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Never in my dreams did I even imagine that I would meet Him again, in the very school I would transfer to at that. It was like the universe was playing a grand prank on me. A prank that would certainly cause me my sanity.
I didn’t know what to do.
“Jovan Niccolo Bellard, but everyone calls him Nico.” Perry said. “He’s one of the most popular kids in the whole campus. It’s not surprising, being the only child of a rich business man.”
What should I do, even his name was too attractive for me.
“Hey, are you alright?” Perry asked as we walked down the hall.
Nico continued on walking as well.
“I’m alright.” I lied.
Nico passed by me, our shoulders almost touched. He had a very nice scent; it was very intoxicating for me. My heart almost stopped when he passed by me, fortunately, our eyes didn’t meet. If it did, then my heart would’ve stopped altogether.
At that one short moment, all of my hard work, all of my efforts, all of the sufferings I went through just to forget what I feel for Nico was thrown out of the window. The love that I tried to forget really badly, the love that gave me so much pain in that short time felt it, that love came back to me.
It came back.
The love I tried so hard to fight came back.
Even stronger than before.
Focusing on classes was really difficult; all I could think of was Nico. Was he really the same guy I kissed by the lake? Maybe I was just imagining things… maybe I was mistaken… I really hoped that I was mistaken that time, but I also knew that it was Nico that I kissed.
I could never forget that face, those lips, and most importantly, that feeling in my chest when I was so close to him. It was him, it was definitely him. There was no use in running away from my own feelings anymore.
Right, I can finally admit it.
I love him.
I’m in love with him.
I love Jovan Niccolo Bellard.
Even though I don’t really know him.
Even though he doesn’t know that I even exist.
I still love him.
Accepting my own feelings wasn’t easy. At that time, falling in love with another guy was still very unthinkable, a big mistake, but I chose to accept it. Yes, I do accept it, but it doesn’t mean that I would not fight it.
I have no intention of staying in love with him, with another boy. So I decided; I would stay as far away as I can from Nico in hope that whatever I feel for him would just die down. I would work so hard to kill this love, that’s what I decided to do.
“Here he is; the new guy that everyone is talking about.” Suddenly, this very beautiful girl approached me in my seat. “I heard what you did at Michael’s party last Saturday; you sure know how to make a grand entrance.”
“Who?” I leaned closer to Perry who was on the seat beside me.
“Claire, don’t scare Kyle.” Perry said in his teasing tone.
“What do you mean scare him?” Claire complained. “By the way, I’m Claire Peters, Student Body Secretary, and I’m here to officially welcome you to Blue Rock High.” Claire had the big charismatic smile on her face, and just looking at that bright smile would make anyone smile as well.
“Thank you, nice to meet you Claire.” I replied as we shook hands. “I’m Kyle Andrew Stevenson, you can call me Kyle.” I introduced myself and then smiled back at her.
“I really admire you…”
“Are you possibly confessing to him, Claire?” Perry interrupted with a naughty smile.
“Can you shut up?” Claire said as she shot an angry look at Perry.
“How scary…” Perry said and wiped the smile off his face.
“What I’m trying to say is, not everyone have the guts to stand up to bullies, especially not to those guys.” Those last words made me nervous, those bullies must be really notorious, or something of the sort. Just what have I gotten myself into?
“Why do I feel that I would soon regret helping that kid?” I mused out loud at which Perry and Claire chuckled.
“Anyway, I’m not here just to welcome you…” Claire said.
“Why don’t you just admit that you just want to see Kyle, or is it possibly… me?” Perry interrupted again.
“You must be really in a hurry to die.” Claire said in a threatening tone. “Anyway… I’m the manager of the swimming team…”
“She’s quite a busy-body…” Perry said added.
“I was wondering if…” Claire ignored Perry.
“I think I know what you’re going to say…” I smiled at her. “I’m going to have to refuse, though. We just moved in town, and there’s a lot of things we have to do first, my hands are full at the moment…” I said in my most modest voice. “Besides, I don’t swim to compete, I just love being in the water.”
“I see…” Claire gave me another smile. “I understand, but, if you change your mind, just tell me. I’ll help get in the team. With someone who loves water as much as you do, I’m sure our team would get stronger.”
“Stronger my ass…” Perry retorted. “Just be honest, you want him in your team so you can stare at his body.” With that comment, Perry got a hard smack on the head from Claire.
“I’m not a pervert like you.” She said and then waved goodbye at me with a smile.
“You two seem so close. What kind of relationship do you two really have?” I asked Kyle with a small smile.
“Close? Me and Claire? You must be kidding me!” Perry denied and then laughed nervously. He’s so obvious. “The two of us…”
“Would make a great couple.” I finished his sentence, smiled and then stuck my tongue out a bit at him.
