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There are many things in this world that we can’t explain. Many mysteries that we could only hope to understand. I was still in the process of defining and understanding the mystery of what I was starting to feel for Nico, when yet another, more mind-breaking, mystery happened in my life.
It’s really hard to take in, especially for me, and it’s also a very difficult story to tell, so let me start from where it all started; the night Nico finally caught me.
I was still very confused at everything, I still had no idea what was happening.
“You look confused…” Nico said as he moved away, held me by the side of my shoulders, and then looked at me with such an adoring gaze.
“I just… I don’t know what’s going on at all…” I told Nico as I gazed up on him with my eyes wide open.
Nico’s hands moved, from the side of my shoulders to my cheeks. He caressed my cheeks gently and it sent electricity to my whole body. It was a tingling sensation that both surprised and excited me. “Then, should I show it to you?” Nico asked in a very enticing voice. “The same way you showed me last time…” He said.
I blinked a few times before it hit me. “EHHHHHHH????” I reacted as I moved back in surprised. “Th-then… you me-mean…?” I stuttered as my whole face felt hot. My hands were on his shoulders as I pushed him lightly away.
“I like you, Drew,” Nico said. “The same way that you like me, maybe even before you liked me that way.” Nico added and then gave me a small smile.
“You like me…?” I was in an utter state of disbelief. It was very hard for me to take in everything that was happening around me, everything that Nico was telling me. Even just the mere thought of Nico liking me was enough to make me blush all over.
Nico smiled so gently at me, and that smile made me weak. He moved closer to me and then held my cheeks again. “I like you. I like you. I like you.” He repeated and then embraced me once again.
As surreal as it may be to me, there was no doubt in me that Nico was telling the truth. Sure, I was still in a state of shock over his confession, but I could feel his sincerity; through his words, though his touch.
Each time Nico would say that he likes me, my heart would beat even faster, even louder. We were beside a busy street, but the loud beating of my heart was the only thing I could hear. It muted everything else and deafened me with its oddly satisfying sound.
So the sound of your own heart in love could be this wonderful…I wondered to myself.
“Drew…” Nico called me as he continued on embracing me. “I like you…” He muttered on my ears. “I really like you, Drew.”
The manner in which he uttered my name sent a very electrifying sensation all over my body. That electricity powered me up, finally I could think, I could move, I could speak clearly.
“I like you too…” I said as I hold back the tears on my eyes. “I really, really like you, Nico.” I said as I finally embraced Nico back. I embraced Nico tightly, and clasped my hands on his shirt. I refuse to ever let him go. Just like what he said a week ago; there’s something inside of me that’s saying letting him go would be a grave mistake. I know that holding onto him was the right thing to do, absolutely.
I never wanted that moment to end. I never want to let go of him. That time, I could feel that Nico was finally mine. No more pretensions, no more lies. Nico is mine. Truly.
“You should go home. You didn’t have to walk me all the way here.” I told Nico as he walked me to the door of my shared flat with Brent.
“I want to make sure you’ll get home safely,” Nico said. “Drew, you’re not going to disappear again, are you?” Nico looked really worried.
“Don’t worry, I won’t run away anymore,” I told Nico with a smile.
Nico smiled back at me and then gave me one last hug. “Goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight…” I replied as I hugged Nico back.
I waited for Nico to disappear from my sight before I opened the door. I expected Brent to be already asleep, but he was still watching a movie at that time. “I’m back…” I said carefully.
Brent stood up immediately. He didn’t utter any words and just walked right up to me. “Thank goodness, you’re back,” he said and then locked me around his arms.
“I’m sorry, for making you worry.” I told him, apologetically.
“You don’t have to apologize…” Brent replied. “Have you sorted things out?” He asked.
“Yes… I guess…” I wanted to tell him everything, but seeing how worried he was, I figured that it wouldn’t be the right time for him to know everything about Nico and me. Brent had a very strong animosity on Nico, and if he knew about Nico and I liking each other, then he would just get worried.
Brent let me retire to my bed early that night. He wanted me to rest and relax, but I didn’t get to do that, because a very troubling dream came to me that night.
