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I’m Not That Cruel Pt. 8
A familiarity sense of nostalgia plagues Shownu’s entire conscious. He hadn’t been back here in so long. The last time he was here he was still his old self, and had no clue of his future.
Uncertainty hover on top of his cloud that weighted like ton of bricks, threatening to spill and drag him with it. Shownu, before knocking, contemplated whether she would open or not. They weren’t on a fight, neither did she despise him. That would never occur inside her mind. Shownu was sure of it.
Lately, though, he had ignored her calls so he wondered if she would ignore him which she tends to do when she’s upset with him.
And it’s clearly she’s not since he’s sitting down on her old, blue worn out couch that he remembers he used to sit in forever when they were younger.
After the incident with his father, he wanted to go see Kihyun. Maybe his hug would help him clear his head, and assure him that he wouldn’t turn out like his father.
Shownu knew that wasn’t an option for him, despite him wanting it so bad, so instead he went to the person who would understand him, and help him clear his head. Not only that. He really, really missed his best friend.
An Imposing smile carved itself onto his mouth. His eyebrows arched, impression on his mind. She still kept the picture of them, unconsciously throwing their head back while abundance of warm colors stretched behind them.
Gosh. They were so young, his immature self still not developed. He almost wanted to cry. Despite the the events that led after that, ripping their worlds apart, he still wanted to go back and live the life where he didn’t have things to worry about, and the only thing on his mind was what kind of future his life would be.
Not wanting to look anymore, he cocks his head to the left, his eyes landing on a picture frame of her 11 month old daughter, her little hands playing on some toys on the ground. There’s nostalgia creeping in. Suddenly, Shownu wishes she’s back here to keep him away from his thoughts.
Not having been back in less than five minutes, his friend, Leticia, has been taking a long time in the kitchen.
He was almost about to call her when she emerges from the door, two glasses of coke in her hand. Shownu takes one once she’s right next to him.
“You haven’t been answering my calls,” she comments, placing her drink on the small, rectangle table.
“I know. There’s been a lot going on,” he says, chugging his drink, afraid of cracking his voice
“Is it your father?” Shownu nods, Leticia mimicking his gesture.
Leticia knew all about his father, of what type of person he was, the things that have scarred Shownu mentally. She had been there the night of the accident, the night his mother and sister died, her hands on his cheeks while he cried, drowning his emotions into a poodle of pain and loss.
“He, uh, wants me to do the same thing he told me to do a few years ago,” he lets himself say out loud, weighing the causes of his words. He hears Leticia hold in a breath, a gasp following after, echoing into his fragile, whimpering heart.
“You’re having kids?”
“Three actually,” Shownu adds, a smile hidden behind the sadness of his voice.
“Triplets,” she whispers back, this time picking up her drink and slowly taking a sip from the glass.
Memory lane is swirling to his conscious, that night present on their minds. This conversation was held seven years, suggestions they did not want to have, yet it was a must that they did.
“Your father doesn’t know the love of a child. He doesn’t know the love and laughter our child would have had if he was here right with us,” Leticia whimpers, wiping away the tears that were flowing down to her cheeks and onto her neck.
“You know that we can’t think of him like the ‘what if’. He’s gone, Leti, we can’t do anything about it,” Shownu tries to tell her as sweetly as he can, but even himself, he knows that his words, or any words, would be a comfort to her broken soul: the loss of a child she dearly wanted.
“I know. I know. Sometimes it’s hard. He never got to see the light; I never got to hold him in my arms,” she wails, her body shaking uncontrollably.
“I’m so sorry. At times I wonder if I would of been there, perhaps he could been with us,” he confesses, the thoughts that he kept at night just came out the same as when the clouds can’t keep the water any longer and its only solution is to let all out.
“No, no. It wouldn’t have changed anything. Your father did this all on his own. He refused to have our kid come into this world, that’s why our baby boy couldn’t pass the third trimester.”