“Hey! I’m getting goose bumps just by hearing you say that.” Perry then rubbed his arms. “I would rather eat dozens of Habaneros than have anything to do with that girl.”
“Right…”
I met a lot of new people that day, Perry made sure of that. Quite honestly, I couldn’t even remember who they were. I guess I was too just pre-occupied and distracted by the thoughts of Nico. I’ve seen him a few times in the hallway, on my way to the other classes, and I got to see him a lot in the cafeteria during lunch.
Every time I would see his face, my heart would just be sucked into utter chaos. The pain was getting stronger and sharper every second to the point that ignoring and fighting it was beginning to be impossible. The only thing that I could do was to make sure that I was as far away from him as possible.
As long as he is far from me, then I can control what I feel, I can still fight it. I think.
Even amongst the crowd in the cafeteria, even though there were a lot of students at campus, it seems that my eyes would still manage to find him. He still stands out.
He’s always on my sight.
Just like how he’s always on my mind, my heart.
I learned three things about Nico that day. First, he’s quite a cheerful person when he’s with his friends; he smiles a lot and laughs a lot. Second, he’s a different person altogether when it comes to people outside his group of friends, he’s quite cold and rarely talks to people he is not close to, and worst he doesn’t pay that much attention to them. And lastly, Nico is… he’s very handsome.
Deadly handsome for me.
I tried my best to build an enormous barrier between me and Nico – just to protect my own heart –, but that defense easily crumbled, when I learned that Nico was in one of my class that afternoon. To make things worse, he was seating quite near to me.
I couldn’t help but feel conscious.
My classmates, and some of Perry’s friends were talking to me, but I couldn’t fully listen to them. Nico was just too near to me that my mind went haywire. Focusing proved to be really difficult that moment.
“Ahh that’s right, we’re going to eat out after class, you want to come with us? Perry would be there too.” Dion, Perry’s friend asked me.
“I’m sorry…” I said. I hope they didn’t notice that I was out of it a while ago. “I can’t, I’m going to help at my Mom’s shop after class.”
“Ohh, is that the flower shop? What was the name again…?” Gale, another one of Perry’s friend said.
“Faye’s Garden.” I replied with a small smile.
“Ah, right. Hey, would you mind if I visit you, I mean, your Mom’s shop some time?” Gale asked me with a big smile.
“Sure.” I saw no problem with it. “Just make sure to buy something.” I chuckled.
“He’s right, you’ll just be a bother if you go there and buy nothing.” Dion added and he chuckled as well.
“But seriously, you can come anytime you want.” I said with a smile.
“Really? Thanks.” Gale said with an even bigger smile.
“I saw what you did at Michael’s party, by the way.” Dion said. “You have some guts to go against Dylan and his crew, I like that. Not everyone in campus would even dare to speak up against those seniors, and to think you’re a junior transferee.”
“Everyone was talking about you that night, but, why did you suddenly leave? We were looking all over the place for you.” Gale added. “We were all curious what kind of guy was brave enough to help that freshman.”
“Well, after that happened I just kind of lost my mood. I didn’t like the atmosphere anymore, so I just left. There’s a chance that those bullies might confront me too, so I thought it was better to leave before that happens.” I sighed. “I hate confrontations, it makes me tired, and it’s just a waste of my time and energy.”
“Ehhh… so you don’t like fighting…” Dion said. “That’s too bad, because sooner or later, Dylan and his crew would go after you. I’m not scaring you or anything; it’s just that they’re not the ones who would easily let things go like that.”
“He’s right, you should be careful.” Gale added.
“Well, if you need help, I can probably lend you a hand. I know a few more guys who are itching to get back at those guys.” Dion said.
“Haa… and I thought I would have a peaceful life here… I hope that those guys won’t bother me. I’ll let you know if I need any help, though.”
I really hate fighting. Besides it being a waste of my time and energy, Mom would be really sad if she finds out that I am involved in a brawl, that’s why as much as possible I stay out of troubles.
My mind and heart were both in constant chaos during the afternoon classes. The reason was simple. Nico. It seems that we are in the same class all periods after lunch. From time to time, I would find myself, either looking back at him, or turning my eyes to the side to look at him.
I was the one who decided to fight this love, to stay as far away as possible, and yet I couldn’t stop myself from looking for him, form wanting to see him. My heart was racing the whole time and whenever I would hear his beautiful voice, my heart would skip.
I’m in deep trouble.
I’m dead.
Even though, it was I who decided to fight against this love, I couldn’t help but wonder if Nico even notices me. Does he even look at me? Does he even know that I am in the same class as him? I know I’m the one who wanted to fight my own feelings, to stop loving him, but I still want him to notice me, to look at me even once.
