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I was lost to what the hell was going on, I don’t know if I should worry about getting myself caught or Matt getting in more danger than I first thought he was. How the hell did they find me? Were they that close in tailing us in Chicago? What the hell does Alec Roman want with Matt?
I didn’t know the answer to those questions but what I did know is that it was scaring Matt. It was angering me seeing him become so small and wounded; the way he helplessly looked at me with those blue eyes that stunningly glistened under the sliver radiance of the moon. I’m stupid, I know I am but I couldn’t help it.
He’s paranoid to the point he refused to sleep, his hand clutching tightly onto my larger one as if he was afraid I’d suddenly disappear on him. It didn’t make it any easier hearing Matt tell me he didn’t want to go back home. Hearing him tell me he likes me, that he wants to stay with me makes me feel like a shitty bastard. He has a family, he has a life and I’m not going to take that away from him.
It’s true I wanted him to have a little fun with me because I’m crazy and creative but it doesn’t mean I want him to live all his life in danger having to move from one place to another. He wouldn’t be able to settle down, make friends, or do normal things without worrying about getting a bullet in his skull.
“Neil,” He spoke softly, fingers squeezing my hand while the other gripped the stirring wheel having to grit my jaws in order to beat down the anger seething in me. “What if they find us again?”
I hate seeing Matt like this, I prefer him shooting his mouth off, insulting me, and stubbornly doing whatever he wants. All the feistiness was reduced to a frightful animal with no sense of instinct other than hiding. “I’m not going to lie. They’ll find us eventually and we’ll die, so I won’t hold it against you if you blame me.”
“I stopped blaming you a long time ago. Playing the blame game isn’t going to solve anything.” He retorted and for once he was being mature about things. I glanced over at the black haired pretty boy, his eyes casted down. “Eventually you will again, I have that affect on people,” I paused deciding whether or not it was a good moment to bring up that conversation. “Matt, do you remember what you told me?”
Honey brown eyes observed his reaction for a split second before focusing on the dark road illuminated by the bright lights of my car. “N-No.” He stutters, stiffening in his seat which clearly meant he does remember. An amused smirk etched on my lips, “No need to be so embarrassed pretty boy. I knew you had a thing for me—I’m irresistible.” I joked, soothing out the tension choking us in silence.
“You’re such a narcissist,” Matt says in exasperation, “I was drunk. I….I—uh-“
“Nice try,” I interrupted before he was able to say the words that would most likely either hurt me or numb me. “I know you like me, you said it, and you kissed me. You also said you didn’t want to go home—mind explaining that to me?”
I was met with silence, his fingers squeezing me so tightly, I could hear his breathing grow shallow then deepen before he withdrew a small air of serenity. “I meant it. I don’t want to leave you alone, I don’t want to be away from you. If I go back home it’s going to be the same thing all over again, they’re going to pretend, they’re going to lie to me, and then I have to do what they’re doing in order to make my sister happy. I have to pretend like I don’t notice anything, like I believe every bullshit they keep giving me.”
I shook my head, “You don’t have to put up with their shit to begin with. Pretending like everything is fine will only hurt those you care about than make them feel better. You can be yourself, you can show them that you don’t like what they’re doing, that you want the truth not lies they expect you to accept without question. At some point they will realise that what they’re doing is hurting you.”
He snaps his head at me yanking at my hand when he leaned forward, “You want me to leave don’t you. That’s why you’re saying all of this, you can’t expect me to just leave you, forget you, and pretend this never happened.”
“I don’t want you to,” I admitted pulling the car to the side out of the double lane shifting the gear shift into parking. I faced him solemnly, “I want you to remember every second and every day we’ve spent together. I want you to remember how you can be strong in any situation, how you can still do things right even if you’re the biggest asshole the world has ever had, or how much of a troublemaker you are because you can’t follow the simplest rules given to you.”
He glares at the last part only making me chuckle, “If all you do is forget you won’t learn anything. You can learn by someone or by being the one experiencing it. I’m selfish Matt, I don’t want to give you back where you’ll be hurting every day. I want to keep you here but if I did that it wouldn’t be right, you have parents you love you, siblings who care about you, and people who are expecting you home. I can’t rip you away from a life you have the chance to have. I have nothing but this dangerous job and an old geeky man who can’t shut the fuck up about superstition.”
I paused gazing at those blue eyes, drawing me into a beautiful world I could only want for both of us. God I’m such a fucking idiot. I fell right into a death trap the moment I took him, “Do you want that? To be running from dangerous people, getting hurt, having to be careful who you make friends with that won’t try to kill you, or not having a normal life?” My thumb caressed the back of his hand, bringing it up to meet my lips that left a gente kiss over his smooth knuckles.
His eyes flickered with emotions, lips pulled apart as he tried to form any word that came into mind but he closes it. Saying nothing. I closed my eyes, forehead on his knuckles as I breathed in through my nostrils, “See? You aren’t thinking this through. I know you like me and believe me, I like you too, I like you a lot more than I should have but I do anyways. I like you so much I’m willing to give you back to your family, someone who means something in your life and not me, a total stranger you’ve only met in like what? Nearly two weeks?”
