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I have no idea what to believe anymore.
I couldn’t say a single word throughout the entire car ride only thinking about the tracking device in my wallet that Neil kept. I can’t believe that all this time we were being tracked and yet what I don’t understand is why they haven’t caught us yet when they had the chance. I would have asked Neil but after our argument I don’t think it would be a good idea.
I know he’s doing this to protect me and all but my mother….would she really? And what kind of connection does she have with the Mafia guy anyways? Is that the reason why he wants me brought to him? My mother asked him too? Does this mean she’s part of them somehow?
There’s so many questions, so many things I want to know like if my father knew too? If my brother found out and that’s why he left? I don’t know. Too many things were happening at the moment that it was difficult to wrap my head around it. The deadly silence didn’t help either, there’s so many things I wanted to say that was at the tip of my tongue but I felt if I said anything it’d be worse.
I wanted to talk about what he said. About it being just feelings between us—truthfully it hurts because I know it’s true. This isn’t something I would have wanted in my life but I don’t care and I know I’m being stupid—I can’t help it. God I’m so stupid, I just had to go ahead and fall in love like one of those cliché movies when the girl is suddenly dragged into shit and she falls in love with the guy protecting her.
Sweet, I couldn’t be any gayer than this. Yet knowing how stupid it is when I shouldn’t have gotten drunk and confessed, I still can’t let this go. I mean does it really matter? My parents used to tell me how they first met and how they instantly knew they were meant for each other so why not the same with me? I admit I was scared shitless of Neil—I still am when he’s angry but he’s been really gentle and kind.
Except it would have been so much better if he wasn’t such an insensitive prick. It didn’t matter anyways because now I knew I didn’t want to go home. I was afraid what I would find out. I was afraid that if I went home everything would crumble down. Everything would just fall apart after trying so hard to keep it together for the sake of my sister.
I’m a weak guy and pathetic even though I make myself look mature and strong. I was the one being inconsiderate towards Neil, I didn’t want to understand why he didn’t want me to stay by his side but I knew why. Then I felt even more stupid and depressed, I can’t change what I said nor how I feel. This is what I get for thinking for one damn moment there could be something.
It seemed like an hour or more when we came to a full stop into a driveway, by then it was still pretty dark with a barely noticeable sliver of orange-pink cracking from the horizon of the sky. Neil didn’t let me get out of the car still worried about my feet so I stayed in place waiting for him to take the bag flinging it over his shoulder then closed the door. He walked around the car opening the door for me, I would have gotten out myself if he didn’t carry me out closing the passenger door.
I flushed feeling like a damn princess being carried to her castle. I wanted to hit Neil but it would be pretty stupid when my feet are starting to throb so I swallowed what was left of manly pride and let him take me inside. It was so dark I couldn’t see the house itself, I can tell it was big—I think.
I brought down to my feet nearly hissing under my breath at the pin and needles of agony at the soles of my face. His honey brown eyes flickered to me in sympathy but I ignored it waiting for him to unlock the door. He does opening a glass door only to meet another one and he unlocks it with one of his keys. How many keys does this guy have anyways?
He pushes the door open flicking a switch to his right and the lights above the door came on. “I’ll take you to bed.” He says pulling the strap over his head dropping it beside the door. “Okay.” I murmured allowing him to pick me off the ground again and he closes the door with his foot. On either side of us there was an open entrance but I was only able to make up some furnitures to my right—maybe the living room? My assumptions were confirmed when he turned towards that direction flickering the lights on.
Blue eyes observed the baby blue painted walls, wooden floors covered by a large gray carpet in from of a fireplace made of marble with a gray frame. On top of the carpet was a gray sectional sofa with a gray ottoman in front of the fireplace. The thing that fascinated me was the light emitting from the crevice of the fireplace frame dimly lighting half of the living room.
There were small decorations such as side tables, vases, and lamps but no television. He then turns around facing the other opening entrance which I soon realise wasn’t an open entrance—the door was left wide open. Turning on the light he walks me to a full sized bed pushed to a corner of the room facing a closet. I took in my surroundings, the wooden floors similar to the one in the living room, a mirror nearly facing the entrance of the door and a window beside the door.
I was sort of embarrassed when he settled me down on the mattress and held back a small yawn that threatened to leave my mouth when my head rested on a fluffy pillow. He sits on the edge of the bed as I shifted to give him more space, his hand went over my hair petting it affectionately. I closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of his large hand across my black hair, “Rest up, okay? We’ll talk in the morning.”
