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‘Hey… I’m sorry I made you mad enough to not want to be near me in class… I won’t push. Whatever is going on between you and Lin isn’t my business if you don’t want to tell me. But Tan you have me now and I’m not going anywhere I’m just worried. I care about you so please call when you’re ready to talk.’
Tan reads the text from Sven as he’s on the train heading to Harris’s house, the pit in his stomach hurts, is it guilt? Of course, it’s guilt, Tan isn’t strong enough to go without Harris for long he needs this. But Sven doesn’t deserve this and neither does Harris, let’s hope Tan gets to that conclusion.
Making it to Harris’s he knocks to no response, he tries again and is ignored hearing Harris’s muffled voice, Tan thinks to wait until Harris is ready to answer but his lack of patience gets the best of him. Grabbing the knob he doesn’t expect for the door to be unlocked but to his surprise, he is able to walk right in.
“Listen to me we go to court on Monday if there is a surprise witness Milton will need to know who it is, the drugs aren’t enough and none of our clients are talking!” He barks into the phone and Tan listens “I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ROPES! I gave you till the time I was gone, this case was literally handed to me last minute and I had no time to work on it. Listen to me we will not go unprepared find out who the witness is, get me those depositions or you can start looking for a new job.” He hangs up in a huff, frustrated about to throw his phone Harris turn around and see Tan standing at the door. “Tanner” he is surprised
“I um…” he shuts the door “I knocked”
“Sorry about that”
“I’ve heard worse from my dad, it’s like the walls of his office at home are made of paper” he smiles “I get it jobs are hard sometimes.” Noticing how lost in space Harris is, Tan walks closer placing his hands on the man’s shoulders standing behind him “you’re so tense” Tan begins to massage his shoulders “let me help.”
Harris has had a rough few weeks away and he didn’t know this was what he needed till he was feeling it, Tan’s touches are helping “I should start dinner” he comes out of his trance not letting his desires get the best of him.
“Don’t worry about that, Harry” Tan walks around him bringing their faces close. Missing Tan’s lips Harris doesn’t hold back kissing him, he takes the boy’s jacket off and they kiss their way to his room.
Left in the room after they’re done, Tan starts to put his clothes on when Harris walks in, “I’ve got the stove going-” he sees Tan getting dressed “you’re leaving?”
“Yeah I’m sorry” he puts on his shirt “if I stay out Scott and Shiela will be on my case, and things have been kind of good lately with them so I should try to maintain that.”
“Okay, do you want me to drive you home?”
“That’s ok I can take the train” Tan walks to Harris after he is fully dressed. “Tonight was amazing” he kisses the man “thank you”
“Call soon?”
“Sure” he kisses his cheek before leaving Harris in the room.
Making it to the train station on time Tan sits on the train home taking out his phone. Going straight for Sven’s text he reads it a couple of times, guilt starts to rush over him as his eyes scan Sven’s words.
It is easy to think Tan is taking everything he’s got for granted, or being greedy because he doesn’t know what to do or who to choose.
Finding it too late to call Tan decides to text Sven back, maybe he’ll be asleep and he won’t even see the text, at least that’s what Tan hopes. He doesn’t want to talk to Sven because he knows just the sound of the boy’s voice will make him hate himself. So he texts ‘I’m sorry I’m such a shitty person you deserve so much better.’ He hits send quickly locking his phone
Getting off the train when it gets to his stop, Tan walks heading home but stops when his phone starts to vibrate in his hand. Looking at Sven’s name on screen he contemplates answering but knows he’ll feel even worse ignoring the boy “hello?” He answers
“Can I see you?” Sven asks
“Um it’s kinda late would you rather pick me up tomorrow?”
“I can’t wait that long, I just really want to see you” Tan can hear the sweet plea in Sven’s voice making it hard for him to say no.
“Ok, why don’t I come over?”
“Or I can pick you up and we go for a drive”
“Sure I’ll be waiting out front”
“All right.” Sven hangs up and Tan takes off running, trying to make it home before Sven so it won’t seem as if he’s been out Tan rushes home. Standing on the sidewalk in front of his house Tan spots Sven’s Jeep pulling up, waiting till he stops Tan walks over climbing in the passenger seat. “Hey” Sven greets as he puts on his seat belt
“Hi” Tan keeps his eyes forward.