Shownu remembers how his arms held Leticia, after the incident, her life sucked out of her, color drained away from her face. He wanted to be strong. Strong for the both of them. Deep inside, he wasn’t. It was clear that he wasn’t strong on the outside either. He only cried once: the day he dropped her off from the hospital and into her house, and after he had came home to the house empty, the lights off and the cold to accompany his soul.
There was no one to keep him company. Leticia was with her family. His father at work. His mother and sister in heaven, and himself on a house that felt at times a hotel and not a house.
After the last cry, the anger that came with his tears, he vowed to never let his emotions get to him. A few weeks later Leticia said her goodbyes and left to leave with her dad overseas, leaving him with the aftermath, and to be scarred once again the loss of another importance in his life.
He had no one. And although, his actions and his vows were cruel, he would no longer care for a soul, for anybody at all. He wouldn’t give a shit.
Years and years did his soul turn into foul, sour, hatred of the world. He was becoming so good at it. The despise of human kind, the ogre that everyone said he was. And he didn’t mind. Until.
Until.
He met Kihyun and his actions became an embarrassment and a shame.
Now, after they composed themselves, and her cries were diminished, Shownu told her about Kihyun, and the things he had done to him, with great shame, of course.
Thinking that the room was becoming too hot, and compressing, he opened the windows of her apartment and then stroked her hair. He really, really missed.
“I’m glad that you’re not turning out like your father. But I’m really disappointed that you hid all these things from me. I painted you as the same carefree boy, turns out you were becoming a monster behind my painting.”
Hearing her words brought regret to his tight chest. He never thought he would hear that come out of her mouth. She was always so proud, even when things turn ugly, their personalities changed, their views distorted, she still held those twinkly eyes that displayed how much she admire him for being there through it all.
Her sweet smile, that tired look on her face that told her that even if everything was not okay at this moment, somehow, sometime later, they would be okay.
She was sporting that smile, yet it didn’t look of proudness, instead, it was a reflecting smile. She was lost in thought. Shownu took a huge breath in, exhaling into his hands, worrisome becoming a constant feeling these days.
Ever since Kihyun told him about his triplets he has lost sleep. At first he didn’t want to believe it. He fucked up the first time. He didn’t do his best to keep his son safe. And now he had three coming on the way; just the thought of losing all them would be the last string that he holds on before he lets go and loses the possibility of having the familiarity of a family and of love.
Despite doing horrid shit to Kihyun, and disappointing Leticia, he still wanted to better for him, for his kids, for Kihyun whom deserves everything after he did what he did. Even mentioning brought a disgusting taste to his mouth.
“Are you ever going to tell him about your family,” she says, the question impending, sounding more like an interrogation.
Was that even a question?
Shownu straightens up, his face hardening, his fists balling. “There’s no point. I want him away from my past, from my mistakes. From the luck of my father. I don’t want to lose him,” he lowly whispers, fragile, broken.
“I understand.” Leticia nods, her hands on his wrists now. Her voice goes higher, sweeter, as she holds the tears from coming out,” you will have your family. Your triplets will be born, I swear that they will. I can feel it. Just, don’t stop seeing me, alright? I don’t want you to be part of my past.”
Shownu closes his eyes. This part feels like closure, like they will never see each other again. But it’s more than that. This the closure of the reassurance that they’re son is really gone, a much need closure. Their son is gone, they have to accept it. The past was the only thing that kept them together.
Leticia is still holding his wrists, he can feel her grip hard, sending electricity of pain, of suffering. He hears her sobs coming as the day darkness signaling that his time was coming to an end.
“I will come when I can. I’ll like to see your daughter. Thank you for understanding. Kihyun doesn’t need to know about my past life, at all. He’s better being my future,” Shownu finally says, sniffing, cleaning the lady’s tears that were drying, right after Leticia let go of her grip.
With a sigh, and a long hug, Shownu walks off from her apartment, and slowly walks back to his car, his mind already going on a trance, the last thoughts of what the past had taken from him.