That’s what he said.
Except we didn’t talk in the morning like I thought we would; instead it was normal. He prepared breakfast since he was up first than me, showed me around the house which was pretty cool. The bathrooms made of marble, there was one with a tub, another with a jacuzzi, and another with a walk-in shower as well as a walk-in closet.
Afterwards it was just pretty normal. We argues over little things, laughed, joked, teased, and grew annoyed when Neil didn’t let me walk. It wasn’t until the fourth day when I could walk without my feet growing sore from the cuts or Neil hounding me about hurting myself. Somehow he had this crazy idea to teach me how to shoot a gun which I gave a flat ‘no’.
Guess what the asshole did? He threatened to electrocute me with the collar around my throat. My finger pulled the trigger, the kick of the gun had unfazed me after the up tenth time. When I stopped focusing on the rear sight I realised I hit it—again. “Matt, are you sure you haven’t shot a gun before?” Neil frowns at me.
I shrugged shaking my head because truthfully I think I haven’t but it doesn’t explains how I can shoot so accurately. As it I’ve been doing it for a while. I pushed the hammer like he had taught me the first time hitting the magazine release button near the trigger guard. The magazine falls onto my hand looking over the remaining bullets, “I’m….pretty sure? I don’t know. Are we done now? I don’t want to keep shooting a gun.” I gave him the best pleading look I could muster.
He stares with a long moment, “No,” I slumped at his response with a pout gazing back at the weapon on my hand. It was heavy but not too heavy, it’s kind of hard to tell if it has a magazine or not. Hell, I didn’t even know the magazine was empty when Neil gave it to me and I had the stupid idea of shooting so I can get him off me. Except it didn’t go exactly as planned.
“No more shooting trees. Try shooting the leaves.” I looked at him like he was crazy; there is no way I can shoot leaves. First of all that hurts nature, as if shooting the trees isn’t bad enough for me already. Second of all, I don’t have eyes of a fucking hawk to see something so small. Third of all, the wind moves the leaves, how can I shoot something that moves?
He rolls his eyes with a smile across his lips; he takes the magazine from my hand inserting a few more bullets. “Neil I don’t want to shoot anymore. Please.” I begged. His snorts, “Matt, you think I don’t see it? You like shooting a gun, you like pulling the trigger. Your hands doesn’t stop shaking until the gun is at the palm of your hands and you’re aiming to pull the trigger. That’s when your mind focuses, that’s when the tremors stop and you let go.” I flinched.
I swallowed thickly licking my lips as if it felt dry to me; I ignored Neil’s words. There’s no way I like shooting a damn gun and there’s no way I like to kill people. “After I shoot the leaves can I go back inside?” I changed the subject again. He passes me the magazine back with a soft sigh, “Yes, now shoot the goddamn gun, pretty boy.”
I couldn’t help flushing at his nickname for me as I fumbled with the magazine inserting it into the gun. My left hand cupping the butt of the gun, my right hand on the grip panel, forefinger on the trigger guard, and thumb pulling back the hammer. I breathed in softly, Neil’s presence was right beside me; drawing slightly closer until I could feel the heat of his body on mines.
I rose my hands towards the leaves of the tree; the bright rays of the sun bathed my skin. It tingled me with warmth as the gentle wind brushing against the locks of hair tickling my ears and forehead. My mind was completely concentrated, tuning in to my surroundings, taking in the fresh musky air of the trees and soils mixed together. It wasn’t as heavy as it was before, growing up in the city made my lungs feel heavy at the purity of the suburban areas.
I bit my lower lip unintentionally, muslces relaxed at I gazed through the front sight towards a small leaf flickering along the wind. I waited and waited, I wasn’t sure for what except I did. Slowly as the wind calmed enough to be little kisses onto my warm skin, my forefinger left the trigger guard and rested on the trigger. I waited again, watching the moving leaf intently.
It went still and without so much of hesitation or uncertainty I pulled the trigger. It resounded throughout the quiet, private uphill when the bullet left the muzzle with a sharp snap. My ears barely acknowledged it nor did I flinch when my hands felt the kick of the handgun yet I didn’t jump. “That was fast.” Neil says taking me by complete surprise.
