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I can’t feel anything other than possibly minor movement. It’s as if I may be swimming in custard, but all I see is darkness. I can’t tell whether I’m hot or cold, in fact it feels like a combination of both. I can’t tell if my eyes or opened or closed, and the sound of my breathing seems all but lost. All I can hear is that and the faint beating of my own heart. I grit my teeth and clench my fist in fear.
“Am I dead!?” I scream, tossing my arm aside. “Is this what the afterlife is!?” And the only response to my question is an echo. I sigh.
“Yeah right. I’m not dead. I can’t be. I’m breathing, and I’m talking, and I can definitely feel my heart pumping. Is this… Unconsciousness?” I ask to myself alloud. Still no response other than the parroting of my question back to me in the darkness. I chuckle.
“Fan-fuckin’-tastic. I passed out.” I say quietly. Suddenly, I start to hear sobbing. I can’t tell from which direction, and it was muffled, too, but I could definitely tell it was sobbing. I look around to find the source, but the darkness shrouds all. As time passes, it grows more loud and clear, making it sound more male. Who would be crying? The only one I can think of would be Giz. He cares about me enough to cry? I suddenly begin to feel something on my cheeks, and my throat begins to close. Am I crying too?
I continue to look around, searching for a way towards the sobbing, but the location only echoes, but the darkness lightens and begins to look like a dark grey as opposed to pitch black. I look around more, screaming Giz’s name, and the more I search for an escape, the lighter my surroundings become. Suddenly, I start to see colors but they’re all blended and meshed together, like a bad watercolor painting. I continue to look around and eventually scream Giz’s name. I start to hear something other than sobbing now. Some of the colors start to move and become bigger.
“J-Jared!? Did you say my name!?” I hear. That voice is definitely Giz’s. I scream his name once more as the colors start to slowly form shapes, and it no longer feels like I’m moving, but instead laying down.
“Yes, it’s me. I’m here, Jared.” I hear him say as all the fuzzy images clear up. It figures I wasn’t screaming. Just murmuring. I take a huge breath and look over at Gizzy, tired. I smile and cock my head to the side.
“Guessing I caused a ruckus, huh?” I say in a happy, yet quiet and weak tone. Giz grips my right hand in his left and embraces me gently with his free arm. He cries on my shoulder as I begin to notice that I’m in an actual hospital bed. I pat him gently on the back and sigh.
“I’m so glad you’re okay. I was worried! Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? You should have stayed at home.” He scolded me while his tears dampened my gown. I get a solemn look on my face. I can’t tell him. I can’t…
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see Jenna. She and the rest of the family were standing at the corner of the room. Jenna gave me a stern look and crossed her arms.
“There’s something Jared needs to tell you all that he’s been keeping secret.” She spoke in a heavy monotone voice. She begins to turn towards the door and walks out, but stays at the door for just long enough. “This is your fight. I won’t say it for you.” And she leaves. The rest of the family looks at me, concerned and Giz backs up and looks me in the face.
“What is she sayin’, Jared?” He says, tears streaming down his face. Dammit, I can’t say it. I just…
“It’s something I never wanted to say.” My mouth moves on its own. I have no control over my body now. Or maybe I do and just don’t realize it. Maybe my body just knew what to do and realized that I was trying to make it do the wrong thing. “I… It’s hard to say this, but… I…” I gain control of my mouth too late. They are all giving me looks of concern and worry. I…
“I was kicked out of my home a few nights ago. They threw me out.” I mutter. Gizzy grabs me tightly by the arms, almost violently.
Tears fly from his face as he screams at me. “Why didn’t you tell us!? You had nowhere else to go! You had no shelter, no food, nothing to drink even! Why didn’t you just come tell us sooner!? Are we not important enough!? Can’t you trust us!?” He snapped, but I couldn’t keep it in. I fought back. I broke free of his arms and slapped him, tears rolling down my cheek. The audience, a.k.a. his family, stood in the back and gasped. As everything just stood still, his mom spoke up.
“We should… Leave them be…” She whispered as she pushed Huey out the door, and all but Giz followed. After the door closed, he touched his face and then looked at me, confused. At this point, I had my hands curled into fists and was crying intensely. My head hung down with sorrow. Regret. Fear. But mostly, shame.
Giz glares at me with a look of intimidation, however it wasn’t fake. This time, it was real. He was really pissed now. He wasn’t forcing himself to look scary. He wasn’t forcing himself to look mad. He truly was. I couldn’t stare him in the eye, only the stinging red mark my hand left on his cheek. I start to speak again. I force the explanation out, because if I didn’t, he would never forgive me, and that would be how things ended.
“I…” I choke. “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. Jenna just found out on accident.” More tears form.
“That doesn’t tell me why!?” He angrily yells, driving his fist into the wall beside my head, creating a few cracks as his knuckles start bleeding. I begin to argue back.
“You don’t know what it’s like to feel like a burden, god dammit!” I yell, causing him to be taken aback. I clench my fist and cry more. “You don’t know what it’s like to constantly feel like dead weight! You don’t know how it feels to be tossed out like a piece of trash because you’re unnecessary or unwanted! You’ve always felt like you belonged! You’ve always had a caring and supporting family! You’ve never had to feel like shit since you could remember! You don’t know how I feel, dammit!” I rage, tearing my words through his heart like a dagger through paper. He clenches his fist and teeth.
“You don’t know the burden of being adopted! You don’t know the suffering of growing up in am orphanage! You don’t know the struggle of having to constantly live up to something you’re not in an environment that demands perfection!” I yell, belting out all of my pent up sorrows and grief.
“You don’t know my pain…” I sob, breaking down into my balled up hands. He stands and walks to the door…
“I’ll be back tomorrow…” He says, tears running down his cheeks as he humbly leaves the hospital room.
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