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Today was the day.
Yep. Today I’m finally gonna kiss Tanner. How? No fucking idea. But will I? Sigh.
Do I have another choice..?
I walk up to my locker, its been three days since I last saw Taylor and this morning my mum forced fed me and I got really pissed at the whole situation so I ended up slapping her.
Talk about feeling guilty.
“Dev!” Tanner jogs in my direction and I crack a big smile, “hey!”
“Can I come over to your house today?” He asks as soon as he reaches me “My mums want me out of the house for the day, they even paid me money for that.” We both laugh and I nod, “sure. Though I do think your mums would love to have me over today.” I wink at him and he turns red, playfully punching my arm.
“You’re gay! They’re lesbians! Stop that!” He blushes even more and I chuckle.
“Double check that..” I say in a low singsong voice and he ignores me.
“Movie night?” He asks.
“Movie night.” Huh. Still a better line then ‘okay?’ ‘Okay.’ I mean come on, since when okay translates to ‘forever’. Forever doesn’t even exist. Retards.
We both slide in the car and I start it when suddenly someone knocks on Tanner’s window and he roles it down.
“Sup Gab?”
“You asshole! You promised you’d help me with the conclusion!”
I roll my eyes when Gabe isn’t looking, he’s such a pain in the ass.
“Hey Dev, can Gab here join us? Will finish the work in a minute and then he’ll be on his wa-“
“No!” Me and Gabe say in the say time and Tanner looks surprised.
“Okay fine.” I grumble and unlock the car’s door.
Gabe mumbles something under his breath but gets in anyway and I play Imagine Dragons as we drive to my house, “I like them,” Tanner mumbles turning the volume higher.
×××
As we walk in my house the first thing I do is look for my mum, but she’s no where to be seen. Though an unhappy dad is here, sitting in the kitchen, and gets up as soon as he spots us.
“Hey there Tanner,” he fakes a big smile and shake hands “and you are?” He asks Gabe politely and I roll my eyes.
Of course, you wouldn’t want others to know we aren’t the perfect family. Keep pretending.
“I’m Gabe.” He raises an eyebrow and ignores my dad’s hand waiting to shake and looks lazily around the house.
My dad frowns but shrugs it off, “okay, so uh, Devin, we need to talk later, okay?” He says and I nod. Oh boy. Its gonna get ugly.
“Come on, you guys finish this shit already so Gabe can leave as fast as possible,” I say as soon as we reach my room and close the door.
Gabe frowns at me and opens his mouth to say something but Tanner cuts him off, “his right, let’s finish this thing already.” And grabs Gabe to the desk taking some papers out his bag.
As they start working I go and sit on my bed scrolling through my phone but don’t really pay any attention to it. I’m too busy looking at Tanner from the corner of my eye.
My hethat beat races and I start to sweat a little at the thought of what I was planning on doing. I was so pissed Gabe had joined us, now I’ll have more time to change mind.
I swallow and try to breath normally again before they notice. I was so nervous right now, I might just vomit.
“The end. Ugh thank god we finished this!” Tanner says dramatically and for the first time I see Gabe smile, his yellowish eyes sparkling.
It almost looked like he was crushing on Tanner, that kind a smile.. The smile Taylor gave me all the time, and the one I gave Mark, or at least I think I did, I don’t know how I looked like when I smiled at him. Or anyome else.
“Thanks..” Gabe mumbles and gets up from his chair gathering his belongings.
“Sure thing!” Tanner says happily and gets up stretching a little and glances at, making my heart skip a beat.
“Still movie night?” He asks smiling, finally dropping his hands down finishing his stretch.
“Still movie night.” And a kiss.
Gabe grumbles something under his breath and leaves without another word.
I sit up on my bed and toss my phone away as Tanner comes to sit next to me.
Come on Devin, I can do this.
He looks at me and then grins, “I know! Let’s watch ‘GBF’!” And I mentally shake my head, I can’t kiss him! Its way too risky ugh.
