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Like so many other firsts, I walked into the school for the first time without wondering if the way I walked looked feminine or if maybe I should’ve dressed simpler. Cause who gives a flying fuck? (It’s not me) I walked into school as that.
Me.
People stole glances. Who was this new person walking through the lobby with such contentment? If they had asked, I wouldn’t have been able to answer because he just as much a stranger to me. But I couldn’t stop and ponder, I had things to do.
I had texted Micha to meet me in the Library where we usually sit together. He was already there reading a book when I sat down.
“Good morning Arthur, you look nice today,” he said with a warm smile, closing the book.
Normally I would reply with an awkward thanks. But I won’t stand for toxic masculinity anymore.
“Thank you Micha, know that you look handsome every day,” I said truthfully.
He smiled again.
“Things are good are they?” he asked.
“Yes, they are really are,” I replied, truly feeling meaning it.
“So what did you wanna tell me?” he asked more seriously.
I took a deep breath and once I found the strength to meet his gaze, I told him.
“I like guys. I wrote the List.”
He let out a long sigh. Was that relief?
“I thought you were gonna tell me you had cancer or something,” he said in a lighter tone.
“So you don’t care?”
“Arthur, not to be mean, I don’t really give a fuck, all I care about is you. And this is the true you so it’s even better,” he replied.
Well that was easy. But of course it was. I got up from my chair and hugged him for a long time.
“You’re my best friend Micha,” I told him.
“Good, that’ll be twenty bucks,” he joked.
And then we sat and just talked. He didn’t even really ask questions about me being gay, because he really didn’t care about that, he wanted to know about me. To think I had kept myself from one of the few people who mattered.
“I have to talk to some others, but I’ll see you in Chemistry okay?” I said, hugging him once more.
“You got it,” he replied.
This one might not be as easy. I almost wish I didn’t know where to find him, but I knew. He was there, as expected, smoking in the parking lot.
“Hey Noah,” I called out.
He turned around and greeted me with a smile.
“Hey Arthur, what’s up? Usually don’t catch you out here in the morning,” he said, flicking the cigarette away.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
This was gonna be more difficult than I thought. It was different with Micha. Noah had known me forever and what if he liked me, for the old me?
“For sure,” he replied more seriously.
I led him over to the cement staircase that led to the lower lot. We sat down and for a moment just looking at the people leaving their cars, and listened to the tick as the engines cooled off in the heat.
“I wrote the List,” I said quickly before I could even think about it.
He stared ahead for a moment longer in silence.
“Arthur, I know,” he said.
“You did?” I asked truly confused.
He finally turned to meet my gaze.
“The description, on the List, it said I was distant. Your the only person in my life that would care enough to write something like that,” he said, clearly trying to hold back some emotions.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked, shocked.
“I was hurt Arthur, which is fucking selfish of me, but I was hurt that you couldn’t tell me. You are my best friend man,” he said.
“So you don’t care?” I asked hesitantly.
“Arthur, fuck man. I wouldn’t care if you wanted to identify as a banana tree you’re my friend.”
Then we hugged.
I pulled back after a few moments.
“We need to talk like this more often, I know you’ve been dealing with some shit for a while and I wanna help,” I said, taking in the moment.
“And I wanna start being a real friend. None of that on and off bullshit okay?” he said, meeting my gaze once again.
“Deal.”
We sat on the stairs for a few more minutes, not saying anything just sort of basking in support that was friendship.
“Thomas sort of asked me out. And I’m gonna say yes,” I said quietly, as if not to disturb the moment we were in.
“Fuck finally man, you need somebody. Thomas is one fine catch even I’ll say,” he chuckled.
“Yeah, he is.”
“So go on!” Noah said, standing up.
“What do you mean?”
“Go get your man!” he replied laughing.
“You know what, I will.”
We hugged again and made plans to hang out after school.
The bell rang, we hugged once more and I headed to English.
You wanna know what’s a nice feeling? Walking into a room and watching someone’s expression light up as they see you.
“Bon matin monsieur Levesque,” I said in my intentional bad French accent, taking the seat beside him.
“Good morning Arthur,” he replied in an over-exaggerated English one.
We sat in silence for a moment just looking at each other. So this is what all the craze was about. This is how it’s really supposed to feel.
“Yes,” I said plainly.
Thomas understood immediately and took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Ok, right away we are starting with your book report presentations. Who would like to go first?” Mr. Krone asked, striding through the door.
Fuck.
“Fuck,” I mumbled.
Thomas raised his hand.
“Thomas we didn’t finish,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Let’s improvise, we know the book,” he said with a reassuring smile.
I hesitated, but why the fuck not?
“Okay gentlemen, give us a quick synopsis and then be prepared to answer the comprehension questions,” Mr. Krone groaned, which rhymes, so it’s true.
I was prepared to start but Thomas was clearly more ready for this than I was.
“Challenger Deep, by Neal Shusterman, is about a guy named Caden Bosch who slowly develops schizophrenia,” he said confidently.
Our presentation went really well actually. If I didn’t know the answer to a question, Thomas did. Soon, Mr. Krone asked us our final question.
“What is the overall message the author wishes to convey to readers in the end?”
Thomas looked ready to answer but I gave him a signal that I could.
“At the end of the story, we realize that although things will be difficult, and we will face challenges, if we take it day by day, then we’re gonna be okay. And that’s enough to keep going.”
Mr. Krone had actually looked up from his computer and for the first time in probably a very long time, he smiled.
“Great job boys, you may return to your seats,” he said softly.
And wasn’t it true? Things would be difficult sometimes but for right now they were okay and that was enough. The List had changed my life in a week. Who knew? Certainly not me. It wouldn’t be easy to slip rhythm of being myself, but even better, things would be good too, like when I introduce him to my parents for the first time and they actually start seeing me as a person, or when we graduate and get our first apartment together, or maybe when Thomas falls down on one knee with a ring in hand on the Eiffel tower while we are visiting his cousins. (Honestly dont know if he has cousins there but this is my fantasy).
But until then, I take his hand into mine because that’s enough for now.
Fin
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