I snapped my head towards him realising how close he was, “What?” I questioned stupidly due to his mouth near my ear. “I said that was fast. It took you less than a minute to shoot the leaf.”
I was confused, it felt like a long time before I decided to pull the trigger. How was that less than a minute? “Now you can go back inside.” Neil teases taking the gun from my hands which I nearly told him off for but stopped myself. This is what I wanted. I huffed, “I’m making lunch and if you take too long I’m eating yours too.” I turned around heading towards the back door of the house.
My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his rich, bold laughter echoing in my ears. “You’ll get in trouble if you do!” He yells after me and it scurried myself swiftly toward the door. I disappeared with a small smile across my lips which quickly left when I saw the tremors of my hands.
I stared at them pressing my lips together until my head began to hurt; I blinked slightly and grip my hands into fists walking towards the open entrance to the kitchen. My hands felt different, my instincts wanted to hold onto the gun and never let it go. I want to become one with my surroundings and patiently hunt for my prey then capture it with a single bullet as a claim of what is mine. I shook my head the headache dully making its presence known and forced myself to start lunch.
My mind drifted to Neil again; we didn’t talk about the argument that happened in the car four days ago. Although the conversation of my mother putting a tracking device on me did come up. There wasn’t much to say either and even if I tried to say anything about our argument or about my mother it wouldn’t change anything.
Neil clearly feels the same way I do but he’s a prick. He thinks he knows what’s best for me and honestly I’m smart enough to know he’s right. There was a lot for me to think about and it’s all muddled up with this. I don’t know what’s going on anymore except I do know that I might be the one to get Neil killed.
All because my mother is working with a Mafia Boss who wants Neil dead. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Because when I think of my mother I start to miss her and at the same time I’m afraid. I don’t know how this will end, I don’t know what I will face when I go back home. Going back home to leave Neil to die. My heart clenched at the thought, I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want him to keep risking his life because my mother had a Mafia bastard track us all along.
Neil thinks so too. He thinks I’ll get him killed but at the same time he keeps saying he’ll protect me. What if he fails? That’s what I fear the most. He fails and he dies. He fails and I’m left to live without him. The Hitman who likes shooting guns, throwing himself in the line of danger, messing around, watch The Blacklist, and cooking breakfast or dinner. The Hitman who’s an insensitive prick but is kind and passionate of protecting me.
I sighed putting down the plates in front of a two seat table placed in front of a window and near a door leading to another room near the back door. I sat down being the first to dig in, there was no way I was going to wait for his slow ass to get here for me to eat. Before I managed to take the first bite I jumped at the sound of several bullets being shot at once.
I should be used to it considering Neil always practicing but isn’t that. It was the sound of someone screaming in pain that froze me in place. My heart jumps at my throat, darting off the chair towards the door then another door soon after. I expected to see men with guns or Neil on the ground bleeding to death but it wasn’t.
It was just him standing in the middle of the backyard and started laughing his ass off the moment he saw the petrified look on my face. I stalked towards him his laughter growing louder until he noticed I wasn’t laughing with him. I looked him over my hands moving him around like I will find something on him, “Matt, I’m fine! It was only a joke!” He flashes a toothy grin.
I stopped, blankly gazing at him. So he finds it funny? He thinks it’s funny to scare me to death like that? Instead of crying my fist collided with his jaw, I shook my hand when a dull ache in my knuckles had me cursing under my breath. That hurts. “You fucking jerk, that wasn’t funny! Do you see me laughing?” I snapped with an angry scowl.
I can’t believe I was scared to death, I can’t believe he’d scare me like that knowing how I feel about all of this. The fear does nothing to sooth the anxiety of losing him one day. “I’m sorry, it was only a joke!” I ignored him stomping my way to the back door.
I left him there out of pure anger, I don’t even know why the hell I made him lunch. I’ll eat it and have him make himself whatever shit he can find, or better I’ll put hot sauce on it and force him to eat it. I walked into the kitchen about to do just that when another shot rippled through the air fuelling my anger. It soon vanished and was replaced with a cold trepidation, “Matt! Hide!” I heard Neil exclaim.
I stayed frozen in place like a dumbass because I didn’t know what I should do but then something came across my mind. Something I never thought of doing in my life and so I darted out of the kitchen towards the stairs leading to the second floor. I avoided the broad windows as one shattered when a bullet flew in hitting a mirror on the other wall. I kept going until I reached his bedroom where he kept all of his weapons.