“Yeah sure,” I fake a smile for him and he quickly gets up grabbing the laptop off my desk and sits down next to me again, searching on viooz.
What’s the worst that can happen?
This,
“Hey Tanner?” I swallow, “Mm?” He says and glances at me.
That’s when I press my lips on his and start kissing him, only, his not kissing me back.
“Tanner I -” Gabe’s voice enters my room and I immediately move away from Tanner, who is staring at me in shock.
Oh dear lord. I blush like crazy and Gabe just glares at me, what’s his fucking problem, I thought he was leaving?
“Dev-in, did you just..?” After a long pause tanner speaks up first, not using my nickname for a change.
This is the worst happening.
“I did.” I say biting my lip hard, I don’t like this.
“What the fuck?” Gabe spoke this time, looking at me in total disgust, “who the fuck do you think you are going around kissing guys like tha you-“
“Gabe, that’s enough.” Tanner cuts him of and looks back at me, disgusted also.
“Devin..I’m not gay.” He says and gets off my bed, “I think you’ve got the wrong idea, we’re only friends, that’s it.” He says and grabs his bag standing next to Gabe.
“I.. I think I should leave.” He says uncomfortably and hands Gabe a paper that he apparently forgot and that’s why came back in the first place.
“Wait no Tan-” I start to get off my bed but he just shakes his head, “please… Just.. Stay away for awhile. I really didn’t like.. That.” He turns red a little and looks away.
“What? Wait we aren’t friends anymore? I-“
“What don’t you understand in ‘stay away from me’?” Gabe mocks and I glare.
“That’s enough, I’m leaving.” Tanner exclaims and turns around opening the door.
“Tanner! Wait! No wait what ar-” I get cut off by Gabe’s fist colliding with my jaw, making me lose my balance and fall back in shock, pain blasting on my left side of the face.
“Stay. Away. From. Tanner.” He glares at me and turns to leave.
“You like him.” I state through clenched teeth, the pain was horrible.
Gabe freezes but quickly turns back to walking away, I could hear the front door shutting as Tanner walks out.
“You’ll never have him!” I scream hatefully at Gabe who also just shut the door and left, but I’m sure he heard me.
I just sat there, full of hatred sucking in sharp breaths.
I hated the feeling of rejection,
I hated the feeling of pain in my chest,
I hated how I always have the worst luck,
I hated the fact I tried to kiss him,
I hated my life, I hated myself.
I start to sweat and my heart beat races, I know I’m about to have a panic attack, I was just hoping my dad left in the meanwhile so he won’t hear me.
I breath faster and faster, not having enough oxygen.
This is it. I’m going to die, I’m going crazy.
I bite into my arm to stop from screaming, but I end up screaming anyway.
My screams are muffled by my long sleeve but that’s still not enough to quiet me down, so I bite harder, enjoying the physical pain, it somehow eased the emotional one, just not enough. So I bite harder.
“Devin? Devin!” My dad comes in. Oh, so now he cares, till now he ignored me begging him to tell my mum to stop force feeding me like an animal.
“Oh my God Devin, breath!” He takes my arm away from my mouth so more air can access, and a awful high scream comes out. I just can’t stop.
“Hey, hey I’m here calm down.” I could see the hysteria in his eyes but he tries to keep calm and hugs me, I burry my head in his shoulder, screaming whatever I have left in me before I just start sobbing, slowly calming down more and more.
“Hey.. Do you feel better?” My dad pats my back before unwrapping his arms from me and whipping my face with his sleeve.
The last time he saw me like this was right after Mark died.
I should’ve never tried to move on.
I shake my head at him and get up to his surprise, “Devin what are you-” I run out of my room and exit the house, I run faster and faster, hoping the pain will just stay behind me, but it doesn’t.
“Devin!” My dad screams for me to come back but I ignore it.
I didn’t know what it meant to have a friend, so I never missed it. Now that I do and its over, I feel empty.
After a short while I slow down and walk down the street, all I can think is I should’ve never had done it.
And I was right.
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