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I wasn’t supposed to kiss him. But as I breathed air into his mouth to revive him, I suddenly felt this urge to do so. It was an unthinkable, and yet undeniable urge. An urge that was too strong for me to deny.
His lips were just so soft, so luscious, that when I resuscitated him, I tasted the sweetest honey that anyone could ever taste in their entire life. In that moment I was tempted, and I let myself lose to that temptation; very quickly, very easily. And because of that moment’s weakness, I’ve made a mistake; possibly the greatest mistake in my entire life.
I’ve just finished giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He coughed out all the water that blocked his throat; he was slowly opening his eyes. I looked down at his face, at his eyes, and then at his lips. He was handsome – exceptionally -, his eyes were blue – like the beautiful sky -, and his lips… his lips were simply irresistible.
So before he regained his full consciousness, I took the chance. I took advantage.
I kissed him.
I kissed him gently.
I kissed him softly.
I kissed him.
I kissed him and then moved back away.
And as he regained his full consciousness, I started running away.
I wasn’t supposed to kiss him.
But I did.
I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him.
But I did.
In that moment’s weakness, in that very short moment that I had laid my eyes on him, in that quick moment that I took advantage of his condition and stole a kiss, and in that very first moment that I’ve met him, I’ve fallen in love with him.
I’ve fallen in love with a total stranger, a boy, that just few moments ago, I never thought existed.
I’ve fallen in love with a boy…
A boy like me…
When you fall in love, there are three emotions that you could feel. It’s either joy, pain, or both at the same time. For me, the only sensation that I could feel in my chest was inexplicable pain. There was no happiness, no bitter-sweetness, just utter pain.
As I ran barefooted through the woods out of the open road, I could feel my heart pounding. It was fast, it was loud, and it was very painful. I ran through some branches that scratches my skin, stepped on rubbles and twigs that wounded my sole, but I did not feel any pain at all. Every pain, every other sensation in my entire body was overshadowed by the tremendous hurt that my heart was feeling.
I couldn’t do anything.
I couldn’t think of anything.
The only thing I was capable of, at that moment, was to cry in silence.
Tears were continuously falling from my eyes; tears that came from the overwhelming pain in my chest. I was crying, but I can’t let out my voice. I guess deep inside, I was thinking, that if I let my voice out, then the feelings I was trying so hard to fight would pour out, that I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore, not even from myself.
From the very beginning, it was a love that could never be. Maybe that’s why I was crying; because, yet again, the universe had thrown me in the middle of dark tunnel without hope of finding a light at the end.
Why was I really crying? Was I crying because I knew how great my mistake was? Was I crying because I knew that the love I suddenly felt was destined to be doomed from the very beginning? Why was I crying? Even I don’t know why.
I managed to reach the open road, with my legs, arms, and feet bleeding.
“I’m not like that… I’m not like that… I can’t be like that…” I convinced myself as tears began to fall from my eyes once again.
I screamed at the top of my voice and then panted as crouched and leaned my hands on my knees. I continued on screaming as tears continued on falling from my eyes. My scream only ended when the last of my tears fell from my eyes.
When my voice finally came out, that’s when I realized that I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore. My voice escaped while I became imprisoned with my own emotions. I wanted escape as well. Escape from this love that I didn’t want, that I didn’t dream of.
I wiped my tears off my cheeks as I walked in front of our porch. My Mom had a lot of things going on already, and I didn’t want to worry her any further. I breathed deeply as I wiped any signs of pain from my face.
Slowly and quietly, I walked in the door. Without any trouble, I made it to the staircase and breathed out a sigh of relief.
“Kyle Andrew Stevenson.” I heard my Mom’s voice. There was a clear pain in her voice when she uttered the surname Stevenson. I guess saying that name was still painful for her, since the divorce with my father happened just a month ago. I looked up the stairs and saw that my Mom had her hands on her waist, a sign of her growing anger. “What happened to you?” Her tone changed and she put her hands down when she saw the state that I was in.
“I tripped on my way home…” I lied. I can’t count how many times I’ve lied to Mom just so she wouldn’t get hurt.
I lie to make her happy.
I lie to save her from pain.
I lie for both of our sanity.
Mom sighed. “I’ll get some medicine. Get a towel and dry yourself.” She said as she disappeared up the stairs.