Sven drives and neither of them says a word, the silence in the car is present and no one knows when to address it. Sven does look over at Tan as his eyes focused out the window, he can see how sad Tan is and just assumes it’s his fault. They haven’t spoken all day so Sven takes the silence as Tan being mad at him, when in reality it was just guilt eating away at Tan. He doesn’t know how to do this and not be ashamed.
Finding a good spot Sven pulls over and puts the car in park, Sven turns to Tan and Tan still refuses to look at him. “I haven’t been able to focus on anything all day” Sven starts, “I don’t know what we are or where this is going but I know it’ll be hard to forgive if I’ve hurt you this early on. I mean everything’s just happening so fast” the words are softly spoken but clear enough for Tan to hear even though his averted eyes are looking elsewhere. “I’m really not sure what I did but I am sorry”
Trying to prevent the inevitable frown on his face, Tan holds back his tears as Sven talks but can’t any longer when Sven apologizes. Covering his face Tan quietly starts to cry, everything is hitting him and the overwhelmingness just became too much to bear. Sven isn’t sure how to react to the sobbing boy next to him, he knows it makes his heart ache to see that “I don’t deserve to be with someone like you, Sven” he cries into his palms “all I ever do is mess up everything I touch.”
Taking off his seatbelt Sven reaches over pulling Tan to him, wrapping his arms around Tan as he cries Sven says “you don’t mess up everything you touch Tan people just have a hard time figuring you out.” He runs his hands up and down the boy’s back “no one gives you the benefit of the doubt, but I’m on your side no matter what.”
Tan tries to stop crying, moving his hands from his face he hugs Sven back feeling so much better to be in the boy’s strong welcoming arms. Tan didn’t know what he was missing till he got that hug, it all felt like maybe everything would work out all right. “What if I am a liar?” He asks against Sven’s shoulder “could you give a liar the benefit of the doubt?”
“I told Lin that whatever you’re keeping from everyone has to have a good reason behind it, and when you’re ready to you’ll tell them.”
They let go and Tan takes off his seatbelt turning to him “what about you? Would you want to know?”
Sven thinks of the question “only if you want to tell me.”
Reaching out Tan takes Sven’s hand wrapping their fingers, a smile appears on his face loving the feeling of their fingers touching. “Thank you” his thump caresses Sven’s hand “sometimes it feels like I’m losing my mind” Sven watches him speak and Tan’s eyes concentrate on their hands “but you always pull me back.”
“Hey” Sven gets him to look up at him “I’m here no matter what.” They continue to look at each other and their smiles are obvious as to what both boys want to happen right about now, they start to lean closer till their noses touch. Tilting his head Tan’s lips reach Sven’s and the kiss is gentle, the moment their lips touch it’s very visible that is what they both want more than anything. Tan love Sven’s lips, how good they feel, taste, and the way he’s about to pull Tan in just by the lips. Their breathing intensifies as does the kissing, unable to hold himself back Tan moves closer climbing Sven’s lap.
In the middle of the night in Sven’s car, these boys didn’t care what was going on outside those windows because in there it’s just them two. Sven takes Tan’s jacket off running his hands up the boy’s shirt feeling his back. They’re not going to stop but in the back of his mind, Tan knows it’d be wrong to have sex with him right now. No, not because they’re in a car he doesn’t care about that, but because what he did earlier with Harris would still be evident.
Remembering Harris Tan pulls away and they stare at each other very out of breath “we shouldn’t have sex in a car, right?” Tan asks still on top of Sven
Sven laughs “probably not” Tan climbs off and Sven hands him his jacket “drive you home?” Tan nods and Sven puts his seatbelt on starting the car.
“How do you feel about coming over for dinner on Saturday?” Tan asks as Sven walks him to his door
“Sure I’d like that”
They stop at his door and Tan signals him to stay quiet “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He whispers moving closer bringing his hand up to Sven’s face stroking his face and hair
“Bright and early” Sven grins and Tan brings his lips for Sven to kiss. Holding Tan’s back Sven leans down giving Tan what he wants, after the kiss “good night”
“Good night.”
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