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As he touched the door with his back, Kihyun slowly drag himself down to the floor, his eyes closing. Shownu’s secret was killing him, changing the views he had on Shownu.
Shownu said he wasn’t cruel, which is what he had discovered through his gestures and characteristics now that he was living with him. But it was cruel to Kihyun how Shownu doesn’t trust him enough to tell him about his other child. Kihyun needs him to trust him, he wants him to understand that this won’t push him away. His lies are what ultimately will challenge him whether he stays with him or if he had enough.
Kihyun doesn’t want to feel this way like his insides are tugging him in a different direction, unknowing where to turn next. He doesn’t want to have to raise his children in a home where both parents aren’t living together. His father was shitty, he doesn’t want to be shitty to his children.
The door was cold. His hands, pressed on the door as well, made his body ache and burn. His body was twisted yet he couldn’t move. His belly was getting in the way of his legs, his thigs stretching themselves to keep his body in balance.
While his body aches, his mind was in agony.
He had realized how ignorant he had been at dinner. He had verily looked at Shownu as he continued to talk to his friends. And is not like he had meant to do that. His life had changed so much. It had been so different from the time his friend met Shownu at the restaurant.
They had been strangers, thrown together into a spiral of a mess. He didn’t know Shownu as much he does now, well a little better if he says so himself.
It sucked that Shownu restricted himself to others, keeping that facade of cruelty. He was not. At least not at home. And Kihyun wondered why he put up a front in his persona and why he chose to present himself as a monster to his employees just to appear as intimidating.
Kihyun shook his head, his heart in a tug of war, unable to understand the man he loved. He didn’t know what to think at all. The one thing he was sure of was that he was going to break down those walls Shownu has built around himself. Shownu will trust him eventually, and it’s his job to get there.
As sure as he was now, Kihyun began to realize that his body was stuck. His hand was pressed on the door while the other was grabbing onto the white closet. His belly was folded between himself and his legs. The pain spreading through his thighs was unbearable.
Closing his eyes, Kihyun grits his eyes as he tries to pull himself up.
This attempt to get up failed. Before he could shout from the surprise of his faulty balance, his leg twists and he falls on his back.
Moaning, Kihyun touches his back, attempting to sooth the place where he got most hurt. Kihyun is sure he’s back is red.
“Fuck, ” Kihyun curses, his eyes still close. The fall took his breath away and all he could breath in was pain. Every move he made his back cried in pain.
Kihyun greeted his teeth as he pushed himself up, his knees finally pressed on the floor. This was a bad idea. He should’ve sat down and contemplated in the bed.
One. Two. Three. He takes a deep breath. With all his strength, he places his hands on the wall of the closet and pulls himself up.
“Hang on, ” he tells his children as he hugs the wall, afraid to fall again.
Why is it that I need Shownu more than ever when I feel so awkward with him?
Kihyun contemplates whether to call Shownu for help. He doesn’t want to be seen as weak when the bed is right next to him. A couple of inches away and he is in the ecstasy of pleasure.
But he’s scared to fall. His legs are jelly and even standing up he’s afraid of his legs giving in.
What do I do? Why is he taking forever to come into our room?
By now his head is pressed on the wall while his eyes are closed. His hands are shaking really bad as well as his legs. It won’t be long before Shownu comes back.
That’s what he tells himself. It won’t be like before. This time someone will come back.
He can hear silence. Strange how he can hear silence. Silence does have a sound. The sound of your own breathing. Of fear in your lungs, of fear in the pit of your stomach. Sharp senses, as if life is in a dream. Everything is sharp in a dream. You can feel everything, analyze everything, visualize everything.
He’s standing there, watching. Blood in puddles, eyes boring into nothing. Watching the lifeless bodies with eyes open, color still in them.
Kamirah in the far corner. Her small body hiding behind her dad, her face not seen. He wanted to cry, to run to her, to see if she was still alive. But he was afraid of getting shot as well.
He was a coward. He ran back home to await the arrival of his parents. He could still hear the gunshots in his ears.
I’m next.
“Please, don’t hurt me, ” Kihyun whimpers, a hand on his back.
“Kihyun, it’s me.” Shownu’s voice breaks through the gunshots. Kihyun opened his eyes to see a worried Shownu. Shownu’s hands were on his body keeping him from falling.
