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I’m not that cruel Part Five
It was if I could not see beyond reason. My eyes kept staring at Kihyun. He was still left there, standing, his face with worrisome.
I, however, cannot seem him clearly. I am beyond this mundane world right now. I’m in the future with the so said triplets that I have just conceived with Kihyun. Although I should be asking how he could conceive three fetuses, nevertheless conceive at all, I am left overwhelmed at the fact that I am a parent with the person I used to hate the most. I have become someone different and this situation, is the representation that it has changed.
Three babies staring right at me, their little eyes blinking and completely in awe of me, as I am to them. The smell of cleaning supplies petrifying my nostrils, too squeaky clean for my liking.
The room invading my personal space, making my insides feel like I am trapped, no where to turn, nowhere to hide. This is my reality.
Sweet, Kihyun sleeping soundlessly, his mind at ease knowing that I am there holding our children. I’m I at ease? One single moment shifts into another and the world that I seem to be used to, have no problem with, is now my confusion, woozy and foggy reality.
There is too much blinking. Slowly, I am brought back to earth, back to the mundane world of imperfections and unknown futures.
He is still staring right at me. His worry penetrating into mine. I am too, worried. Our worlds fused, becoming into a single place where we become one single correlation; we are both linked into the problem but we are not the cause of this happening. Just because we happen to intersect doesn’t mean that we are the cause of what this happen.
Something beyond our level of interpretation attracted us so that we can get over whatever feud we have between us. Me asking Kihyun to have sex didn’t have anything to do with this happening. It was this opportunity that allowed us to realize what we where- I, most importantly- was very, very toxic.
“What you’re saying is the mostly definite true, correct? You’re not lying to me, Kihyun, right?” My voice is croaky yet at the same holds the authority and affirmation that what I’m saying is serious.
I’m not allowing myself to show my
weakness, my fear, my entire old life flashing across my eyes.
Kihyun blinks. Blank expression although he looks thoughtful. I can see and, weirdly, feel his chest rapidly moving, in and out the air goes. My chest even feels like it is mimicking his.
“Kihyun, I’m not playing around,” I beg, the answer still lingering in my mind. I know the answer already. I just need to hear from his lips. He needs to confirm it, one last time.
He gulps. I close my eyes and insert my tongue in the inside between my mouth and my teeth to control myself and not lash out in front of what is a very vulnerable confrontation.
At this time I am hoping that the door opens so the tension can be release and I can have more time to think.
“It is the truth, Mr. Son. i was going to tell you soon but I didn’t know how you would react.” His shoulders begin to shake and his face distorts to creases and his lips start to quiver.
“Please, don’t call me Mr. Son in this situation. Talk to me like Shownu, the father of our children. Don’t think of me as your boss,” I demand, standing up and pushing my chair inside until it touches the table in which I lean my hands into the top of the chair and let my head fall to the front.
“Okay,” he speaks, the cries somewhat diminishing but you can hear the hiccups.
The noise from the outside is a good source of external noise that distracts my distraught heart. I shouldn’t be feeling like my life is ruined. But I do. My life is over. I need to take responsibility of what I have caused. What really worries me if this is going to further hurt Kihyun. I have done enough already.
“When was the last time you went to the doctor?” Now that I am involved, I need to make sure he’s taking care of himself and out children. I can’t -and won’t- stress him like I did before.
“A few days ago. Do you want to come with me on the next appointment?” Kihyun asks me, his voice a little cheerful although it is still somber.
“Definitely. I want to be involve in our children’s life. I want to be there and help you as they develop,” I say, picking up the ultrasound and folding the picture in half. Then I slip it into my back pocket and go around my desk so that I can be in front of Kihyun.
He’s shock when my hand touches his. It is more embarrassing for me to hold his hand right this second than when I was touching his body and he was moaning to my lips kissing his naked body.
There is some type of vulnerability showing up in the both of us. We are admitting that we need each other. No more ‘I am above him’ mentality. He is the bearer of our children and I am the giver.
His eyes slowly scan me until they are fixated on mine. “For a second I thought you we’re saying that you’ll be there for my entire pregnancy,” he sadly chuckles, but his eyes don’t move.
“You heard right.”
A small twitch. A hidden grim. “You won’t leave?” Throat scratchy, voice squeaky.
“Just because I was really mean to you doesn’t mean I’m a total monster. I do take responsibility seriously. Although, I am not implying that our relationship will go further than that of a co-parenting system.”
Kihyun nods rapidly, looking down and processing what I was saying to him. I realize what I said to him came out a little bit more harsher than I intended. It’s hard to get rid of my gestures and my cruel context when that is the only thing that I was comfortable with it.