~ ~ ~
Laughter invaded the room as Joheeon opened the door, documents opened on his hand. He doesn’t look up as he sits down next to Shownu.
Lunch was for another half hour. Shownu was counting the minutes until he can get out of this boring meeting, and go see Kihyun so he can take them to the super market.
This morning, Kihyun had announced that he was going to try and cook food for the sake of the both of them. Usually one person in the relationship knows how to cook. In their case, none of them knows how to cook. Shownu was fine with that. They can just get a cook or order food. He see no problem with that.
Kihyun disagreed, stating, and quoting “we’re serving our kids homemade foods so we can all sit down and eat like normal human beings.”
Without questioning, he agreed only with the option that he would go with him so that they can both pick ingredients and learn what they like, don’t like, can or can’t eat.
Throughout the day he refrained himself from smiling since that expression can cause others to question him. From all the years he has been there he has never smiled, a carefree smile or laughed with his employees. Doing so now might make him embarrassed, or even worse think differently from him. Not that he wants to be called an ogre, or sadist. But he would rather be known having a temper than anything else.
A yawn escaped Shownu’s lips as he stares at his watched. The numbers weren’t making sense, the paper was distorted, his eyes glossy.
“Bored?” Joheeon whispers, bringing his head closer.
“Very,” he replies, turning on the next page. The other people in the room were serious, concentrated on their papers. No one uttered a word, no one turn their heads up when Shownu spoked again, “I’m gonna go grocery shopping for lunch break.”
Joheeon suppresses a laugh, pressing his lips together. “Since when do you go grocery shopping during your lunch break?”
“Starting now. There’s nothing wrong with that,” he says, fixing his suit, smacking his lips.
“Didn’t say anything like that. This boy has you smitten.” Joheeon cocks his head, and starts to wobble his pencil from between his fingers.
Shownu says nothing. His eyes stares at his watch again. Time won’t go any faster. He can feel his impatience growing, urging him to get out of the room. His skin at the moment wants to feel Kihyun under him, his eyes want to see Kihyun’s smile, his heart wants to skip a beat upon hearing Kihyun’s laughter that rolls out of his mouth when he hears a joke, when he reads something that is ridiculous on his phone.
Time is no issue for the others; their faces neutral, their bodies at ease. In the other hand, his body wants to leap out of his position, it wants to run out wild and feel the brisk air from outside that he so desperately needs right now.
Sweat forms on his hands. His left side of his head starts to pound, a pulse rapidly disturbing his brain. Suddenly it feels hot, his suit is too tight, the hot trapped between his skin and the fabric.
To keep himself steady, and in control, his eyes focus on a painting of the 19th century. Three women are in the painting in long white dresses, their necks and arms covered. Three of them are sitting and the other is looking somewhere, her hand covering her eyes from the sun; she looks as if she’s looking for something. They’re on a cliff, the ocean behind them, the sky pastel blue, a perfect day to be outside.
He had no idea who it was made from. The only thing he remembers that the painting is from the 19th century when someone told him the first time he looked at it, years ago.
As he stares at the sky, perfectly clear, on top of the girls, his mind wanders off to another place, the day he first made real love with Kihyun. That night Kihyun was safe in his arms, they had trust for each other. He almost let the words “I love you” slip out of his mouth. Those words were too soon to be said out loud.
Who knows what Kihyun would have said if Shownu did said those words out loud? And as he thinks about it, he knows that the answer might be what he doesn’t want to hear so it’s best that he doesn’t say anything. After all that happened, it’s not easy to let go of the person who he was, and immediately expect Kihyun to accept his new establishing person and forgive him for his terrible actions.
Still, he hopes that that changes with time. He wants that trust that they had that night. He wants Kihyun to feel safe in his arms when he was there. He wants Kihyun to look at him the way he did the next morning after they made love, his hands cleaning his wound that had winded up after he dashed to Kihyun’s room to see if he was in danger. Those eyes showed he was warming up to him, perhaps he was smitten with him as well.
