. My eyes instantly landed on the log where Chase lay on the log the morning prior; but not today. A part of me was glad but at the same time I wasn’t. I wanted to see him, even if I had no idea what I would say to him or even if I would be able to say anything to him. I just wanted to know to know if he was okay… even if I was sure he wasn’t. Would he even want to talk to me?
My eyes then drifted to his tent, would he still be in there? He had his own tent to himself which I’m a little envious of but at the same time I’m not because I’d imagine it to get a little creepy at night. Though if I had the choice between Kevin’s snoring or a little creepy I know what I’d choose. I don’t know where it came from but the thought to go over to his tent crossed my mind but I pushed it away without a second thought. It was possibly one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever had; besides, I’m probably the last person he’d want to see.
I turned, walking to the path that led to the clearing. Like this area, it basically bordered the river and I needed time away from being around everyone else to just think and breath in silence. I noticed a slight headache at the back of my mind; whether it was from the alcohol or lack of sleep I had no idea. Maybe it was from all the thinking I’ve done or maybe it was a mixture of all three; who knows?
I sat down by the water and just watched. I watched the sky as the sun rose, turning the darkness into light; beckoning the new day. I watched as the trees swayed; leaves rustling in the wind as it wrapped around its limbs. I watched as the birds spun and twisted in the air, the breeze flowing through their feathered wings. I watched as fish jumped out of the water only to come crashing straight back down; ripples emanating from their disturbance on the calm surface. Why did they do that?
I don’t know how long I sat there but I knew I had to head back sooner or later. As I started walking the notion to turn back struck my mind, already missing the tranquillity. I shook my head, pushing the thought aside; I knew what I was trying to do. Run and hide from my fears. I never do that.
As the camp came back into view I couldn’t stop myself from searching for Chase; he still wasn’t up. Everyone else was up, including Seb, as they sat around laughing and eating pancakes. My eyes met Imogen’s but my gaze averted instantly; this was all her fault. All of this confusion; none of it would have happened if it wasn’t for that stupid dare.
“There you are!” Kev exclaimed, “Where the hell have you been?” His voice was light-hearted and I was glad for that. I don’t know if he suspects anything about last night but for how long we’ve known each other I have no doubt he does; he knows me better than myself sometimes. He would have seen everything last night, like everyone else; I just hope everyone was too drunk to remember.
“Couldn’t sleep” I chuckled, “And your snoring didn’t exactly help”. I tried to keep my voice indifferent, feign that nothing was bothering me. I don’t know if I pulled it off too well though; even I wasn’t convinced.
“Whatever” He laughed, though I couldn’t help but notice the frown that flashed over his cheerful expression. He definitely knew something was up. “Come get some pancakes”.
“Maybe later, I’m not hungry” I walked over to sit down on the log.
“Come on” Kev pressed, “I made them myself!”
“Yep, definitely not hungry” I chuckled, sitting down; staring blankly at the burnt embers of the fire.
“What!” he said defensively, “Even ask Seb! They’re amazing!”
I couldn’t but laugh as he coughed, almost choking on his mouthful. “They’re… uhh interesting?” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact with everyone and everything.
Kev frowned, looking down at the cooking plate as he cooked more. “They’re not that bad are they?” he mumbled; a mixture of concern and doubt laced in his voice. He picked up one of the cooked ones and took a bite. A few seconds passed before he coughed, covering his mouth with his free hand. I chuckled as he muttered a few words under his breath.
I don’t know if he said any more as my mind drifted off; my eyes drifting back to Chase’s tent once again. He was the first person up yesterday so it had to mean something that he was now the last person up. “You should go talk to him”. I jerked, startled as I turned to the direction where the voice came from. It was Teegan. Her hair was dishevelled and looked a little tired; but that’s expected when camping.
“What?” I knew what I heard but in my state of mind I couldn’t be sure it was what she actually said.
“Chase” she mumbled, “You should go talk to him. What Imogen did last night wasn’t very fair to him”. I wasn’t sure if she was talking more to me or herself but I could tell she was keeping her voice down. She sat down beside me and sighed into her hands.
“Is he okay?” It was the only question that came to my mind.
“I stayed in the tent with him last night. I could tell something was wrong and I didn’t want him to be alone”. I felt my heart constrict at her words. This was all my fault. “I tried to talk to him this morning but he said he wanted to be alone”.
“What makes you think he wants to see me?” I asked quietly; staring at my fingers as I twisted them.
“I know him” She replied, “More than he would like to admit. He says that he wants to be alone but that’s what he does; he pushes people away when all he wants is for them to be close. All because of his reaction last night, I have a feeling he would rather be annoyed by you”.
“Why?” The word came a little hoarse; my throat feeling dry as the conversation went on. Why would he care so much? I’m an arsehole; Plain and simple. My actions last night proved that.