Maybe it was a good sign that he wasn’t paying attention to me. That means he had no idea who I was, he had no clue that I saved his life at the lake, that I stole a kiss from him. The thought of him not knowing what I’ve done was a small consolation for the hurt I was feeling by not being noticed by him.
Would it really be better if I stay as a stranger to him? In that case, the thing I’ve done at the lake would remain a secret. Or would it be better if I get close to him and risk my secret being revealed?
Having these conflicting feelings, wanting two very opposite things, I know that it would only make things harder for me, that it would be more difficult for me to fight my love for him, but I can’t stop myself from feeling that way. At that moment, I just don’t know what I really want.
I want him to notice me.
I want to forget him.
I want to stop loving him.
I want him.
What is it that I really want?
Which is more painful: loving him or not being noticed by him? I wonder…
A great sense of relief came to me when school came to an end that day. Finally, my heart and mind could take a rest. Having Nico so near to me was giving me mini heart attacks almost every moment.
Perry stayed behind at school for some club activities, he said that I could tag along to see how things are, but I chose to go straight to the flower shop to help out.
Business was doing great, but aside from that, I could really see that Mom was enjoying what she was doing. It’s been a while since I last saw her smile like that.
As I was arranging the flowers near the entrance of the shop, I noticed a familiar blue convertible pull over in front the shop. “Isn’t that the car I saw last Saturday?” The car door opened and my heart felt a sudden jolt. “Again? Why is he here?” I turned around nervously as Nico stepped out of the car and walked towards the entrance of the flower shop.
When the door opened, I felt a sudden urge to run away, to hide. I didn’t want him there at all, being in same room with dozens of other students was fine, but being in the shop where there are only two other people besides us was a whole different story.
“Drew! Can you take care of that?! Lily and I would be done soon.” My Mom shouted as she and our shop’s only employee was doing some inventory at the storage room.
“Welcome to Faye’s Garden. How can I help you?” I recited nervously as I turned around to face that handsome tall man that I was trying to avoid all day. Nico was there, standing handsomely in front of me. Seeing his face up close was really making my heart chaotic.
“It’s really you.” He said and then smiled. That was the first time I saw him smile without his friends around. That smile was really beautiful. It was dazzling that it almost blinded my eyes. “I thought your name is Kyle, so why did she call you Drew?” He asked.
“My name is Kyle Andrew, my Mom calls me Drew, short for Andrew, since she…” I answered automatically. I was so used to people asking me that question that every time I hear that I would give an automatic answer that I recited over and over again. Wait a minute… he knows me? “Ehh… you know my name…?”
“Yeah. We have the same classes all afternoon, besides everyone is talking about you, it’s practically impossible not to know you.” He replied. Nico was acting so friendly that I was starting to think that I was wrong about him. “Don’t tell me, you have no idea who I am.”
That’s impossible. How can I not know you? I saved you from drowning, and I even stole a kiss from you.
“You’re Nico, right. You’re really popular, it’s impossible not to know you.” I replied.
“That’s a relief.” Why is it a relief? “And here I am thinking that you hate me.”
“Ehhh…? Why would you think that?”
“Well, I just have this feeling that you were trying to avoid me.” How did he know?! “I mean, you were really friendly with everyone else but me. Do you hate me for some reason?” For some reason, Nico sounded like he was sulking.
“No.” I love you. “It’s just that you have this aura around you. Plus I heard what the girls are saying about you, like ‘I wanted to get close to him, but I’m afraid’ and ‘I tried approaching him once, but he totally ignored me’ and ‘I tried giving him some chocolate but he just looked at it and then walked away’, things like that. I’m just a new student, I don’t want to be embarrassed at my first day.” I explained animatedly.
Wait a minute. Why did I tell him all that? Why did I sound so enthusiastic? What the hell is wrong with me? I need to forget him, no try to get closer to him. Ahhh… I should have acted cold towards him instead… I’m so stupid…
“Hahaha…” Nico laughed. “You’re funny.” He said. “Well, I won’t deny all those things. I admit I tend to be cold and snub people that I’m not interested in…” So I was right about him. Then why is he acting out-of-character? Why is he being quite friendly to me? “…but you don’t have to worry about that.” He smiled down at me, yet again. “Because, I’m pretty interested in you.”
Those words made my heart stopped for a moment and then beat fast and hard after. My head swirled and I was lost for words, hell, I didn’t even know what to think. What did he mean by that? Relax… he probably meant nothing by that.
“So, you can just talk to me whenever you want, I promise I would never ignore you at all. I’ll even give you my full attention.” Nico added.