I went straight to my room and took a towel from my closet. My mom knocked on the door a few times when I was drying my hair. “I’m sorry…” Mom suddenly said when she was applying medicine on my wounds. “I know how much you love that lake, but because of me, you’ll have to say goodbye to it.”
“It’s not your fault…” I replied meekly as looked down on the floor. It’s Dad’s fault. That’s right I blame my dad for everything; for Mom’s sadness, for our move to a new town, and for my growing depression. Everything was that man’s fault.
Melancholy is not my thing. I hate being sad, I hate being alone, but because of my Dad I became really depressed and became those things that I hate. My friends told me that they missed the old me, the cheerful, bright, and positive me. If anyone misses the old me the most, it’s probably me, myself. I wonder when the last time I laughed really loud was. I can’t even remember.
Although I blame my Dad for everything, I can’t bring myself to hate him. He’s still my father, after all. Even if he chose to be with his new family, I still can’t really hate him. I know that my Mom still had love for my Dad in her heart, that’s why I never let her know that I blame my Dad, because she would get hurt by my sentiment.
Mom is already hurting and suffering so much, I didn’t want to add to that.
“Are your things packed?” Mom asked after she applied the medicine all over my limbs.
“Yes, I did it before I went to the lake.”
“Change your clothes, and then go to bed. We’ll leave early in the morning.” Mom said and then walked towards the door of my room. She gave me one last look with a small smile before she left. I gave her the same look. It was our way of saying that we’ll be ok. It was our way of talking without really talking.
That night, I slept with the hope that when I wake up the next morning, that everything would be better for me, that I would forget what happened that night, that my heart would forget what it felt for that boy. I realized the next morning, that there are hopes and dreams that are meant to remain as it is; as a mere hope and dream.
Over a month had passed, and things… well, things are a lot better. I couldn’t say that the wounds in our hearts caused by my Dad are completely healed, but they’re just a lot better than before. Finally, I could see my Mom smiling again and I could hear her beautiful laughter once again. As for me, I smile a little, and laugh a little.
I am also glad for another thing. That feeling I had that one night on the lake; I was slowly starting to forget about it. Weeks had passed, and I haven’t even thought about it. It wasn’t easy, and I worked really hard just to forget about it.
I guess what I felt that night wasn’t love at all. Maybe I was just overwhelmed by the sadness that my Dad caused that I was momentarily confused.
My mind…
My heart…
They were just confused…
Maybe… I hope so…
Mom and I had new life ahead of us. The flower shop she opened was gaining a lot of attention, and I spend most of my time helping there as a staff. I guess one of the reasons why Fiona’s Garden was gaining much attention after only a few weeks was because of Leona Henderson, my Mom’s bestfriend and a women’s magazine writer.
Not only do I have Aunt Leona to thank for the success of my Mom’s flower shop, I also have to thank her for introducing me to her son, and my new friend, Perry.
Perry is a really friendly but rowdy guy. It always amazes me how he can have so much energy, sometimes just watching and listening to him makes me tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, he’s actually very entertaining, besides he’s one of the few people that could make me smile and laugh after months of being depressed.
I’m much better now.
Not really fully healed.
Not quite yet.
But I’m healing… I’ll get better…
I hope, no, I’ll definitely get better.
It was a Saturday night before the start of the semester when Perry appeared at our home and asked permission from my Mom to take me to some party.
“I promise to take care of Kyle, so, please let him go with me.” Perry said with a smile. “This would be a great chance for Kyle to meet lot of new people. Most of them also attend to the same school as Kyle and I, so when school starts on Monday, Kyle would not have hard time to get acquainted to his new schoolmates.” Perry explained with the same smile.
I don’t trust that smile. That smile could only mean that he was up to something.
“I see…” Mom said and then gave a small smile. “I guess you’re right, this is a great opportunity for Drew to gain new friends…”
Right, my Mom calls me Drew, short for Andrew. Actually, my Dad chose the name Kyle, but Mom liked the name Andrew more, so they decided to give me two names. Ever since I was young, my Dad would call me Kyle while my Mom would call me Andrew. They have a lot differences, just like that, sometimes I wonder, if it was one of the reason for their divorce… but, didn’t they say that opposites attract?
Anyway, as a child I was really active. I would run around relentlessly, and when I see water, I would play with it or in it for hours. Mom would always call me to tell me to be careful or to behave, but as I said, I was very active. Calling me Andrew almost every minute was tiring for her, so she shortened it to Drew instead.
“Alright, you can go with Perry, Drew.” My Mom continued.