I opened the door to the walk-in closet turning on the light; I spotted a rifle taking within my hold as I grabbed the rifle ammo. Scurrying myself to the windows facing the backyard I pulled back the bolt to check the chamber—it was full and opened the window. I positioned the rifle onto the window sill calmly wrapping my finger over the trigger with stock pressed onto my right shoulder.
Eyeing the front sight I pointed down; Neil hiding behind the tree I was shooting thirty minutes ago. I spotted the first man and with all the time, serenity within in my body I pulled the trigger. My mind pushed all reasons out of my head, I didn’t have the time to think of what I was doing or if it was right or wrong. I only thought about the instinct to protect, the instinct to survive.
I barely paid him any mind when he crumbled to the ground and I went for the next one as Neil shot one down. The kick of the rifle numbed my shoulder as I fired one after another. I didn’t know how many were there and I didn’t care, all I focused were on the fact that there was someone at the end of this gun and I must pull the trigger.
There was one more guy hiding pretty good behind a tree, just when I had an opening I was patiently waiting on and pulled the trigger—the chamber was empty. I cursed, eyes wide to see Neil tossing an empty magazine to the ground pressing himself against the thick wood. He ran out of bullets.
Suddenly I was nervous. I was anxious. The guy seemed to notice and came out firing his gun towards Neil. I hurriedly opened the box of ammo fumbling and cursing when I pulled the bolt and entered two of them. I was taking too much time, I could see him getting closer and closer to Neil. I shut the bolt getting back into focus except my heart was thrashing against my chest too hard to focus.
I pulled the trigger. I missed.
He jumps away from where the bullet missed him and rose his gun aiming it at me. “Fuck!” I ducked when a bullet flew pass the window hitting a vase that shattered to the floor behind me. The rifle falls from grasp and out the window; I curse myself again for being so stupid and hurried to the closet again. The first thing I saw was what looks to be a rifle with a long muzzle and something on the sight.
I don’t remember what it was called so I just took it and went back to the window; it was heavier than the rifle but I managed. Resting it onto the window sill with the butt plate onto my shoulder; I was surprised by the augmentation of the sight and used it to my advantage. I made sure safety was off like I was taught and held onto the fore end.
A bullet resounded through the air, a shout of agony tore out of Neil’s throat as he clutch his thigh and fell to the ground. The man was grinning to himself saying something I couldn’t hear but whatever it was had Neil pale in seconds. I breathed in, setting the little dot onto the man’s head and before he had the opportunity to shoot Neil first I pulled the trigger.
I was shocked. His head exploded open, the brain matter exposed for the world to see as he dropped staining the little grass with its contents. I suddenly felt nauseous; I stepped back putting down the heavy weapon and turned to the side opening my mouth. I puked the nonexistent lunch from my stomach trying to erase the image from my mind.
His head exploded. I shuddered at my own thoughts; once I was finished I wiped my mouth and forced myself to walk to the back yard.
I was in a daze of what I had done. What is happening to me? What happened to not taking someone’s life? I just killed people like it was nothing. I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I couldn’t feel remorse because I understood the situation we were in now. It was either kill or be killed, you either be the one to shoot the gun or the one standing at the end of the gun.
I wanted to live, I wanted Neil to be alive and that’s human instinct when they’re faced in front of danger. My steps were rapid, jogging out of the house towards Neil who was sitting on the ground holding the wound on his thigh. “Neil!” My voice was sharp from worry.
His head snaps to me appearing relieved yet at the same time tensed, “Matt, you’re okay,” He says; I got on my knees beside him moving his bloody soaked hands from the bullet wound. I held the urge to cry, my throat clenching from the knot forming its way up. “When did you learn how to shoot a rifle?”
I frowned in bemusement, “I was….taught?” It came out as a question. Come to think of it, Neil never taught me how to use a rifle, it was only the handgun and yet I knew exactly what to do. Like I’ve done it a hundred times. Like I knew exactly what to do at what moment. “I don’t know. Let’s get you inside and get the bullet out of your leg.” I shook my head, forcing myself not to look at the bodies surrounding the backyard like a grave.
He stares at me for a long moment responding with a small, “Okay.” Placing an arm around my shoulders I helped walk through the backyard towards the door.
How did they find us? And how did I know how to use that rifle? I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore.
I’m changing.
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