“Thanks…” I replied shyly and nervously.
“You don’t sound happy about it at all.” He complained.
“No, I’m happy. Really happy.” I said instantly as I saw the disappointed expression on his face. Why did I say that?! Something is really wrong with me.
“That’s good to hear.” He smiled at me again. He really has to stop smiling at me like that, or else my heart would overload.
“So… why are you here?” I asked hesitantly.
“Well, I heard that you’re helping at your Mom’s flower shop, so I came here to take a look.” He must’ve seen the confused expression on my face, because he suddenly chuckled. “It’s also my Mom’s birthday. She really loves flower, so I came here to buy her some.”
“I see. What kind of flowers do you want to give her then?”
Nico was looking at the flowers around when I asked him. “I have no idea.” He replied when he turned to look at me. He had this cute little clueless smile on his lips.
“Then, what message do you want to convey to your Mom? You see, flowers have meanings, you can say a lot without saying anything at all.” I repeated my Mom’s words to Nico with much enthusiasm.
“Really? That’s interesting!” He said as he looked at me with a smile. “Then… I want to say thank you for being such a loving mother. What kind of flowers should I give her?”
“I see… I think pink Carnations and pink Roses would convey your feelings pretty well.” I replied. “Pink Carnation means gratitude, while pink Rose means appreciation. So, what do you think?”
“What a nice meaning… I think my Mom would really be happy with that.” Nico said with a bright smile. Nico ended up buying a huge bouquet of a dozen each of pink Roses and pink Carnations.
My Mom arranged the flowers as Lily worked on the counter. “Here you go, Mom arranged it herself.” I said as I handed the bouquet to Nico.
“How beautiful…” Nico said as he took the flowers and looked at me straight in the eyes. “So, I’ll go, my Mom is probably waiting for me. It’s nice talking to you. I hated going to the florist before because of the small talks, but I really had fun today, maybe because I was talking to you.”
“Ahhh… yes, me too… I mean, I had fun too.” What am I talking about? If he keeps on talking like that to me, then I might really lose control. Please, don’t do this to me.
I was a bit disappointed that Nico has to go at all. I wanted to be with him longer, to talk to him more. “Take care, then.”
“I will. Thanks.” Nico said as he walked towards the glass door. “See you at school…” Nico said as he pushed the door open. “… Drew.” He looked back at me with huge and dazzling smile.
When I heard him call me Drew, my heart almost stopped, my mind swirled, and then my heart started beating swiftly again, there were butterflies in my stomach as well.
I never let anyone call me Drew beside my Mom. It’s just that whenever other people, aside from my Mom, calls me Drew, it didn’t feel right. It felt really out of place, sometimes I even get angry, but when Nico called me Drew, it felt really different.
It felt natural.
It felt really good.
It made me really happy.
I never knew that a simple thing like that could make someone really happy. It was just a name, but it was enough to make my day. It was enough to make me forget all the struggles I’ve been through when I first realized that I fell in love with another boy.
Being with Nico was simply amazing. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before. I wonder why whenever I am talking to Nico, I feel like my old self again; that cheerful and carefree boy. Talking to him felt so good that the pain I usually feel whenever I see him was replaced by sheer excitement.
I was on cloud-nine at that time that I didn’t even think that I could be even happier. Until, Lily approached me.
“What’s this?” I was pretty confused when she handed me a stem of white Calla Lily. “Why are you giving me this?”
“It’s from you friend, I guess he was too shy to give it to you himself.” Lily explained.
“Ehhh? Why is he giving me this? What is this for?”
“He said it’s to thank you for helping him pick the flowers.” Lily replied. “That flower suits. ” She said with a small smile.
White Calla Lily. Magnificence, beauty, purity. For someone who stole a kiss from a defenseless stranger, that flower was a waste. I don’t deserve such beautiful flower.
I don’t deserve that flower, but nonetheless I would keep it. After all it’s something that Nico gave me.
At that time, I didn’t know if Nico knew what that flower meant. If he knew, would he still give it to me? If he knew what I’ve done to him at that lake, would he still give it to me? I don’t think so.
As I held the flower in my hand, as I looked at it, my heart was slowly being filled with inexplicable joy. Many emotions, many thoughts, were flowing inside of me, but everything was simply overshadowed by the great joy I was feeling. And for the first time since my parents’ divorce; I smiled widely, genuinely. I smiled from the heart. At that moment, I was truly happy.
Since Nico gave it to me, that flower became a treasure. A constant reminder of the day he first talked to me. A reminder of the day I finally realized this; no matter how hard I try, I would never succeed in fighting off my love for him, because the love I feel for him, is a love that only grows stronger.
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