In my dream, I was inside a car with another boy, his face was all blurred, but he seemed so familiar to me. We were inside a blue convertible, and for some reason, I looked younger, about seventeen. What was weirder were our clothes. The other boy was dressed up as a prince and I was wearing a complete police uniform.
I was looking at him with such adoring gaze, and then he turned his head and looked at me in the same way. By the way we look at each other, it was easy for me to tell that we have a deeper relationship. And I couldn’t help but feel that the boy in that dream was the same one I kept seeing on those visions I got from time to time.
We looked so happy together, we laughed and smiled at each other. I thought it was a good dream until something terrible happened.
Another speeding car came as we cross the intersection, and in a matter of moments, the boy and I were both unconscious, bloodied, and bruised inside his wrecked car.
The speeding car hit the passenger side of the blue convertible, so I was in a much terrible state.
The boy slowly opened his eyes, and when he saw my state, he started sobbing, crying, but no sound would come out of his mouth. He was too weak, and his consciousness only lasted for a few moments.
Just like that, the life out of the both of us were slowly seeping away. And all that we had was each other.
My heart was breaking as I watched that scene. It felt like my insides were being squeezed so tightly, I couldn’t breathe at all. I was a feeling a very profound sorrow that I couldn’t explain. It was only a dream, and yet it felt too real.
“Not enough… Not enough… it’s still enough…” I hear a young girl’s voice saying in my dreams.
“The tie is still breaking… you must fix it soon…” A young boy’s voice followed.
“Remember what you have to do… or the same fate would await for the two of you…” A more mature female said before everything fade away.
I woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, out-of-breath, and feeling really heartbroken for some reason. My chest felt so stuffy, and felt so painful that I just started crying for no reason at all.
I felt asleep again, and remembered very little the next morning. I went to work normally the following week, like nothing happened at all.
“KYLE ANDREW! You goddamn brat!” I was greeted back at the office by Perry’s booming voice. He was across the hall as he walked towards me. “How can you disappear like that without saying any thing?!” He said as he caught me into a headlock with his arm.
“Sorry…” I said apologetically, knowing how worried he might be. “I shouldn’t have disappeared like that. It’s just everything was so sudden, and I couldn’t clearly think… I just needed some time to think, alone.”
“Well, as long as you know your mistake, then we’re good,” Perry said as he released my head. “So, are you alright now? Have you sort things out?” He asked.
“Yeah… somehow things fixed itself….” I replied.
“That’s good then,” Perry replied
I really thought that everything was fine, that after confessing our feelings for each other, things between Nico and I would be just fine. Well, it seems that the world had other plans.
Things went back to normal that week, way too normal, if you’ll ask me. It felt like nothing had changed at all. Even though Nico and I confessed our mutual feelings for each other, nothing changed between us, no set-backs, but no progress either.
The past few days, Nico would come by the office, but that’s because the casting for the movie had begun. We would talk in my office for a while, sometimes we would have lunch or even dinner together, but beyond that, nothing.
Sure, Nico was treating me so kindly, and with care, but he had always been like that ever since we became friends. I wanted something more, I wanted him to be sweeter, more romantic. I don’t want to me clingy or needy, but he could at least hold my hand. Which he hadn’t made an attempt to, the past few days.
It was frustrating me that there was absolutely no difference between the way he treats me before that we were just friends and the way he’s treating me now that we both know we like each other. It was like nothing happened at all; no stolen kiss, no confessions. I felt Nico was treating the event the past week as nothing but a dream, like it didn’t happen at all.
He said that he likes me, not just a friend, but romantically; the same way I feel for him. He said that, but it doesn’t feel like it to me at all.
Maybe he doesn’t want our relationship to progress at all, maybe he doesn’t want to take things to the next level. I feel like an idiot. Sure he said he likes me, but he didn’t say anything about being in a relationship with me. That’s what’s frustrating me, I don’t know where our relationship really is. I mean, being caught in the middle, without knowing where exactly you’ll going to be, it’s the most frustrating thing there is in a relationship.
Days passed, and there was still no progress between Nico and I. He hadn’t held my hand, or even made an attempt to kiss me. Even when he confessed his feelings to me, all he did was embraced me, and all the while I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him. I mean, he could at least bring me to a proper date.