A hidden smile, a caring touch suffocatingly arose within him. He wanted to explode. Not from anger. From this inexplicable feeling that he couldn’t understand. It felt as if he didn’t recognize this feeling. Of care. Of gentleness. Of sweetness. He almost didn’t understood what it felt to have someone give him care, to gently caress and address his wounds, and that moment he wanted to sob, reaching, wanting the hug of his mother.
Shownu can suspect a sob wanting to escape his lips so he removes himself from his trance and composes his posture. Joheeon was now concentrated on his paper work, no longer playing a round. His watch said twenty minutes until lunch will be announced.
No. He couldn’t wait that long. Quietly he slips from the room and goes in search for Kihyun. They’ll probably not realize he left so he’s not too worried about it.
As he passes the cubicles, he realizes that Kihyun is not there. Minhyuk locks eyes with him and says nothing. He quickly returns to his computer leaving him confused. The cold shoulder. Well more like, ignoring him if that’s the case. It’s alright with Shownu. It doesn’t hurt him one bit. He’s not here to please an overbearing best friend, he’s here to please the man he loves.
If Kihyun wasn’t in the cubicles then it only means one thing: either he’s in the restroom or in the kitchen. His gut says he’s in the kitchen so he turns on his heel and struts there, unbuttoning his suit and taking off, leaving himself cold from the cloth that proved warmth.
Just as he had imagined, Kihyun was sitting on a chair, his legs crossed, eating a bag of chips, a rather larger bag, and was scrolling through his phone, giggling to himself.
Without uttering a word, Shownu sits down on the chair, pulling his leg over the other one and placing his hands on top of his leg, intertwining them together. He clears his throat, a smirky grin on his face,” In twenty minutes lunch will start.”
Kihyun yelps, almost dropping the bag of chips. He eats the last one, and guiltily shuts his phone off. “I wasn’t that hungry, but your kids wanted these chips so bad. Don’t tell Hyungwon that I ate them,” Kihyun says, his eyes alert. “He’s gonna kill me.
“I’m pretty sure he’ll know it was you.” Shownu smiles harder this time, taking the bag from Kihyun.
“Dammit. I’ll buy him two bags to replace this one.” Kihyun cleans his salty hands on his pants and quickly storms to Shownu.
“Okay, so we’re gonna go now, right? Cause I’m craving some burgers right now,” Kihyun plops down on Shownu’s legs, pushing them down flat so he can sit comfortably, and kisses him on the lips.
“Didn’t you crave that yesterday?”
“Yeah. Our girl wants burgers today, though so we have to please her or else she’ll end up looking like a burger, and we don’t want that right?” Shownu puckers his lips, Kihyun playing with his tie. Shownu knows that he’s compelling him to give him what he wants because then their children will turn out like a food only cracks him up. Of course their kids wouldn’t turn out like a fast food ailment, but it amuses him to see him coerce him into thinking of that.
Shownu didn’t mind. He liked pleasing his very pregnant person (he still doesn’t know where their relationship stands, so he doesn’t know what to call him).
“At some point you’ll have to eat healthy,” Shownu warns him, his hands placed on Kihyun’s belly, feeling their son from the left side of his belly.
“I know. Just trying to avoid it for now. For years I have been eating ‘unhealthy’ so it’s weird that I have to start eating boring foods,” Kihyun pouts.
“And you’ll still be able to eat those ‘unhealthy foods’, but now you’ll include vegetables and fruits. A balance, I guess,” he shrugs, not knowing why he cares so much about eating healthy.
Which he should have all the right to want his lover eating healthy. Eating too much junk food makes the baby weigh more which then causes more difficulties in giving birth. In this case, Kihyun is pregnant with three which already means he’s gonna have a difficult birth, and the lives of their children are in more danger because of how many of them their children is, add in the fact that Kihyun is a male, that only makes things more complicated. So of course he was going to worry.