“I honestly don’t know why” She laughed quietly, “You’re not exactly the sweetest guy out there. Sure you’re hot but that only goes so far”. I don’t even know why her words were affecting me as much as they were. I’ve never really cared about what people thought of my personality when it came to relationships; or lack there of. As long as they were good in bed I didn’t care. Only now was it bothering me how true that statement was. “But” she continued, “Something tells me that he really likes you”. I couldn’t help the smile as the words left her mouth.
“We hardly even know each other” The words came out quiet; more for my ears than hers, like a doubt that shouldn’t be voiced to begin with.
“I know” she shrugged, “I know you’re scared but don’t be. These things happen, usually when you least expect it. I know that what’s happened isn’t your fault, just… please don’t hurt him. He’s a great guy and I swear to god if you hurt him you’ll feel the wrath of Teegan” She laughed, punching my arm softly. “He’s down by the water, go talk to him” With that she left, squeezing my shoulder reassuringly before leaving me all on my own. I watch her as she walked away, her words playing over in my head. He likes me. Why did it make me so damn happy?
I stood up and walked down towards the river. As I walked, I found myself subconsciously playing with my hair and pulling at my shirt in an attempt to ease my nerves; my feeling of self-consciousness coming back all over again. When I saw him I stopped, watching him for a second before having to confront him. He sat on the sand, legs crossed in front of him; his hair was blowing lightly in the breeze. I’m not too sure what he was looking at but I was glad to see that he wasn’t looking down at the ground.
I stepped forward quietly, cautiously; not wanting him to know I was coming in case he got the urge to run. At least that’s how I thought he may react but that’s my insecurities talking. I stopped a few feet away from him… what did I even want say? What could I say? A few seconds passed before I said anything. “Chase”. It’s all that would come to my mind; and it came out with an almost cautious tone.
He jumped slightly as if I interrupted his thoughts. A few seconds passed before he turned to face me, a slight smile on his face. I could tell it was forced; I loved seeing him smile but seeing this one hurt, it didn’t even come close to reaching his eyes. “Hey” he replied. He sounded a little different; like there was indifference or emptiness in the way he spoke to me. Like when we first met, before he started opening up to me. I hated it but what could I do? His eyes drifted back to the ground. I hated that even more.
“Hey” I replied, repeating what he said. I shifted awkwardly on my feet; I still had no idea what I wanted to say. “I-“
“Did Tee send you down here?” he asked, cutting me off. His tone wasn’t harsh or accusing; it was the same as before, indifferent with a lingering hint of sadness.
“No… I mean yes… I mean, she spoke to me but I wanted to talk to you” I stammered. My words came out quick, rushed almost. He glanced at me before turning back to the water.
He sighed, “What’s there to talk about?” If he said it any softer I wouldn’t have heard what he said. I took a few tentative steps forward, stopping next him. I sat down beside him, sighing as I looked out at the water for a few minutes. The silence wasn’t comfortable at all. I could see him in the corner of my eye as he played with his fingers. I wanted to turn and look at him but I couldn’t; I felt like if I did I would make him more uncomfortable than he already was.
“Listen Chase” I started, “About last night; I’m so-“
“I understand” he cut me off. I looked at him; his eyes were plastered to the ground. “I get it” he repeated, “A dare’s a dare and you were drinking. You’re straight and it meant nothing. I knew that but I just thoug-” He paused, cutting himself off with a sigh. “I think we should forget it ever happened; put it behind us”. He glanced at me, catching my eyes for a second. The look in his eyes made my heart ache.
“Chase… I-“
“Please” He mumbled, his voice sounding almost strained. There was so much I wanted to say but how could I say it all when he didn’t want to listen. I can’t blame him though. I was so confused about how I actually felt it scared me to think that I could hurt him if I tried to convince him of something that could be nothing. What if I tell him I like him only to spare his feelings? Only to find out later that I mistook the friendship that formed so quickly and so easily between us, for something that wasn’t even there. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.
“Okay” I mumbled. He gave me an out and I should be glad about it. I’ve never let myself have feelings for anyone since I got my heart broken 2 years ago; and it’s always worked for me. I should be glad that he gave me the option to leave before either of us got hurt. But if the feeling in my gut had anything to say about how I felt; then I wasn’t glad at all. It felt like I let him go; leaving a feeling of emptiness in its place. Why he affected me this much I don’t know; maybe it’s nothing and I’ll find that out in time. I could only hope that was the case.
-End of Chapter 6-
A/N- I assure you i’m not losing interest in writing this story! I’ve gone on a holiday type thing to visit family for 2 weeks and i never knew how little time i was going to have access to my laptop let alone a pen and book! As always, thank you for reading and sticking with me!!
The attached photo is of Zendaya Coleman, or Teegan Coleman.
Attached song is ‘Sihlouettes’, by ‘Of Monster and Men’. This song is so beautiful! It bought a tear to my eye the first few times i heard it.. It was also in the soundtrack for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.
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