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TW: Mention of Rape And Feelings From it
James
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and confused, and I’m just stuck. Thomas gets out today after a month, but I don’t feel loyal anymore, I’m drained, emotionally and physically. The bruises go across my whole body, and his lingering touch still there. Again my tan skin, the purple isn’t a huge contrast, but they are a friendly reminder.The screaming, the crying, the pain. I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, but the betrayal. He was my best friend, my colleague of years, and he did that to me.
A knock at the door makes me nearly jump out of my skin, as I pull my shirt down. The door opens, and I see Thomas, looking better then ever before. His face fuller, eyes full of color, sparkling, and he looks happy for once. “James!” He cries out, running to me, wrapping his arms around me tightly, burying his head into my shoulder, “I’ve missed being here with you.”
I smile softly to myself forcing a smile, as he untangles his arms, grabbing his stuff. “I missed you too.” Laughing softly, as we walk back to his room.
We laugh, and share stories about stuff that’s been missed, as we get him settled in, but I still can’t shake the feeling of being disloyal to him. Well I didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter, Tyler isn’t exactly weak. I’m distracted, I know. I can’t help it. He raped me, he really did. Why did he do that to me? I thought we were friends? I’m jerked out of my thoughts, as Thomas pulls me onto the bed beside him.
As I fall onto the bed beside him, the disloyalty in my chest grows stronger and stronger, but I’m afraid to tell Thomas. “I wanted to say thank you.” He mumbles, burying his face into my chest. It’s late, it took us two hours of settling in so now it’s around 11pm, he must be tired. “For what?” I question, not really understanding. “You gave me 30 reasons to live, James. You saved my life, I literally can’t repay you.” Thomas says, but I’m quite distracted, except not by the other thing, but by Thomas.
He pulls a blanket over both of us, turning off the light by the bed, whilst I’ve been thinking. “You don’t have to thank me , you saved me also.” Wrapping my arms around him gently, he reaches back to turn on the light, looking at me angrily. The hickey on my neck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “Why is there a hickey on your neck?” Blood and anger boiling in his voice. “You cheated on me?” He cries out, and that’s when I panic.
I hate yelling.
I can’t stand yelling. He’s gonna hurt me. Yelling. Yelling. Yelling.
“T-Tyler.” I begin to stutter, his face turning blank. “You fucked my psychiatrist? That’s a low move.” He sobs in response moving away from me.
Thomas
As he clings onto me, I realize he’s having a panic attack, but I don’t know what to do. A 1000 words are on my mind,
most of them revolving around the word cheater. He cheated on me, while I was in the hospital. “N-no I have no- No I had no choice, no choice.” He sobs, and it hits me, it wasn’t consensual, or is he lying. “Did he rape you?” I ask hesitantly. “I’m so sorry Thomas, I didn’t want you to find out.. Please don’t break up with me, I’m sorry.” He pleads, with hiccups. It’s in this situation that I don’t know what to do. James usually puts be back together so much but I don’t know how to help him.
I’ve neglected it for the past 3 months, not knowing how to put him back together. Yet, the more I think about it, he doesn’t need to be put back together, he just needs someone to tell him everything is gonna be okay. He’s put me back together to the point where he never helped himself. Now it’s my turn to help him.
I’m not mad anymore.
In fact the anger in me, has now turned to pity, as the strong man beside me has been reduced to nothing.
I think back to what they taught us at therapy. Repetitive movements can help calm one from a panic attack or be calming. Is the only thing that manages to come to my mind, as I sit beside him, I take his hand gently, running small circles across his palm. “Repetitive movements calm.” He laughs softly, sniffling slightly. “Hey I’m not the psychiatrist.” I laugh, being slightly entranced by his emerald green eyes.
“Please don’t leave me, I’m really sorry. I didn’t want you to find out.” He looks up at me, his eyes wide, and quite frankly extremely pleading. “I’m not gonna leave you, James. You didn’t have a choice in the matter, and I’m not shitty enough to leave you for that. I mean yea I’m pretty shitty, but not that bad.” His response to me, is laying his head on my shoulder, and my instinct being, to wrap my arms around his waist. Which of course is what I do, he’s also really warm… “W-When did it happen?” I ask. “Two weeks ago.” He confesses, his voice muffled. “Oh my god James. Was it that night you didn’t visit me?” He nods in response, his lip bitten to the point of blood.
I pull him closer, basically has tight as possible, not wanting to let go. Although this is weird, considering this is the first time he’s let his guard down. Why? “I love you.” He mumbles into my chest, and I smile. Now I know why James always smiles at me. It’s cute, especially when people are tired, and mumbling. He buries his head into my chest, and wow I know why he likes to be dominate. Back to the current problem at hand though, as I look down at him. “I love you too..” I murmur, running my hand through his curly black hair gently.
“Can I punch him in the face?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood. “No.” He mumbles softly, but laughs, so it’s a start. “Are you okay, James?” I question, and he nods, I instantly know he’s lying. “I started eating again, it’s hard but I did it.” “I knew you could do it, I had a lot of faith, you’re strong Thomas.” He sits up, as I pout because I have no warmth. “You are using me for warmth?” James asks laughing, as I cross my arms in mock anger. “You’re really warmmmm.” I whine, as he pulls out his phone. “Sorry I’m getting a call.” He puts the phone up to his hear, listening intently.
I can’t make out what the guy on the phone is saying, but it seems serious. “She did what?” He asks, his voice full of concern. “I’ll be there, probably in an hour or so.” James sighs, putting his phone in his pocket, while crawling outta bed. “Hey are you-” “It’s my mother, she attempted suicide, she’s in the hospital, I have to go sign papers, guess what Thomas, you’re meeting my mother.”
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