I know I know. I’m so horrible. I’m so horrible for feeling comfortable in something that is uncomfortable for Kihyun. I was indulging myself in the pity and satisfaction in making Kihyun suffer and that is what I hate most about myself.
I’m trying to change, although there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go. Probably because that part of me was doing it because I didn’t want to show my true feelings for him so I did what I knew best: to fuck with his soul and made him afraid of me.
Pathetic, right.
“I completely understand. I will inform you of my next appointment. May I be excused,” he pleads, quickly removing his hands from me and stuffing them inside his back pocket.
Something about the way he said the first two sentences changed the way I was looking at him. It made me regret that I said that I didn’t want more than a parent relationship. There was hurt in his eyes. No longer terrified; there was an assertion of calmness yet he was done with me. With my indecisiveness.
Was I gentle or was I rude. Was I in or was I totally out from forming a relationship with him that was based on good intentions, and us getting along, rather than just a relationship that was strictly for the sake of our children.
“Kihyun, you don’t have to address me as your boss right now,” I explain for the second time. My brain was getting tired. My muscles heavy; a nap sounded good.
“It doesn’t seem like you’re addressing me as the other father of our children. I can’t let my guard down when that is all I do with you. You make me… be afraid of you sometimes.”
There it is. I am the fear in his entire being. I knew it. He knew it. But hearing from his mouth, the words invading my mind and telling me that I am horrible is like a clock, ticking, every single second, announcing the time that I can’t even let my guard down. Show him the real me. What if I am the real me? The me that I hold on to is probably long gone, buried deeply into the forgetting piece of my heart.
“Are you, afraid of me? Does your body jolt with the sight of me, of my deep voice commanding you?” My voice sounds fragile, hurt. My throat is dry, hard to swallow. My palms sweaty. My heart thumping, every flow filled with regret and pain that I never felt before.
“I thought you already knew. You loved doing that to me, Mr. Son,”Kihyun explains with authority in his voice as he quickens his pace and comes behind me to show me how small I really am. “You maliciously hid your smile when I would flinch, when I would crack my neck at another task that no other employee did.”
His joyful voice is closer to my ear as if he is inside my mind, he is my consciousness.
“Do you enjoy the pain of others? Do you hate me so bad that my pain is enjoyment to you,” he gritted his teeth.
I close my eyes, his mouth, his explanations, my actions, are taunting me. My brain is screaming ‘Horrible’ ‘Cruel’ ‘Cold-hearted’ ‘Sadist’. My body shivers at the word.
“I don’t like when I hurt you,” I tell him, my head getting lower and lower.
“Wrong. You do love hurting me. You were fine asking me about having sex with me out of a sickening bet. You didn’t care that you were using me as toy even if I did agree to it. And I did because I just wanted you to stop hurting me.”
He laughs. A laugh that I will never want to hear again. That laugh was mocking me. Calling every little thing that I did to him. Where ever my so called ‘Masochism’ went, is long gone now. I can’t even claim myself. I hurt it too.
“And you know what is the worst thing out of all things is that now that I am pregnant , I can’t stop thinking of you, that perhaps I can change you and I don’t think I’m really confident that you will,” he says with a sad smile.
My eyes were open now, staring at him looking back at me with pity. I stand there not knowing what to do or say. At this second, he is in control. He is the boss.
As he is in front of me, I can see from my peripheral vision that he’s hiding his belly with two sweaters that are too big for him. If you look closely, you can still pin point that he is pregnant. His belly shows a little and in my mind I want to smile. They are there, forming, constantly changing into the stages they are supposed too.
But I don’t smile. I look away from his belly and look straight into the wall before us. To the clock that I always see, that I always count the time to finally get out of here so that I can leave my mask behind.
“And whether I’m confident or not, I still think of one thing,” his voice goes softer. I feel his hand grasp my jaw, bringing it down to his height, where is slightly on top of his head. I look down at him, and engulf myself in his gesture, tranquility. “And what is that?”
“That I really, really like you.” His hands grab my suit and he pulls me closer to his face where his lips touch mine and we immediately start to kiss.
My hands clasp over his body- I can feel his bump pressing on my belly, something that makes my insides flip with excitement- and I forget that we we’re in a situation of confessing everything that I did to hurt him.
~~~
The door was closed. My back was pressed on the chair as I leaned on it. I was looking up, reflecting on this week.
As in cue, like every time I leave the small cubical offices, everyone goes back to talking, their voices not even minimal. It seems like they are throwing a party out there.
