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I tend to think of myself as a strong person. The only person who was ever able to make me cry was Tyler and my dog Mario. And that was only in death. I’m not sure if strength is measured by how easily one cries though, but if it is, then I am pretty damn strong.
Well, until I met Nick.
He is the one person or animal who has not died that has the ability to make me curl up in my bed and just cry. It’s honestly unnerving. Well, I guess the idea that Tyler was involved also partakes in that reaction, but still. Usually, I would feel myself cry over Tyler and only Tyler. But no, I was crying over Nick as well.
Three days. Three days of only leaving my room to brush my teeth, shower, and eat only when the hunger was obliterating. Three days of just laying in bed, weeping and wishing that I could reverse everything that happened in that graveyard. Three days with no sign of Tyler and no contact from Nick. It was absolutely horrible; almost as bad as the week when I found out my twin brother died. But no, nothing could ever be as devastating as that. I think the fact that now I am completely sure of the fact that my brother is continuing on to live in another life somewhat eases my pain a bit because before, that was only a part of faith. It was never fully certain.
Yet even then, I’ve hurt him. And now I am not certain if Tyler will ever come back to forgive me; ever come back to try to move on. I’ve also hurt Nick. I just wanted to help my brother move on. Why did it end up like this? I couldn’t help a little part of myself that blamed Nick for kissing me, but that thought was immediately eradicated when I thought of the fact that I actually responded. Things wouldn’t have ended up like this if I just controlled myself; if I didn’t hold a torch for my brother’s first love.
I bit my lip, tremulous whimpers muffled as I attempted to control myself, clutching my sheets weakly. My head hurt and body ached; I just wanted it to end. But I couldn’t stop the pain or the loathsome thoughts swirling in my head. What happened to my so called strength? It must have all disintegrated when my brother died. Ah, I guess I really wasn’t strong in the first place; rather, Tyler was my center of support. And now that he died, I was swirling out of control. I’ve never thought of it that way before.
The door to my room creaked open and I buried my face into the pillow, not wanting anyone to see me in such a pathetic state. The edge of my bed dipped as someone sat. Shutting my eyes tightly, I waited for either my mom or my dad to speak. But I assumed it was my father. Mom still hasn’t interacted with anyone, despite the fact it has been nearly three weeks after Tyler died. She still walks the house like a spectre; her body seemed completely devoid of her soul. But I didn’t have the capacity to feel sad about that.
“Hey, kiddo,” my dad greeted. I flicked my eyes toward him, seeing a gentle yet exhausted expression on his face. He smiled at me, arms stiff by his side, quivering imperceptibly as though he were about to burst. I grimaced as I thought about what my father was going through. He’s lost a son, basically lost a wife, and is left with an emotionally distraught second son. I had the sudden desire to stop crying just to lessen the burden and was almost successful in doing so.
“How are you?” he asked, squirming slightly. I shrugged, not trusting my voice. He was silent for a moment. “What happened? You were doing so well a few days ago.” Once again, I shrugged. Sighing, he ran a hand over his face, a small frown tugging at the corners of his lips. I guess it was too much effort to keep up the facade for him, that sad smile that everyone had expected from him. Placing his elbows on his knees, he folded his hands together, resting his chin on the intertwined fingers with great tiredness. “Andy, I miss Tyler too.”
I nodded my head, closing my eyes as I breathed in deeply. There were so many contradicting emotions assaulting me. I felt as though I should be attending to my father rather than selfishly cry over my own situations; yet I also wanted to place all my focus on helping Tyler. And then there was Nick. Though I wanted to stop caring about him altogether and place all that thought on my family, I just couldn’t help myself. He was infiltrating all my thoughts, especially after the kiss. No matter how much guilt I felt over everything, I still couldn’t erase the thrilling feel his mouth on mine. I’ve never felt anything so exhilarating before.