The only thing that was progressing was the movie project we were both involved in.
“What’s with the face? Is something wrong again?” Perry asked as we walked towards my office that day.
“Not really…” I sighed.
“That doesn’t sound so convincing. For goodness sake, Kyle, you’ve been gone for a week, and you’re still look problematic,” Perry complained. “Don’t tell me you’re going to disappear again to think?”
“I won’t.” I replied. “And I did sort things out last week. Actually, I got the answer that I needed and I wanted, and it’s a very good and satisfying answer.” I said as I thought about Nico’s confession. “But, something else is bothering me now. I got my answer, but another question came up as soon as I got that answer.”
Perry clicked his tongue. “That jerk, Nico. I’ll snap his neck later…” Perry hissed.
“Nico?” I asked nervously. “Why did his name suddenly came up?”
“Last week, when you disappeared, Nico came to me asking where you were. That’s the first time he ever approached me, you know. Even back in high school, he never talked to me. I knew instantly that he had something to do with your disappearance, or else he wouldn’t even look that worried.” Perry explained. “The big question here is; what exactly happened between the two of you?”
I gulped. “Nothing really…” I lied and then looked away as my cheeks started blushing.
“What a bad liar…” Perry sighed. “So, what did Nico do now? Why do you have that troubled look on your face first thing in the morning?”
“Ehhh…? What made you think Nico had anything to do with what I am worrying right now?” I asked defensively.
“Oh come on, Kyle, there’s no use trying to hide it.” Perry said. “I won’t force you to tell me anything, but if Nico hurts you to the point that you breakdown, just say the word, and I’ll make sure he regrets it for the rest of his life,” Perry said in a very serious tone and then smiled at me.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. I wonder what Perry would think and say if he finds out what was really going on between Nico and I.
The auditions for the casts of the movie continued that day. I was already in the room, with Mr. Anderson, Ms. Hopkins, and the Casting Director, when Nico arrived. We didn’t get much time to talk because the audition process begun.
That day, the part for the heroine of the romance-adventure-fantasy movie was being auditioned for, and there were a lot of different actresses, both new and familiar, that came to audition for the big project. It was about lunch time and there was a last actress that would audition before we take a break, and honestly I was surprised when Emily Green walked through the door.
She greeted everyone and started her screen test. I was listening to her speak, but I was looking at Nico’s expression. He had poker face that moment, I couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking, and I don’t even know what he was feeling. He said he was over her, because he had me, and I wanted to believe that at that moment, he felt nothing at all.
I noticed Emily looked at Nico longingly, but Nico’s eyes didn’t reciprocate. Somehow that made me feel at ease. My heart skipped when Nico looked at me instead. He smiled at me and I started blushing. I was both surprised and yet truly happy and content with that beautiful smile that he gave me. Emily noticed that and she looked disappointed, jealous, even.
When Emily walked out of the room, the panel started discussing them. “We don’t want that,” someone said.
“It’s a risk, I know, but with her talent, the heroine would really come to life,” The Casting Director argued.
“I’m sure about her,” Ms. Hopkins said. “She’s a good actress, but she’s missing something that the heroine needs. She lacks…”
“Innocence.” I didn’t want to say anything because I might be biased, but I couldn’t help but voice out my opinion.
“Right, she lacks that sense of innocence. No matter how good she acts, there’s still a strong aura around her,” Ms. Hopkins said.
“Why don’t we put her in the short-list for now, and think about it later. Maybe we could find a more suiting actress for the role,” Nico finally said to end the discussion.
I understand his decision, he was just being fair. I don’t blame him for that, but I would’ve liked it better if he just said that he didn’t like Emily for the role. Then again, if he did that, then everyone might think that he’s being unprofessional, that he dismissed her so easily because of the issue between the two of them.
“That seems reasonable,” Mr. Anderson said. “Now then, why don’t we have a break first and resume after an hour.” With that everyone stood up.
Before leaving the room first, Nico looked at me and then mouthed the words. “Let’s eat together.” I thought of it as my chance to finally talk to him about our relationship. I wanted to know where we really are.
Liking each other is not enough for me.
I want to be with him.
I want him to be mine, and I want to be his.