“I don’t care,” His voice cracked capturing my attention instantaneously; his eyes shimmering from the building tears, lips quivered and he bit down on it to keep it from moving too much. He breathed in a shaky breath as a tremble raked through his body, “If you like me as much as you say you do, then keep me. Don’t return me, keep me here with you and you can protect me like you’re doing now.” Tone desperate, stinging my heart in the agonising way possible. I didn’t understand his desperation to stay with me but then I do understand.
“Matt,” I sighed leaning closer and placed the palm of my hand against his cheek, continuing to hold onto his hand. “I can’t do it. You’ll hate me one day for taking away what you could have had without me. I can’t even try to have a normal life, once open the door to this kind of world there is no exit. There’s no escape, no retirement, and the only way out is dying. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to be sad, scared, or in pain, I want you happy and smiling.”
Tears glinted from the radiance outstretching from outside of my car dimly lighting up the inside. They trails paths down his cheeks to his chin, a sob dropping his mouth gazing at me with the most pain look I never wanted to see on his face. My thumb wiped away the tears from either cheek, pulling our joined hands to my chest, “Neil, that’s not fair. I do-“
“No,” I shook my head refusing in a soft tone, “I’m telling you, Matt. You’ll regret this, you don’t want this in your life at least not any more than it has to be. We both have feelings for each other but it stops there, we can’t go any further than that or it’ll be harder for both of us.”
The pain glowed into anger, tearing himself from me with a dark glare, “You’re a fucking hypocrite. If that’s all it was going to be—just feelings—then you shouldn’t have kissed me. You shouldn’t have given me hope and that makes you a fucking liar like the rest of them.”
I raked a hand down my face in exasperation, “All you do is talk about me but what about you? You said you hate me and it turns out you like me, you kissed me, Matt. What did you want me to do?”
“I wanted you to hold me, to kiss me, and tell me you feel the same. I want you to not lie to me, I need you to be there for me so I can be handle this shit. I fucking killed people for you because you were hurt, I’m wearing a fucking collar because you want to feel relieved I’m fine. What else do I want? I want you to stop being such a fucking insensitive prick and act on your feelings.” He breathed heavily, shaking hands fisted on his lap with blazing blue eyes that shot me to the core.
I gritted my jaw again, he didn’t understand anything. He didn’t want to understand from my point of view and it’s infuriating that his stubbornness—ever at time like this—he refuses to accept things as they are. He’s going to end up and that’s the last thing I want, I don’t want my heartbroken because I was being a fucking idiot.
If I act on my feelings what would happen if I couldn’t protect Matt? One of us would die. I can’t just keep him with me, run around the entire United States until I solve this problem and then expect to have a normal life with him. People will come for my services, people will know or already know who I really am. I can’t put Matt through all of this.
At first it was for the fun because my jobs have been pretty boring lately. I thought ‘why not enjoy it with someone for once?’ and because of my stupid ass I ended up having feelings for the pretty troublemaker. Now all I want to do is keep him away from all of this. The silence was suffocating, I couldn’t say shit because at the end he won’t listen, he’ll do whatever he wants, and then get us killed.
Fuck, why couldn’t he understand the way I’m feeing right now?
He thinks it doesn’t hurt to see him like this—afraid, in pain, and constantly having to hide. When I thought I gathered all the words I wanted to say I didn’t have the chance to say it when my phone started to ring. I took it out of my pocket disregarding Matt’s curious haze and answered the damn thing. “What?” I said in thick agitation.
“Neil, thank god you’re alive,” Frank spoke in relief causing me to frown. “I just arrived at your safe house in Chicago, I thought they got a hold of you or that kid.”
“No, we’re fine. We got out of there like three hours ago,” I responded, “Why? What’s wrong?”
“I found out how they’re tracking you down. They aren’t using you, we both know I could easily make you disappear but it’s the kid. I don’t know how they’re doing it but they’re using the kid to track you down and they keep getting pass my hacks.”
My honey brown orbs adverted to Matt who was staring at me with bloodshot eyes from crying, his nose twitching when he sniffled. “Why?” I asked the one question I knew fully well wouldn’t be answered no matter how many times I asked. “I don’t know. Just keep him away from any cameras or check if he has anything. It’s like the damn kid has come kind of GPS on him.”
Something clicked from the back of my head; his belongings. I threw away his phone but I kept his wallet because he’d need it back when he returns home. “Matt, who bought you your wallet?” He furrows his eyebrows, appearing upset from our earlier conversation but seeing I wasn’t in the mood for shit at the moment he was much more compliant. “My mom, why?”
“Check his wallet.” Frank demanded.
I opened the door of the driver’s seat, the lights flickered on automatically giving me enough visibility as I tapped the speaker button and reached to the side of my seat to push it forward. I slipped onto the back seat unzipping the duffel bag I carry around with me. After making a mess inside I found it, “Where would a person typically put the tracker in a wallet?”
