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“So the answer’s the square root of 2 over 2, right?” Rin scribbled confidently across his page, circling the final number in pen. “Because this becomes cosine of 7pi over 4.”
“You’re telling me we did all that work to get root 2 over 2?”
To reduce the last 10 minutes of furious mental work and class note dissection to something I could find on my 9th grade unit circle was a crime.
“At least we didn’t get 1 again.”
My best friend’s joke fell on deaf ears. If he was trying to convince me to give up on my high school career so I could finally avoid advanced mathematics, then it was working.
Instead of silently taking down notes before agonizing over practice examples under a cloud of stressed murmuring, Mrs Smithson designed a scavenger hunt for us. We could pair up or go around the room solo, solving math problems we found on the wall to let us know which problem to solve next.
Compared to the usual classes where the most Rin and I communicated was through making faces from across the room, I was having a great time. Sure, doing copious amounts of work just to get answers like 1, 3, and ½ grinded my gears, but Rin made it worth it. He made it kind of fun.
“Besides, I’m solving all the problems for you,” he said, pulling on my shirt to say the words right into my ear. “It’s not like you’ve actually been doing any work.”
“Excuse me,” I jerked back with a glare, hand pressed squarely on the center of his chest. “Being confused is very emotionally taxing.”
Rin looked down at my hand, his eyes then sliding back up to my face before he smirked. The cheeky bastard. Even though I was clearly joking, he should be taking me seriously!
“Watch,” I stomped across the room, finding the next piece in our puzzle. “I’m going to do this problem all by myself. You’ll have to beg me for help.”
“Alright,” he chuckled, tucking his pen into his pocket. “I can beg.”
Twenty minutes later, class ended and Rin never begged. But I did prove that I could do the math without his help. Sure I wasn’t juggling school heartthrob status, a girlfriend, and a 4.0 GPA but I did pretty well for myself.
“You coming?” Rin asked, leaning on the wall just inside the classroom, his bag packed and slung over his shoulder. I might have zoned out in the middle of putting my stuff away so my hand was just frozen over my calculator, but I don’t think that question was necessary.
“Of course!”
Rin propped the door open with his arm, his eyes following me as I walked through the gap. I was barely out of the classroom when I latched his arm over my shoulder, tucking me into his side. He was wearing my favorite cologne: the expensive bottle Tyler convinced him to buy last boxing day.
The thick scent of cedar and musk would probably rub off his clothes onto mine. Maybe then he’d realize why I liked the scent so much. It was addictive, really. So hot and exciting. It was fine in small doses. But soon, you wouldn’t be satisfied with a single dose. You’d want to drown yourself in the smell, permanently stain your skin in it.
But you can’t. That’s impossible. A smarter person wouldn’t distance themselves from the cologne. They wouldn’t force themselves to be around something they want but can’t have. But Rin was the smart one, wasn’t he?
“Nice cologne,” I smiled, heaving in a dramatic whiff. The Elly that wasn’t in love with his best friend made those sorts of comments. Convincing Rin to put that cologne on daily used to be one of my favorite games back when I didn’t see the consequences.
Our steps had naturally synced as we walked down the hall, so it was easy for Rin to tuck his face into my neck and calmly say,
“Thanks . . . I wore it for you.”
I blinked at him in surprise.
“Really?”
Rin started talking about a show I’ve been obsessed with for months, expertly guessing that I was eager to find out if he liked it as much as I did. Unfortunately for him, I still saw the steady reddening of his ears and the center of his cheeks.
He wore the cologne for me.
And that was it. The reason why I couldn’t pull away.
—————
The two of us were still hip to hip when we arrived at our table. We were greeted by a loud chorus of “hey’s” which Rin returned before saying we needed to get our food. He didn’t ask if he could get my tray or anything like that. Rin just turned, dragging me along with him to join the line. But James stopped us after half a step, plucking me out from under Rin’s arm like a fruit from the supermarket.
“Sorry, Rin,” he apologized, his hands slipping around my waist. “El and I got plans.”
“You do?” Rin asked at the same time I blurted out.
“We do?”
“Yup. We’re going on a lunch date!” he announced. With the way he turned his body as he said it, I was sure everyone at the table could hear him as well.
“Oh, fun!” Steph chimed in, her gaze immediately falling on her boyfriend. “Rin, we should do that too.”
“Lunch is barely an hour,” I reasoned.