I opened my eyes again and gasped at what I saw. My brother was hugging my father around his shoulders, nuzzling his neck with his curled head. “I love you Daddy. I’m sure you know that,” he said, his voice taking on the childish quality it always did around our parents. “Mommy’ll come back soon, just you wait. Once I go on, she’ll be completely fine. She just needs to feel that I’m alright. You know, mommy always had that instinct.” And then I witnessed something that I had never witnessed before in my whole short life. My father was crying. Tears were trailing down his cheeks as he stared unseeingly at the wall.
“Daddy, it’s good you’re crying now. It’s healthy to cry once in a while. You don’t have to listen to me all the time when I say not to cry over me.” He hugged my father tighter, rubbing a hand on his back comfortingly. “You may not see me, but know I’m always there Daddy. Okay?” Almost as if in a trance, my dad nodded, standing up from his place on my bed. Tyler easily relinquished his grip, settling down on my sheets.
“A-Andrew,” my father murmured, his back still to me. “I’m going to go now, kiddo. Something just came up.” With that, he exited my room, closing the door behind him. I stared wide-eyed at where he left, still shocked. Did my father know Tyler was there?
“He’s finally healing,” Tyler whispered, laying beside me on the bed. My eyes travelled to his face, studying the angelic smile that stretched his lips.
“Y-you’re back?” I stuttered in disbelief, the sudden wave of relief causing fresh tears to brim over my eyes. He turned onto his side, gazing at me sadly, reaching out a hand to touch my cheek. I relished the feeling, a soft sob leaving my mouth. He shook his head and began to caress my mahogany curls, fully identical to his.
“I’m sorry for leaving for so long. I just needed to think for a bit,” he began, drawing a curl into his finger. “I’ve discovered a lot of things that I want to tell you. So don’t interrupt me, okay?” I nodded dumbly, waiting for anything he had to say, whether it be slander towards my character or something utterly unexpected.
“First of all, I’m not mad at you about Nick. At first I was shocked, of course, but I realized something as I flew away from you guys,” he stated, continuing to weave his fingers soothingly through my hair. “You looked so beautiful in his arms, Andrew. You were just glowing with happiness. I’ve never seen you like that before. It was then I thought that maybe, my feelings for Nick aren’t love. I knew that I could never look like that with him even I tried. You guys just looked perfect.” I continued to stare at him with silent confusion, knowing that a soft blush was now coloring my cheeks.
“Then I began to wonder: well, why am I here then? Why am I stuck here? The only regret I could think of was not confessing my so called love to Nick. For hours after that, the image of you kissing him kept flashing in my mind. At first, I was a bit annoyed because that seemed to be all I could think of. But then I realized that there was a reason for why I kept thinking of you and him. And…I think I’m here to support you, Andrew,” he explained, biting his lip as he attempted to formulate his thoughts into words. I waited, trying to keep my own mind blank in order to listen to him with the most attention I could muster.
“You know, throughout my life, you were the one thing that was always there for me. Through everything, finding out I was gay, a slut, all those things, you still saw me as your brother. You still saw me as Tyler. And you don’t know how happy that made me, knowing that you were going to be someone I could always fall back on if I made stupid mistakes. You are one the most selfless people I know and you always always always tried to make everything easier for me, even if it hurt you. You just…just supported me. You were the best brother anyone could ask for. You are the best brother.” Tears began to trickle languidly from the corner of his eye. I reached over to wipe it away, a lump forming in my throat, but he pulled away, shaking his head.
“Now I know why I’m still here. I need to give back all the love and support you gave me. I needed to somehow leave you with something to make sure that you are as happy as I was when I was alive. When you were with me. And I think that’s what led me to Nick. It’s not that I love him. It’s the fact that I knew he was perfect for you. I’m kind of like cupid.” He laughed breathlessly, a few more tears dripping from his bright cinnamon eyes. “Not bad, eh? I figured that all out in 36 hours.”