“Okay, Mr. Nutritionist. Who knew you where so strict on food. You sound like Minhyuk,” Kihyun says, shaking his head, a little upset as he removes himself from Shownu. “I’m gonna return the chips with a little sticky note.”
~ ~ ~
The first thing that Kihyun brought to the cart was frozen chicken nuggets box from the frozen aisle. It hadn’t been two minutes when Kihyun was already gone and back with something in hand.
Shownu gave him a look of “wait” and then turned the cart to the side of the fruit and vegetable section. The fruit section was crowded, people grabbing cucumbers that were on sale. Three for a dollar wasn’t so bad. Shownu pulls a bag from the roll and get his hand on the cucumbers once a middle age lady, with silver hair, leaves with a full bag of cucumbers.
He grabs one and examines it. This one is a good one. The lady next to him charters to a man holding two large bottles of coke on his arms. She tells the man about something related with his son as Kihyun emerges again from one of the aisles, a box of pancake mix in his hand and bread.
“Do you like cucumbers?” Shownu asks while he grabs two other more and insert them in the bag. He then places them on the cart and moves on from the cucumbers and into the tomatoes.
“Yeah. They’re not my favorite to eat. I still eat them whenever Minhyuk brings them to lunch,” he says, inspecting the tomatoes. “So, what are you gonna do with the tomatoes?”
“Soup, pasta, cook them with meat, other recipes,” Shownu says, pulling another bag from the roll, this time taking three bags at the same time.
“So then you do cook?”
“Not necessarily. Only when I want to. Most of the time I eat at restaurants. Cooking brings back memories,” he says, carefully choosing his words.
“What kind of memories?” Kihyun adding three tomatoes to the bag. The bag is full by now so they move on to the onions.
Shownu takes a long breath and answers,” Good ones that I don’t want to remember. Anyways, can you bring me oranges. I can make you orange juice in the morning.”
“Sure.” Kihyun keeps his neutral voice as he walks to the oranges, yet Shownu can tell there’s an edge to it. Kihyun is taken back, he is confused, he is curious.
“Cooking reminds me of my lonely days,” he lowly whispers to himself as he fights the tears.
The onions were at it again. Not cut, yet, still bring a man to shed its tears.
Cooking was the only normal thing after his mother and sister’s death. His mother had taught him how to cook, and it wasn’t for that skill, he would of starve for months before his dad took himself from his depressing state and found himself a new wife and nanny to take care of his son, leaving him to be attended by strangers.
Kihyun is back, oranges in hand, and a drink already half way finished. “I found this recipe online that looks really good. It had mushrooms on it, maybe we can make it later tonight if you want,” Kihyun suggests him, handing him the drink and adding the oranges to the cart.
“Sure. What else does it need?” He opens the drink and takes a huge chug of it.
“It needs..” Kihyun begins to lists things as they move on to find the ingredients. Shownu is grateful that Kihyun is talking so the the can distract him from the sudden memory that still brings hurt to his fragile memory lane.
An hour later, the cart is almost full, and they’re standing in front of cups of ramen noodles.
“Why can’t I have them?”
“Because,” Shownu begins,returning some cups to their original place,” they have too much sodium, and they have this BPA chemical that causes birth defects.”
“You’re overreacting,” Kihyun argues, going to the cups again.
“I can pull articles on the dangers of the chemical. Plus, Minhyuk would tell you the same thing as I am. And I know you listen to him.” He raises his eyebrows, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Whatever. Can I still get Pingüinos?”
“Yes.
“I can’t believe you’re like Minhyuk,” Kihyun says under his breath as he walks to the aisle of the cream filled chocolate cupcakes. Shownu follows after, pulling the cart and smiling widely.
This boy is going to be a challenge when it comes to food. Shownu smiles again. His mind imaging how the night is going to be like once they get home and cook the recipe. He can’t wait.
~ ~ ~
A/N:
I had so much fun writing this part. Ahh my heart is broken and smitten at the same time.
Another one shot coming soon. greenappleisme hope you like it love 💗
-Laterz Kelsi.
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