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[text] =>
-ASH-
“I let you down once again.” I say to Ms Daria. Her husband is not in the house, so I thought about going to see her.
“Ash, you’re not a disappointment. Don’t you ever think like that.” she says while caressing my back as we both sit on the couch.
I hide my face with my hands, as I’m trying to hold back the goddamn tears. I would never cry in front of anyone. But she’s the only one who understands.
“I realise how tough this must be for you. It was such a sudden change for your life. You’ve been through a lot as a person and I’m really proud of you. Don’t let stupid things get you down. Stay positive.”
I nod. “I’m trying. All the time. But I feel like something is burning inside of me and I can’t stop that.” I stop and sigh. “But honestly, I do not mean it. I don’t understand why I feel like losing control when people’s eyes are on me. But I do not mean it.” I say while breathing heavily.
“I know you don’t mean it, Ash.” she’s the only one who calls me Ash. “You’re not used to this. People are judgemental. But, you know I’ll always be here, right?” she says and I nod.
“We both knew this wouldn’t be an easy start.” she adds.
“I feel like … a weirdo.” I say shakily while wiping the tear from my warm cheek.
“You shouldn’t be feeling like this. You deserve more. I know it’s only the beginning but, have you met anyone? You should try making some friends.” she says, as long as she has me in her embrace.
“No. Not really.” I shake my head. “But, there’s this girl actually. I’m not sure though. We’ve only talked for a couple of times.” I say and for a reason, I can’t help those strange feelings I get inside me at the thought of Emma.
“Why don’t you try? It could turn as a good thing.”
“Or not.” I say and raise my shoulders.
“Oh Ash. What did I tell you about positivity?” she says and I finally smile. She’s the only one who can turn my sadness into joy.
::
::
I want to call Emma but I’m not sure if I should. She’s been remote from me these days, but I guess I can give it a try. Maybe it’s me that she keeps her distance. The truth is that the texts that I have sent her seem sharp. It’s not like I do that on purpose though. I don’t want her to think that I’m being rude to her. It’s because I suck at texting. I didn’t even know how to do it since this week.
“Oh hey Ashton,” she finally answers her phone. She sounds like I interrupted her from something.
“Hi Emma. Am I bothering you?” I ask her as I rub the back of my neck with my hand.
“No. No.” she says, but I feel like she’s lying.
“Well, … I was wondering … if –” I start stuttering now. “If you would … like to go out … sometime?” I say and bite my bottom lip.
Why I feel so nervous all of a sudden? It’s not like we would go on a date. We can go out as friends, right? I mean, I don’t really know her and I can’t trust her from now. I don’t think I could ever tell her about me. I must trust someone one hundred per cent to tell them. And my worst fear is that I’ll never find someone to trust.
“Yeah, sure. Why not?” she finally replies after a short awkward silence.
::
::
::
“It’s been good today, Ashton. Are you feeling good?” Mr Roger asks me.
It’s been another day at work, and finally without any trouble.
“I’m good sir.” I say with a genuine smile.
“You got lucky today. It’s your paytime.”
I widen my eyes and my mouth goes all open, as he hands me the folder with the money. The first thing that happens to make me feel proud of myself. The money that I worked for.
“Thank you, Mr Roger.” I say and put the money in the pocket of my jeans.
::
As I take a big step out of the library, my eyes fall on that music store again which makes me think, why not?
I finally make myself go in and just check the place out. So many albums. So much music that I haven’t explored yet. Rock music has always been forbidden to be played in the orphanage. But I still recall when Toby — my first friend — and me listened to The Doors for the first time secretly. It was perfect. But we were mostly allowed to listen to classical music, like Mozart or Beethoven.
Not that I complain. I absolutely adore these composers, but I always wanted something more than that.
Without even noticing, I find myself standing in front of the ‘classical music‘ area. I just stand and observe all these familiar albums.
Suddenly, I hear a small giggle coming from behind me. I try to ignore it. I’m not going to lose control again. Not this time. Besides, I don’t know if they laugh at me.
“That’s … a completely different kind of music.” someone says and stands next to me.
“Excuse me? What’s wrong with liking classical music?” I say but I try to hold the attitude as much as I can.
“Uhm … nothing really. But seriously, Debussy?” he says and points the album that I am holding.
“That’s weird coming from a guy like you.” he says.
As I look at him, I feel like I’ve seen him before. His whole appearance reminds me of someone. He stares at me for a second.
“You seem like you would listen to more heavy music.” he says and chuckles.
“It’s more than meets the eye.” I say and as I’m about to walk away, I trip and make him drop the album he was holding on the floor.
:
-MIKE-
He immediately apologizes and goes down to reach my album, and that’s the time when it hits me. It’s him. The guy that I almost got in a fight with. He obviously doesn’t remember. Will he start yelling again when he will remember?
“Here’s your album. Is that the Rolling Stones? Woah. I haven’t listened to them for ages. Sorry again.” he says with a sigh and gives me the album back.
Then he widens his eyes. “Oh my. It’s you,” he says loudly. “I am terribly sorry. Seriously. I hope you’ll forgive me. I should have controlled my rudeness.”
I stay silent for a while. I’m not mad at him.
“It’s okay mate. People always find me a freak.” I say.
“I shouldn’t call you that. I didn’t even mean it. I’m sorry. I overreact sometimes.” he stares at the floor for a while. He sounds honest to me.
“I’ll forgive you. By one condition.” I say and chuckle. He looks at me confused.
“Come to my concert.” I tell him.
“Oh, you sing?” he asks.
“Yes. Actually I sing and play the guitar in a band. Today is our first concert ever. Come. It’s free.” I say and give him the brochure of our concert, that I had in my buttpocket.
“Okay. I’ll come. Wait.” he says and turns his brown eyes at me.
“That’s why I couldn’t remember you. Your hair was purple.” he says and points my blond hair.
“Yeah, … about that. I just change my hair colour a lot. I’m Mike by the way.” I say and raise my hand to shake his. I don’t think I’ve ever done this again.
“I’m Ashton.” he says and shakes my hand tightly.
Ashton, I repeat his name in my head.
After a while, when he starts leaving, I watch him going outside as the cold air is flowing through his hair.
Wait! What the fuck am I doing? Am I checking him out? Again?
Straight up Mike.
:
-ASH-
“hey emma. would you like to go to a concert?” I text her.
“sure who is it?”
“it’s ‘4 roses’. they’re new”
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