“Really? Great! Thank you, Aunt Faye!” Perry replied with a smile.
“Drew…” Mom called my name. “Don’t be too rowdy, you know what I’m trying to say, right?” I know that tone pretty well. It was a mellow tone, but at the same time, you could fully feel the seriousness in it. Mom is scary, like that.
“Mom, I’m not a kid anymore, I’m a lot more behaved nowadays. I guess I just mellowed with age.” I replied with a small smile and then stuck my tongue out a bit.
Mom chuckled at me. “I wonder about that…” She mused as she took a sip of tea. “You may not be as rowdy as you were young, but you’re giving new kinds of headaches nowadays…” She added with a smile.
“Mom! You shouldn’t be talking about your only son like that.” I complained with a smile.
Perry and I left after I got dressed. The party would be held at some kid’s house a few blocks away, so we decided to walk there. Apparently, this kid Michael always throws a party a few nights before a school year begins. Perry seems to be really excited about it, for some reason I really couldn’t get why.
“This is the perfect chance.” Perry said as we neared the venue.
“For what?” I asked.
“For you to make your grand entrance.”
“Huh? What are you talking about?” He’s talking nonsense again.
“You have to impress everyone at the party. You have to mingle around, get close to the cool kids, and maybe catch some cheerleaders’ attention. You have to be the talk of the whole campus on Monday. Get it?”
“No… Not. At. All. Why do I have to do that? I would rather stay under the radar…”
“That’s exactly why!” Perry said and then placed his arm around my shoulders. “Are you satisfied living a mediocre high school life? How long are you going bury yourself in your room? You face your computer the whole day. I wouldn’t complain if you play games the whole day, but all you do is type. Don’t your fingers hurt?”
“Not really. I’m not a fan of games, besides I happen to like what I’m doing. And mediocre is fine with me too.”
“Ha…” Perry sighed tiredly. “Listen, we’re teenagers with raging hormones, this is the perfect time to explore life! There’s no space for boring and dull things, like typing the whole day, this is the time of our life that we get to try everything. We may regret some of it later on, but that doesn’t matter, as long as we enjoy the moment!” He said with so much conviction that it actually worries me. I wonder where Perry got those ideas. I don’t really get him, but that’s what’s good about it. He’s a funny guy that way.
“Ehhh… sounds really tiring… I’d rather spend the whole day in my room…”
“Now I know what kind of headaches you’ve giving your Mom…” Perry said in a tired voice. “You’re a teenager, but you’re not acting like one. You sound totally like an old man.”
“I’m not old, I’m just a little more mature…”
“You’re not mature, you’re boring… You’ll only be in highschool once in your life; you should enjoy it as much as you can. Leave no regrets and make lots of memories.”
“I thought you said, ‘it doesn’t matter if we regret doing something’…”
“Don’t be a smart-ass. You know what I mean. I won’t force you to do every crazy thing that I want to do, but can you at least promise to do those normal fun stuffs that kids our age do?”
“Fine… I’ll try.”
“Great, that settles it.” Perry’s tone then changed. “Kyle…”
“What?”
“Nothing…”
“Come on, spill it.”
“I’m just glad that you’re smiling more now compare to when you first move in town.”
At that moment I finally understood what Perry was trying to really do. Everything was to make me smile again, to laugh again, to be truly happy again. No matter how crazy Perry gets, it doesn’t change the fact that he has a good heart.
I’m really thankful to have met a friend like him.
I’m really happy.
“I want to go home.” That’s the first word that came out of my mouth when I saw the rage those kids call a party. The whole house was a mess; the front porch was filled with discarded paper cups and beer bottles, the inside of the house looked like a club filled with rowdy cave men, and in every corner a couple would be making out.
“You can’t leave.” Perry stopped me. “This is our chance; you have to make an impact before leaving.”
“What kind of impact?”
“Well, we’ll figure it out later, let’s get some drinks first.”
“I’m fine. I’m sure that every drink in this party is jigged with alcohol. I don’t want to go home drunk.”
“Ehhh… what a good son…”
“Not really… I just don’t want to worry Mom, she’s already thinking about a lot of things lately…” I don’t want to give any reason for Mom to worry. I don’t want to cause her any more pain. I just want to protect her.
“Fine, I’ll get some beer and you can have glass of water, or cola.” Perry said. I can see in his eyes that he understood my feelings.