Woo Hoo! A party thrown after my dismissal. So typical.
That is not even what bothers me. It would of bother if I didn’t have a rough week. After everyone had left the cubical offices, Kihyun- who was waiting for me- would come inside my office and with a warm smile come for me and we would go eat and then I would drop him off at his place.
His place was so small and there was verily any food there. It was like if he didn’t even lived there.
My head was pounding and my fingers pressing on my temple was not working. I can even feel the pounding in my teeth.
A slight tinge of irritation flashed crossed my face as I recalled the first time I went to his apartment.
Before I had gone to his apartment, there was somewhere we needed to go first, according to Kihyun.
It was late in the afternoon, the cubical offices were deserted and the only one there was the janitor cleaning the carpet.
I was shutting my computer down, and gathering my stuff when Kihyun enters cheery, almost as if he’s skipping while coming over to me and planting a sweet, savory kiss on my lips.
Our relationship was rather rocky. It wasn’t really a Love relationship like boyfriend and boyfriend. And it wasn’t just mere stranger relationship. I would say it was in between a combination of both and the other fact that we are bound by our children. Do I even slightly love him?
I was confused, kind of giddy inside as well even more confused after seeing Hyungwon at the door acting awkward and looking somewhere else other than on us.
“So I was thinking that we can have dinner with my friends so we can get to know each other more, you know, other than boss and employees,” he gestures with his hand in circular motion.
“Minhyuk is not here though,” I query, not seeing the other friend around.
“He didn’t want to come. Said he was busy but we all know he doesn’t really like you, especially after you become, I guess more,” he says, using his hands to air quote,” ‘nicer.'” He shrugs, leaning one foot and placing his hand on the back of his hip.
“I see. Well I guess the three of us can go to a restaurant and eat,” I say, getting my keys and guiding Kihyun out the door with my hands on his shoulder. Hyungwon is holding the door and then closes it once we are out of my office and onto the cubical offices.
“You’re paying right?” Hyungwon asks me as we pass the janitor who was playing loud music on his earphones, dancing while he vacuums the carpet.
“Hyungwon, you don’t ask that to our boss,” Kihyun mortified screeches.
I chuckle,”Sure. I make more money than you.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have said that because after we sat down and had looked at the menu, and ordered, there was several minutes of pure silence.
Lovely chatter surrounded us, a lady eating with her fiancée at the right end of space that the restaurant called VIP. The table next to us had two elderly couple eating in silence- a good silence.
Our silence was deafening; awkward. I was fine with Kihyun. With the days gone by, our late dinners sparked a conversation and we were more comfortable with each other. Hyungwon with us, I’m not so sure it is comfortable at all.
A part of me wishes that my phone would ring so the tension can be off and I can recollect and come back with ease, perhaps I could even start the conversation.
“So, i know we are all meeting here and getting to know each other and all, but like shouldn’t we get a raised by now. I need to pay bills you know,” Hyungwon complains, no filter whatsoever.
I’m stricken back. So much for acting like normal people. I guess my tittle as boss doesn’t end at the office with any kind of employee.
My posture remains erect as I fold my fingers. “You can add a complain to me on the document list of complains and I can happily look it over,” I tell him sarcastically nice and friendly.
“I will do so. I mean not be mean but I do need a raise. Just think it over,” he suggests, getting the bread that was placed on the table by a waiter a couple of moments ago.
“We all need something at some point in our lives but I don’t think it is appropriate to whine about it during dinner, don’t you think so, Hyungwon,” Kihyun grits his teeth as he gives him a look of disapproval.
“It’s fine. I will look it over with Joheeon and my father. I’m your boss but i have my own boss as well. I’ll let you know what happens when I bring it up.” I smile at him and grab a bread too. I need something to keep me busy.
“Did you have a chance to look at cribs, yet?” Kihyun asks, giving me his full attention.
I shake my head. I have been looking at cribs but I like none of the ones I’ve seen. “I prefer to have them custom made so I’m having them made big enough so that the triplets Can sleep together.”
“You don’t want to have separate cribs?”
“No,” I say.” It’s going to take a lot of space and the triplets can sleep together when they’re here. I’m also giving them the biggest room in the house,” I explain, my excitement showing.
“What house?” Hyungwon intervenes, his eyes glued to the conversation.
I take a small pause and prepare to tell him what I have been planning ever since he told me about his pregnancy.
“My uncle gave me a house of my own that I never used when I graduated from school. It’s closer to the office more than my condominium. I never had a reason to move in there so now that I do I was thinking that we should move in there together,Kihyun,” I carefully say, awaiting for his answer.
