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WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE READING THAT, THERE ARE “****” TO SIGNAL WHERE IT STARTS AND ENDS!
Edited: No
Jacob’s POV
I woke up and I already want to go to bed. I hate school so much, and I do not want to go back to school.
I have to face Kaden, who put me in a hospital and Michele won’t be there because of her fever.
I’m not that much worried about the schoolwork because I’ve been doing a good job at teaching myself because I don’t have anything to do in my life.
I didn’t want to put any effort in my outfit today, but I still wanted to look somewhat decent. I wore a plain black t-shirt and my ripped black skinny jeans. I really need new clothes. I went to the kitchen and once again, I am home alone, just the usual.
Michele already texted me that she wasn’t going to school, but since I have my own car, I can bring myself to school. I quickly grabbed an apple, rinsed it off before getting into my car.
“Well, now its now or never.”
-=+=-
I entered the school building with my head down, no one acknowledging me which is really shocking, because I would always get stares, but today seems different. Maybe today will be a not as bad day?
I went to my locker, put in the combination and opening it, but an envelope fell out. I looked around me and saw no one near me because I came pretty late so everyone is probably in class, or heading to class now.
I picked up the envelope, which wasn’t sealed, which made it easier to open and read it to myself.
I know more about you than you know Jacob. I have a surprise for you soon, be prepared 🙂
After reading that sentence, I got goosebumps and all the color drained from my face. I looked around and still saw nothing. I quickly grabbed my supplies for Calculus, and made my way to class before I’m late to her class for a second time.
I walked into class with my head down, but my teacher called my name.
“Jacob, could I have a word with you?” I looked up, and walked towards her desk and gave a small nod, “you’re not in trouble don’t worry, I just wanted to let you know if you have any problems here at school or at home, don’t be afraid to talk to me. You are one of the top students in your whole class.”
“Okay, thank you.” I said, she just nodded and returned to grading papers on her desk.
I’m not gonna tell her anything to be honest. I don’t like the thought of a teacher knowing more about my personal life. Talking to a therapist was hard enough for me and talking to a teacher who probably doesn’t care won’t make this situation any better.
-=+=-
I’m in the locker room, after finishing my least favorite class in the whole world, gym. I always am the first to enter, the first to leave the locker room because that is where I always get made fun of being gay because people would say “I would stare” even though looking at that area would be the last thing I wanna do. As I was about to leave and head to the front of the school to wait for the bell, I accidentally ran into someone and stumbled.
“Well, the person I was looking for.” I heard a voice say, the one voice I was dreading to hear. Kaden.
“Where’s your friend? Did she leave you just like your dad did?” As soon as he brought up my dad, I froze in my spot and looked at him in the eyes, mine full with horror and his full of amusement.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I stuttered out and tried to leave, but he grabbed my arm and forcefully pulled me back to where I was once standing.
“You’re not going anywhere. You’re lucky I don’t beat you to death right now.” He said, but I’d rather get beat up than hear about my dad.
“You’re dad left you Jacob. I know that, don’t try to hide it. He probably made the right decision too.” He said with a smirk on his face.
I looked down, feeling tears brim my eyes, wanting this to end.
“He probably left you because you’re a fag. I know I would.” He said, and those words hurt more than they should. A single tear fell from my face and made a quiet tap noise as it reached the floor.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you.” He said as roughly pulled my head up by my chin to make me look at him.
“You’re an embarrassment in this world Jacob. I don’t know why you don’t kill yourself. No one wants you here. No student wants you here. Your dad probably left because he wanted you to kill yourself huh?” He said, and the tears are just flowing down my face.
“N-no, he loved me.” I whispered out, feeling so vulnerable right now, which he just scoffed in response.
“Sure Jacob, sure. He probably killed himself, because he hated you that much. Its a shame how it should’ve been you.”
“You know what? He probably would still be alive, if you weren’t even born.” Those words were basically a stab in the heart. Those words killed me, because its true. He would still be living if it wasn’t for me.
The final bell rang and soon students were crowding the halls as I was crying and so weak in front of Kaden.
“Well, I got to go. See you tomorrow.” Kaden said winking before walking off.
I stood in the same spot facing the floor as the tears were flowing out of my eyes like rivers. I no longer wanted to be here. I wanted to sleep and never wake up because this world would probably be better without me. I sprinted to my car, just wanting to get home
I cried through my whole trip home, and once I got inside my house I let everything out. I ran into the bathroom, slid down the door and sobbed. Not caring if the whole world could here my crying.
Everything Kaden said was true. He was right. My father would still be alive, my mom wouldn’t be working as hard if I wasn’t even born.
The temptation was too much, I stood up from my seat and scavenged the drawers to find a certain thing. A razor.
****
I quickly pulled the sharp object off the tool and held it in my hand looking at it, inspecting it before holding it against my wrist.
I slid it across my wrist, wincing at the pain I felt at first, but it soon went away, making everything numb. My tears were still flowing out of my eyes so I could not see how deep the razor was going.
This process went on until I have at least 6 new cuts on each arm. The sink had puddles of blood mixed with my tears. I stared at my wrist, blood slowly seeping out of each and every new cut on my arm.
I haven’t cut in two years. I broke my whole two year record that after a year of not cutting, Michele was confident in me for overcoming my self-harming for the second time.
I cleaned the blood in the sink and cleaned my wrist. The stinging pain slowly returning as I rinsed each new cut on my arms. I looked back into the drawer to pull out bandage wraps and wrapped it around my wrists, blood marks already being seen as I wrapped the first layer.
I wrapped it around each arm until I no longer could see the bloodstains, now I just have to hide the bandages from everyone I know.
****
Do I regret this decision? No. I deserve this. I am at fault for my father’s death. I am at fault for my mom overworking herself. I’m at fault for so many things that my life is a nuisance. Nothing else. Why don’t I just end it here.
I left the bathroom and walked into my mom’s room. I looked around her room until I saw sleeping pills. I grabbed the bottle, and poured 3 in my hands before swallowing them in one go. I returned the bottle where I’ll found it, making it look untouched before leaving.
I walked into my room getting out of my flannel and putting an over sized sweater. I felt dizzy, so I stumbled on my bed, my eyes feeling heavy.
I wanted to sleep, and never wake up again.
-=+=-
Word Count: 1,449
Updated: 7/27/2016
Votes and Comments are appreciated!
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