I simply stared at him, absorbing everything he just told me, mind racing at the implications of what he just narrated. He’s here to give me another support, to give me my ticket to happiness. So that’s why I felt the rush of affections when I met Nick. He’s meant for me. It was then I began to sob, reaching over to clutch Tyler, burying my face in his chest as he ran his fingers through my hair, a reversal of our usual position. It was just all too much, knowing that Tyler was here for me to grant my happiness. I cried, unable to handle the flood of emotions. He shushed me softly, soothingly stroking my curls.
“My gosh, still such a crybaby,” he hummed humorously. “I’m basically spoon feeding you your soul mate and you just cry. Gosh, Andrew.” My shoulders shook with suppressed sobs.
“W-what do I do, Tyler? I messed it all up,” I bawled, voice muffled by the cloth of his white shirt.
“How’d you mess it all up?” he asked with light curiosity. I whimpered again, forcing down more sobs as I tried to speak, yet only choked sounds left my mouth. “Calm down, Andrew. Breathe.” I followed his command and after a few minutes of uneven breathing, I finally managed to sound intelligible.
“W-when Nick told me he liked me, I said I could never like a man and…and… I called him stupid and ran off.” I started to weep into his chest again. “I-I feel horrible about it. I would have never done it i-if I knew.” He sighed and I glanced up at him to see him purse his lips in vexation.
“Of course you would…” he murmured, glancing thoughtfully out my window. Then he leaped backwards gracefully off the bed, placing a hand on his hip, scrutinizing me with a peculiar expression.
“Ty–“
“Get some good clothes on. I’m teaching you the art of seducing a man.”
***
Back in school, everyone was quite aware of Tyler’s amorous ways, seeing as his “victims” stretched across many social groups and many grades (though he usually stayed away from the freshmen). Though most of his bedfellows tended to stay quiet (to save their reputation), there were enough who were open about the escapades for people to know that Tyler was not someone who was innocent and inexperienced. At first, he used to get a lot of crap for it, but his nonchalant and even flirtatious comebacks eventually caused the taunts to die down; well, also the fact that I would threaten physical violence on his bullies (I was really protective).
Since we looked alike, I’ve had my fair share of random guys groping me in the hallway. But as for my experience with anyone, both men and women, it was rather limited. For guys, punching them for touching my ass and for girls, an occasional kiss, maybe even bleak make out session once in a blue moon. But the bottom line is: I am very reclusive when it comes to the matters of sex and seduction. Tyler may have taken advantage of the looks that our parents gave us, but I basically pushed them aside.
So the fact that my brother wanted to actually teach me how to seduce men, much less Nick…. Well, it was a struggle. The whole–touch sensually when given the chance, but not too much; you don’t want to seem like a whore– was not working for me, especially with the seriousness of the situation. Practically giving up, Tyler ended up telling me to try to talk it out and if that didn’t work, use his “tips”, and if that didn’t work, beg. And in the end, if Nick still refused me…well, we weren’t going to dwell on the possibility. I mean, the real challenge was getting the man to talk to me. Or probably acknowledge my existence.
Which is why Tyler made me take the one route that would basically force Nick to do so: show up on his doorstep.
Fidgeting nervously, I stood upon the rough welcome mat, the honeyed blue sky of the afternoon creating an ambiance of brightness, the frigid air contrasting with the warmth. Shakily, I raised a fist to the door, biting my lip, and in a fit of courage, banged three times against the white wood. I was fighting the urge to run. I still had the fear of confronting Nick; what would he say to me? What would he do? Would he slam the door in my face? I was having trouble coping with the idea that I may have ruined any possibility of a relationship. But really, what I did wasn’t that bad…. I mean, yeah, I called him stupid and rejected him outright, but nothing a little talking to couldn’t fix?