I followed Nico out, but when I was about to approach him, I saw Emily Green walk up to him. All I could see were their backs, so I had no idea what Nico’s expression was like at that moment. Did he look worried? Did he look excited? Did he look surprised? I wanted to know, so that I could know what I should feel at that time. Should I be worried? Should I be confident?
“What are you doing here, Emily?” Nico asked as they walked into small hall where no one would spot them. I followed them there and then hid on the corner.
“You don’t seem too happy to see me,” Emily replied.
“Answer me, why are you here?” Nico insisted.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here for you,” Emily replied.
“Emily…” Nico sighed. “I’m working, please, don’t do this here. Aren’t you worried to be seen like this with me?” He said. “Another scandal might break out.” Was Nico worried about Emily’s image? Was he still that concerned about her?
“I don’t care about that,” Emily replied. “Nico, I know that we’re like this right now because of me; because I decided to go with my managers plan, to act like there’s something between me and Stephen, and I know that the reason why you wanted to end things with me was because you were tired of all the secrets, tired of everyone thinking that Stephen is the one I love…”
“What’s the use of saying all of that now? Emily, we’re over.” Nico said.
“I don’t want us to be over, Nico. I know I’ve been a coward, a selfish woman that only thinks about her career, but I want to change things now. This time it’s going to be different, I’m going to fight for us. That’s why I’m here. This movie could be the break we’ve been waiting for, this could be my chance to break away from my love-team with Stephen. If this movie becomes a success, I won’t need to pretend with Stephen anymore. I don’t have to act in front of the world that he’s the one I love, because he isn’t. Nico, you’re the one I love, and that never changed.” Emily said.
My heart broke when I heard Emily’s words, partly because I was afraid that after hearing those words, Nico might realize that he still loves Emily and that his feelings for me was nothing but a fleeting emotion brought about by his vulnerability at that moment. I was very scared that Nico might realize that he only liked me because I was there for him when Emily was not. I was afraid that when Emily goes back to him, Nico would abandon me, and go back to her.
If things ended between us even before it started, I would be really devastated.
I wanted Nico to tell Emily that it was already too late for that. I wanted him to tell her what he told me; that he’s over her. Nico did not… instead he stayed quiet.
Why?
When we were still pretending to be dating, it was so easy for him to tell everyone, even Emily, that we are dating. Was it because it was easy for him to lie when there are other people around them, and now that they’re alone, he can’t lie to Emily at all?
Nico’s silence made me even more afraid. What was running in his mind at that moment? Was he contemplating on taking Emily back? Why wasn’t he saying anything? My heart was pounding in anticipation, and it felt like it was going to burst any moment.
Nico, are you really over Emily?
Do you really like me?
I wanted to ask him that.
Because after days of nothing happening between us, I was starting to have doubts.
Because he wasn’t even trying anything, I was starting to lose my self-confidence.
I had no doubts that Nico likes me, because the night he confessed, I felt that his words were true and sincere, through his voice and through his touch. What I was starting to doubt was the magnitude of his feelings for me.
Nico likes me, but what if he still likes Emily even more? He likes me, but what if he still has love for Emily in his heart? He likes me, but what if it wasn’t enough for him to totally forget Emily?
Sure, he said that he was over her, but there are things that we do that we’re unsure of, and words that we say that we didn’t really mean, whenever we are faced in situation that our hearts and mind were both under pressure.
Nico might seem cold to others, but I know for a fact that he is one of the kindest persons anyone can know. So, what if he just said that he’s totally over Emily to spare me from getting hurt. After all, a half-hearted confession hurts as much as rejection.
Confessing to me that he likes me while he still has a lingering feeling of love for Emily, that’s the single most cruel thing Nico could do to me.
“Emily…” Nico finally said. He was about to answer her, and I felt really afraid. I thought about walking away so I wouldn’t hear what he was about to say, but I figured that I can’t run every time I am afraid of something.
I already ran away when I was scared of being rejected by Nico, and I can’t do that again. I was prepared to hear Nico’s reply to Emily. I was prepared for the worst.
I closed my eyes and braced myself for the possible pain that would stab me in the heart.
“I…” Nico said.
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