I opened his black leather wallet with his custom made initials which would be really expensive if I hadn’t known about it. “Like inside, inside of the wallet so it wouldn’t be found. It’s a bit small but shouldn’t be too hard to find.” Putting the phone down I started taking out the contents of his wallet out. Mostly cards, license, money, and some kind of gaming points which I didn’t bother asking.
It wasn’t until I was tearing into the pockets to give me a better visual of the inner wallet did Matt start talking. “Hei! What the fuck, Neil?! My mom gave it to me!” He tried reaching for the damn thing and I should pushed off his hand tearing it apart until it simply came off on its own and a miniature GPS tracker—silver plated—dropped onto my leg. He froze in place staring, “I think I found it. What kind of mom would put a tracking device on her son?” I questioned tossing the torn up leather wallet with all the stuff I took out of it and picked up the little thing.
“The type who either has something to hide or is an overprotective maniac.” Frank answered bluntly.
Thanks, that helps.
“No, she wouldn’t…there’s no way my mom would…she wouldn’t…” Matt trails off, stunned silent. I gazed at him apologetically, I couldn’t convince him of something I wasn’t sure I knew myself; why would she do it? How dangerous was this secret that she had to put a tracking device on her own son? It’s as if she expected a kidnapping to happen to Matt.
This is becoming more and more enigmatic. There’s something I’m not seeing but the only thing I do know is that Matt is somehow in the center of all this. “Neil, think about this. You were ratted out by your client, failed to kill the head honcho, kidnapped a kid, and the Mafia has been able to keep up with you every step of the way. If Matt’s mom was the one who put the tracker on him, why is the Mafia using the tracker to track him? They know I’m helping you, Neil.”
I breathed out knowing the answer to those questions, Matt stares into my eyes; they were asking for a lot of things. Things I couldn’t give him even if I wanted to. “Matt’s mom has a connection with him. Somehow they know each other and they’re helping each other.” It was the only thing that made sense. It crushed Matt—I could see how terrible he was feeling knowing the mother he had known was somehow connected to a Mafia leader.
He sat back onto the passenger seat, staring ahead in silence; I felt awful for saying it but it was better than telling him lies. She appeared on television for people to keep an eye out on Matt, she had Alec Roman use his resources to track us down. He’s been toying with us, he’s been making me run all over the place until I have no where to go and he gets a nice kick out of it.
He knew where Matt was all along, he was only taking his time in getting his hands on both of us. It made me sick to my stomach, “Seems like it. You should destroy that thing and wherever you were heading now, go somewhere else.”
I thanked Frank hanging up the call; I got out of my metallic silver car and dropped the GPS on the ground before stomping on the device hearing a small click of it breaking. I adjusted the seat and then resumed to driving; it was too risky to return to the same direction where I came from. I might even bump into one of them.
I proceeded with the route until I decides to continue through the rest of Indiana before driving through an exit to Ohio before I reached West Virginia. My brain seem blown away knowing that this entire time the bastard knew where we were. It was my fault though, I should’ve checked through the wallet but it isn’t like anyone bothers with a wallet nowadays. “You were right back then. I’m going to get us killed.” Matt mumbles.
I couldn’t exactly say otherwise considering I was right and at this very second it really does seem like it’s Matt’s fault we’re going to die or I’m going to be the one to die—most likely. “Yeah, you are but it was also my fault because I didn’t think your mom was crazy enough to put a tracker on you.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine. I’m not mad or anything, I know you didn’t know because you were terrified when they found us again.” I admitted, peeking over at the pretty boy who rested his head against the cool window with the side of his cheek sucked in as if he was bitting it. “Where are we going?” His eerily low tone held a tinge of curiosity.
The conversation we had earlier was somehow forgotten or maybe Matt didn’t want to bring it up again. Because when I really think of it, I’m like them. I’m making a decision that is hurting him in order to protect him. He doesn’t want to be protected, he doesn’t want to be hurt because of lies. He wants to be told the truth and then comforted to cope with it, “Ohio,” I answered honestly.
“Have you ever been there?” I inquired; from my peripheral vision he shook his head and I mustered a smile, “You’re going to love it there. I have a house in Cincinnati, it’s pretty private and secluded so no one really goes anywhere near it. We could go hunting if you’d like?”
“Hunting?” He sounded baffled, “I’m not going to kill poor little animals you jerk. How many places do you own anyways?”
“About six but I lost the loft I had in Michigan and the cottage in Chicago.” He made a small sound as if I had punched his guts; his back slouches onto the car seat, “Oops?”
I snorted, “Oops? He says. I would be eternally grateful if you don’t ruin this one too, I love that place.”
“I’ll try.”
“Very reassuring, Matt.”
Despite how much I wanted to bring up the conversation again or how to even start it—I couldn’t. It was better I left it as it is, at least until I can figure out what kind of relationship Matt’s mother and Alec Roman have. For once I felt like I had an advantage and somehow I felt a bad premonition clawing at my stomach like before.
Matt is a distraction, it is true and I can’t let him go no matter how hard I try. It’s bad to get distracted when I have a job to finish. “My feet are starting to hurt.” His voice lacing in small agony quickly drawing me out of my concentration and started looking through the pill bottle in my pocket as I drove.
Yeah, definitely a distraction.
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