My breath caught in my throat as the door creaked open, anticipating the visual assault of all things Nick. Yet that wasn’t what I was met with. Rather, a girl stood at the door, with an expression of boredom and slight irritation crossing her heart-shaped face. Her likeness towards Nick was uncanny. Icy blue eyes and pale blond hair, which fell in rivulets past her petite shoulders, along with similarly shaped eyes (though hers were slightly bigger) indicated that this girl had to be related to him, most likely his sister. She, like her brother, was tall, only about one inch shorter than me at a height of about 5’9”. Her limbs were long and elegant; what a family this must’ve been to produce such modelesque progeny.
Once she caught sight of me, her eyes widened as her cherry colored lips popped open. I gave a small smile, still a bit unnerved over the fact that physically, I preferred her brother despite the fact she was basically his female form. “Hello there,” she greeted breathlessly. “And who might you be?”
“Um…I’m Andrew. A friend of Nick’s,” I replied, averting my eyes in shyness.
“Ah, dammit. Always the younger ones who are hot. What happened to my generation? A three year gap and that’s what you get,” she prattled, mostly to herself as she motioned for me to enter the house. “Come in. Make yourself at home. I’ll get my idiot brother for you. I’m Kaitlyn by the way.” Nodding, I stepped over the threshold and stood awkwardly at the doorway, quickly glancing around at the neat surroundings and watching as she shut the door. “NICK!” she roared up the stairs. I jumped a bit at the volume, taking a small step away from her.
“WHAT?!” Nick shouted presumably from a room upstairs. I raised my eyebrows in surprise; that’s the loudest and most emotional sounding I’ve ever heard him.
“A FRIEND IS HERE FOR YOU!” she yelled, placing a manicured hand on her hip as she tapped her foot testily.
“WHICH ONE?!” Just as she was about to answer, I flailed my arms in panic, cutting off her response. I shook my head violently, gazing at her pleadingly. She raised a perplexed eyebrow.
“Um…THE HOT ONE!” I blushed, causing her to snicker softly at me. “You’re too cute,” she whispered, flashing me a set of pearly white teeth.
“WHICH ONE? YOU THINK ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HOT!” I snorted, suppressing laughter as she glared up the stairs with indignation.
“JUST GET DOWN HERE, IDIOT! YOU’RE BEING RUDE!” At the lack of a response, I gnawed on my lower lip, glancing up the wooden stairs anxiously. What would he do once he saw me at his doorstep? Soon enough, I heard his rapid footsteps as a harbinger of his arrival. As soon as he came into view, I had the sudden desire to run out of the house, yet I couldn’t wrench my eyes away from him. He was dressed in baggy grey sweatpants and a well-fitted cotton black shirt, blond hair lacking it’s usual lightly gelled appearance, rather sitting in a perfect mess atop his head. As his celestial blue eyes met mine, he froze in place, shock overflowing his entire demeanor.
“Andrew?” he murmured in bewildered disbelief, still not breaking eye contact. A blush colored my cheeks and my heart began pounding at the sound of my name from his lips. I squirmed beneath his gaze, yet I still couldn’t look away. And before I knew it, I was being rammed into the door, gasping at the impact. His body pressed into mine as his thumbs gently caressed the skin beneath my eyes, distress permeating through his features. I shuddered at the sudden rush of heat from his proximity. “Are you okay? I was so worried. You weren’t in school for three days and I thought–“. His rapid assertions stopped short as he seemed to realize what he was doing. He removed his hands from my face, taking four large steps back as his face seemed to morph into utter remoteness. “What are you doing here, Andrew?” he asked, voice completely cold and biting as he folded his arms across his chest. I winced at the abrupt change of persona.
At least he acknowledged me.
“U-uh… I need to explain things,” I murmured meekly, glancing away.
“Explain then.” My brow furrowed as my eyes flickered to him and then Kaitlyn, who was watching us with mild interest.
“Alone, please?” I pleaded, pursing my lips in discomfort.
“Nicky, is that who I think—“
“Shut up, Kate,” he snapped.