I should of probably told him. I didn’t want to tell him when I was certain that I had the house ready and working. He wouldn’t do anything other than relax. The house would be taken care of by a house worker, that is for sure.
“Woah,” Hyungwon comments, his mouth parted open and his eyes wide and huge.
“You want me to move in with you?” Kihyun softly says, no anger, just astonishment.
“Yes, of course. I want to take care of you right away. Kihyun, you’re in a critical stage. We’re having not one but three children, and the fact that you’re a male puts you in such a difficult state. I want to help you be at ease,” I explain to him with such a rush that I probably didn’t give him a single second to think.
He blinks. He stares at Hyungwon for a very long time and then he looks down on at his belly. With a smile, he brings my hand and places it on his stomach. “I will gladly move in with you.”
The dinner went smoothly if I could say so myself. Hyungwon became more at ease although he became more annoying with the bursting of questions that made me wish it was just me and Kihyun.
It wasn’t long until we were in his apartment and I was scrunching my nose at how badly he lived. I have nothing against his apartment other than that he really doesn’t take care of it.
I was in his kitchen, looking at all the contents inside and it gave me a sense of wanting to sit him down and lecture him for not properly taking care of himself.
The apartment felt familiar. It had everything of Kihyun despite the lack of things he had in here. There was his jacket that he wore on most days, laying on a single chair attached to the table. He had a pot filled with water and his coffee machine was still plugged.
I pursed my lips, unplugging the cord from the wall. He wasn’t really aware of the consequences in a pregnancy if you chose to do things you weren’t supposed to do. And I don’t blame him.
He probably hasn’t been around to see a pregnancy develop. Thanks to my aunt, I got to see my two nephews come to life and help them until they were old enough to tie their shoes.
There is things that I keep hiding. Emotions that I don’t show. The real me is masked behind the image that I perceive to have and try to demonstrate. What you see is not what you get.
To others I am cruel, to my past self, I am gentle. I chose to be this way. I’m not so sure now that I have Kihyun.
This overwhelming feeling washes over me. I want to be with him at our house already. I want to see what awaits for us. Will it change us into something more? Will it destroy us? That is what I want to unveil.
Kihyun claimed that he had to go to the restroom when we first enter his apartment, leaving me with Hyungwon. A few seconds later and he also claimed to want to go to the restroom so that left me alone in the kitchen.
It has been ten minutes that I have been left alone and weirdly enough, I am sitting down on the table, tapping my fingers on the table to make myself busy.
They are surely taking forever on the restroom unless they talking shit about me.
My patience is wearing thin. If they are talking about me then I want to know what exactly they are talking about me.
The hallway to the restroom was not far from the kitchen. The door was closed, the lights were turned on thanks to the small space between the end of the door and floor.
I lean myself back on the wall and stand there quietly as I strain my ear so that I can hear better.
At first I couldn’t hear anything and then there was a crash and then a scream followed after. I wasn’t so worried since the scream belonged to Hyungwon. It seem that he dropped a shampoo bottle.
“Why are you moving with him all of sudden? You verily even told him about the pregnancy and now you’re acting like if you guys are dating,” Hyungwon bitterly screams.
It’s none of your business, I want to bite in. He has no input whatsoever in what we do together. He’s not the father and certainly he is not part of the decisions that we make together either right now or in the future.
A best later, Kihyun screams back,” because I can. I don’t care if he’s being nice to me because of the triplets, I want to be with him. I deserve to have a place where I can be taken care of. And if you don’t like it then so be it.”
“Are you really choosing him over your friends?” Hyungwon questions with hurt in his voice.
“I’m not choosing anyone over anyone. I need you and Minhyuk as much as I need Shownu. Please don’t make me chose,” Kihyun pleads, his voice faltering down which makes everything harder to hear.
Kihyun needs me. After all that I have caused, he still needs me. That means he still has some part of trust in me. And frankly I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t want my mask to hide who I really am inside. But at the same time, I don’t want to show the real me.
I’m stuck and I hate choosing between ‘I’m cruel and ‘I’m not that cruel’ category.
What do I choose?
~~~
A/N:
Ahhh another part of Showki. This time you see more of the vulnerable part in Shownu. You see a little of his reasons on to why he’s cruel but that it should never justified. Also if I don’t make sense when I’m talking about correlation I apologize. In my mind it made sense but I don’t if it will to you guys.
There is more dialogue so I hope you like it greenappleisme ❤️🙆🏻♀️ I hope that I can upload Kismet within this week. School started and I’m already drowned in homework 😭
-Laterz Kelsi.
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