“Which is why we have to leave now.” With his hands still draped loosely over my hips, James started walking me out the room. “We’ll see you guys later.”
Minutes later, we were pulling up to a trendy cafe not far from the school. I’d never been inside before but I’d seen their burgundy coffee cozies all through the halls.
The medium sized store was, unsurprisingly, packed. I recognized half of the kids from the high school and the other half were just people unlucky enough to share their lunch break with minors.
James held my hand with a firm grip so my fear of getting swallowed by the crowd lessened. Just slightly.
Right as we pushed further past the mass and into the seating area, a group of three stood up, leaving a round table open. We practically tripped over ourselves clambering into those seats, triumphant about the small victory. That satisfaction was short lived though when we saw the disgustingly long line.
“I should have known it would be this busy,” James chided himself over the bustling noise. “I don’t want to make you late for class.”
“I could just show up late anyway,” I shrugged, watching James’s face become eerily puppy-like. “Or, we could order online.”
“Yes. That.” He scrambled to drag his phone out of his jeans’s pocket, making me laugh. “Let’s do that.”
Ordering our food sparked some sadistic tendencies inside of me. I had never felt more powerful picking up a sandwich in minutes where others had waited twenty minutes just to ask. I almost pitied those who patiently waited in line.
Of course, since this was a cafe geared towards the gen z and millennial crowd, I couldn’t decide if I liked the sandwich or not. My taste buds refused to tell me whether it was a fresh take on a classic grilled cheese or a too healthy, flavorless combo of carbs. So I swallowed it down and nodded when James asked if it was good.
A piece of spinach went down my windpipe instead of my throat and after 5 embarrassing seconds of violent coughing, I looked across the table to see James laughing at me. Was this the day I decided to never eat ever again?
“Sorry, you just look so embarrassed and it’s cute,” he chuckled. After a beat of silence, he reached across the table, trapping my hand under his. “I just love these quiet moments with you.”
“Quiet? I feel like that coughing was really loud.”
“No–I mean–I love being normal with you. Even the boring stuff is fun when I’m around you.” James explained, fingers hot against the back of my hand. “I feel like I could do this for a long time.”
The word love felt pointed when he used it. I tried not to jump to conclusions but maintaining eye contact was becoming almost painful.
“Where do you see yourself in, like, 10 years?”
“James, what the fuck?” I laughed, slipping my hand out from under his to drag over my face. “I don’t know. Not in high school. Working a job I like. Hopefully owning a condo if the economy isn’t still fucked.”
“I’d probably have my JD and be a certified lawyer working under a private practice.” he answered smoothly. I got the feeling he’d thought about this answer a lot. “Would you have kids by then?”
“No?”
“Agreed. We’d need more time to get settled.”
“I’m not sure how much settling I’d be doing at 26.” The sandwich wrapping was less than an inch from my fingers so it was easy to latch onto it and start ripping off squares as I talked. “I would still need time to travel and just exist without the constant pressure of a deadline on my shoulders.”
It was embarrassing to talk about my dreams of traveling the world and finding myself. Even I knew the idea sounded totally cliche and utterly unrealistic. Even if I did find a career that gave me enough freedom to travel, the odds of finding any deeper meaning from it were zero to none. Still, I couldn’t imagine chugging away at school then college then work for the rest of my life like all those years meant nothing.
I needed all this work to be for something. Something more than 2.5 kids and a picket fence.
I waited for the inevitable disappointment to show on James’s face. I wasn’t fitting into his lawyer dreams and carefully crafted 50-year plan. There’s no way he could be happy about that.
“Traveling sounds fun,” he agreed with a smile. “I’ve always wanted to visit Asia.”
The image of us together, backpacking through France or parading the streets of Japan made my stomach tense up. He so easily folded me into his plans again and himself into mine. I couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing. A quarter of my sandwich was left on the paper, waiting to be eaten, but I couldn’t bear the thought of taking another bite.
James insinuating that we might have a future together made my skin crawl but I bit back the discomfort and smiled at each joint dream he crafted. I knew the hesitation was only weighing down my chest because Rin was still in the picture. My mind and body were still completely fixated on him.
But that would change. They–or I–could learn to love someone else. To love James. If I could just shift my affections and get a new love, James would be perfect.
If I tried just a little bit harder, then James would be perfect for me.
———————————
As we already know, Elly is the king of good plans. There are never flaws in his plans ever.
I hope you enjoyed this update! What is your take on James at this point? Yay or nay?
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