“It is!” she cried out, gasping out at the revelation. She then turned to me, a grimace on tugging at the corner of her lips, though her gaze remained triumphant. “You better not hurt my little brother aga–“.
“Weren’t you just headed off to a date?” Nick interjected, clenching his jaw. His sister cried out before scurrying to the end table, grabbing a purse.
“I’m late!” she wailed, running out of the door. “Don’t burn the house down!” she yelled as an afterthought as she slammed the door behind her. The silence that followed was pregnant as Nick continued to stare at me with his chillingly cold eyes.
“Let’s go to my room,” he said finally, turning around and heading up the stairs. I scrambled after him, a bit relieved that he didn’t kick me out. Once we reached the open door to his room, he mechanically instructed me to take my sneakers off. When I stepped onto the emerald green carpet, the fibers tickling my socked feet, I offhandedly studied my moderately sized surroundings, noting the stack of culinary magazines on his desk. He motioned for me to sit on the bed as he took a seat at the rolling chair, leaning forward a bit as he adjusted himself, focusing his gaze on me.
“We’re alone now. Explain,” he demanded brusquely. I twiddled my thumbs a bit, trying to formulate a proper way to start.
“Well, um, Tyler’s back,” I stated, cringing at the lack of grace in the words. Either way, Nick remained silent, waiting for me to continue. “That day…when I asked you to go to the graveyard, it was kind of a ditch effort to see if Tyler could move on.” I could see hints of anger and hurt shine in Nick’s eyes, yet his mouth remained adamantly shut. “And Tyler saw us when you…kissed me. And I just freaked out, I guess. I didn’t mean any of those things I said.” It just felt so awkward explaining everything in such a way. Nick raised an eyebrow, though still kept quiet. Man, if there was such thing as a listening contest, he would win. “Tyler disappeared for three days and I kind of just shut myself in my room…wallowing, I guess. I didn’t want to hurt either of you and…it just happened.” I bit my lip, looking away from Nick as I waited for him to give any sort of response. After a few minutes, he finally spoke.
“So what made you come here?”
I sucked in a deep breath, feeling nervousness bubble in my stomach. “Tyler came back earlier today and said he figured out what was keeping him from resting in peace. And…apparently, he wasn’t in love with you in the first place. He said something like… he found you attractive not for him, but for me. He wanted to leave me…with something to make sure I was happy when he’s gone. And that’s you. Apparently, you’re perfect for me.” I clutched the fabric of my jeans tightly between my fingers, heat rising into my ears.
“So you’re telling me that I should be with you to have your brother be settled,” he said in a dead-pan. I nodded tentatively, a little ambivalent at the motion, not entirely sure what he was actually implying. “And so after your brother moves on, you’ll leave me cause you never really liked me in the first place?” My head snapped up to him, voice caught in my throat. Is that what he really thought? His eyes were averted for once as he rubbed the back of his neck with exasperation.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” I quickly recovered, stiffening on the bed.
“Then what do you mean? Cause that’s all I’m getting at the moment. It’s all based on your brother’s well-being,” he said crassly, leaning back in the chair.
“No!” I cried. He seemed to be caught off guard by the volume of my voice for a second, but instantaneously it returned to his facade of disinterest. As I stared at him with a horrified expression on my face, I realized that I never once said that I returned his feelings; I only explained my brother’s involvement. I stuttered a bit, a blush exploding onto my face as I thought of what I might need to say. Never once have I ever actually confessed to someone, so the feeling was quite new for me. “N-Nick, I–“
“Andre–“
“Don’t interrupt me!” I shouted, surprising myself with the abrupt tone of my voice. He immediately shut his mouth, a stunned look on his face. “I like you, dammit. I like you a lot. Okay? It’s not all for my brother. If anything, I took what he said as a blessing, not an obligation. So please, believe me when I say that I…I….” My voice cracked as I averted my eyes from him, embarrassment flooding my entire being at what I just blurted. Despite the fact that I knew Nick felt the same way, I still couldn’t help the feeling of uncertainty. Would he accept in spite of what I told him prior to this? Would he think that I was only considering my brother?