As Perry went to the kitchen, I stepped out to the backyard to get some fresh air, only to see an ugly scene unfold.
There was this group of older kids surrounding a smaller and much younger boy. They were pushing him around, teasing him, and laughing at him, basically just bullying him for the fun of it. I didn’t like that scene, so I just turned my back.
“What’s this? This looks good. Give it to me.” I turned around and saw one of the older guys holding the pendant around the boy’s neck.
“You… You… can’t have… it…” The boy replied nervously. “My… my… my Dad gave it to me…”
His Dad huh…
“I see… how very touching for you to treasure it so much.” The older boy said and then snatched the pendant from the boy’s neck and then threw it on the pool. “My, oh, my… my hand slipped.” He said and then laughed. His friends laughed with him.
The boy couldn’t do anything but look at the pool with teary eyes. He looks so sacred and so helpless.
“What’s wrong? Aren’t you going to get your Dad’s precious gift?” The older boy teased. “Huh, could it be… you don’t know how to swim?” He teased and then the whole crowd laughed. By the way the younger boy looks, the bully seemed to be spot on. “It’s not that deep, it’s only about 8 feet… should I give you a helping push.”
What? That kid would drown. I couldn’t take it anymore. Water is something that we should enjoy and treasure; it’s not something we used to hurt other people.
I knew I was making an enemy at campus before class even begins, but in no time, I was taking off my socks and shoes, placed my watch, wallet and phone beside it, before finally stripping off my shirt.
I dove down on to the pool and once I was in the water, I felt safe, I felt at really at home. Whenever I am submerged in water, I would this serenity that I couldn’t feel anywhere else.
Finding the pendant was easy, but I took my time as I really missed being the sensation of being fully submerged into water. Finally, I grabbed the pendant with one hand and then swam up to the surface.
I combed my hair up with my other hand after climbing up the pool. I was well aware that everyone was staring at me, but I didn’t care at all. “Here you go.” I said as I gave the pendant back to the boy. “Don’t lose it again. It’s a precious gift from your Dad, so you have to take care of it.” I admit I was being a little bit more sentimental than usual. I guess I just envy the boy for having such a loving father.
Dad never left me anything.
Not even a parting gift.
All I have were memories.
That’s all.
The boy nodded and he looked at me with wide eyes. I smiled at him and then walked back to my things. I wiped my wet torso with my shirt before putting it on, put on my socks and shoes before taking my other things and walking out of the house.
There was a full moon that night, maybe that’s why I did something that crazy. I looked up and smiled as I walked slowly away from the house.
How nostalgic… I used to watch the sky after having a good night swim at my lake.
Ahhh… I missed that lake.
A blue convertible was driving slowly towards me, it might be my imagination, but I think it slowed down as it got nearer. I passed by the car and then heard Perry call my name.
“I heard what happened!” He said excitedly as he caught up with me. “You’re a genius. Everyone is talking about you already. The girls are calling you a knight-in-shining-armor and are all swooning about those swimmer abs,” He said and then gave me a friendly punch in the stomach.
“It’s not like I did that to impress anyone.”
“I know that. That’s why I like what you did even more.” Perry said with a smile. “All eyes would be on you on Monday, there’s no doubt about that.”
Perry was right, all eyes turned to me when I stepped in the school hallway that Monday. I felt like everyone was watching my every step. It was unnerving. I knew I had to be careful.
“I told you so…” Perry said. “Look at those girls… they’re totally into you now.” I was too nervous that I didn’t get the chance to look at the girls Perry was talking about.
“Ahh ha… There goes my quiet school life…” I complained as we walked in a hallway full of people.
Suddenly the crowd parted and their head turned away from me.
“Here he comes, your rival in fame.” Perry said.
I escaped it.
That’s what I thought.
I really believed that I escaped that confusing feeling I felt that night.
I would never feel that pain again.
That’s what I truly believed.
But I was wrong.
I was really wrong.
I was dead wrong.
Because as the crowd parted, the pain, that inexplicable pain that I felt in my heart that night I stole that one kiss from that drowning boy, the pain I felt after falling in love with a complete stranger, that pain that I worked so hard to get over with, finally returned.
“Why is He here?” I muttered as my heart was slowly breaking apart.
I wanted to run away, to escape that feeling, that pain once again, but I realized that it was useless. That day I finally learned; that no matter how hard you try, no matter how fast or how far away you run, still, you can’t escape love. Never.
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