Shownu’s hands were shaking. Kihyun’s body was shaking really bad. He was safe. No gunshots were near. No gun was present. No lifeless bodies were in the room.
It was just him. And Shownu.
Kihyun pulling Shownu into a hug willing let himself cry. “What took you so long.”
Startled, Shownu wipes his tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize that you were gone. I was cleaning all the dishes so it wouldn’t look a mess. I’m so sorry.”
Saying nothing, Shownu takes the hint of him being really hurt and walks him to their bed. Shownu gently pulls him into the bed and lowers his body so he’s lying down perfectly on the bed.
Shownu climbed into the bed and pulled him into his embrace. Shownu pulled Kihyun’s hair from his face and dried his sweat with the back of his hand.
“I was…”
Shownu cut him off. “We don’t need to talk about it. I don’t want you to relieve the scene.”
“Okay.” Kihyun nodded his head, his arms slowly letting loose.
“Next time please call me. I don’t want you to get hurt, ” Shownu said, placing his hand on Kihyun’s left hip.
At this contact, Kihyun winced. I guess I did get hurt, Shownu thought. His hip doesn’t hurt as much upon contact. He didn’t want to worry Shownu as he was doing now. Shownu had creased his eyebrows and was tenderly removing Kihyun’s pants from his skin to inspect his wound.
Kihyun closed his eyes, the fingers of Shownu sending shivers in his shoulders. Breathing in and out, Kihyun winces. Shownu’s fingers are cold and his touch slowly turns the pain into a sensation of pleasure. A pleasure of inexplicable understanding, an overwhelming sense of being taken care of. Of someone making sure he was alright.
“Do you want me to help you take these pants off? The hem of the pants are only going to keep hurting you.” Shownu looks at him earnestly, and his eyes, filled with patience, melts him into further vulnerability. The only thing Kihyun can do is nod. He is lost of words.
Before Shownu can remove his pants off, he slowly kisses his wound. Kihyun winced at the touch but relaxed after Shownu began to take his pants off.
Without pants, Kihyun felt naked. He tried to cover his legs with his hands when Shownu grabbed his arms and crossed over his chest.
“I’m not a stranger anymore. I’m not judging your body that is carrying my children,” said Shownu, a tinge of a small hidden on his face.
As Shownu rummages through his clothes to find a loose bottom pajamas, Kihyun lets out a wide smile. This was unexpected. He thought Shownu was going to shout at him for exposing his children to pain. Instead he’s helping him change and allowing him to not move as to not hurt himself further.
“All my bottom pajamas are on the laundry room,” Kihyun said, watching Shownu as he has trouble finding what he wants.
“No worries. I have plenty of sweatpants that’ll fit you.”
In no time Kihyun was in a fresh pair of sweatpants and tucked in with his head placed on top of two fluff pillows. Shownu was changed as well and was currently in a tank top. Kihyun had never seen it before on him and wanted to mention it but now that they were next to each other, he was wordless.
What could he say that wouldn’t end up like he was apologizing, which is what he wanted to do. He had so many questions to ask and not asking was ruining the chance of wanting to get closer to Shownu. He already is closer to Shownu, getting some of his true personality and quirks that he’s sure no one has had the privilege of getting closer to seeing it.
His heart was in a tulmut, wanting to ask and to apologize at the same time. It was hard finding out who is the person your living with. He doesn’t even know where they’re standing. Kihyun sees Shownu as a partner but not the title of a boyfriend or husband. Maybe they were just parents together. Either way he’s torn between wanting to know who he is and at the same time not really getting the full version of him.
Next to him, Shownu was quiet. His hands were on his knees, deep in thought. With his mind occupied, Kihyun used this opportunity to steal a glance of his face. It was rare to see him quiet and softer. His face was calm and every inch of his skin was not forced or tighen. It was a sight of tenderness.
“Do you have another child?” This question resurfaced on his brain. It was on the back of his mouth, threathing to come out. With opening of his lips this burning question would be out. Whether his question would be answer or not, his secret would be out and he wouldn’t feel guilty for not trusting Shownu.
With evidence it’s hard to trust someone. Valid answers seal trust. Keeping secrets keeps the seal broken. And how he wants their seal so tighten that something , like secrets can rip it again.
“Kihyun?”
He hadn’t realized he was staring at Shownu so intensely. His cheeks turned red at being caught staring at him. He looks down on his belly and wraps his arms around his belly so he doesn’t have to look at Shownu.