I felt a hand clasp around my wrist and whole body being easily lifted, as though it were weightless. And then I was being pulled into a hard yet warm and familiar body, strong arms wrapping around my waist. Abrupt bursts of pleasure travelled through my body as I enfolded my arms around his shoulders as he buried his face into my neck. “You mean it?” he whispered breathlessly, holding me tighter. Closing my eyes, I hummed, burrowing into his comfortable chest as a sense of relief drew me closer to him.
“Yes, I do. A lot. Since I met you,” I droned, smiling easily despite my embarrassing words; his arms around me were like a drug.
He pulled his face away from my neck and smothered my lips with his own, shocks passing down my spine numbingly. I gripped the front of his shirt tightly as I moved my mouth against his, letting the warmth and, dare I say it, happiness overcome me.
***
A few hours later, I was in the park in front of my house, sitting on the bench, resting my head on Nicholas’ shoulder. He was humming a familiar tune softly, rubbing the back of my hand gingerly with his thumb. His skin took on a light indigo tinge, mirroring the current sky. We were waiting for Tyler to come and say goodbye. I refused to believe that he simply left when everything was resolved.
Nick kissed my forehead and I murmured, tiredly curling closer to him. “He may not be—“
“No, he’s coming,” I interrupted sleepily. Nick remained silent afterward.
“Well, let’s talk while we wait,” he suggested, jostling me slightly as he shifted.
“Too sleepy,” I murmured, feeling a bit guilty for dragging him to the park with me. He sighed, kissing my ear, settling back down into the bench. I snuggled into him, wrapping an arm around his waist. The park was pretty deserted on a regular basis, especially at night, which is why I was being so open with my affections. That and I was in a sleep induced haze.
For some time after that, we continued to wait. And then I felt a gentle breeze which somehow caused me to open my eyes, which I hadn’t realized I closed.
There was Tyler, floating before us with a soft smile on his face. He was completely translucent; it seemed as though the tree behind him was covered by a light fog rather than Tyler. I sat up, keeping my hand in Nick’s, smiling drowsily at him. “Hey, you’re late,” I said.
“Sorry, was helping mom out,” he replied, though his voice seemed be a tremulous accent to the air, almost imperceptible to my ears. “I love you Andrew. Thank you.”
“Thank you as well. I love you Tyler,” I whispered, almost emulating Tyler’s own voice. He nodded to Nick, who’s hand was trembling lightly in mine.
“He better keep you happy.” I nodded, take a glance at Nick who was staring out in front of him.
“Hopefully, he will,” I responded, inching closer to said boy. He gazed at me before turning back to the general area of Tyler’s position.
“Good. I have to go now. I’m being called. Bye, Andrew. I love you.”
“I love you too. Good bye.” In a flash of white light, Tyler disappeared from sight, leaving only the tree, Nick, and me in the barren park. I sighed, resting my head back against Nick’s shoulder.
“You alright?” he asked after a few moments of silence. I smiled and nodded, leaning up to kiss his neck.
“Yeah. He’s in peace now, Nick. My brother is finally in peace. I can’t be happier,” I murmured, sitting up again to kiss him on the mouth.
He chuckled softly, kissing me back lazily before pulling back, hugging my waist. “So, let’s get to know each other better,” he proposed, eyes gleaming mirthfully. My smile only grew.
“Alright,” I agreed, drawing small circles with my finger on one of his hands. “Cooking, huh?”
I laughed at the blush that colored his cheeks.
I’m certainly going to enjoy this.
—
So yeah, I would consider this a final chapter, though there will be an epilogue for all those people who like smexy times. This was so long because I didn’t know how the hell to separate it XD
But yay! I feel accomplished. Point out any grammar mistakes please. Thanks!
Comment, vote, and fan! Much appreciated <3
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