“What is it?”
“Do you trust me?”
This question urged him to look at Shownu again, this time with confusion. “What makes you think I don’t trust you?”
“You’re hurt because I wasn’t there for you. Something in you didn’t want to ask me for help and I don’t want you feel like you can’t ask me for help. I need you to trust me when you’re in danger. Ask me, yell for me. I care for you.”
“I don’t want to worry you. I don’t want to seem as if I’m someone you need to take care of.”
“And that’s bad? What if I want to take care of you.” Shownu looked at him with an intensity that caused Kihyun to blush once again. He was intently looking at him, there was no one else in Shownu’s eyes, only the reflection of Kihyun.
“After my dad left me behind, my parents fought constantly. Their fights were their main problem in their lives. It was the thing to preoccupy their minds. I wasn’t on their minds. I hadn’t been anyone’s worries in a long time,” Kihyun confessed. The words he spew were forced out of his mouth yet they seemed as if he wanted them to come out. Saying this out loud relieved some of the pain his chest has had recently.
“Parents aren’t always as selfless as people make them out to be. Some parents weren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe it’s a good thing they’re not here with you. They caused you so much heartache. Hearing you talking about how careless they were on you assures me that I don’t want to be like them, or like my parents.”
“They were as bad as mine?”
Kihyun can’t picture his parents as his. There is probably some similarity between them concerning their parents. It shows by the way Shownu holds sadness, how his eyes don’t gleam as others in the office. He never smiles in the office. But to have parents like the ones Kihyun has would be like the world has fucked up more childhoods like his and he doesn’t want to have a bad view of the world.
“Let’s just say that they were never parents of the year. Well, my dad wasn’t. He’s someone you don’t ever want to cross paths with.”
“Mr. Son…”
“My father will never meet you or our children.” The harshness of Shownu’s voice surprised Kihyun, seeing a side that he never seen before. Shownu had his face facing the wall, his frowned deepend.
“Isn’t he going to ask about his grandchildren soon? I don’t want him to do anything to you that can…”
“Listen to me, Kihyun. If you ever let him in to this house or you go see him, he will no be kind,” Shownu said, turning to face Kihyun, his hands gripping his hips,” You cannot meet him, please.”
The grip of Shownu’s hands were cutting the circulation on his hips. He wasn’t really hurting him but his hold was firm and serious. His eyes were bloodshot and his body was shaking in fear. That fear reached his belly, his children moving inside him as if they were troubled too.
“I promise I won’t meet him. The safety of our children comes first,” Kihyun mutters, his heart already aching at the trouble sight of Shownu. What happened in his childhood? Shownu wants Kihyun to trust him but does he trust Kihyun and the people around him to let him inside his pain? What a trouble causation he’s doing to him.
“Shownu, do you think you can let go of me?” His grip was unbearable now.
“Sorry.” Shownu let go and Kihyun rubbed his hips. The release from his hands brought a different pain. This pain didn’t last and he instead focused on his throbbing heart.
“It’s okay. I’m glad my hips were of help. They’re always here if you need them,” Kihyun joked, already feeling the tiredness of sleep. What time was it?
Shownu snorted. “You have great hips. Next time I’ll be super gentle. In fact, I will, instead make you melt.”
“What does that mean?” Kihyun frowned. Hopefully it’s not what he’s thinking. If he’s going to do something sexy for Kihyun then he’s going to be disappointed. This whole scenario tired him.
“Wait and see.” Shownu half smiled as he jogs to the closet and a few seconds later comes back with large size present. “Open it.”
Kihyun took the bag and placed it between his opened legs. He looked at Shownu with curiosity and with confusion. It wasn’t a special day or anything. With a giddy Shownu waiting for his reaction, Kihyun stick his hand to grab what’s inside. His hand touched soft material making him even more confused.
“What is it?” Kihyun took the soft material out only to make a cooing sound. “You bought our children Hawaiian shirts?”
“I told you I was going to make you melt.”
“What if we end up with all girls?”
“Hawaiin shirts are unisex. In fact, all fashion is unisex. If we do end up having all girls, we will have the prettiest girls in Hawaiian shirts.”
“We would,” Kihyun agreed, beaming, as he places all three shirts in the bed, taking a picture of the Hawaiin to send to his friends.
Maybe he was already inside the exploration of Shownu’s past. And soon he will know about his secret too.
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